Ma Cudrapht

That right there, folks, is the single stupidest blog title the world has known. Unlike my inaugural effort in 2006, which I shared only with the captive audience in our fantasy baseball league(s)--I'm currently winning the '07 Ted, by the by--I'm gonna try and keep this short.

However, there exists a not-really-that-small possibility that during tomorrow's opening rounds I'll blog live during each pick. Meantime our Administrator will be winding that slipknot, ala Woody Guthrie's hangman, having completely ODed on uninformed draft blather before the fucking thing has even started. To the mockery!

(Ed. Note: The following bare-bones mock does not take into account trades or anything else, even though trades will most likely occur, possibly even with this narrator's beloved franchise trading into the top 10 to get a crack at a guy like this...or possibly this.)

1. Oakland -- JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
Greg Maddux says chicks dig the long ball, and , uh, we at HoG wouldn't have any idea whether they do or not, honestly. But Al Davis sure does.

2. Detroit -- Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
How can Millen not take this guy? Even if he had picked Marcus Nash in each of the last 10 drafts, he has to take Johnson. Has to...at least for trade bait.

3. Cleveland -- Joe Thomas, LT, Wisconsin
These guys don't just need a QB, they need to keep one healthy.

4. Tampa Bay -- Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Since they couldn't get their boy from the Ramblin' Wreck, a man who was once one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in America takes some help for a rapidly aging D.

5. Arizona -- Levi Brown, LT, Penn State
The team that perpetually needs O-line help takes the best available.

6. Washington -- Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
Why wouldn't Snyder take the highest-profile player on the board? Even with Portis?

7. Minnesota -- LaRon Landry, S, LSU
A guy who says he "plays like a wild bull" goes to a team with a good D that still needs help in that backfield.

8. Atlanta -- Amobi Okoye, DE, Louisville
This team pisses me off for no other reason...OK, a couple of big ones...than taking this kid, who could play 15 years...since he's only 19. Oh, and did we mention their QB is a real upstanding guy who does not deserve to go to jail?

9. Miami -- Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
They need to groom somebody, because getting this guy, last seen walking across a busy street in his underwear, muttering, isn't going to be a solution, and this guy is going to be cut.

10. Houston -- Leon Hall, CB, Michigan
Aside from Dunta "Pronounced Dun-Tay" Robinson, they have no one at CB.

11. San Francisco -- Patrick Willis, LB, Mississippi
Even though this dude will probably be a good pro, had any of us heard his name before 6 months ago?

12. Buffalo -- Marshawn Lynch, RB, California
The first reach from a team known for them. Ladies of Buffalo, if you date this man, beware.

13. St. Louis -- Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska
With the exception of Will Shields, Neil Smith and Tom Rathman, name me a good pro Cornhusker. And not this guy either.

14. Carolina -- Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
The Cats stop the big man's fall, which if it happened would cause something on the order of a 5.6 quake.

15. Pittsburgh -- Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt
Too high for this guy, but he played next door.

16. Green Bay -- Ted Ginn Jr.
Instant return offense for a team that needs help scoring... and we don't mean with Green Bay's notoriously easy female population.

17. Jacksonville -- Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas
Again, the Jags pick up a D-line stud. Too bad he can't play QB.

18. Cincinnati -- Lawrence Timmons, LB, Florida State
These guys haven't had good LB play in years, and as a bonus, this guy is currently not being prosecuted.

19. Tennessee -- Robert Meachem, WR, Tennesee
He played next door, he's underrated and Young needs someone-anyone--to throw the ball to.

20. New York Giants -- Aaron Ross, CB, Texas
Even if he shows up at camp as--surprise!--a quadraplegic, he'll still be better than what the Gints have now.

21. Denver -- Jon Beason, LB, Miami
A worthy successor to our dearly departed former leader. And yes, I know we signed two LBs yesterday...this guy will be better than both.

22. Dallas -- Reggie Nelson, S, Florida
With Roy Williams unable to cover anything faster than Moss--Spanish, not Santana--Jerry's kids take the best safety remaining.

23. Kansas City -- Joe Staley, OL, Central Michigan
What doesn't this team need? They start by rebuilding a former strength with this converted tight end.

24. New England -- Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State
They need a 'backer, he's a good fit. Peter King will write 5,000 words next Monday on why this was the single greatest draft pick ever by anyone.

25. New York Jets -- Michael Griffin, S, Texas
Great special teamer and tackler fits this D perfectly.

26. Philadelphia -- Ben Grubbs, G, Auburn
Andy Reid loves drafting linemen, they say, and it should be said, appears to have devoured one himself.

27. New Orleans -- Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami
He'll get a chance to open fire on opposing runners in this completely safe city.

28. New England -- Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State
Not only is Belichick a pal of Pat Hill, but the Pats have enough depth to take a chance on this kid.

29. Baltimore -- Ryan Kalil, C, USC
The chalk pick, right. Go eff yourself.

30. San Diego -- Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina
See the Pats' last pick. The loaded Bolts can afford to groom a potentially good starter.

31. Chicago -- Kevin Kolb, QB, Houston
Sexy Rexy is the handsomest man alive, but his days at the helm in BigShouldersville are numbered.

32. Indianapolis -- Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue
Might continue the Boilermakers' recent tradition of sending quality ends to the league. In any case, gets the played nearby homer vote, which means a lot to these people.

Talk to you kids tomorrow, bright and early...