Getting To Know Your 2010 U.S. Men's Olympic Hockey Team: Paul Stastny

Our final forward submission of the series matriculated at the University of Denver, where he helped the club earn a national title as a rookie. He also, whether he admits it or not, likes to give Canada the finger.

Paul Stastny was born in Canadia. No, that's not a typo. This cat turns 25 this year, and he came out of his mother's womb in Quebec City. Like his brother, however, Stastny has taken the path of most resistance, the path away from the dark side, and opted, via dual-citizenship status, to play for the United States in international hockey competitions. The Avalanche drafted Stastny in the second round of the 2005 NHL Draft, and in his rookie (2006-07) season, he played in all 82 games, amassing 78 points for Colorado. In three-plus seasons, he's logged over 5000 minutes of ice time, 236 points, and 124 PIMs. The left-handed-shooting center was allegedly mentored by Joe Sakic, who was mentored by Stastny's father Peter in Quebec. He holds the Avalanche franchise record for points by a rookie, as well as the team's longest individual-player game-scoring streak, a record previously held by his father. Hell, even this little rag reports on him.
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Getting To Know Your 2010 U.S. Men's Olympic Hockey Team: Phil Kessel

This installment puts us at about the halfway point in the forwards section of the feature. We're officially two weeks away from dropping the puck in Vancouver, and I won't say that this is the year for the U.S. Men to take home Olympic gold, but I'm much more hopeful than I was in '04. Ultimately, I don't care if flippin' Canadians are predicting that Canadians will take home more gold than anyone else. Help your freaking selves. You win that luge. You dominate that ice dancing. Best of luck to you in the snowboard competition. What I'm talking about is your sport. The one you invented. The one you've dominated at for so long. The one you won gold in in men's and women's hockey in 2002. In our country. Now we're comin' to your house. We're bringing a solid, energetic version of your game. And we, Canadia, plan on embarrassing you moose fuckers. Be advised.

Phil Kessel is one of the only fellas on this roster who's experienced a trade in his young career. In the 2006 NHL draft, he was taken in the first round (fifth overall) by the Boston Bruins. He spent three seasons in Beantown and amassed 126 points in that span. Unfortunately for him, he was then shipped up to Canada, and now he makes a living playing offense for the Toronto Maple Leafs. He has shown significant improvement with each successive season in the pros, and he's already more than halfway to season highs in goals, assists, and of course, points.

He matriculated at the University of Minnesota, but spent only one season as a Golden Gopher before being selected by the Bruins, and in his rookie season, he won the Bill Masterton Memorial (sportsmanship, perseverance, and dedication to hockey) Trophy. Kessel comes from an athletic family, as his pops was a Washington Redskins quarterback for a minute, his ma' ran her some track, he has a cousin and a brother in the NHL, and his sister can light the lamp as well. And by "light the lamp," I mean score. And by "score," I mean put some wood on it.
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Historically Speaking: Musta Thought it Was '80s Baseball Day

Lotsa baseball today. You love it. It's a nice break from all the dreaded reading about great quarterbacks we've been giving you. You know, the posts where you're just looking at the pictures.

* It was on this day in 1980 that the Seattle Mariners fired skipper Darrell Johnson. Maury Wills, his replacement, became just the third black manager in league history.

* Picture a day, a day much like any with the date of August 4, only back in 1982, a journey beyond sight and sound that takes us to one Joel Youngblood, who, on 8/4/82, connected for a base hit that gave his New York Mets a day-game victory over the Cubs. After the contest, he was traded to the Expos who were playing that night in Philly. Youngblood, who took rightfield in the fourth inning, collected a base hit later in the game, making him the only player in Major League Baseball history to get a base hit for two different teams in two different cities on the same day.

* Today in 1983, New York Yankee Dave Winfield was arrested after a game in Toronto. The charges: causing unnecessary suffering to an animal, which he was apparently guilty of after throwing a baseball during warm-ups that hit and killed a seagull. I think the moral of the story is that this is hard evidence that Canadians have been stupid for a solid quarter century and counting.

* Two years later, Tom Seaver earned win number 300 while Rod Carew tallied hit number 3000 on this day.

* Toronto Blue Jay pitcher Dave Stieb had a pretty fantastic September in 1988. On the 13th versus Detroit, he gave up six hits, but logged a 9-1 victory. Five days later, he gave up only four hits to Cleveland, a 4-0 shutout win. His final two starts for the month -- versus Cleveland again and then Baltimore, were 1-0 and 4-0 shutouts as well, but these two were both no-hitters with two outs in the ninth. No kiddin'. On the fourth of August the following year, he is one out away from nailing down a perfect game over the Yankees, but ends up settling for a two-hit, 2-1 win instead.

And since this theme came together so nice and tidy, we'll give you two '80s baseball Sports Illustrated quotes of the day. The first one was delivered in 1980, courtesy of...



...John McMullen, who, as Houston Astro owner, reflected upon his time as a limited partner of New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner: "Nothing is more limited than being a limited partner of George's."

Quote number two came from A.L. umpire Marty Springstead, who, in 1984, spoke of former Baltimore Oriole Manager Earl Weaver:



"The way to test the durability of a Timex watch would be to strap it to his tongue."
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Baseball In The Daytime: Does Not Compute

This is July 15, but more importantly it's the day after the MLB All-Star Game. That makes it, officially, the shittiest day of the year. There is not a single game scheduled in any major sports league or even the NHL. You're going to watch the ESPY awards tonight, unless someone stops you. You might even (shudder) spend some time talking to your family.

I'm here to prevent you from making that mistake. After the jump, we've assembled a few baseball-related tidbits to tide you, poor American sports fan, over until action resumes Thursday.

BEAVER BELIEVER

There is in fact a professional ballgame on tap tonight, the Triple-A All-Stars are on display in Portland (home of the Beavers) and on ESPN2, as the Pacific Coast League battles the International League. I attended this game in Albuquerque back in 2007, and it's worth a glance. That '07 game featured a pair of future stars in Adam Jones and Joey Votto. Jones, then a Mariners farmhand, was traded to Baltimore in the Erik Bedard deal and drove in the winning run in St. Louis last night. Votto would have been an easy selection for the NL but spent a good chunk of the first half on the DL with anxiety disorder, which I could make fun of but I won't. The boogeyman in my closet won't let me.

The rest of the roster was populated by guys who've ended up as solid or at least fringe major leaguers (Clint Barmes, Manny Acosta, Delwyn Young, etc.) and a bunch of what we'll call Quad-A players. They can't stick in the bigs yet the dominate the minors. Timo Perez was in the 2007 game, as was Shelley Duncan, brother of Chris and son of Cards pitching coach Dave. Duncan's in the lineup in Portland tonight, as is PCL starting pitcher Justin Lehr. I think it's a bad sign for your career if you play in two Triple-A All-Star games in three years. You've, um, plateaued.

BLOW (ME), CANADA

There's a bit of a tiff going on in the aftermath of last night's All-Star Game, as Canadian asshole (sorry, I know, redundant) Justin Morneau felt his nation's anthem got second-rate treatment.

I'm trying to think of a way to handle this diplomatically, and with all the international sensitivity I can muster. Justin, lick my United Balls of America. That pregame fiasco was already half as long as the game itself, it did not need the Barenaked Ladies or some other awful moose-fuck orchestra to spend time setting up so you and the three other fellow Canadians who watched the game wouldn't get your knickers in a bunch. Don't like how we treat your national anthem? Go play in the Saskatchewan League, I'll bet they handle it with some serious class. They didn't even play the Japanese anthem or the Dominican anthem, and I didn't hear Ichiro or Miguel Tejada complaining. Even if they did bitch, I still wouldn't have heard it, those guys can't speak English.

JUDGE & JURY

Sonia Sotomayoris currently up on Capitol Hill for confirmation hearings before she's rubber-stamped onto the Supreme Court. McSweeney's imagines Sotomayor being grilled not by the dirty old pervs on the Senate Judiciary Committee but by the 1977 Kansas City Royals. Enjoy (thanks to Shysterball for the link).

JUST AS EVERY COWBOY SINGS A SAD, SAD SONG

You may have noticed a recent three-post stretch here on the House of Georges that all prominently featured a dirty criminal who's been banned from baseball. I've made my feelings concerning Mr. Rose well-known: Great player, deserves induction to Cooperstown, slimy lowlife, completely overrated.

I've heard a lot of Rose chatter the last few days as folks reminisce about the All-Star Game in which he ended Ray Fosse's career. A lot of baseball people thought that was a bush play, to injure an opponent in an exhibition. Rose apologists use the Fossey incident as a badge of honor evidence that Charlie Hustle never let up, that he played every game, even the meaningless All-Star Game, as if it were the seventh game of the World Series.

In light of the recent news featuring ol' Pete, I wanted to share this old story from Gene Garber. Garber was the Braves pitcher who retired Rose to end his NL-record 44-game hitting streak in 1978. Here's my favorite passage:

Rose complained afterward that Garber had pitched the game like it was Game 7 of the World Series, that Garber didn’t challenge him with a fastball.

So Pete Rose, beloved by drooling millions because he allegedly played every inning as if it were Game 7 of the World Series, was steamed because a pitcher didn't groove him a BP fastball so he could carry on his own personal statistical compilation in a blowout loss? I'm so shocked that Pete put himself above his teammates and the game of baseball. Shocked, I tell you.

To recap--Pete Rose: Great player, deserves induction to Cooperstown, slimy lowlife, completely overrated.

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Thursday ThinkTank: News of the Gay

We interrupt this regularly scheduled non-update of the House of Georges to bring you some things and some stuff. Consider said things brought, after the jump.

The Chauncey will wear #1 for the Nuggets next year. He's giving up on Old No. 7, much like Denver Bronco fans have given up on finding 7's replacement.

Rany Jazayerli has been banned, or blacklisted -- whatever you want to call it -- by the Kansas City Royals.

A collection of LeBron James crap: geigh.

While a look back at swimsuit models of the 1990s is not gay, following Kathy Ireland, my all-time favorite, on Twitter, truly is. Her Web site? Not much better.

Manny Ramirez is set to return to the bigs tomorrow after his 50-game suspension. Suspending him and letting him back in? No problem. Allowing him to play in the minors in the interim? Guh-ay.

I've never had a ton of respect for the Canadian Football League, but that's probably because I've never paid one lick of attention to it. What I can tell you, though, is that if you score a touchdown, and your end-zone celebration is to attempt a Michael Jackson impersonation wherein you lay down and pretend to be buried, you, sir, are gizzay.

That's your afternoon news. Stay tuned. More gayness, plus film (Update: Not really.) at eleven.
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Baseball In The Daytime: May 5

It's good to be back. I patrolled the outfield of Baseball In The Daytime for the better part of the last two years, but my recent foray into fatherhood has me showing up to work pretty near the seventh-inning stretch of these early games. Many thanks to Bankmeister for ably tackling this daunting assignment.

Now Bank himself is tied up by domestic obligations--I think he either had bail an uncle out of the clink or get treated for a "social" disease. Whatever, you're stuck with me today, kids. Let's all work together and we'll get through this. Crack a brew and peruse this afternoon's array of day baseball, after the jump:

Houston @ Washington, 10:35 Mountain The Astros get one in at Nationals Park against the onetime Senators today, as they send their ace Roy Oswalt up against Scott Olsen. Oswalt is still looking for his first win of the season, here over five weeks in. He's not pitching poorly, per se, but his team is atrocious. After the ill-advised free-agent signings of Pudge Rodriguez, Mike Hampton and (guh) Russ Ortiz, the Astros sit a game and a half back of the Pirates in the cellar of the NL Central.

Cleveland @ Toronto, 1:37 The Tribe and the BJs will attempt to top last night's spectacle at Rogers Centre, as Anthony Reyes and Brett Cecil match wits. Toronto's Brian Tallet took a sloppy no-hitter (3 walks, an error and a hit batsman) into the seventh on Monday, but a Ryan Garko single was followed by a titanic Matt LaPorta ding dong, his first big league hit. LaPorta came over from Milwaukee as the centerpiece of last year's C.C. Sabathia trade, but why are we talking about that fat fuck? There's a game to be played, on some smooth Canadian plastic grass, eh.

San Francisco @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Reigning NL Cy Younger Tim Lincecum battles sheepish Chicago fifth starter Sean Marshall in this rematch of, um, several thousand games over the last century and a quarter. The Giants used to play in New York, you know, and the Cubs used to be called the Whales. But that's just a bunch of blubber.

Baltimore @ Tampa, 2:08 All right, Bay-Rays, I've had just about enough of this fucking crap. First we had the White Sox starting their games at 7:11 local time to pimp a convenience store. Then the God damned Blue Jays had to go with seven past the hour as a start time, for some perverted reason. Now you, you miserable fluky shitbag joke of a franchise, insist on scheduling your first pitch at :08 after. Why? Why in God's name must you do this? Are your inbred, toothless, cousin-poking fans unable to make it to the yard at the top of the hour? I hate the Bay-Rays.

Koji Uehara starts for the visitors today, while Matt Garza takes the ball for the home nine. Uehara was imported from Japan in the offseason, and he'll try to whizz a number of what Bill Parcells would call "surprise" pitches past Tampa's lineup. No offense. Garza nearly hurled a perfect game against the Red Sox last time out, and should never, ever be left out of your fantasy team's starting lineup for any reason.

Texas @ Seattle, 2:40 You'll notice I've left broadcast information out of these previews, because I honestly don't care how you watch or listen to these games. I've subscribed to the Extra Innings satellite package for years, but I canned it this year because diapers are really expensive. It's highly recommended by me (Extra Innings, not diapers). This season I'm watching baseball via the MLB.TV internet subscription, which comes on computers now. Also awesome, although there are a few glitches that will piss you off. And, as always, you can listen to every game on the XM Radio, one of my faves.

You can also do nothing, get your hometown team over the free airwaves, and most likely be just fine. Just make sure you tune in to Basbeall In The Daytime to see what you're missing. Play Ball!
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Friday Morning Fracas: Inbox Tubes Dump

You. Person with free time. This post was created for you. After the jump, get after some clips, gangsta' style. (Editor's Note: I have no idea what that means.)

This one's about a Canadian mayor who's been in office for 31 years. She's 88 and still chugging along. The host is a bit of a dweezil,



but around the 2:15 mark, Mayor Hazel takes the ice, demonstrating the puck-handling abilities of Old No. 7, the skating prowess of Cecil.

Speaking of hockey, check out this shootout goal:



File that under "whoops-a-daisy." And speaking of shootout goals, check out this showoff:



I gotta believe that goalie was embarrassed.

We've seldom, if ever mentioned the United Fucking States of America's armed forces here in the House, but here ya' go:



Thanks, troops. And now for some hard-core wood analysis:



And, I have no idea what this South Park episode is really about, but...



...it has to do with fish sticks sounding like "fish dicks," Kanye West, and West allegedly saying that if you put fish sticks in your mouth you must be a gay fish. I guess dude has a blog, too.

Also in the realm of video, here's the intro to Aisha Tyler's -- who's pretty smokin' -- latest gig, which is impressive:



And last, but certainly not least, the new one by Eminem:


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An Open Letter To The National Baseball Team Of The United States Of America

Gentlemen,

In two hours you will step onto a hostile field in a foreign land to battle a foe that opposes every thing this great country stands for. The nation of Canada is our enemy, an enemy no less vial vile than the jihadists of Bin Laden, the stormtroopers of Hitler, the redcoats of Cornwallis. These mopes, dressed as innocent ballplayers garnished with maple leaves (not leafs, you illiterate colonists) are enemy combatants that deserve no quarter. Bury them as if our way of life depended on it.

American citizens may find the U.S.-Canada game from the World Baseball Classic at high noon Mountain time on the four-letter network. Watch it if you wish, but remember that even if you're doing something else our very democracy is at stake. Should our boys in red, white and blue fail once again to defeat these bucktoothed ingrates of the Yukon, our fragile republic is in jeopardy. We may as well give up and adopt the Canucks' standards: sodomy, socialism, blended whiskey.

I, for one, refuse to bend to these rebels without a bloody fight.

So then, American team, I leave you with the words of General Dwight David Eisenhower on the eve of the invasion of Normandy Beach:

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have
striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The
hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.
In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on
other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German Canadian war
machine, the elimination of Nazi ham/bacon tyranny over the oppressed peoples of
Europe North America, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well
equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely.

Our air offensive has seriously reduced their
strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home
Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions
of war, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men.
The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to
Victory!

I have full confidence in your courage and devotion to duty and skill in
battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!

Good luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great
and noble undertaking.

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Hey, Let's Talk Baseball

All this offseason NFL drama is enough to tucker somebody out. Let's venture, for just a minute, to the pastoral fields of Florida and Arizona. It's Spring Training--Catch The Very Mild Fever!

In every sport, folks wonder how much the preseason matters. At a time when my favorite team sits at 2-5 in the Grapefruit League, and my home-state representatives have posted an 0-7 mark in the Cactus, I'm arguing that exhibition games don't matter at all. Not one bit, nope. Just warming up.

Come along, kids, if you dare. There's much more meaningless action after the jump...

Manny Your Post The Dodgers and estranged slugger Manny Ramirez came to terms on a two-year, $45 million contract that includes a player option in 2010. It's a good thing that Manny employs the cuddly and beloved Scott Boras as his agent--that dude is a negotiating mastermind. Through his incredible willpower and financial savvy, Boras got Manny the exact same contract that was on the table last week, for the exact same money that's been in play for three months. I suppose Boras did allow Manny to miss the first two weeks of practice and stuff, which freed Ramirez up to collect modern art or play with Legos. That is definitely worth ten per cent.

One thing this insures is that the Dodger lineup will be devastating this year. LA Times blogger Jon Weisman projects this:

1. Rafael Furcal (S) SS
2. Russell Martin (R) C
3. Andre Ethier (L) RF
4. Manny Ramirez (R) LF
5. James Loney (L) 1B
6. Matt Kemp (R) CF
7. Orlando Hudson (S) 2B
8. Casey Blake (R) 3B

You may ask what the big deal is, just adding one player, even if that player is as potent as Manny. I think that dropping such a proven vet in the middle of all those young kids is like adding a match to gasoline. If Loney or Martin of Kemp felt like they needed to carry the Dodgers, I think their production would suffer. Let Manny carry that burden and those guys will thrive.

And that, folks, is what will pass for serious analysis in this installment. Back to the snark and fag jokes.

In Dusty We Trust Dusty Baker, the Herm Edwards of baseball, was at it again yesterday. Dusty noticed that his best hitter, infielder Brandon Phillips, spends far more time next to him in the dugout than on the basepaths. So Dusty wants Phillips to hone his strike zone awareness.

That's very progressive, Dusty, but where do I get the notion that this whole on-base percentage is very, very new to you? Here. Reds fans, I'm sorry to say it but your manager has brought a knife to a gunfight.

Small Market My Ass I know I've beat this dead horse for years (the HoG turns two in two weeks, we're registered at Target), but I think small-market clubs using financial woes as an excuse for playing poorly is bullshit. The economy is certainly in the toilet and the stock market decimated. This has many teams shedding payroll and many investors bailing out.

You know what smart guys, especially ones with balls, do during times like these? They buy cheap. Warren Buffett has made billions capitalizing on undervalued assets in economic downturns, and A's GM Billy Beane always fields a competitive squad despite one of MLB's skimpiest budgets. Beane inked Orlando Cabrera, vastly underpriced at $4 million, to take over from always-injured Bobby Crosby at short, and added Nomar as a utility man. This after picking up former MVP Jason Giambi for $15 million less than his 2008 salary and superstar Matt Holliday for scraps (sorry Rockies).

Beane knows that the AL West is winnable, and even if his thin pitching does him in, he can unload these veterans in July to rebuild. This is how you play the front office game.

I Love A Parade Captain Cheeseburger wants one. He's come to the right town.

The World Is Bud Selig's Oyster Baseball Classic I guess the World Baseball Classic started early this morning in Tokyo. I'd give you a score, but you're already on the fucking Internet, do it yourself. I'm not your God damned lackey. I think I'm going to love the WBC, but I said that last time and the U.S. lost to Canada. This time we have to travel to Toronto for the first round, and my anger levels are approaching redline. We fucking invented this game, the weather in the southern portion of this nation is gorgeous, and yet our best and brightest baseballers have to go play on the plastic carpet of a second-rate country. I'll ask again, what good is an enormous military if you can't use it to subsume our weak-ass neighbors to the north? Riddle me that, President Obama.

Clever Headline Starting With The Letter A and a Hyphen Goes Here Alex Rodriguez has a cyst in his hip and may have to miss the next ten weeks of baseball. This would knock him out of the WBC and force him to skip the opening of the New Yankee Stadium, where he would be mercilessly booed. Today A-Rod flies to Vail, where he'll get his hip checked out at the world-renowned Steadman-Hawkins clinic. I predict one thing: Rape. You see, Steadman-Hawkins was where Kobe Bryant was visiting when he bent a hotel employee over a chair for some "consensual" good times. And Kobe shared his smooth pickup skills with A-Rod on the set of this commercial:

Of course, A-Rod may have also picked up some party tips from another rocker in that video. Innocent residents of Eagle County, Colorado be warned. Lock up your daughters and your weed.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-26-08

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Baseball In The Daytime: 8-29-07

During this exciting week of baseball, when so many close divisional races are being contested, we get a few more afternoon games. On deck today are four matchups.

Batting leadoff are the Nationals and Dodgers, at 1:10 Mountain. I suppose you could say that L.A. is still in the playoff picture--they've won three straight and sit four and a half back in the division and three and a half in the wild card chase. Everyone's talking about how the addition of fat sweaty David Wells is reenergizing the team. Today, they send fat sweaty Brad Penny into battle versus Washington's Shawn Hill, whose weight and levels of perspiration are closer to normal levels. XM 185 and DTV 734 are your satellite stations of choice.

At 1:35, on XM 179 (no TV), Frank Thomas' last two employers take the field to see who's better. Roy Halladay represents the Blue Jays, while Lenny DiNardo flies the flag of the host Athletics. Halladay is merely having another excellent season, now that his midseason appendix removal has healed.

Same time, different channels (XM 188 and DTV 734) for the Rockies and Giants. Colorado is trying as hard as possible to blow it here, having dropped the last two to the woeful G-Men. Although they haven't lost any ground in the NL West (still 6 1/2 out), they're falling further behind wild-card leading San Diego and, let's be honest, it's all over for the Purple Warriors. Nice effort though. Jeff Francis gets the ball opposite Noah Lowry in a showdown of precocious lefthanders.

And finally, our cleanup game is the best of the bunch. The Angels and Mariners finish their series in Seattle with a getaway game at 2:35, and Los Anaheim is on the precipice of a sweep. Jered Weaver starts for the Bloods after his Crip brother Jeff imploded on the mound last night. The Mariners division deficit was expanded to four, their wild card lead trimmed to one, and they turn to staff ace Felix Hernandez this afternoon. Experience the drama on XM 178, DTV 736 (standard) and 731 (hi-def). Cheers!
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Guest DJ Scratchin': The Lone Reader on the Men's Under-20 World Cup of Soccer

Editor's Note: Welcome readers, to the first installment of guest writing on the House of Georges. This, like our other features, is sure to be a massive failure huge success, something we all bask on for months and years to come. This debut effort by the one and only Lone Reader examines the infinitely popular game of soccer. There's some soccer happenin' out there in the world, and TLR's gonna break it down for y'all.

Game on, folks. Soccer has surfaced on the HoG. Readers, consider yourselves lucky.

While I fully recognize that many folks in North America hold a strong, though curiously inexplicable, dislike for the world’s most popular sport, I just can’t justify wasting considerable column inches arguing their idiocy (this will all change within 10 years as North American soccer surpasses it’s European counterpart in just about every phase of the game – but we’re not talkin’ about that right now).To those of you who just don’t get the game … you’re goin’ the way of the public smoker, so go have a cigarette and listen to some Milli Vanilli.



For the past 10 days, Canada has played host to the Men’s Under-20 (U20) World Cup of Soccer. These teams represent the very future of international soccer, the very future of World Cups 2010 and 2014, the very future of humanity itself. Watch ‘em, damnit, or shut the fuck up. The group stage of the tournament has been completed, and only 16 teams remain. From this moment forward, it’s a do or die, single-elimination malaise for the ages. Those games begin in less than three hours, and it’s damn well time that the HoG get some prognostication in order.

I must begin by acknowledging some performances to date. All four African nations advanced out of the group round in fine fashion. The Canadian team set a new U20 World Cup record by becoming the first host-nation in history to NOT score a goal … sweet. The United States slaughtered Poland 6-1, behind a hat trick from up-and-comer Freddy Adu. Mexico, a popular pick for the title, coasted through and may well have the best individual player in the tournament, Gio Dos Santos. Spain and Argentina advanced with ease, and Brazil just squeaked past the cutting-board. Japan’s style of play proved electrifying, and may well move them late into the tournament. Chile conceded no goals and won accolades with their creative offense in defeating Canada, Congo and tying Austria to win their group.

Enough of that bullshit, who’s gonna be on top? Who’s gonna fall? Can an African nation really do it? What about North America? Are they the future of international soccer? Will we have yet another European champion … please, no.

So here it is, folks, place your bets and get ready to win. Round 2 predictions:

Spain vs. Brazil
We’re startin’ with arguably the biggest match of the round. I mean c’mon, Spain and Brazil? It doesn’t get much bigger. Spain is basically the Buffalo Bills of international soccer … choke, choke, choke. Brazil’s rather disappointing performance to date (losses to Poland, and the USA) will force them to focus. Brazil over Spain, 3-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

Japan vs Czechoslovakia
The Czechs have had trouble in this tournament, but managed to advance. Japan’s quickness and surprising toughness will prove the Czechs final problem. This one’s too easy. Japan over Czechoslovakia, 2-0.

Argentina vs Poland
Poland’s one win (1-0 over Brazil) was a goddamn miracle. Brazil had the ball 63% of the time and took 14 shots to Poland’s 2. Argentina didn’t lose in the first round on their way to scoring 7 goals. Only the US and Spain scored more, 9 and 7 respectively. Argentine soccer fans will be celebrating. Argentina over Poland, 2-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

Mexico vs Congo
This Congolese squad is the current African champion. There are few teams that combine this speed and strength. Too bad for those saps, the Mexicans have looked stunning while going undefeated. Congo just won’t be able to contain the tournament’s best player. Mexico over Congo, 3-1.

Chile vs Portugal
DO NOT MISS THIS GAME. These two teams have well orchestrated attacks and believe that attacking is the only way to win. That makes for some fun soccer … even if you’re from the States. Crowd favorites, the Chilean’s produce as explosive an attack as I’ve seen. Extensive travel and injury, however, will bring their run to an end. Watch Portugal defeat Chile, 3-2.

The winner will face the winner of …

Zambia vs. Nigeria
Both nations finished second in their respective groups, though Nigeria had one more win. Zambia finished second in a group that sent three of four to Stage 2. Still distraught from the 1993 plane crash that decimated their national team, the emotional Zambian team will march on to face Portugal. Mulenga scores 2 as Zambia knocks off Nigeria, 3-2 in overtime. BA ZAMBIA NA LELO BAWINA, CIPOLO POLO!

Austria vs Gambia
This is a tough one. Gambia suffered a tough loss to a heavily-favored Mexico, but beat Portugal handily. Austria got a win against Canada … who fuckin’ cares … but actually forced Chile to a draw. The Austrian defense will prove just a bit too slow, and Gambia beats Austria 2-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

United States vs. Uruguay
The US team has scored more goals than any other team in the tournament. On his way to 3 goals, Freddy Adu produced consistent scoring chances, while teammates Danny Szetela and Josmer Altidore capitalized with 3 goals each. Uruguay finished their round with a 2-0 loss to Zambia. The US keeps the momentum, and defeats Uruguay, 3-0.

Put a stamp on it folks. It’s as good as done.

Stay tuned, sports fans.

-- The Lone Reader

Editor's Note: The House thanks the Lone Reader for investing 400 times the amount of energy on soccer our staff of three would've if held at gunpoint. We just might have to have this guy back. Or not.


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