Getting Handsy

So Tatum Bell is happy to be in Detroit.

No real surprise there. Aside from being a really great place to live, Detroit has an up-'n'-coming football squad led by an ex-Marine. Those guys never make mistakes. The GM has a panty-wetter of a moustache and rides a Harley. The offensive coordinator wears glasses, hates running the football and, as a bonus, is a total douchebag. So naturally a frustrated young man like Tatum would feel as if he'd found new purchase on life's glassy slope.

"I want to run the ball, but I think it's a better opportunity for me now, with Martz's scheme," Bell said during the club's most recent minicamp. "I can catch the ball pretty well. I wasn't exposed to that in Denver like I am here." (Courtesy of the Detroit News via cbs.sportsline.com)

Here's where it gets greasy. Anyone who has watched a Mike Shanahan-coached team over the last decade has seen plenty of passes to the running back. And, while not as big on screens as some coaches, ol' King Woodchuck still calls his fair share. Terrell caught a fair amount of balls, and in 1995--KW's first year at the rudder--he and Aaron Craver combined for 82 catches. That number dropped over the intervening years as different backs with different skill-sets moved in and out, but you all get the point.

Tatum, in particular, was the target of more frustrating goddamn passes than any back in my memory. Plummer would float one out there, seemingly no one in the same postal code, and it would bounce off Tatum's face mask. Or hands. Or knee. Or face mask, hands, then knee. Every once in a while he'd mix it up and knee one right into his face mask.

Tatum doesn't just have bad hands, he doesn't even have hands--just hand-shaped bricks of adobe and suck. But, by all means, allow him to prove me wrong.

After all, now he's got a real quarterback laying it out there for him. Read more

Ma Cudrapht

That right there, folks, is the single stupidest blog title the world has known. Unlike my inaugural effort in 2006, which I shared only with the captive audience in our fantasy baseball league(s)--I'm currently winning the '07 Ted, by the by--I'm gonna try and keep this short.

However, there exists a not-really-that-small possibility that during tomorrow's opening rounds I'll blog live during each pick. Meantime our Administrator will be winding that slipknot, ala Woody Guthrie's hangman, having completely ODed on uninformed draft blather before the fucking thing has even started. To the mockery!

(Ed. Note: The following bare-bones mock does not take into account trades or anything else, even though trades will most likely occur, possibly even with this narrator's beloved franchise trading into the top 10 to get a crack at a guy like this...or possibly this.)

1. Oakland -- JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
Greg Maddux says chicks dig the long ball, and , uh, we at HoG wouldn't have any idea whether they do or not, honestly. But Al Davis sure does.

2. Detroit -- Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
How can Millen not take this guy? Even if he had picked Marcus Nash in each of the last 10 drafts, he has to take Johnson. Has to...at least for trade bait.

3. Cleveland -- Joe Thomas, LT, Wisconsin
These guys don't just need a QB, they need to keep one healthy.

4. Tampa Bay -- Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Since they couldn't get their boy from the Ramblin' Wreck, a man who was once one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in America takes some help for a rapidly aging D.

5. Arizona -- Levi Brown, LT, Penn State
The team that perpetually needs O-line help takes the best available.

6. Washington -- Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
Why wouldn't Snyder take the highest-profile player on the board? Even with Portis?

7. Minnesota -- LaRon Landry, S, LSU
A guy who says he "plays like a wild bull" goes to a team with a good D that still needs help in that backfield.

8. Atlanta -- Amobi Okoye, DE, Louisville
This team pisses me off for no other reason...OK, a couple of big ones...than taking this kid, who could play 15 years...since he's only 19. Oh, and did we mention their QB is a real upstanding guy who does not deserve to go to jail?

9. Miami -- Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
They need to groom somebody, because getting this guy, last seen walking across a busy street in his underwear, muttering, isn't going to be a solution, and this guy is going to be cut.

10. Houston -- Leon Hall, CB, Michigan
Aside from Dunta "Pronounced Dun-Tay" Robinson, they have no one at CB.

11. San Francisco -- Patrick Willis, LB, Mississippi
Even though this dude will probably be a good pro, had any of us heard his name before 6 months ago?

12. Buffalo -- Marshawn Lynch, RB, California
The first reach from a team known for them. Ladies of Buffalo, if you date this man, beware.

13. St. Louis -- Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska
With the exception of Will Shields, Neil Smith and Tom Rathman, name me a good pro Cornhusker. And not this guy either.

14. Carolina -- Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
The Cats stop the big man's fall, which if it happened would cause something on the order of a 5.6 quake.

15. Pittsburgh -- Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt
Too high for this guy, but he played next door.

16. Green Bay -- Ted Ginn Jr.
Instant return offense for a team that needs help scoring... and we don't mean with Green Bay's notoriously easy female population.

17. Jacksonville -- Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas
Again, the Jags pick up a D-line stud. Too bad he can't play QB.

18. Cincinnati -- Lawrence Timmons, LB, Florida State
These guys haven't had good LB play in years, and as a bonus, this guy is currently not being prosecuted.

19. Tennessee -- Robert Meachem, WR, Tennesee
He played next door, he's underrated and Young needs someone-anyone--to throw the ball to.

20. New York Giants -- Aaron Ross, CB, Texas
Even if he shows up at camp as--surprise!--a quadraplegic, he'll still be better than what the Gints have now.

21. Denver -- Jon Beason, LB, Miami
A worthy successor to our dearly departed former leader. And yes, I know we signed two LBs yesterday...this guy will be better than both.

22. Dallas -- Reggie Nelson, S, Florida
With Roy Williams unable to cover anything faster than Moss--Spanish, not Santana--Jerry's kids take the best safety remaining.

23. Kansas City -- Joe Staley, OL, Central Michigan
What doesn't this team need? They start by rebuilding a former strength with this converted tight end.

24. New England -- Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State
They need a 'backer, he's a good fit. Peter King will write 5,000 words next Monday on why this was the single greatest draft pick ever by anyone.

25. New York Jets -- Michael Griffin, S, Texas
Great special teamer and tackler fits this D perfectly.

26. Philadelphia -- Ben Grubbs, G, Auburn
Andy Reid loves drafting linemen, they say, and it should be said, appears to have devoured one himself.

27. New Orleans -- Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami
He'll get a chance to open fire on opposing runners in this completely safe city.

28. New England -- Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State
Not only is Belichick a pal of Pat Hill, but the Pats have enough depth to take a chance on this kid.

29. Baltimore -- Ryan Kalil, C, USC
The chalk pick, right. Go eff yourself.

30. San Diego -- Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina
See the Pats' last pick. The loaded Bolts can afford to groom a potentially good starter.

31. Chicago -- Kevin Kolb, QB, Houston
Sexy Rexy is the handsomest man alive, but his days at the helm in BigShouldersville are numbered.

32. Indianapolis -- Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue
Might continue the Boilermakers' recent tradition of sending quality ends to the league. In any case, gets the played nearby homer vote, which means a lot to these people.

Talk to you kids tomorrow, bright and early... Read more

The Quest for the Cup; HoG's Semi-Finals Preview

It's no secret that most of the world (my HoG colleagues certainly no exception) would rather watch any sport but hockey. I must admit, Women's Tennis has a certain tendency to turn me into a Peeping Tom appeal to it. And that's fine. For those of you hangin' with me in the minority of athletic contest viewing, here's where the picking gets tricky. The Quarter Finals have started -- the Pens got schooled 6-3 by the Sens up in Ottawa, and, in the West, the Ducks have gained the edge on the Wild, while the Sharks took four overtime periods to notch a victory over Nashville. But we're focusing on the East. For now. Though most of the Pittsburgh crew didn't show up for the game, the two young stars notched some points. As I mentioned in my Quarter Finals Preview, the Pens have got to get better performances from their goaltender. I think they will, but not enough to advance. There's no way in hell this group of kids can expect to come back after losing game one -- in which they generated a mere 26 shots against a very average goaltender -- to a bigger, stronger Ottawa club that has the edge in home games. Look for very good things from this non-Kansas-City-franchise in the next couple of seasons.

The Buffalo Sabres face off against the New York Islanders this evening. If Lindy Ruff's club doesn't sweep this sad-sac club that needed help to clinch the eighth spot in the East, I'll shave my Old Number 7's head. Devils-Lightning appears to be a no-brainer. Marty Brodeur played out of his skull this year, and he should handle the Tampa Bay snipers. He will, but it will take the Devils seven games to do it. Atlanta vs. the Rangers might be the Eastern Conference sleeper. The Thrashers put together a stronger regular-season campaign, but the Rangers came alive at the end. They'll make a fight out of it, but Bob Hartley's crew will get the better of them.



In the West, things are a little fuzzier. As mentioned, the Ducks have a 1-0 lead in their series with the Wild. Minnesota might grab a victory or two --though two would be a stretch -- but the force of the Mighty will be too much for the northerners. In my estimation, San Jose got lucky last night. Or should I say this morning. The fact that it took them two OTs to defeat the Preds shows resiliency in a poorly supported Nashville squad. They'll bounce back and eliminate the shark tank residents. As I predicted in my WCQF preview, the Canucks will advance in this round, disposing of the neurotic Marty Turco and his Stars. Though Turco posted 72 saves and hung tight through most of four OTs, his non-success in the post-season will dull the Stars by series end. And the Sedin twins surprised me last night. Evidently they've stepped it up, but it won't be enough to deal with their next-round foes, regardless of who they are.



Last and absolutely least, are the gays from the motor city. Sure, they'll handle the Flames. Who wouldn't? Handling Calgary is like the Denver Broncos cheating-- it happens every year. It's in-flippin'-evitable. So, can we spare any television time of these clowns? Can we just give them a bye? Wait, I suppose they could fuck it up and lose. And that would rule. So we'll make them earn it. And that, patient reader(s), is your Semi-Finals Preview.



Stay tuned as bad teams get eliminated, and I continue to look really cool by making easy picks. We'll be in the thick of it before you know it, and, to quote Old Number 7, someone will soon hoist the greatest sports trophy ever. Read more