Where Pitchers Hit & Giants Suck (Part II)
I saw the two cats above in Scottsdale last week. Minutes after this photo was taken, one choked on a peanut and one took a Ferris Bueller foul ball to the temple, and both are now on the DL. Sa-wing, batter.
I’m about to say something that may shock and amaze you. It may throw off your sense of time and space, make you nauseous, or cause you to cry. If your name is Cecil, it may increase the blood flow to your crotch, resulting in non-Kerry wood.
The Chicago Cubs are the best team in the National League.
It’s true. They won’t win the pennant, or probably even make the playoffs, because, well, they’re the Cubs. But they are stacked. Sure they have tremendous flaws, but every team in baseball and especially the NL is crippled by something. On to the Elite Eight:
8. ARIZONA D’BAGS Here is your sleeper. The ‘Bags have a batch of kids that will soon dazzle baseball. Stephen Drew, Carlos Quentin and Chris B. Young are fucking legitimate, and Conor Jackson will hit enough to keep Tony Clark on the bench. Like the Brewers, there’s no vet to keep the youngsters grounded (they should have found a way to hold on to Gonzales), but they should be all right. On the mound you’ve got your Cy Young winner, your ex-Cy Unit, a guaranteed 200-innings Livan and Doug Davis as the No. 4. That, my friends, is some pitching. Keep an eye out for Arizona.
7. HOUSTON ASTROS At Enron the fans will witness a show this season. Slotting Carlos Lee behind Lance Berkman will result in fireworks. But there are too many easy outs in the rest of the lineup and the bullpen is shaky. Insert the Rocket and the playoffs may happen in the wild, wild NL Central.
6. ATLANTA BRAVES The more I think about it, I’m feeling that 2006 was an aberration for Atlanta. Following their historic run of division titles and playoff flameouts, the Braves got it backwards last year and stayed home in October. In ’07, they’ll have a better rotation by default. The relief corps was bolstered by Rafael Soriano and Mike Gonzales, closer types who will assist B.F. Wickman in the late innings. The Braves have better pitching than the Mets and the Phillies, and if they can hit at all they may be back in their familiar position of losing in the first round of the postseason.
5. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES For some reason folks are impressed by Philly’s pitching. Sure, Freddie Garcia could dominate NL bats. Brett Myers could pitch more and beat women less. Cole Hamels could blossom. But more likely, the Phils will continue to fight for 9-7 wins. They are contenders, for sure, but let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet over this year’s Phillies.
4. ST. LOUISE CARDINALS If every potential NL pennant-winner has flaws, the Cards have more than any other embraced theirs. LaRussa’s men have collectively said “but fuck it.” Why not? They already wear rings from ’06, why couldn’t they repeat? St. Louise has the NL’s best pitcher and best hitter, and their drunk-driving skipper can pull the strings like a mad wino genius. The rest of the pieces are iffy, but don’t count out these ratty birds.
3. LOS ANGELES DODGERS LA has stocked its cupboard with quality arms, and the everyday players are a nice mix of up-and-comers and old hands with a bit of gas left in the tank. Sure, there are no superstar sluggers on board, but until Grady Little buries this team with his aw-shucks stupidity they have the edge in the NL West.
2. NEW YORK METS The Amazins field a true American League lineup that is deep, powerful and swift. Pedro Martinez is on the roster, and Billy Wagner is ably set up by quality relievers. So long as you don’t talk about the healthy starting pitchers, you’ve got a potential World Champion on your hands. That said, Tom Glavine, while still relevant, is no ace. Not for the Pirates, nor the Braves, and certainly not for a team that was one pitch away from the World Series last year. He’s joined by Orlando Hernandez, Oliver Perez, John Maine, and Mike Pelfrey. Yech. Pedro will return, and the Mets have the resources to deal for an arm or two, but to not address this rotation is a crime against humanity. Lucky for management, “humanity” does not describe most Mets fans.
1. CHICAGO CUBS The beauty of the Northsiders’ offseason is that for the first time this decade they’ve built a team based on realistic ideals. No longer are the Cubs waiting around for Prior and Wood to regain their 2003 form. If they do, they’ll have the best pitching in the NL. But pieces are in place to contend despite continued disappointment from the Terrible Two. Chicago signed Jason Marquis and Ted Lilly, neither of whom dominate but could help (and considering the FA market could be steals). Carlos Zambrano and young Rich Hill have ace stuff, and Ryan Dempster is a rarity—an underrated Cub. Every position player has a plus bat, and the bench is deep. Unlike Dusty Baker, whose slavish devotion to hacks like Neifi Perez held his club back, Lou Piniella has versatile parts like Cesar Izturis, Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot to plug in when necessary. Cliff Floyd can play right, pinch hit and get hurt—he’s good at two of those things. And after shelling out $300 million to add Soriano and the rest of this group, you know that ownership won’t cheap out at the deadline. The mix is there to break the fans’ hearts in new and previously unseen ways—good times.
Now let’s fucking Play Ball!
I’m about to say something that may shock and amaze you. It may throw off your sense of time and space, make you nauseous, or cause you to cry. If your name is Cecil, it may increase the blood flow to your crotch, resulting in non-Kerry wood.
The Chicago Cubs are the best team in the National League.
It’s true. They won’t win the pennant, or probably even make the playoffs, because, well, they’re the Cubs. But they are stacked. Sure they have tremendous flaws, but every team in baseball and especially the NL is crippled by something. On to the Elite Eight:
8. ARIZONA D’BAGS Here is your sleeper. The ‘Bags have a batch of kids that will soon dazzle baseball. Stephen Drew, Carlos Quentin and Chris B. Young are fucking legitimate, and Conor Jackson will hit enough to keep Tony Clark on the bench. Like the Brewers, there’s no vet to keep the youngsters grounded (they should have found a way to hold on to Gonzales), but they should be all right. On the mound you’ve got your Cy Young winner, your ex-Cy Unit, a guaranteed 200-innings Livan and Doug Davis as the No. 4. That, my friends, is some pitching. Keep an eye out for Arizona.
7. HOUSTON ASTROS At Enron the fans will witness a show this season. Slotting Carlos Lee behind Lance Berkman will result in fireworks. But there are too many easy outs in the rest of the lineup and the bullpen is shaky. Insert the Rocket and the playoffs may happen in the wild, wild NL Central.
6. ATLANTA BRAVES The more I think about it, I’m feeling that 2006 was an aberration for Atlanta. Following their historic run of division titles and playoff flameouts, the Braves got it backwards last year and stayed home in October. In ’07, they’ll have a better rotation by default. The relief corps was bolstered by Rafael Soriano and Mike Gonzales, closer types who will assist B.F. Wickman in the late innings. The Braves have better pitching than the Mets and the Phillies, and if they can hit at all they may be back in their familiar position of losing in the first round of the postseason.
5. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES For some reason folks are impressed by Philly’s pitching. Sure, Freddie Garcia could dominate NL bats. Brett Myers could pitch more and beat women less. Cole Hamels could blossom. But more likely, the Phils will continue to fight for 9-7 wins. They are contenders, for sure, but let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet over this year’s Phillies.
4. ST. LOUISE CARDINALS If every potential NL pennant-winner has flaws, the Cards have more than any other embraced theirs. LaRussa’s men have collectively said “but fuck it.” Why not? They already wear rings from ’06, why couldn’t they repeat? St. Louise has the NL’s best pitcher and best hitter, and their drunk-driving skipper can pull the strings like a mad wino genius. The rest of the pieces are iffy, but don’t count out these ratty birds.
3. LOS ANGELES DODGERS LA has stocked its cupboard with quality arms, and the everyday players are a nice mix of up-and-comers and old hands with a bit of gas left in the tank. Sure, there are no superstar sluggers on board, but until Grady Little buries this team with his aw-shucks stupidity they have the edge in the NL West.
2. NEW YORK METS The Amazins field a true American League lineup that is deep, powerful and swift. Pedro Martinez is on the roster, and Billy Wagner is ably set up by quality relievers. So long as you don’t talk about the healthy starting pitchers, you’ve got a potential World Champion on your hands. That said, Tom Glavine, while still relevant, is no ace. Not for the Pirates, nor the Braves, and certainly not for a team that was one pitch away from the World Series last year. He’s joined by Orlando Hernandez, Oliver Perez, John Maine, and Mike Pelfrey. Yech. Pedro will return, and the Mets have the resources to deal for an arm or two, but to not address this rotation is a crime against humanity. Lucky for management, “humanity” does not describe most Mets fans.
1. CHICAGO CUBS The beauty of the Northsiders’ offseason is that for the first time this decade they’ve built a team based on realistic ideals. No longer are the Cubs waiting around for Prior and Wood to regain their 2003 form. If they do, they’ll have the best pitching in the NL. But pieces are in place to contend despite continued disappointment from the Terrible Two. Chicago signed Jason Marquis and Ted Lilly, neither of whom dominate but could help (and considering the FA market could be steals). Carlos Zambrano and young Rich Hill have ace stuff, and Ryan Dempster is a rarity—an underrated Cub. Every position player has a plus bat, and the bench is deep. Unlike Dusty Baker, whose slavish devotion to hacks like Neifi Perez held his club back, Lou Piniella has versatile parts like Cesar Izturis, Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot to plug in when necessary. Cliff Floyd can play right, pinch hit and get hurt—he’s good at two of those things. And after shelling out $300 million to add Soriano and the rest of this group, you know that ownership won’t cheap out at the deadline. The mix is there to break the fans’ hearts in new and previously unseen ways—good times.
Now let’s fucking Play Ball!
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