We Will Play to Sometimes Win the Game

The time has come for me to not even come close to rivaling Cecil's Sched-you-Well posts. Many things are up in the air for my beloved team, and, naturally, time will tell whether or not the Hermenator has got the boys on the right page. I'm hoping that in a few weeks, his Personnel Department duplicates what I considered to be one of the best drafts (2006) in recent team history. I'm confident the defense will continue to improve, and of course our running game will be a factor. Can we pass and catch? Can we stop the big plays? These unanswered questions (not to mention who will QB this club) waver in the Kansas City air with every day the season draws nearer. Nevertheless, I'ma break down the matchups for the 2007 Kansas City Chiefs. It's a looka lil' something like this:

Sept. 9

The Chiefs open this year with two road games. Ugh. They have done nothing shy of play miserable road football in the last six years. However, a week one matchup against Houston's Texans leaves little to be desired. Our non-existent passing game/mildly threatening defense stymies Kubiak's kids, and the Chiefs leave Reliant Stadium with a W by the margin of 24-10, Chiefs Nation freaks the fuck out for no reason whatsoever. 1-0

Sept. 16

Battle of the bloaches: Take One, Herm vs. Lovie. Yikes. At Soldier Field? That's rough. Much of the outcome of this game will depend upon the game-day eve poon tang hoarding rocket-speed accuracy of a certain former Gay-tor. Wait. No it won't. What will matter is whether or not Nathan's idol can put together some smidgeon of an offense against D that, sans Tank, will have -- how do you say -- less guns. Surprisngly, it winds up a grudge match, one in which the good guys fall short. Chiefs 17, Da' Bears 21, phase one of Operation Panic Mode sets in. 1-1

Sept. 23

The Arrowhead home opener turns out to be a re-match of Super Bowl IV. Can any franchise be more consistently unpredictable than Red Coombs'? No telling what the purple people eaters will surprise you with this year while failing to develop potential talent and good signings. Damon Huard and LJ produce a combined 500-yard day. Chiefs win, 31-14, Chiefs Nation sighs. Sort of. 2-1

Sept. 30

A trip to Qualcomm=good times. What happened to the good ol' days when the Bolts being in your division meant a guaranteed sweep? Oh, how I miss 'em. Good news is, Norv Turner is a few notches away from being a good football coach. Injured LT (it's the thought that counts), buckets o' 'roids, and not the greatest TE in the game can't help you there. Kudos, Mr. Smith. Chiefs snap a big losing streak in sunny San Diego, 24-20, Chiefs fans start talking ridculous. 3-1

Oct. 7

Another trip to Arrowhead for Jack "Los" Del Rio. And he's pissed about last year's December loss. Not to worry. They have no quarterback, and Maurice Jones-Drew is still recovering from a pre-season hamstring shredding. Chiefs surive another shootout, 28-27, and at this point, Chiefs fans won't be happy unless the red and gold win out. 4-1

Oct. 14

Battle of the bloaches: Take Two, Herm vs. Marvin. The Bengals come to Arrowhead for the third season in a row. Bizarre. Two years ago, we embarrassed them, and tweaked their post-season hopes. Last year, they shook the foundations of Castle Chief. The good guys seek revenge, but can't muster it. They lose 24-13, Nathan calls for Solari's head on a platter. Enraged white people claim they're smarter than Herm. 4-2

Oct. 21

See entry # 2. Except insert Kansas City where you see Denver. 5-2

Oct. 28

The bye week. Could we possibly have a gayer name for a day off? Come on.

Nov. 4

The frozen tundra. Shut the fuck up. These guys are gonna blow. Chiefs are rollin', 24-14. 6-2

Nov. 11

The Broncos come to town first this year. Don't know what to say about that. Oh, wait. Yes I do. We win. Huge. Chiefs 49, Broncos 3. It's kind of a snore of a game, but always exciting to show the cheaters how to play conservative, clock-managed, running-based football. Chiefs 19, Broncos 10, just like Turkey Day a year ago. 7-2

Nov. 18

Battle of the bloaches: Take Three, Herm vs. Tony. Insert loss #3. The night before the game, Herm treats the Dungenator to dinner, text messages (to avoid media speculation) him the pages he'll use from the playbook, and the Chiefs wish this was last year's playoff, playoff? game. Damon & Co. 6, Meastly Mannings 31. Ouch. 7-3

Nov. 25

Because the Chiefs like to let Raiders games at Arrowhead resemble what used to be a good rivalry, Lane Kiffin's club almost wins. Again. A guy I like to call Tony G., however, dunks three times, shatters all remaining evidence of Captain Cocksmoke's records. Chiefs 24, Raiders 23. 8-3

Dec. 2

Norv's in town. And he reminds Chiefs Nation that he does happen to have some talent on his squad. And, hey, he's won a few games in his day. Troy Aikman loves this guy. In case you didn't know. LT goes off. So does the Chiefs' D, as in takes the day off. Chiefs 10, Chargers 27. Boo. 8-4

Dec. 9

It is here, my good friends, that the season is made. Gone are the days of Deltha picking off Trent four times in the same game. The same game! Come to think of it, gone are Deltha and Trent. So, yeah. We got that goin' for us. Gone are Mike Anderson 66-yard touchdown runs. Hell, he's gone, too. Gone are the days of Clinton "da' Troof" Portis donning gay, non-existent championship belts on the sidelines. Also 86ed. Quentin Griffin on Sunday night openers, gone. The Chiefs have seen the top of the AmVesCap mountain. Last year's 9-6 OT loss marked the turning point. This year, they leave the gorgeous, awe-inspiring, beautiful-woman-laden, never-a-jerk-fan-having, physically-fit-fan-based venue with a W. Barely. Chiefs 20, Ass Clowns 17. 9-4



Dec. 16
A Pac-man-less Jeff Fisher comes to town. What a shame. I was hoping for a "rainy" afternoon at my favorite nudey bar. Maybe next year. Arrowhead attendees do get a little taste of Vin-sanity Deux (not that Mistah Cah-tuh ever played hoops there, but you catch my drift), and the Titans make a show of it. Nevertheless, the Chiefs emerge victorious, 31-21. 10-4



Dec. 23
Ah, the sweet smell of industry and octopi. I sure love me some Motown. And by love, I mean long to torch. Does this team even have a coach right now? Whoever it is, it reaks of Millen Man March leftovers. Chiefs 35, Lions 14. 11-4

Dec. 30.
What a homecoming. Our one and only primetime broadcast pits Herm against his successor. Herm cracks. Big time. The Chiefs pull a Pittsburgh Passion Party '07, rent their uniforms to a bunch of chain-smoking MS sufferers, and completely shit the bed. Good times. J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets 41, Chiefs 13. Afterwards, NY officials force Herm to do two press conferences in which he gets blasted by both KC and NY media, his worst nightmare. Ever. Naturally, he drops all of his tag lines, and tells all the journalists he never watches football games. 11-5

In this best NFL division, bar none, this record is frightening. Ten and six doesn't get you in in '05. Nine and seven (with a little help from my friends) does in '06. So, it's a gamble. But enough to rein in a division title. Then lose in the second round of the playoffs. That's right. I said second. We're bucking tradition around here.