Sunday, April 1, 2007

Where Pitchers Hit & Giants Suck (Part I)


Today is Opening Day, only Major League Baseball has whored itself out to the four-letter network with this bastardized single night game. Opening Day is truly tomorrow, with games played under natural light and kids ditching school to sell out stadiums that are normally empty, Kansas City (Editor's note: and Denver). But diehards have tonight’s game, the first one that counts, and we are happy.

The New York Mets and St. Louis Cardinals will meet on the frozen tundra of Busch Stadium in a rematch of last year’s National League Championship Series. The NL took its lumps last year, lampooned as an inferior league all season. In the Fall Classic, however, the Cards took it to the Detroit Tigers and took home the hardware. This St. Louis team was their weakest in five years, supposedly bereft of pitching, and won only 83 games during a lackluster regular season.

The best players, the most elite teams, and far more payroll still reside in the league with the designated hitter. But the NL is coming back strong, shedding its former quadruple-A status with a deep group of contenders and three compelling division races. None of these teams are at the level of the Tigers, Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox or even Angels, but in a short series in late October anything can happen.

Let’s count down the NL, starting with the bottom-feeders.

16. WASHINGTON NATIONALS Generally, when a club prepares to move from an old shithole into a fancy new park, they’ll throw their fans a few bones to whet the base’s appetite. A slugging veteran, a trendy prospect, some pieces that give the faithful hope for the future. The Nats follow no such conventions. Many are picking Washington to challenge the ’62 for all-time futility, but I’ll focus on the positive. They are a lock to win 45, maybe even 50 games.

15. CINCINNATI REDS There are some good things going on here, with good pitchers at the front of the rotation (Harang and Arroyo) and a couple nice young hitters in the lineup. But to call the ‘pen a train wreck is an insult to train wrecks, and the sluggers strike out way too much to consistently produce runs.

14. FLORIDA MARLINS They’re way too young to actually contend, and they dumped Joe Girardi over a dumb personality conflict. They could surprise again, but I doubt it.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES Why does this team use red in its uniforms? Next the Pens will don camouflage, and the Steelers will pin a big pink “S” on the front of their jerseys (for “steroids”).

12. SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS The Giants, what’s the best way to put this, suck. They are really, really horrible. Barry Zito was a horrible signing, and if they win more than 65 games Barry Bonds should be named MVP.

11. MILWAUKEE BREWERS The Brew Crew is one of those chic sleeper picks from contrarian analysts. I don’t buy it. Sure, if Ben Sheets can go the whole way they could make a run. But there’s not a single steady vet to anchor the lineup, defense or clubhouse. Wait til next year, Bernie.

10. COLORADO ROCKIES I really wanted to slot the home team higher, but I just can’t. The sticks are there, and my belief is that they’ll have the third best lineup in the NL behind the Mets and Cubs. They’re utilizing a mix of speed and power that could be truly formidable. The bullpen is even decent. But they’re starting a rookie, a rookie, and a journeyman up the middle and the rotation is a project at best. Francis and Cook could give them steady innings, and sinkerballer Rodrigo Lopez could have a NL renaissance. More than likely, though, this will happen (and I demand that my administrator include The Dugout among our sports links).

9. SAN DIEGO PADRES The Friars have won consecutive NL West flags, but they suffer from the same crippling disease that the ass-awful Giants have caught. That is, they’re old as shit. Unlike the G-Men, however, they have a dominant bullpen and a true ace. A middle-of-the-pack bunch.

Back with the first division in a few hours…

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