Sched-u-Well Vol. 2

Just wait until the Draft. Then I'll be posting some really long, self-involved shit.

Back to breakdown of the Denver Broncos' 2007 schedule. For those who missed it, which I believe is probably all of you, volume one is a few posts down. I still don't know how all this bloggery works. Why we can't have the voluminous comments engendered by these little pieces of sport-literature ecstasy appearing as they do elsewhere, in a list below the post? How come we can't click the ads? Just why is it that we rule so fucking hard someone at SMU is wasting time reading this nonsense when they could be studying? (Thanks to our Administrator for the joke, and you, Mustang--no masturbating. We're watching.)

Anyway...

9. Nov. 11, at Kansas City, 11 a.m.
Not only an Arrowhead game (you'll hear more about the tradition before game-time, but to break it down: several people from the great state of Colorado travel across the hostile plains to the flat state of Kansas/Missouri, where they indulge in bottles galore of Pabst Blue Ribbon, plenty of local barbecue and, usually, a good dose of crow following), but a morning Arrowhead game. The Chiefs could be 0-fer and we'd still have trouble. I have high hopes for future Cutlerian victories, but alas: Chiefs, 30, Denver 27. Broncos 7-2.

10. Nov. 19, Tennessee, 6:30 p.m.
I have a feeling--along with every other sentient human who follows the NFL--that Travis Henry is going to be glad to finally be on a team that doesn't have a high-priced "stud buffalo" (Shanahan's pet phrase, which says something about him...not sure what, though) waiting to get carries. In Tennessee it was LenDale White, a former Denver-area schoolboy player at South and Chatfield--where his coach was ubiquitous Denver sports figure Dave Logan--who used to run for like 260 yards a game back when he was playing against pre-pubescents. Then he went to USC, ate a lot of meat, won a Championship or two, was the best back on the field against Texas, got drafted by a team that employed his college offensive co-ordinator and disappeared. I was flummoxed. I thought LenDale, in addition to having a great name, would be the kind of Jamal Lewis-esque pro who would wear down defenses but still skip and hop through the secondary with nimble, elfin footwork. And who knows? He might still be--but he could not beat out Henry last year when that team would have liked nothing better than to have him do so. We'll see how LenDale fares in his return home, but my money's on Travis. Denver rolls, 41-17. 8-2

11. Nov. 25, at Chicago, 11 a.m.
Road, NFC North team, morning game. Disaster. I don't want to write this, but I will, even though I think the Bears are wicked overrated: Bears 27, Broncos 7. Denver at 8-3, losses in two of the last three...

12. Dec. 2, at Oakland, 2:05 p.m.
While we never like playing the Raiders because they cheat and rape grandmothers, we feel a bit better heading into this game than the first. Why? Because the unknown is now known: JaMarcus (assuming they drafted him, which I think is a safe assume) didn't help. Randy retired early to work his IntaJuice franchise. Lane Kiffin proved to be no Tom Flores. Hell, Lane Kiffin proved to be no Joe Bugel. The Raiders remain a mess. And we still almost stumble here because sometimes that just happens in the NFL. Denver 21, Oakland 20. 9-3.

13. Dec. 9, Kansas City, 2:15 p.m.
This is how it goes, every year: we lose in KC. They lose in Denver. It's the Timeless Rhythm of the AFC West, our tide. Our swallows to Capistrano. We don't question why, we just go with it. Last year, Larry "I'm Really Not The Biggest Fuckbag in the League, Really" Johnson ran for like 130 yards, our offense looked like the intramural squad at Northern Tennessee Teacher's College...and we still won. Don't look for the tide to change this year. Denver 24, Kansas City 18. 10-3

14. Dec. 13, at Houston, 6:15 p.m.
I believe in Kubiak. I think that, given enough time and shittiness, he'll eventually accumulate the talent to make that team a winner. Providing, of course, they give him the time...but how many years did they give Dom Capers? And Dom Capers, besides having truly astounding ears, is a doof. How many coaching gigs can you wring out of a few years of mild success a decade before? Kubiak deserves at least that. And maybe Schaub is worth it. Maybe. They still need receivers, an offensive line, a running game, a competent defense and a reason for their fans to keep caring, which won't come today. Denver 33, Houston 10. 11-3. Denver fans are excited. Again.

15. Dec. 24, at San Diego, 6 p.m.
I tipped my pick earlier when I said we'd split the season. Cutler gets a faceful of 'roid rager Merriman, That country bumpkin Rivers throws a few TDs to ex-Northern Colorado kid Vincent Jackson, and the fans who can just barely show up in number enough to keep their team from moving to Torrance jump around and crow like they've won something. Memo to dude dressed as a thunderbolt: no amount of scrubbing will ever remove your shame. Chargers 30, Denver 17. 11-4

16. Dec. 30, Minnesota, 2:15 p.m.
OK. The list is: night games, dome games, morning games, and games against the NFC North. It's a baffler. A few years back, the Broncos played Minnesota in the dome (ack!) and lost in one of the craziest games I've ever seen. A few years even before that, Sean Salisbury beat us in Mile High. The memory still claws at the back of my eyelids. Do I think we can exorcise some of those demons o' the frozen north? Yeah. I do. I think we roll, 34-13. I think we finish 12-4 and get at least one home playoff game. I doubt 12-4 will be good enough for home field, but who knows?

So get some sleep, Cutler. The Broncos monitors at HoG are expecting big things from you.