Broncos Weight Down Cheerleader Tryouts

In an effort to remain atop the classiest of the classy AFC franchises, the Denver Broncos opted to broaden requirements for potential cheerleaders. In the past, potential Colorado cuties had been subject to extreme physical stipulations, provisions that often times left the franchise beneath a lens of ethical scrutiny. HoG found this noble gesture to be so moving, we asked Head Coach Mike Shanahananigan to sit down with us for what we like to call a "Mile-High Chat."


HoG: Coach, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. We know you're a busy little rodent guy, so let's get right down to business. We understand that you were a big advocate of -- how shall we say this -- widening the competition.

MS: Just because something’s in the newspaper or something’s on a so-called channel does not mean that I said it or someone within the organization said it.

HoG: Uh, coach...isn't that like, one of your go-to press conference lines that you use with the Denver media?

MS: Sorry. What was the question?

HoG: The tryouts, coach. Weren't you a big advocate for implementing this change?

MS: What are you trying to say? That I'm not a likeable guy?

HoG: No, coach. The opposite actually.

MS: Well, of course. He got someone...(pauses to compose self) very special in...(long pause)...

HoG: Uh, coach -- what are you talking about? Cheerleaders. Focus

MS: I know, I know. I'm stunned and deeply saddened by this tragedy.

HoG: The tryout changes?

MS: No. Of course not. I'm talking about not having Johnny on the team. I'm so proud of him.

HoG: For what? Winning Super Bowl MVP? Coach, that was nine years ago. You're concerning me. Have you been sticking to your doctor-regimented tanning bed hour maximum? Jesus. (turns to cameraman) Is he fucked up? His face looks redder than normal. Is that...? Is he slobbering? Look how glassy his eyes are.

MS: (drools)...Mmm...tanning beds...cigarettes...Jameson with a splash of Dewar's. Or is it Dewar's with a splash of Jameson? Fuck.




HoG: Alright, let's skip the cheerleader segment. How does your Player Personnel Department feel about the upcoming draft?

MS: Yes.

HoG: 'Scuse me?

MS: Of course. We're very excited about trying to get Mo' Clo' back on the team.

HoG: Coach, I think he's in the slammer right now.

MS: Never under-estimate the power of the Shanster, compadre.

HoG: Can you tell us anything about your team, coach?

MS: Ha. Bly. Stokley. Henry. What's to tell? Don't forget Jay and Champ and Rod. We are going to totally fucking dominate. After we take over the division, the conference, the league, and the nation, our next immediate goal will be specific regions of Central America. Yeeeeee-haw! You best back the fuck up!

HoG: You seem pretty fired up, coach. What gives you the edge and the confidence?

MS: Are you serious? Have you seen the competition? Once I mow over that junior high kid coaching Al's club, then there's Norv Turner -- are you kidding me with this shit? Norv Turner? -- and Tony Dungy's bunkmate out there in Missou-rah, I'll just club old W. over the head, stuff John Fox in Javon's trunk, and I'll be storming Panama before anyone can fucking stop me.

HoG: You're going to put the head coach of the Carolina Panthers in your wide out's SUV?

MS: No, dumbshit. The president of Mexico.

HoG: Coach, that's Vicente Fox.

MS: Whatever. Let's wrap this up. I got a tanning appointment in 30.

HoG: You got it. How do you feel about the play of your quarterback in his upcoming sophomore season?

MS: Well, technically it'll be his first season as a starter.

HoG: Right. Of course.

MS: That kid's gonna tear it up. He gets the finest (does joint-smoking gesture, offers fake snarf) cheeba in town. We good?

HoG: Absolutely, coach. Thanks for your time.

MS: Don't thank me. Thank the front office (points aggressively at self) for getting that ass clown out of here on the first bus to Tampa. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a (offers finger quotes) marathon to run.