Fantasy Baseball, ESPN and why I'm a Dipshit; or, Exercise is for Republican Serial Murderers

In a futile attempt to make this alcohol and drug-ravaged carcass of mine somewhat healthy, or at least more healthy than "holy shit, you aren't healthy," I attempted to work out wife my wife Brandy at our local recreation center.

For those of you who don't live in the Ozzie & Harriett-made-real confines of metro Denver, our local recreation centers are a polyglot community experience, kids and grandpas and 'roided up weightlifters and pre-teen basketball players sharing space with Yoga for Paraplegics and the high school swim team. Usually pretty busy. So we go as early as we can, grunt, eyes on the prize, etc. So, working toward that health, I dropped a barbell on the left side o' my chest and also managed to put an evil lava corkscrew in my left shoulderblade. Both being on the same side is awesome. Ever had a vise on your heart?

Oh...right. I should know better than to ask that question to you all, members as you are of the American Society for Ventrical Surgery Via Simple Machines. Forget it happened.

The Nuggets were losing by 12 when my wife took over the remote (the pains of blogging with back to the tube), but now is the time to say that this team has absolutely made up for any negative early season JuJu. They have the sixth seed, they're playing defense, Nene is turning into a legit NBA pro (nightly double-double threat these days) and they can score 100 on anyone. Can they take down one of the Big Boys in the playoffs?

Doubtful. They've won one game in each of their playoff series the last three years, and that's it. San Antonio is a bad matchup and they likely won't get Phoenix, which everyone thinks is a good matchup but still really isn't. And just remember, Nugs Nation, that Mike D'Antoni was not good enough to coach this franchise. Even so, they give us hope for next year and a full season of Carmelo McIverson.

I also hear we have a hockey team in town. They were kicking rear ends right up until they lost out on a trip to the playoffs by a skate-width. But we'll be hearing more about them soon... hockey season doesn't ever end. It's funny--or not, depending--but there was also supposedly a hockey team here when I was little. And they were called the Rockies(!) True story. I totally don't remember them at all. I hear they turned into the New Jersey Devils. Which just goes to show...nothing, really.

I do miss the Denver Bears, though. We had Tim Raines and Andre Dawson! And Gary Sheffield! And that big fat guy who hit 500-foot taters!

We should also, I suppose, address the inescapable fact that rich people have built a large, soccer-only facility next to what was once maybe the most toxic place in America. What to say about it? Don't disturb me while I'm at the Arsenal fishing for trophy largemouths, you gang of ferociously pan-sexual Euro hoodlums.