Other Magazines (and by magazines I mean anything but) the HoG Hates

To say enough already redefines understatement. What is not understated is how fricking sick and tired I am of seeing pukefaces like this guy (gay manshades always a must) playing flippin' cards on flippin' television. What. The fuck. Seriously. Please. Make it stop.

I enjoy "Everyone Loves Raymond" reruns about 65,000 times more than even thinking about cards on television. In fact, there are many, many things I enjoy watching on television more than professional poker. If ever there was a better lead-up to a top ten list, I've not yet found it.

Top Ten Television Programs Better Than Poker

10. Star Trek

I've never once seen an episode of this epic program. Even in the days when I inhabited the splendid canyons of the small Colorado town known as Glen Haven, and our television could pick up a fuzzy Denver news station and a Laramie, Wyoming channel that loved to air Star Trek (my roommates -- three girls, two guys, believe it or not -- would gather 'round every evening for back-to-back Trek episodes), I would hole up in my room and not smoke the non-illegal contents similar to secret compartments of a certain Atlanta Falcons quarterback's water bottle, and listen to music. I will go to my grave with pride having never seen an episode of this show and it is far better than cards on television. Even when money's involved.

9. Golf

I used to have a hard time with golf being on television, especially, when as a kid, I'd want my Pops to shoot hoops with me or take me to the batting cages and he would rather watch golf. Talk about a sedative. Since being swirled into the conglomeration of "sports" a la Every Sport Possible Network, the amount of televised golf enraged me further. And I still don't watch it. Probably never will. Even if Lefty's and Tiger's wives spread marshmallow fluff all over each other's labias, and then cleansed one another while their husbands chipped and putted, I wouldn't watch it. Okay. Maybe I would. But I would so not like it.

8. Dawson's Creek

I don't know what this show is, who was on it, when it was aired, or what it was about. But it winds up in a lot of punch lines and, therefore, is way better than cards on television.

7. Curling

This, and I use this term loosely, sport is so totally gay. But at least they move. Do poker players ever even get up to piss? I think your entry fee must include a bucket to urinate in. Maybe they should get these athletes hammered before the matches. Then maybe there'd be some fighting or debauchery or something. I'm not sure if curling is ever on television when not featured in the Olympics, but it'd be a sure-fire guarantee to be more interesting than geeks with shades exchanging chips.

6. Womens Sports

Give me one of 'em, give me all of 'em. WNBA, NCAA women's hoops, fast pitch softball, women's hockey, I don't care. I'd have to train myself to sleep with my eyes open to count it as watching, but it would rule. Sleep totally trumps cards on television.

5. Sex & the City

There're two things I know about this show: a) chicks talk about banging and get banged on it, and b) chicks get together to watch it, thus freeing up the man from familial obligation. If that ain't better than nerds playing Hold 'Em, I don't know what is.

4. Scrambled Church Programs

You know those channels that always have hard-to-hear/see religious broadcasts? Sure you do. They're in that string of channels you always blast past to get to something real. I'd much rather get my fuzzy God on than watch poker on ESPN.

3. Soap Operas

Nothing spells awful broadcasting better than an early afternoon of television. But if you're watching a soap, you at least know you're not doing what you're supposed to, i.e. work. That, by default claims precedence over broadcasting a high-tempered match of cards.

2. The NBA

The number one source for ruining sports, the ideals of today's youth, the concept of a college education, and Kevin Harlan stomps out cards in a head-to-head match.

1. Arena Football

Not only is this actually, retarded as it might be, a sport, it's far more entertaining than watching people waste their lives at a hexagonal table. And when I say entertaining, I mean specifically for the blind/hearing impaired.

What a perfect segueway to my next thing of hate.

What better to embody a great concept ruined than the AFL. What was wrong with letting the NFL have its Europe league and not watching all that great Canadian football? This league licks sweaty sac. Perennially. I'm not interested in ignoring a good idea like offsides. I couldn't care less if each team scores 50 points. And I certainly don't give a fuck if the freaking wall hurts. Shut the fuck up. Stop wasting space in my newspaper. Please. Act like the plague and die quickly and in mass numbers. Wait. What's that you say? A former Kansas City Chief owns the Brigade? Well, maybe I should not be so ignorant. Maybe I should go support his club since he used to play for the best franchise in the nation. Who is it? Oh. Right. Captain Ass Clown. Sure. I'll support him and his enemy ring-laden fingers. Just as soon as I get done scouring my retinas with a rusty stainless steel scrubber.





Surely, lone reader must be thinking, there can't be room for any more hate in you. Oh, but there is, lone reader. There is. And it's this pig of a woman:

I beg you. Please. Die. Well, not really. We wouldn't actually want anyone to die. That would be awful and inhumane. Instead of dying, how about moving far away, as in to the proverbial ends of the earth, where you will no longer taint, alter, or ruin things the rest of the world considers funny. Because you, Miss Lampanelli, are the antithesis of funny. For those of you not interested in stereotypical, generalized, offensive statements, please turn your head for the following lines. Or just skip the entire paragraph that follows.

I've been watching stand-up comedy for a little over 21 years. I watched Ellen deGeneres on stage before she could legally drink, I think. I listened to the, how shall I put this, unique voice of Judy Tenuda. I stayed tuned in to the two or three times that Rita Rudner graced a stage with her presence. I've watched the waves of the new comediennes come and go on Comedy Central. I've clicked on their links on the Internets. And I'm far from an expert on this bit, but suffice it to say that women, as comics, are not funny. Forgive me. There's no other way to say that. But it's the cold, hard truth. God, the cliches are coming out of me like PBR shits. For real, though. I gotta give it to them for continuing to try. They deserve props for that. I'm a believer that women can do anything men can. With an asterisk, that is. Perhaps I will see the day when I experience gut-busting laughs like the ones good comedians (and by good comedians, I include only those with testicles -- unless LL has male genitalia, which she might -- in which case I'll rephrase to include those that appear to be men) deliver. But I doubt it. Gravely.

But Miss Lampanelli is the newest thing. And she embodies everything not funny. In her latest CC special "Dirty Girl," she did make one funny. It was a crack about a certain ethnicity's tipping habits. After the joke, she went right back into her universe of non-funny. And I'm here to tell you that she must go. Away. Now. Having said that, lone reader, I will now close the chapter of hate. For today.

As soon as I'm done voicing one last beef. This is total and complete horseshit. I too can craftily create good places to rub one out when not within the comforts of my own home. I like free burritos. I can coach basketball. What the fuck? Just when I didn't need to hate any more, I have to add a crappy Mexican restaurant chain to the list. Christ. Forgive me. I'm done. And I must now go pay hard-earned dollars for a flippin' burrito. Maybe the beans won't be too runny, and Zach Greinke will be there. With his special-mouthed girlfriend. That could totally cleanse me of hatred.