I've Never Been Motivated By Money, Not Once, Have You?

At night, just before I rub one out to thoughts of Gillian Anderson tuck myself in, I give thanks to the Lord our God for a good many things. First on that list, is always our national barter system. Nothing makes me prouder when traveling abroad than planting my American seed 'twixt the measty curtains of some foreign snatch bragging about our country's total and complete non-desire to possess currency. My heart just swells every time I tell tales of being able to fill up the tank of my non-resource-using automobile by merely giving a man a 50-pound bag of flour, some fish oil, and a wicker pipe. And I see the ways these other countries operate; it makes me want to weep. These greedy, dollar-hoarding citizens of countless nations across the globe really need to stop for a moment, and recognize that the only way to roll, is American. Where, might you ask, can one find examples to point out? Well, I'm just the Johnson-swinging example-IDing kind of guy that can show you. You can scan the depths of communities along the Atlantic. You could scour the rich hills and suburbs of the Pacific. But isn't it easier to just go right to the middle of these grand united states? My vote is yes, Bankmeister, it is.

We'll have a peek into the halls of a tradition-hearty institution known as the University of Kansas. The walls on this campus beckon visitors with innocence, beauty, humility. Not once has this school of higher education's reputation been affiliated with scandal, crime, embarrassment, greed, or even deceit.

Forgive me. It made me so proud to type those words that I had to step away for a moment to compose myself.

Today, I take great honor in revealing to you, coveted reader(s), that KU sophomore Julian Wright is not sticking with his word, and he will announce his intention to enter the NBA draft. But hold the press. This decision, unlike all others who have forgone the rest of their collidge education, was not about money. As The Kansas City Star's Jason King reports, Wright says "Money has never been my motivation or the motivation of anyone in my family."

Allow yourself(ves) a deep breath. It would've been an atrocity to discover in that same article that KU Head Coach Bill Self said that Wright had "asked him to call NBA teams on his behalf to inquire about his draft status" or that, based on Wright's anticipated top-15-selection status, he would be guaranteed "a two-year contract worth between $2.7 million and $8 million." Christ. And for all these years, I thought R-O-L-A-I-D-S spelled relief. Nope. Knowing that Wright made this choice pretending that his future paychecks would be exchangeable for fake money eases my conscience to immeasurable levels.

Here's the skinny on all of this fecal-ridden draft business. His Hootieness put it to me one way over the course of my four-day Boy Scoutesque outing of a bachelor party. He asked me "What right does anyone have to deny an 18-year-old man the right to seek and attain gainful employment?" I thought that was pretty good. Even for a guy that gets Divinyls on himself over

certain things that are just totally gay and unacceptable. Not that those two are synonymous. Nevertheless, he also says to me, "Bankmeister," he says, "you mean to tell me that if someone offered you retarded, obnoxious, a step above American Gladiator-level intelligence NBA money, you'd walk away and tell them you wanted to finish collidge?" And I was like, "Duh, Old Number Seven. I so totally would." But that was -- how to sum -- a lie. I'd like to believe that I could be Example Boy and sweep down over the nation (with pictures of all the hot American women I wish I could bang on the back of my cape) and sprinkle Lesson Dust all over our nation's youth. Alas, I can't. Instead, I bitch.

So, thanks, Julian. Thanks for becoming the ninth player in KU history to not leave school early for NBA money. I'm sure you're ready, and will do well. I'm confident that this decision will so totally not result in KU reaching the championship game next year, only to fall by four points, and hand the trophy to some other clown (who absolutely never possesses weed) who's gonna leave his school even earlier than you left yours. We wish you and your ne'er to be wealthy family the best of luck.