Eli's Recipe For Salvation
Editor's Note: This is the second edition of the HoG special feature "Why We Love The Manning Family." From time to time, we'll tackle a topic such as this and pass it around the staff, like a finely rolled spleef or a young lady that's been enjoying jug wine. I can only assume that our Weekend Correspondent will eventually grace us with his fine opinions on the subject, followed by a new "assignment" for next week. Alls I know is I'm done with mine so our God damned Adminstrator can fucking leave me alone about it already. Jesus.
Although the latest edition of the greatest rivalry in sports is well underway over for now, and although there are apparently other games happening somewhere, at the HoG our minds are always on the NFL. Specifically, the official First Family Of Football.
No, not those guys. I’m talking about the sons of Archie. Formerly the butt of jokes—many, many, many jokes—the Brothers Manning have been granted a reprieve by the American Establishment due to Peyton’s big win, newfound lovability, and apparent heterosexuality.
I suppose I can handle Peyton as a winner. I’ve always respected his talent, actually marveled at it. He’s the best technical quarterback I’ve ever seen. And I have no issues with Peyton usurping Dreamboat as the face of the NFL either. His commercials are fucking hilarious and other than looking like an underdeveloped fetus he’s tremendously likable.
I’ll never accept that Chesnning is a myth, however. You’ll have better luck convincing me that Tupac is dead or that the Freemasons didn’t plan 9/11.
Even though the story of Peyton’s coming out (so to speak) is possibly the most fascinating in sport, I spend most of every day pondering the fate of poor Eli. What makes him tick? Is he happy? Will he ever suck less?
Eli Manning is better than Tommy Aaron, Dan McGwire or Ken Brett. He’s better than Mike Maddux, Billy Ripken, and Gerald Wilkins. He’s certainly better than Ozzie Canseco.
A best case scenario for Eli might be to parallel the career of Clay Matthews. Clay played 18 years (at fucking linebacker, no less) while his brother Bruce is considered one of the greatest O-linemen ever. Clay made four Pro Bowls playing on the very good Cleveland Browns teams of the 80s, and he failed to tackle John Elway many times in AFC Championship games. I blame Shottenheimer.
Clay Matthews also had a dad who played in the NFL, and he was also a high first-round pick, after following his brother’s All-America career at USC. If Eli could emulate these achievements, most would say he’s done all right.
Eli will never get the chance to have a Clay Matthews career of pretty damn good play and longevity. Due to the nature of the position he plays, the profile of his brother and ass of a dad, and the media market he chose to play in after being the No. 1 overall pick, anything less than the Hall Of Fame would be a failure to some. And he’s not a Hall Of Fame quarterback.
My suggestion to Eli would be to start smoking the marijuana. It is a gateway drug, and perhaps through herb he could be introduced to the hard stuff. A few arrests would help—at least one DUI, battery of a lady or pre-op tranny, maybe a Page Six photo licking Britney. He needs to bottom out, get humiliated, have America mock him.
Then, by no effort other than playing the sport he’s fairly good at, he can become a hero. The media in this country is really stupid. They love when an athlete comes from hard times (which Eli did not), but the next best thing is someone who pisses away talent and then redeems himself. Look at that Josh Hamilton kid in Cincinnati. He’s one of the most talented prospects in baseball, but he was a flipping meth head. He received an indefinite suspension for pulling a Darryl Strawberry, but now he’s back and every beat writer in baseball is proclaiming his the feel good story of the summer. Look for Charlie Sheen to play him in the movie.
If you don’t drug out, Eli, then you’re doomed to wilt in the shadow of Big Brother. Please forego the path of Johnny Drama, there’s something you can save from this thing yet. The dopes that cover and cheer for sports in this country will give anyone—ANYONE—a chance to make them happy. Christ, look at Alex Rodriguez. In two weeks he’s gone from overpaid asshole choke artist to beloved clutch slugger. Two weeks! Hit the rock, young man.
No, not those guys. I’m talking about the sons of Archie. Formerly the butt of jokes—many, many, many jokes—the Brothers Manning have been granted a reprieve by the American Establishment due to Peyton’s big win, newfound lovability, and apparent heterosexuality.
I suppose I can handle Peyton as a winner. I’ve always respected his talent, actually marveled at it. He’s the best technical quarterback I’ve ever seen. And I have no issues with Peyton usurping Dreamboat as the face of the NFL either. His commercials are fucking hilarious and other than looking like an underdeveloped fetus he’s tremendously likable.
I’ll never accept that Chesnning is a myth, however. You’ll have better luck convincing me that Tupac is dead or that the Freemasons didn’t plan 9/11.
Even though the story of Peyton’s coming out (so to speak) is possibly the most fascinating in sport, I spend most of every day pondering the fate of poor Eli. What makes him tick? Is he happy? Will he ever suck less?
Eli Manning is better than Tommy Aaron, Dan McGwire or Ken Brett. He’s better than Mike Maddux, Billy Ripken, and Gerald Wilkins. He’s certainly better than Ozzie Canseco.
A best case scenario for Eli might be to parallel the career of Clay Matthews. Clay played 18 years (at fucking linebacker, no less) while his brother Bruce is considered one of the greatest O-linemen ever. Clay made four Pro Bowls playing on the very good Cleveland Browns teams of the 80s, and he failed to tackle John Elway many times in AFC Championship games. I blame Shottenheimer.
Clay Matthews also had a dad who played in the NFL, and he was also a high first-round pick, after following his brother’s All-America career at USC. If Eli could emulate these achievements, most would say he’s done all right.
Eli will never get the chance to have a Clay Matthews career of pretty damn good play and longevity. Due to the nature of the position he plays, the profile of his brother and ass of a dad, and the media market he chose to play in after being the No. 1 overall pick, anything less than the Hall Of Fame would be a failure to some. And he’s not a Hall Of Fame quarterback.
My suggestion to Eli would be to start smoking the marijuana. It is a gateway drug, and perhaps through herb he could be introduced to the hard stuff. A few arrests would help—at least one DUI, battery of a lady or pre-op tranny, maybe a Page Six photo licking Britney. He needs to bottom out, get humiliated, have America mock him.
Then, by no effort other than playing the sport he’s fairly good at, he can become a hero. The media in this country is really stupid. They love when an athlete comes from hard times (which Eli did not), but the next best thing is someone who pisses away talent and then redeems himself. Look at that Josh Hamilton kid in Cincinnati. He’s one of the most talented prospects in baseball, but he was a flipping meth head. He received an indefinite suspension for pulling a Darryl Strawberry, but now he’s back and every beat writer in baseball is proclaiming his the feel good story of the summer. Look for Charlie Sheen to play him in the movie.
If you don’t drug out, Eli, then you’re doomed to wilt in the shadow of Big Brother. Please forego the path of Johnny Drama, there’s something you can save from this thing yet. The dopes that cover and cheer for sports in this country will give anyone—ANYONE—a chance to make them happy. Christ, look at Alex Rodriguez. In two weeks he’s gone from overpaid asshole choke artist to beloved clutch slugger. Two weeks! Hit the rock, young man.
2 comments:
Gerald Wilkens had game. The number one brother as far as overall skill goes that you listed...and Mike Maddux is a better pitching coach than the Gregger. Who do you think was better, Mike or Bob Golic? Why the fuck do I have to type in that stupid word every time that I post a comment? Were they afraid that I couldn't read or type? Bunch of fucking bullshit.
Jesus, dude. You are such a baby. It's a security measure.
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