Easteriffic

Easter rules. Family drama, snowy roads, mimosas--mimosas, for Christ's sake. And something about Jesus turning into a zombie. Creepy shit. I'll take some Arbor Day anytime.

Soon enough, all of this golf nonsense will fade into the horizon...well, that's actually in no danger of happening here at HoG as long as Ol No. 7 keeps on gamblin' on that dimply little fucker. Anyway, nothing binds the rest of us, meaning all of us, meaning you, dear, dear reader, to pay attention to the shit. Instead we can talk about the NFL Draft.

But before we do, a note: Colin Cowherd is officially a complete and total douchebag.

I'll be posting on it extensively in the coming weeks. Not only because, as an NFL fan (Broncos, thanks for asking, refer to the Mastermind on your right) I have an interest in the talent coming into the league, and not only because I have a thing about making lists, but because I'm a loser with nothing else to do but drink cheap beer and use my wife's work computer to make wild speculations.

The draft-specific magazines have multiplied in recent years. Once upon a time it was all Street & Smith's, then Pro Football Weekly got in...and this year, I bought those two plus ESPN's draft mag, The Sporting News' Draft Mag and The Pro Football Weekly Draft Preview ($23.95) All of which proves nothing more than what I said a few lines earlier.

But I love the disparity within--some of 'em have Adrian Peterson ranked as their No. 1, some have Brady Quinn as their No. 1 QB, one has Paul Posluszny going in the top 10, the rest have him falling almost to the second round, etc. etc. etc. Even within the evaluations themselves they contradict themselves: Dwayne Jarrett's blurb in The Sporting News' guide: "has excellent hands and makes tough catches look easy." Then, a few lines down, "Loses focus at times and drops passes." Oh. So he either catches it or not. Gotcha.

Then there are the blatant factual errors: Utah's Eric Weddle, according to the Pro Football Weekly Draft Guide (not to be confused with the preview, which costs $23.95) made plays "against Western Athletic Conference competition." Well, yeah, probably he did when he played teams from the WAC, but most of the time he was making plays against Mountain West Conference competition. Since that's Utah's conference (as well as that of a certain other team.)

And the crazy scout talk! "Doesn't have enough sand in his pants." "Not a glass-eater." "Too easily velcroed." What? One of the Pro Football Weekly guides--whichever, they're both fucking expensive--has a jokey glossary of terms in the back, which gets even more ridiculous. "Does Not Play to his Timed Speed. I.E, Doesn't play as fast as his 40-yard dash time would suggest." Rilly? Gosh. I wouldna guessed.

But still, I buy. And I glean facts from them, like Maine strong safety Daren Stone was born in Jamaica and that Joe Newton, tight end from Oregon State, is always striving to improve. You go, Joe. Learn how to long snap.

Through it all, I keep an eye on the real-world perspective, at least as it pertains to fans of America's greatest footballing squad. Who are the Broncos gonna draft? Will they plug their obvious holes at defensive end and free safety? Will they throw us all a Dice-K fuzzy spectro illusion ball and pick a cornerback? Or three? What about Al Wilson, for god's sake?

The various guides are little help. Most of them automatically assume we were gonna draft a corner to replace Darrent (spill a lil' on the ground for our dead homies) , but publication date was, in each case, pre-Bly. The few that go D-line suggest Jamaal Anderson and Adam Carriker, neither of whom figures to be around when Denver picks.

I'll publish a Mock Draft when it's time, and not before. Simply because, much like taking a stand on Simmons, our charter requires it. So we'll join Great Blue North Draft Report and profootballtalk.com and all of the other sites that actually do some kind of research, and make our wholly inaccurate prediction. (We ain't kidding when we say that--last year's inaugural effort produced a whopping two correct picks. Not only could a blindfolded, whiskey-sodden bonobo ape end up with similar results, if one of you imaginary fans out there can find an ape, we'll make an old-fashioned bet.) Right now, we're leaning toward Anthony Spencer, a speedy edge-rusher from Purdue, which has sent its share of quality guys to the league recently (Shaun Phillips, Chike Okafor, Rosie Colvin, thanks to Pro Football Weekly for the steal of that tidbit); and no, we didn't start thinking that this morning when we read it in Bill Williamson's column. We don't have much, here--not much self-respect, not much of a future, not the greatest collection of body odors. But we aren't quite to the point where we'd steal from this guy.

Anyway. I'd say Happy Easter to all of you, but the only people reading this found themselves here accidentally looking for sucky-sucky pictures of Boy George.