This Time. I'm Losin' My Mind, This Time: Inaugural Installment

You can't lie to me. I won't believe you.

You're not special, and you can't pretend it doesn't happen. You can't sit there and tell me that, at least once a day, some garbage song doesn't, for no apparent reason, wind up planted in your dome. It happens to us all, and because I don't live inside your brain, I've begun to feel like lately, that it happens more often to me.

With that, I give you the latest feature of irregular publication: "This Time. I Losin' My Mind, This Time" wherein we'll take a quick look at the random ditties that seeped out of memory vault the previous week.

A few notes first, though: a) This is a fascinating phenomenon, and I challenge you to get all psychoanalytic on yourself and figure out how songs get into your head, and how much variation there is between songs regarding duration within your melon (and by God, if you come up with a good tactic for evacuating them, please share). b) Songs that you hear, sing, see, or say do not count. c) Not all songs that pop into your head suck, but on the whole it seems that most of them do.

5. "Subdivisions" by Rush



Rush has to have one of the strangest followings around. I mean, most hard-core Rush fans are pretty goofy dudes, are they not? You know: There's that sort of stuck-in-a-time-warp, loneristic aspect to them. I'm not judging. Hell, I think Rush kicks all the ass. You know what kicks all the all the ass, though? Geddy Lee's mullet in that video.

4. "Lightnin' Strikes" by Lou Christie

In 1980 my mom and her sister Suzi bought matching Toyota Corollas. My aunt lived with us at the time, and so these things were parked side-by-side in our driveway. There were two primary differences between the two: My aunt's was silver on the outside with a black interior, while my mom's had an orange exterior, was beige on the inside.



More importantly, my mom's had only AM radio. My mom also had this car for about eight years, which meant that for most of a decade, Oldies 71 WHB was hammered day and night into my brain. I like the oldies. Don't get me wrong. It's just that 30 years later, I don't need Lou Christie screaming between my ears at random moments of my day.

3. "So Long, Farewell" from the The Sound of Music soundtrack

I don't really have much to say about this one. It's a touch embarrassing, and I can't for the life of me figure out how it got there.



All I know is that I was washing my hair and bam! -- there it was, at like five o'clock in the morning. Really? It's not even light out and the friggin' Von Trapp family's waltzing around in my noggin. At least let a guy get a cup of coffee first. I haven't even watched that movie in like 20 years. Stupid brain.

Make no mistake, though. I'd go musical/soundtrack all day and night if it kept me safe from the likes of number two:

2. "Blue Morning, Blue Day" by Foreigner



Know what's worse than Foreigner? I'll tell you: Having been a kid who at one point actually thought Foreigner was good, a kid that actually owned some Foreigner. If you're still on the fence, let me clear it up for you: Foreginer blows. Everything about them. I'm serious. I don't care if you like to jump off the dining room table while you air guitar "Jukebox Hero" or if you think the riff from "Urgent" is cool, or if you gave up the V-card to "Waiting for a Girl Like You." This band is terrible (Editor's Note: If you want to make an exception for "Star Rider," I'll hear you out.). I hear them and I want to pierce my temples with rusty shears.

That said, Foreigner is the best band in rock history when you compare them with my last week's number one:

1. "If I Had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies



Please. I'm begging you. If you're going to click the play icon on that video, do everyone within earshot a favor first, and murder them.

Part of me was tempted to do a touch of research for each of these songs. You know, tell you what year they came out, the name of the album they were on, what kind of sales the album had, and maybe even where the song reached on the charts.

Here's what stopped me, though: It's bad enough to have a God-damned Barenaked Ladies song in your head, and it's even worse to know a few of their tracks. What's intolerable, though, is having some BNL trivia wedged in your folds for the rest of forever.

I mean, what happens if I'm drunk at a party and the opportunity arises to wax Barenaked, and I jump on it without thinking twice? That's a fall from social grace I don't think I'm equipped to handle. Plus, the thought of discussing them in public is making me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Anyway, though. Those are last week's cuts. We'll do this again next week with this week's. See how this works? Pretty easy.
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The HoG Presents: This One's For the Gold: Olympic Hockey Live Blog VI: Team Canada vs. Team USA

(software courtesy of CoverItLive)
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A Look At Your 2010 Winter Olympic Ice Hockey Semi-Finalists

Well, yesterday's Men's Hockey Quarter Finals were riveting. Things got underway with the United States Men going scoreless through two periods with Switzerland, only to have the dual-citizenshipped Zach Parise light the lamp twice in the third, sending the Swiss packing. Ryan Miller fought off Team Switzerland in another brilliant effort, and posted the first American shutout in eight years (Mike Richter last accomplished the feat in a 5-0 win over Germany in Salt Lake, 2002.)

Up next was what was supposed to be the game of the night: Russia-Canada. Only, as Mike Milbury put it, the Russians brought their Euro-Trash game, and got sent home courtesy of a 7-3 ass beating.



Late in the evening the Fins and the Czechs battled through two scoreless periods as well, and Team Finland, like Team USA earlier, scored once in the third, then sealed it with an empty-netter. Still later, Team Sweden met Team Slovakia for perhaps the most entertaining game of the day, Team Slovakia escaping with a 4-3 win.

So where does that leave us? We'll have Team USA and Team Finland square off on Friday at 2 p.m. Central, and Team Canada and Team Slovakia will go at it around 8:30. The gold-medal game will then be the early tilt on Sunday, followed by the game for the bronze that evening.

How they stack up:

Team Canada

After their loss the the United States at the end of the preliminaries on Sunday, the Canadians had two choices: Get over it and play the brand of hockey that they know, or tuck their moose tails between their legs and let the Russians push them around, ultimately sending them home. They chose the former, and insisted, via their play, that they are still the favorite to take home the gold. If they did, by the way, they'd be the first team to do so on home Olympic soil since the Americans did it at Lake Placid 30 years ago.

Before we hand Canada the gold, however, there are two things to consider: 1) They did light the Russians on fire, but that was by no stretch your mother's Team Russia. The Russians, although significantly hyped headed into the Vancouver games, are relatively old both in age and style. Beyond Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Ovechkin -- who, by the way, were completely shut down in this game -- this squad is not that deep. 2) The Canadian talent pool is a loaded weapon. You either use it as it was intended and execute it properly, or you might hurt yourself. The Canadians have the ability to put on a circus show out there that would make the Ringling Bros., the Harlem Globetrotters, and Siegfried & Roy all jealous. They really do. I wouldn't surprise me to see them jump through flaming (Editor's Note: I'm looking at you, Siegfried.) hoop while connecting on a one-timer pass dished up by a one-legged Canadian forward. Use it correctly and you could coast to gold, but tinker too much with the lines, or simply make poor choices in linemate selection, and you could find yourself in a tricky Carmelo/Iverson sort of pickle, where Mike Babcock is scratching his head wondering how it was possible that this didn't work.

Team Finland

It was a mere four years ago that the Fins sent Team USA packing in the Quarter Finals by a one-goal margin. Team Finland advanced to the gold-medal game, and lost to the Swedes by a goal. This is, more or less, the same Finnish team from Torino. The United States team, however, is almost totally revamped. The thing about the Fins is this: Despite their age, they're still quick, crafty, and they can make plays happen off the cycle. If the Americans want to exact revenge, they must not be fooled by Finland's ability to do exactly this. The other factor is this: Mikka Kiprusoff. For my money, Kiprusoff is the best goalie in Vancouver, and his 1.33 goals-against average should scare the pants off of the American forwards. He has saved nearly 95 percent of the shots he has faced, and this is no Olympic sort of whim. He's that good. Team Finland isn't going to score a ton of goals, but they could squeak a puck or two past Ryan Miller on Friday, which means the Americans had better find a way to beat Kiprusoff by at least one more.

Team Slovakia

This is the dark horse left in the competition. I'd bet nobody saw this club sneaking into the Semis, and I'll guarantee you the Swedish didn't. Having knocked off Team Sweden last night, this makes four consecutive winter olympics in which the defending gold-medalists have been eliminated. (Editor's Note: The Russians knocked out the Canadians (who won gold in '02) in 2006, and knocked out the Czechs in '02 (who won gold in '98 in Nagano, Japan), and Team Finland knocked out the Swedes (who won gold in '94 in Lillehammer, Norway) in 1998.) I read last week, a joke about Team Czech Republic playing Team Slovakia in the preliminaries, and how this was funny because they used to be the same country. What's funny is that the Czechs beat the Slovaks in that game (3-1), but the argument could be made the the Slovaks are the better team. I say that because the Czechs got pushed around by the Russians, barely beat Latvia earlier this week, then lost to the Fins yesterday. The Slovaks, however, gave up fewer goals in the preliminaries while scoring nearly as many as the Czechs did.

Now, the Slovaks barely made it past Norway, who was humiliated by the U.S. and Canada in the preliminaries, but then they show up and knock off a clearly better team in Sweden. The Slovaks, like the Fins, are a bit old, but they have some playmakers, and that's what could get overlooked by the Canadians on Friday. The Slovaks flat out make plays. The old St. Louis Blue "Slovak Pack" of Lubos Bartecko, Michal Handzus, and Pavol Demitra are in the mix, as are Marian Gaborik, Marian Hossa, and the towering Zdeno Chara. Aside from Gaborik, they're not super-quick, they're not entirely talented, but they have some kind of unbridled chemistry that enables them to click. It's quite an eccentric mix of talent, but Jaroslav Halak in net could be their Achilles'. He's their best option, and he's put up good numbers thus far and kept this team alive, but facing a point-scoring powerhouse like the Canadians could be too big a challenge for him.

Team USA

Going young was the best thing that could've happened to this club. That's a fact, and now it's time for the young stars on this team to step up and prove it. This club has come some way in terms of gelling since they first took the ice against Switzerland in the preliminaries last Tuesday, but they've been hanging on to the play of their captains and their goaltender for too long. Ryan Miller has been the story of men's ice hockey thus far in Vancouver. He's played lights out. The other reason that the team is undefeated headed into Friday is because of the play of their captains. Of the 16 goals they've scored through four games, their captains have scored nine. The play of Parise yesterday was enormous in that it a) won them the game, but more importantly b) demonstrated the results his hard-fought, gritty effort had suggested he was capable of up until that point. It's time for Patrick Kane, Paul Stastny, and Ryan Callahan to step up and make some plays or this team's great ride will come to a halt. What's more is that the play of Team USA's defense has been good, but they have not been great. They'll need to take it to that next level if they're going to skate with the likes of Finland and Canada, not to mention the sneaky Slovaks.

Oh, and Ryan Miller, amazing as he has been, will have to be flawless. It's a tall order, and this kid is capable of doing it, but talk is talk. Getting out there and playing smart hockey to, and above, the level of your ability is the only thing that puts this team atop the podium Sunday night.

Like Jeremy Roenick (J.R.) and many hockey greats have said, "It's about playing to win, not playing not to lose." In there, my friends, is the key to American gold.
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The HoG Presents: Olympic Hockey Live Blog III: Team USA vs. Team Canada, Featuring The Return of the Lone Reader

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Thursday ThumbTubes & YouNails: 11-6-08

This feature can, on occasion, be extensive. Lately, however, it's been brief, if even available at all. We're sticking with brief today. In fact, this might be the briefiest YT&TN we've ever compiled. With reason. First, there're only a few stories worth mentioning, and after the jump, they'll come in the form of 'nails. Second, it comes with great pride that we deliver one lone 'tube today, and it is perhaps the greatest, most 'tubetacular clip of all time. So climb aboard.


The Love of Sports has compiled a list of the Top 20 Canadian Athletes of All Time.



Yeah. Right. No Matt Stairs? No Stubby Clapp? Give me a flippin' break.

Big Daddy Drew's Jamboroo is up over at Deadspin. Always a great feature, always has an updated list called "Fire This Asshole,"



and this week, a) teaches you how to quietly open a can of beer, and b) it links to this, which is savory, stellar, and solid.

Finally, AI wants his fans to know that he's going to carry out his coaches demands to the best of his ability on the basketball court.



Now, if we could only summon Jim Mora.
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Baseball in the Daytime: 9-9-08

One might be the loneliest number, but it's always nicer when it comes in pairs, whatever that means. Major League standings today contain the Red Stockings of Boston one-half game behind the losers-of-four-consecutive Bay Rays. Los Anaheim is still on cruise control in the West, while the Twins and White Sox keep it interesting in the Central. In the NL, the Cubs have kept Milwaukee at a distance of four and-a-half games, the Mets have a narrow edge over Philly, and the Dodgers have managed to stake a one and-a-half game over Arizona. Details on today's lone sunny contest, after the jump.

Toronto @ Chicago, 1:05 (Central): We've got a battle of right-handed hurlers in our lone match of day baseball today, and it features Jays ace A.J. Burnett and Javier Vasquez for the Sox of white. Burnett brings his 16 victories to U.S. Cellular Feild for the firs half of a double header, while Vasquez looks to bring his record to .500, and increase the two and-a-half game lead Chicago holds over Minnesota. Both hurlers were on the verge of no-hitters halfway through their previous outings; Toronto was able to hold on for the win, and those same Jays have won eight straight, hoping for a miracle of a wildcard berth. Your DirecTV feeds can be found on 734 and 735, while XM said no thanks to carrying this one. The pitching matchup for the second contest features Jesse Litsch and Clayton Richards, and gets underway right around 7:11.

That's all she wrote for today, folks. Now get out there and cheer for the non-Canadian club, American style.
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Stay Classy, Canadia

Not much going on at the joint today, so, hey -- why not make fun of them northern neighbors of ours? Let's get right to it, after the jump.

TheStar.com reports
that Toronto Native Kris Draper (and family) really knows how to "get loose" with the Stanley Cup.

"A week after we won it, I had my newborn daughter in there and she pooped in the Cup," said Draper. "That was something. We had a pretty good laugh.

"It was, well, clean it out. I still drank out of it that night, so no worries."

Filling in as weekend correspondent for the Deadspin clan, Christmas Ape reports that fans enjoyed mocking A-Rod at a baseball game.

Of course eTrueSports has their own take on A-Rodonna.

Speaking of Madonna and potential mates of Hispanic descent, get a load of this. I guess the Orlando Sentinel online got the story here, but Kukla's Corner took it a step further, running images of Madonna and uber-Canadian Mark Messier to see what would happen...if they mated.

Speaking of hockey, Sid over at Two Minutes for Blogging took about two months for blogging (Editor's Note: I have no idea if that's true or not) in June and put together the longest post I have ever seen ever. It's called The Ken Baumgartner Chronicles, and it would appear to chronicle a lot more than the career of one mere athlete. It is massive, and it is full of more hockey fight clips than any Canadian could ever dream of.

Canadian bloggers Small Dead Animals have beat Cecil to the chase regarding an obituary for Tony Snow. They're also taking potshots at Barack Obama.

What will Canadia come up with next?
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The Quest for the Cup: HoG's Conference Finals Preview

Operation Instigate Phase Three -- commence. It's Conference Finals time, ladies and gents, and make no mistake: These two series will be brutal. It's that time of year when no man returns home unsore, bruiseless. No loss hurts more than a loss in the round before the finals, even if it is just one game. We are about to witness an incredible second half to the NHL Playoffs. In one sphere, grit, savvy, and dominant netminding will be the gauges for which team comes out on top. The other promises a dual between speed, youth, a mild blend of veteran seasoning and storied tough guys with wit and fortitude. These games will be grinders, scenarios in which the first error, and perhaps the last, will cost the contest. Let's jump ahead for a look at the two sets of foes, and how my predictions have (or haven't held up).

My 28-15 predictions record for the Quarter-Finals got me off to a good start; I improved to 42-27 with the closing of the Semis. With a possible total of 21 games left before Cup hoistage, I've really got to flog the donkey sans grace to fall below .500. That said, let's inspect the matchups.

The East









These Keystone State foes have never before grappled in a Conference Final. They have met a handful of times in the post-season, Philadelphia nabbing all but the first of those four matchups. The Pens' handling of the Rangers was more than impressive. I expected that they'd improve upon last year's playoff meltdown, but I wasn't certain they'd be able to handle dual advances. Then again, the Rangers didn't even look like the same club we saw play in the Quarters. Add to the mix that the Flyers, though they had a long first round, wasted little time caressing the Canadiens with their brotherly love. Montreal and Pittsburgh play a similar brand of hockey, and if the Flyers stick to their game, they should be able to dominate Pittsburgh. Should they try to get wise and re-invent the hard rubber disc, there'll be trouble. My guess is that the brutish experience of the club formerly known as the Broadstreet Bullies clamps down on Crosby and company, and pulls the upset. I'm not pulling any punches, though: It'll take seven games to melt the Igloo.

The West










As I mentioned here, I couldn't possibly be less stoked about this series. The Sharks were my last hope to root for the West, and by golly, they almost got their digs with Dallas squared around. They went down 3-0, then won two, the second of which had an overtime thriller. Game Six, of course, took almost four full overtimes to win, and when Stars captain Brendan Morrow re-directed a cross-crease pass in front of Evgeni Nabokov, it was a thing of beauty. I hated every ounce of that frozen chunk of time, but it looked pretty nice happening. Nevertheless, these two D's -- Douches and Dildos, for all I care -- will square off, the hockeytown clowns getting the home-ice edge, as usual, in what will likely be an epic series. And I'll hate it.

Yes. I'll watch it, but for all intents and purposes, it might as well be the Broncos and the Raiders playing for the AFC Championship. What does a Chiefs fan do in that scenario? I don't know, but it probably sounds a bit like, "Go, N-F-C team! Go, N-F-C team!" Totally lame. It works out alright, though, since I happen to like the Flyers and the Penguins both. My boy Bunky in D-town hopes for a Flyer sweep, while The Lone Reader's likely got his Penguins broom out in hopes of dusting off Philly in time to get some Cup Finals rest.

Me? I say the Flyers' Finals foe is the Wings. Has to be. The Stars looked like they'd knock the Sharks off early, but they let them back in. Way back in. Detroit won't let a club off the hook for mistakes like that. Mike Babcock's club in six.
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Some'n New Everyday

As I've mentioned before, Versus has improved immeasurably with regard to their coverage of the National Hockey League. For each broadcast, they've been plugging some excellent historical moments in hockey. During the second intermission of tonight's Montreal Canadiens/Philadelphia Flyers game, the moment centered on the 1982 playoffs, the Vancouver Canucks, and Roger Neilson's inadvertent birthing of what has become known as towel waving at professional sporting events. Highlights from this page of the Canucks Web site, after the jump. And in case reader interest in this tidbit has waned already, allow me to just say, "Hey, Pittsburgh -- y'all didn't invent squat!"

The guys had no idea what fury Roger Nielson had unleashed a night earlier in the old Chicago Staduim...Towel Power had struck, and struck hard...

...It all began late in the 1981-82 season. The Canucks were playing the Nordiques in the old Colisee...

...There was no glass separating the players bench from the stands back then, and when a heckling fan started in on head coach Harry Neale, a scuffle broke out. The Canucks bench quickly got involved and a melee erupted. Vancouver tied that game 3-3, but lost their coach and defenseman Doug Halward who were both suspended for the final six games of the season. The enigmatic Roger Neilson, an assistant at the time, stepped in and took the reigns. The Canucks went undefeated to finish the year and captured second place in the Smythe Division. Sensing that the brawl in Quebec had galvanized the team and that something magical was happening, Neale approached GM Jake Milford and urged him to let Neilson continue behind the bench in the playoffs...

...The Canucks couldn’t say out of the penalty box in that game and had fallen behind early. They were neck deep in penalties and trailing when it happened...

...“Bob Myers was the referee and he had given us four straight penalties,” said (Norm) Jewison. “And then when he signaled next one - before the announcement was made - Roger reached back and grabbed a spare stick and hoisted it up with a towel hanging off it.”

One, then two, then three players, all joined Neilson in the impromptu protest. Towel Power was born. The league fined Neilson $1,000 for the flag-raising, but just as the brawl in Quebec had brought the team together, so did The Towel...

...Butts (Giraud) sold 800 through his shirt stores, and the rest out front of the Coliseum as more than 1,500 people lined up for tickets to see game three. Butts pledged to donate the bulk of his profits to a local orphan’s charity, and in return, had the towel concept promoted on the local radio station. In the midst of a white terry towel storm, the Canucks won game three by a score of 4-3. By the time game four rolled around, there were more than 15,000 towels in the stands and the city was awash in white lint...

...Butts was so confident the Canucks would win, he ordered $8,000 worth of Stanley Cup finals pennants two days before Vancouver traveled to Chicago for game five...

...Towel Power was raging so strong that B.C.’s Ministry of Tourism attempted to get in the Guinness Book of World Records by producing the world’s longest towel, and had the entire B.C. Legislature sign it. The Canucks won game five in Chicago and advanced to the Stanley Cup Finals, propelled by their quirky coach and a wave of towels that could soak up the Fraser. By the time Vancouver finally bowed out to the powerhouse New York Islanders in the finals, the city was covered in towels. Giraud sold 30,000 in total and raised $23,000 for charity. Exactly 25 years later, Towel Power is still one of the most recognizable playoff traditions in sport, and a symbol of Canucks pride everywhere.

Pretty cool story, especially considering everything that Neilson contributed to the game of hockey, let alone this ravenous behavior that's found everywhere in sporting arenas today. It's also cool because Norm Jewison and Butts Giraud should be nominated for Name of the Year candidacy if they haven't been already.


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Conversations on the Corner: The AL Central

Welcome, one. Welcome, all, to our fifth installment of "Conversations on the Corner." Our editing team was interested in just how well Major League Baseball's first basemen know one another, and -- when they're on base -- if they're talkin' shop, or about the next day off's round of golf. Earlier in the series, we visited with the Cubs' Derek Lee and the Rockies' Todd Helton regarding the National League East here. The Padres' Adrian Gonzalez spoke with us about the NL West here. Cardinals' first baseman Albert Pujols broke down the NL Central here, and most recently, Seattle Mariners' glover Richie Sexson put the American League West under the lens here. Today, with the help of Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau, we dig into the first-base side of the AL Central. Our discussion with him, after the jump.

Bankmeister: Mr. Morneau -- with the major league schedule in full effect, we're grateful that you would take time out of a now seldom-seen day off to chat with us. Thanks so much.
Justin Morneau: (nods)Not a problem. Thanks for having me.
B: First off, I gotta ask: What's with the towel? You thinking of auditioning for the role of Emporer in the new Star Wars television series?
JM: There's going to be a Star Wars TV series?
B: Yes. It's going to feature all MLB players. So far, they've cast Bartolo Colon as Jabba the Hut and Milton Bradley as Bubba Fett. Word is that David Ortiz is in the running to win the role as Chewbacca, while Derek Jeter is slated to play Princess Leia.
JM: For real?
B: Yes. You should have your agent look in to it. If the towel doesn't work out for you, maybe you can get in as C-3P0.
JM: Wow. That's awesome. Who's playing Darth Vader?
B: David Stern.
JM: Weird.
B: I know. Anyway, you've made quite a name for yourself in the AL Central as of late: AL MVP two years ago, and All-Star appearance, some post-season action. You think your success will continue into this season?
JM: I certainly hope so. Most importantly, I'd like to contribute to the success of my team. Our division looks tougher than ever this year, and we've got to notch some more wins.
B: True indeed. The Central should be a dog fight. Let's break down your counterparts, starting with Carlos Guillen of the Detroit Tigers.
JM: Well, there're a lot of expectations for that club this year. They've got that stacked payroll, and a lot of big sticks in their lineup. Hopefully Carlos won't feel too much pressure in terms of staying competitive with his teammates.
B: Right, but you don't want him to be too good. At least not when he visits the Twin Cities.
JM: (laughs) Nor when we visit the Motor City.
B: Let's talk about that cursed last name: Guillen.
JM: What do you mean?
BM: Well, Justin -- I think it's pretty obvious, and even weirder now that the three main Guillens are all in the same division. Carlos had his drinking-and-driving episode a few years back when he was with Seattle. Jose, now with Kansas City, has that "locker room cancer" label attached to him, and obviously, there was his ordeal with Mike Scioscia a couple years ago. And of course, there's Cuckoo-for-Cocoa Puffs Ozzie over in Chicago.
JM: Um...I'm not even touching that one.
B: Fair enough. The Cleveland Indians. Ryan Garko. Go.
JM: Well...aren't you going to ask me a question about him?
B: Of course. What do you suppose the weekly over/under is on Donnie Darko references for him?
JM: Huh?
B: Nevermind. Since we were talking about being cursed, how do you suppose a guy must feel being a native of the home of pedophiles/pierogies, and employed in a city that Jesus obviously doesn't love?
JM: Banky, that makes zero sense to me, whatsoever.
B: That's okay. We won't hold it against you.
JM: Hold what against me?
B: Let's just say it's not your fault that you're completely unfamiliar with the world of slightly unprofessional sports blogging.
JM: And this has what to do with first basemen?
B: Everything. But anyway, the Tribe is struggling. Last year's AL Cy Young winner can't seem to pitch his way out of a torn teepee, and their power hitters are, uh, not looking all that powerful thus far.
JM: Well, they've got some guys who are hitting for power.
B: But not much. The most consistency they're getting is coming from their catcher.
JM: Hey -- it's a long season. It's early. They'll pull it together, you know?
B: Yes, Justin. I know. How about you guys? Obviously, you're not doing bad with 10 runs batted in and five long balls already.
JM: I could be much better. We as a team could be much better. And we'll get there.
B: How's Boof doing?
JM: Boof? He's great. One of the strongest starts I've seen from him.
B: You ever consider legally changing your name to something that slangly implies copulation?
JM: Uh, no.
B: Very good. As of today, you guys are tied with the Kansas City Royals for second place in the division. That surprise you?
JM: To be honest, not really. Obviously, we see them a lot, and they played some really good ball in the middle-to-late part of last season. They should continue to play decent baseball, especially if they keep getting good starts out of their pitchers.
B: How about the bats on that team?
JM: They've improved. For sure. Their coaching staff needs to keep doing whatever they're doing and they'll stay competitive.
B: How textbook. What about this kid Billy Butler?
JM: Billy's got an incredible swing. I haven't really gotten to know him much, but he seems to have a lot of promising attributes in him.
B: Royals' manager Trey Hillman has, on occasion, been starting Butler at first as of late, but the skipper has repeatedly stated how much of a Ross Gload fan he is. Is that troubling for a manager?
JM: No. Not at all. You want to have more than one guy competitive at each position. Ross is a leader, he swings a consistent bat, and he'll only be challenged all the more with a guy like Billy waiting to take his job.
B: What if Hillman morphed the two?
JM: What do you mean?
B: I mean, what if he went all Dr. Frankenstein, and say, made a Boss Gutler, or a Rilly Bload?
JM: (chuckles) That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
B: It could happen, Justin. We'll save that for some other time, though. In first, and perhaps surprising everyone, are Ozzie's White Sox. Talk about Paul Konerko.
JM: Obviously, Paul's a veteran. He's a guy that the younger guys on the club look up to. He's got a championship under his belt, and when he gets hot, you've got to play him deep.
B: You've got to what?
JM: Play him deep. You know, expect the long ball out of the guy.
B: I'm confused. It sounds like you're trying to hit on him via this interview.
JM: (laughs again) No, dude. Homeruns. Power hitting.
B: Right. Justin -- how's being Canadian working out for you?
JM: I don't even know what that means.
B: Well, it's kind of a given that Canadians are, um not very well liked here in the states.
JM: This is the first I've heard of that.
B: Sure it is. You're a pretty Web savvy guy, right?
JM: Web savvy?
B: Yeah. You've got your Web page, your MySpace page, your Facebook site, etc.
JM: Yeah. I guess so.
B: So you spend all of this time in the Internet, and you've never felt threatened as a Canadian?
JM: Not once.
B: Interesting. Well, take it from me. It's out there. The hate, that is.
JM: Weird. I thought Canada was considered pretty benign.
B: Let's just say, I'd keep that little tidbit under wraps when you go to audition for the Star Wars show.
JM: Thanks for the advice.
B: Thank you, and good luck this season.

Check back tomorrow, as our AL East installment concludes the series. It should be stellar, as said division includes under-hyped teams like Boston and New York.

Update: I promise, with every ounce of journalistic integrity in me, I had no idea my colleague would be simultaneously bashing our northern neighbors. Swear.
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Only the Finest Hockey Coverage, Here on the HoG

And my teammates call me the knuckle-pucker. Ouch. Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 7-25-07

Today's slate of action gives us three games. So turn off the phone, put your feet up, and absorb a little Baseball In The Daytime.

Our leadoff contest is Minnesota at Toronto, at 10:37 in the a.m. Mountain. Why they start Canadian baseball games at 10:37 as opposed to 10:30 or 10:35 I'll never know, but my anti-Canuck stance is well-known. Carlos Silva takes up the American flag today against the great Northern menace known as the Blue Jays and Jesse Litsch. I care not that Silva is from Venezuela while Litsch hails from Florida, this one's for the pride and honor of the Continent of North America. In the lower 48, and for a fee, you listen to this game on XM 181 (no TV info available). If you want to tune in and you live in Canada, figure it out hoser.

At 1:05, from Coors Field in Denver, the Rockies attempt take the rubber game of their series with the Padres on XM 188. Last night's San Diego win pulled them to within one of the NL West lead, while the home team is treading water, five and a half behind the Dodgers. Your pitching docket is hotshot rookie Justin Germano against young vet Aaron Cook. My father-in-law will be in attendance, so if you see a silver-haired gentleman with a few Newcastles in him sitting two rows behind the Rockies dugout, tell him you dig on the HoG.

Finally, at 1:35 on XM 178 and DTV 734, the Oakland Athletics visit the Angels of Los Anaheim. The A's are hopelessly fucked this season, but the Angels are clinging desperately to a slim 2 1/2-game edge over those nutty Mariners in the AL West. Not a bad pitching matchup, as fat Joe Blanton takes on slightly slimmer yet slack-jawed John Lackey. There will be women in attendance, and they will be smoking hot, and they will be wearing red tank tops. You gotta love baseball, in the daytime, in sunny Southern California. Cheers! Read more

Cuatro Capitanes Grace NHL's Hall

Bruisers, character, class and fortitude are four choice words one might, as of Thursday, choose to describe the newest additions to the National Hockey League's Hall of Fame in Toronto. This year's class of captains hoisted a combined 12 Stanley Cups while tallying 5667 career points.

There are countless other staggering statistics to mention about this foursome; suffice it to say that the league has seldom seen a class of this caliber elected, each in his first year of eligibility.

Mark Messier, the New York Ranger icon, skated with some talent in his days. He also helped New York end a 50-year drought by bringing home Lord Stanley's trophy. His career point tally of 1887 falls shy of one other player, that wily cat on his left of this SI cover. Mess' notched 16 All-Star game appearances, finished seventh all time in goals (694) and third all time in assists (1193).

An inspection of the cup reveals his name a stellar six times.

The other three figures were also icons to the franchises for whom they played. Scott Stevens, drafted by the Washington Capitals, in the early 80s, was shipped to the St. Louis Blues for one brief season prior to being traded to the New Jersey Devils. It was there that he captained his club to three Stanley Cup titles.

Al McInnis hoisted the goods in '89 with the Calgary Flames before becoming a St. Louis Blue, a team he would captain until the end of his career.

Ron Francis was the icon of the Hartford Whalers, and even stayed with the club when they re-located to Carolina. His brief stopover with the Pittsburgh Penguins didn't hurt that team as they won consecutive championships.

This crew of captains is truly the epitome of leadership.



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The Quest for the Cup: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim

To All the Hockey Naysayers: If you didn't even flip on the contest once think last night's game/championship celebration/post-game coverage was anything shy of phenomenal, feel free to go play in California traffic make yourself a knockwurst sandwich.

'Cause it kicked lots of Canadian ass. Let me break down just how.

The coverage: Prior to the first drop of the puck, I told Old #7 (who was feigning a mild case of enthusiasm over watching) to monitor the giant case of suck Brett Hull acquired when he made the transition from player to former player in da' boof.

To my surprise, he didn't do half bad. Jesus, he's full of himself, though. Someone must've told him that, in between Bill Clement and Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro, he might want to not sound like a complete moron. Ferraro, by the way, has gradually shed concussion symptoms in the three years since his retirement.

I believe he's eclipsed the Steve Young bar, something the former 49ers quarterback has yet to accomplish. Man, he (Ferraro) knows his stuff, though.

The contest: All three periods yielded sheer Anaheim domination. They stormed the ice with an fierce determination and manhandled Ottawa in the first. To the Senators credit, they re-grouped and put together a decent second, albeit defenseman Chris Phillips goal in his own net didn't do the Canadian squad many favors. That said, he was pressured behind his own netminder, and, when forced to hustle, his stick got caught up in goalie Ray Emery's skate.

Nevertheless, the tally was the game-winning goal.

The third period showed few signs of a Senator surge. Daniel Alfredsson was the exception. His loose puck scoop/incredible short-handed tally under pressure should've given Ottawa some juice. Anaheim, however, wasn't having it. Less than a minute later, and still on the power play, Anaheim answered.

The proverbial nail in the coffin came via the Ducks' captain/now four-time cup winner Scott Niedermayer. He careened a puck and rifled it on net, a goal Travis Moen got credit for. It was pretty sweet to see Niedermayer, who was the only previous cup-winner, get to hoist it first, then pass it off to his brother Rob. That was not the feel-good story, though.

The feel-good story: Teemu Selanne. Period. This has consistently been, sleepy as it may be to everyone else, my favorite thing about post-season hockey over the course of the last six years. It all started of course with Operation 16W, which, you may recall, involved getting this guy a much-deserved chance at the hardware. Dominik Hasek got his the following year with Detroit, and I'm sure there was someone important on the 2003 New Jersey squad that won it for the first time.

Back to teams and players that matter, though. Dave Andreychuk got his in '04 with the Lightning, Rod Brind'amour, his with the Hurricanes last year, and Selanne was this year's recipient. Fourteen years ago, Selanne was drafted by the Winnipeg Jets, became a Duck, logged some time with the San Jose Sharks, was acquired by the Colorado Avalanche, and finally returned to Anaheim where his original jersey number (eight) will be retired.

Insert the proverbial post-season interrogation regarding whether or not this was his last year. He, naturally, couldn't say. I don't think it will be. Either way, it was damn awesome to see that man hoist the cup.

The Conn Smythe: I'm stoked that Neidermayer got it. Really I am. But, like the tendencies in other sports for such awards, I think it's bullshit how often a member of the winning team gets handed some trophy just because they're on the winning team. I would've given it to Alfredsson, the Sens captain. In my estimation, no player from any team contributed more to his squad's success. That's how the stuff should be determined, but HoG readership stopped paying attention 17 paragraphs ago.

The Post-Game Celebration: I hope someone was fired last year when they cut away from coverage like three minutes into it. This year's was 1000 times better. So, good job, you we're-not-covering-'til-January-and-even-then-it'll-only-be-like-once-a-week confounded network.

The Hatred: This is not for you clowns that diss hockey. This is for those that follow it. Or anyone in between that has an idea. Why is NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman so despised? Seems to me that any professional sports commissioning job would be very under-appreciated. I don't get it. This Web site is just a grain of sand in the beach of Bettman hatred out there. Someone please fill me in.

That's it for HoG hockey coverage for some time, I guess. I know. Boo hoo, right? Whatever.

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Check Out My Wrist Shizzle, For Rizzle

Okay. It was a strange way to break out of a scoring slump, but Sens captain Daniel Alfredsson did just that.

Last night, in game three of the Stanley Cup Finals, Ottawa overcame a 3-2 deficit to win 5-3. The victory nudged the goose egg from their win column in the series and saved them from the inescapable dregs of being down three games to none in the series.

I know. The rest of the world, along with you, dear readers, was gently jerking it to this guy. But his fans in attendance were hardly as cool.

This clip has been around for a short while now, but the fact that Snoop Dogg and his kids (not to mention their $800,000 in jewelry) continue to support the Anaheim Ducks makes it worth posting. Again.

I'm ultra-stoked at what a character like Snoop can do for the suffering sport of hockey. DA -- if you're reading this, I don't care what the numbers say. Racing will never become sport number four and shove hockey to five. We all know you can make what you will out of statistics. It ain't happenin' here, bro. Not with the Top Dogg in the house. Betta' ax somebody.






I love how Bill McDonald almost has a coronary the first time Snoop calls the Ducks mighty, but then puts on his oh-fuck-it hat for the second instance. Must be dat chronic. Read more