Your Mother's A Drunken Astronaut

This day in sport...

Vick was suspended by Nike. It took this long?

I believe in due process and the rule of law. Innocent until proven guilty. Right now, Vick's not guilty of anything. But there's no question in my mind that he did it.

And the fact that he did makes him a spectacularly bad person.



I admit that my prejudgment is colored by emotion. I think that those who abuse animals are less than human. But look at the facts as we know 'em--why would the feds get involved unless there was some multi-state felony action going on? They've obviously got a strong case, and a timeline showing how Vick and his boys built the Bad Newz Kennels. There was also a mention of further superseding indictments, which are supposedly (I thank the legal beagle Munson on the Leader) almost always extra charges, rather than vice versa.

Whatever the end result, Vick is a glowing chunk of Plutonium to the corporate world right now. His sponsors, with their fingers eternally to the wind, know that people like dogs more than they like Mike.

So g'bye, Nike. See you never, Reebok (who stopped making Vick jerseys).

And it couldn't have happened soon enough. Fuck this bloodthirsty moron. Instead of prison, they should let rabid hyenas gnaw his face off.

And this just in as I write: one of his boys is gonna cop a plea. Say goodnight, Gracie.

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Nobody Likes Me

Sports fans, these are tough times. The landscape of jockhood is littered with stories about assholes, pricks and outright salad-tossers. Read any sports page or catch any talk radio broadcast in America today, and you get nothing but whining bullshit by and about some of the most unlikeable athletes imaginable.

The Rapist wants out of L.A. Actually, no he does not. Which is it? Paper or plastic? I'm the wrong guy to ask, as I follow not the NBA, but Kobe is a great player, not a great guy. Yes, that's an earthshattering revelation.

Ron Mexico is inching ever closer to a criminal indictment, and in the big house he can wager on fights between blind inmates. If you're a Falcons fan this is a big deal. For those of us who don't fondle our first cousins, Mex was on the precipice of marginal status anyway.

San Francisco Outfielder (longtime fantasy baseball owners will get that one) is closing in on Hammerin' Henry. Bud Selig may attend, Barry may donate some paraphernalia to Cooperstown, and everyone wishes we could just get this sad episode behind us.

Our old friend A-Rod is bush-league, and he may or may not have a piece or two on the side. This is only relevant because of his status as the game's most talented player, and has nothing to do with the fact that his team is pathetic. In other Yankee news, I actually heard the ESPN crew last night discuss the possibility of Cashman not activating Rocket and saving the cash, since he's signed to a minor-league contract. Stunning.

Elsewhere in the AL East, the wife of Tampa slugger Elijah Dukes would like a divorce. That's a smart broad.

And Iron Mike is back in the fight game, but his criminal past is infringing upon his plans. I happen to think that Mike would be a great cornerman. He's always been such a rational practitioner of the sweet science, and his decision-making is top-notch.

One of the problems associated with being the most talented and respected writer (Editor's Note: This is not true.) at the best sports blog in the whole fucking world (Ed: Also a blatant lie.) is that our millions of reader(s) expect me to react to this shit. It's not fun. I'd rather write about the good guys, like Yook and his 22-game hit streak. But the big news is the big news, and it makes me want to cover Wall Street today. Hopefully this weekend will bring about some warm and fuzzy sports news, and perhaps a Cecil sighting to boot.

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Where My Dawgs At?

In a story that simply will not go away, our old pal Clinton Portis has Mike Vick's back, saying that the whole dog-fighting scandal is no big deal and what happens on private property is nobody's business.

Look, I'm not someone who's big on judging morals and casting stones. I like sports, but I realize that most of these guys cheat on their wives, do drugs, and are no-good pricks. But there is obviously a subculture out there that is really, really into fighting dogs, which is a complete mystery to me.

Sure, I get the concept. It's competition, and there bloody violence, and gambling. I love all of those things. I'm not a member of PETA, and I have no problem with horse racing. Even bullfights and cockfights, I'm not losing much sleep over those. If you own an impressive cock, and you want to pit that cock against others for money, so be it. Not my thing, but to each his own. And at the end of the day the worst thing we have is a couple of dead chickens, which we eat in this country.

But jeez, dogs? Why does it have to be dogs? I thought that was something that had just gone away, like smallpox. I love dogs. They've got personality, and personality goes a long way. I guess I feel that even in the dirtiest fighting pit bull resides a goofy puppy that wants to frolic in fields of dandelions, not shred jugular veins. But again, I just don't get it.

There's a trend among rich men to want to own shit, and to pit the shit you own against the shit others own to see who's boss. Poor guys do this to, but it's called fantasy football. Some guys buy minor league baseball teams or race cars, but you don't really own the folks that are competing...I guess Abe Lincoln was not a rotisserie geek. You can own a horse, but the sport of kings is pretty bourgeosie. So, for guys like Vick and Portis, you own fighting dogs. In some way it makes sense, but it's still fucked up.

Does this change the way I feel about Portis? Not really. I don't see him as a bad guy, just a punk. He's really funny, and he loves the bitches, and he can be a great running back. When he's on your team you love him, and when he's not you think he's just a loudmouth.

By the way, no scheduled day baseball today, but two teams you might have heard of face off tonight.

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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-18-07

It's nice to see that the weekday baseball feature is not yet jinxed.

Today, today is Friday. Typically the greedy big-league clubs try and milk every nickel out Friday revenue by playing the game at night. But on the North Side of Chicago, one last vestige of old time baseball remains. When the Cubs installed lights nearly 20 years ago (and tell me that doesn't make you feel old) they were not permitted to play unlimited night games. To find out what the cap is would take actual reasearch, and fuck that. Alls I know is that when the Cubs host a weekend series, they play the Friday game under God's own illumination.

This brings up a quick question: what day of the week was Ferris Bueller's day off? The movie predates the actual lights at Wrigley. Would you go through all that trouble to ditch, would you end up going back to school the next day? It has to be a Friday, right?

Anyway, 2007's first interleague game happens at 12:20 mountain, I assume on WGN (and XM 186, Pat Hughes and Ron Santo on the mic, yo). A couple of lefties take the bump, one overpaid (Ted Lilly) and one soon to be (Mark Buehrle, in the last year of his contract. Should be fun. Sa-wing, batter.

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Floyd Reese's Pieces

Ex-Titans GM Floyd Reese referred to Marcus Thomas--the Broncos' 4th Round pick this year--as possibly being "the biggest character risk in the draft" on ESPN.com.

That's awesome. Especially coming from the guy who helped select Pacman Jones and Albert Haynesworth. Let's see, off the top of my head: Tank Tyler, picked up by those do-gooders in KC who never, ever let any miscreants on their team, assaulted a police officer and spit on an official. Another guy whose name escapes me was busted for armed robbery. Brandon Meriweather shot at a dude ("but he had a license for the gun!" screams Sean Salisbury and every 'Gansett-sotted Patriots fan). Thomas?

He smoked dope, and got busted for it. Dumb. At least the "getting busted" part. And then he made the mistake of attending a carnival outside of Gainesville with his teammates, thereby violating the terms of his post-bust agreement with the team. Noted wanna-be tough guy Urban Meyer saw this as the perfect moment to flex his Big Swingin' Authority--and it's hard to argue with the results, but still. It's not like he stabbed anyone.

In any case, maybe this is why Reese is "writing" for the WWL. Read more

God Bless Ted Nugent

Jesus, I love this country.

Not in the “Love It Or Leave It” nationalistic madman sense, but I really have a deep appreciation for how awesome America is. Sure, our leadership is a mess, and we don’t care about anything of substance, and we have a million problems.

But you can turn on just about any shower faucet in this country and hot water comes out. You can turn on most any TV and find out if your baseball team won a game, and what laws Ron Mexico is currently in violation of (hell, I was in Mexico and I had no idea until Cecil gave me the heads-up). And we have vast quantities of readily available, affordable food that will give you a solid bowel movement the next morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some travel, expecially the international jet-setting my lofty financial setting affords me. But when it comes to the business of being a sports fan (and pooping), I’ll take the good old U.S. of A.

This gives me the opportunity to also say Fuck Canada. My virulent bias against that nation knows no bounds, and I’ve held back long enough. Canada, I hate you and all you stand for. Even if my stupid government lacks the balls to engage in the easily winnable war to overtake your vast resources, I am launching verbal salvos via the House of Georges’ weapons of ass destruction. No longer will your ham/bacon and God-awful music go unpunished.

Enjoy your draft coverage—I’ll remain on the sidelines and leave it to the experts.

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Ma Cudrapht

That right there, folks, is the single stupidest blog title the world has known. Unlike my inaugural effort in 2006, which I shared only with the captive audience in our fantasy baseball league(s)--I'm currently winning the '07 Ted, by the by--I'm gonna try and keep this short.

However, there exists a not-really-that-small possibility that during tomorrow's opening rounds I'll blog live during each pick. Meantime our Administrator will be winding that slipknot, ala Woody Guthrie's hangman, having completely ODed on uninformed draft blather before the fucking thing has even started. To the mockery!

(Ed. Note: The following bare-bones mock does not take into account trades or anything else, even though trades will most likely occur, possibly even with this narrator's beloved franchise trading into the top 10 to get a crack at a guy like this...or possibly this.)

1. Oakland -- JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
Greg Maddux says chicks dig the long ball, and , uh, we at HoG wouldn't have any idea whether they do or not, honestly. But Al Davis sure does.

2. Detroit -- Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
How can Millen not take this guy? Even if he had picked Marcus Nash in each of the last 10 drafts, he has to take Johnson. Has to...at least for trade bait.

3. Cleveland -- Joe Thomas, LT, Wisconsin
These guys don't just need a QB, they need to keep one healthy.

4. Tampa Bay -- Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Since they couldn't get their boy from the Ramblin' Wreck, a man who was once one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in America takes some help for a rapidly aging D.

5. Arizona -- Levi Brown, LT, Penn State
The team that perpetually needs O-line help takes the best available.

6. Washington -- Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
Why wouldn't Snyder take the highest-profile player on the board? Even with Portis?

7. Minnesota -- LaRon Landry, S, LSU
A guy who says he "plays like a wild bull" goes to a team with a good D that still needs help in that backfield.

8. Atlanta -- Amobi Okoye, DE, Louisville
This team pisses me off for no other reason...OK, a couple of big ones...than taking this kid, who could play 15 years...since he's only 19. Oh, and did we mention their QB is a real upstanding guy who does not deserve to go to jail?

9. Miami -- Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
They need to groom somebody, because getting this guy, last seen walking across a busy street in his underwear, muttering, isn't going to be a solution, and this guy is going to be cut.

10. Houston -- Leon Hall, CB, Michigan
Aside from Dunta "Pronounced Dun-Tay" Robinson, they have no one at CB.

11. San Francisco -- Patrick Willis, LB, Mississippi
Even though this dude will probably be a good pro, had any of us heard his name before 6 months ago?

12. Buffalo -- Marshawn Lynch, RB, California
The first reach from a team known for them. Ladies of Buffalo, if you date this man, beware.

13. St. Louis -- Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska
With the exception of Will Shields, Neil Smith and Tom Rathman, name me a good pro Cornhusker. And not this guy either.

14. Carolina -- Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
The Cats stop the big man's fall, which if it happened would cause something on the order of a 5.6 quake.

15. Pittsburgh -- Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt
Too high for this guy, but he played next door.

16. Green Bay -- Ted Ginn Jr.
Instant return offense for a team that needs help scoring... and we don't mean with Green Bay's notoriously easy female population.

17. Jacksonville -- Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas
Again, the Jags pick up a D-line stud. Too bad he can't play QB.

18. Cincinnati -- Lawrence Timmons, LB, Florida State
These guys haven't had good LB play in years, and as a bonus, this guy is currently not being prosecuted.

19. Tennessee -- Robert Meachem, WR, Tennesee
He played next door, he's underrated and Young needs someone-anyone--to throw the ball to.

20. New York Giants -- Aaron Ross, CB, Texas
Even if he shows up at camp as--surprise!--a quadraplegic, he'll still be better than what the Gints have now.

21. Denver -- Jon Beason, LB, Miami
A worthy successor to our dearly departed former leader. And yes, I know we signed two LBs yesterday...this guy will be better than both.

22. Dallas -- Reggie Nelson, S, Florida
With Roy Williams unable to cover anything faster than Moss--Spanish, not Santana--Jerry's kids take the best safety remaining.

23. Kansas City -- Joe Staley, OL, Central Michigan
What doesn't this team need? They start by rebuilding a former strength with this converted tight end.

24. New England -- Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State
They need a 'backer, he's a good fit. Peter King will write 5,000 words next Monday on why this was the single greatest draft pick ever by anyone.

25. New York Jets -- Michael Griffin, S, Texas
Great special teamer and tackler fits this D perfectly.

26. Philadelphia -- Ben Grubbs, G, Auburn
Andy Reid loves drafting linemen, they say, and it should be said, appears to have devoured one himself.

27. New Orleans -- Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami
He'll get a chance to open fire on opposing runners in this completely safe city.

28. New England -- Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State
Not only is Belichick a pal of Pat Hill, but the Pats have enough depth to take a chance on this kid.

29. Baltimore -- Ryan Kalil, C, USC
The chalk pick, right. Go eff yourself.

30. San Diego -- Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina
See the Pats' last pick. The loaded Bolts can afford to groom a potentially good starter.

31. Chicago -- Kevin Kolb, QB, Houston
Sexy Rexy is the handsomest man alive, but his days at the helm in BigShouldersville are numbered.

32. Indianapolis -- Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue
Might continue the Boilermakers' recent tradition of sending quality ends to the league. In any case, gets the played nearby homer vote, which means a lot to these people.

Talk to you kids tomorrow, bright and early... Read more