Thursday, January 31, 2008

We Are (still, as a matter of fact) Hot Chicks Wednesday: Don't Call It A Comeback

Hello, HoGnation, and welcome to another fine installment of WAHCW. We know, we know. It's Thursday and well, we've, we're not exactly sure where we've been. That is, we kind of do: Cecil has officially fallen off the face of the planet, likely inebriated in a Denver bar talking to a random man about how the Broncos' season could've gone better. Old No. 7 has devoted every spare second he has to getting this clown

elected to the U.S. presidency. And Bankmeister? Frankly, I've no excuse for myself beyond sheer laziness. That said, however, we're back. We're just in time to squeeze in a January post, and just as soon as it stops being so damn frickin' freezing, we plan on being back with a vengeance. In the meantime, we ask that our blessed readership bare with us while we officially kiss 2008 hello. Again. Check out our grand scheme with one swift click...

As we've mentioned, it's witch's tit cold. We're trying not to think about it. In fact, we're looking ahead to warmer days where football drafts happen and baseball season kicks in and Stanley Cup playoffs are around the corner. Here's how we're managing such a difficult task.

I know. Not even a single caption, right? Just a slice of evidence on how lazy us HoGsters have become. But hey...

...don't tell. It's how we've always rolled. Honest.

(All photos courtesy of those magicians over yonder at Gorilla Mask.)
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Open Letter to the Lord Our Savior

Dear God:

Please. I beg of you: make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from this place. If these are our Offensive Coordinator candidates,

I don't think I could go on living life as a human/football fan.

Why, O father of Christ, you might wonder, would I wish for something so permanent? Well, after the jump, I will tell you precisely why the re-definition of "pain" and of "suffering" would be brutally unleashed upon the middle west if the Kansas City Chiefs were to ink a deal with any of these men.

You see, the truth of the matter is that none of these esteemed gentlemen suck any less than the rest. Nor do they suck more. But ultimately, they just plain suck.

No, wait -- please here me out. I don't want Paul Hackett or even Mike Shula (that would just be too much good ol' boy to handle). I want someone new. Someone fresh. And someone good. Is that too much to ask?

I really don't think it is. If I'm wrong, however, I'd like to be an albatross. Thanks for listening.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Oh. Okay. Well, That Makes Things Much Better.

Yeah. I don't know about you folks, but after a nice, long, grueling 4-12 campaign, nothing soothes the aching wounds like firing all of your offensive coaches and signing a kicker you've brought in for at least three workouts (but never signed). Mm-hmm. That's what I call progress, Chiefs fans.

Now, don't go callin' it official, 'cause it ain't. Let's just say an inside source has clued the HoG into the notion that the Chiefs have signed former Cowboy/Packer/Buccaneer/Saint/Falcon place kicker Billy Cundiff.

Whew. Now, that's a resume, boys and girls. I can smell the playoffs already. Don't worry, though. If things don't pan out...

...we can always look forward to a stellar late-June excursion to Des Moines. Good times, I tell ya'. Good. Times.

Wonder what'll be next. Shall we bring in Keyshawn? Joey Galloway? Maybe even Ron Dayne?
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Thursday, January 3, 2008

It's A Happy HoG New Year After All...Maybe

Please. Allow me. On behalf of the HoG staff, we really do hope the calendar keeps bringing happy holidays to you. And now, now that we're back from our international holiday travels (Editor's Note: Cecil and I didn't actually go anywhere; we just work and drink too much. And are lazy.), we can get back to those things that are really important here on the good ol' CyberNets. (Note: We hope Seven will join us when he returns from his I-must-snuggle-with-the-tundra-once-traversed-by-Viggo-Mortensen-induced jaunt).

Nevertheless, let me convey, precious readers, the events that signify badassery that have already occurred in this fair span of time we will heretofore refer to as Two Thousand Eight.


This spectacle was indeed so incredible, that naming it won't do any justice. I will, however, set the scene: New Year's Day; gusts of wind and snow, 73,000 strong; national television; Ralph Wilson Stadium; two of hockey's most up-and-coming teams in today's NHL; overtime; a five-hole Sydney Crosby game-winning was incredible.

I realize that my colleagues, along with 99% of the HoG readership, don't give two squirts about hockey/think it's a joke/honestly believe that NASCAR and televised poker are more exciting. And that's fine. The game is better without their ignorance. But one has to appreciate the magnitude of this event. The organ music was blasting, prompting the masses to bellow "Let's go, Buffalo!" while Mike Emery, Darren Pang and Ed Olyck produced a flawless display of commentary and game-calling. Suffice it to say, that if you missed it, you really, really missed it.

Alright. So that one-man circle jerk left the Bankmeister happy. And on that same day, perhaps even as Crosby was beating Ryan Miller, one of Crosby's biggest fans/quite the HoG presence since its invocation, was getting stocking filled with an oft-desired holiday gift.


Yep. The Lone Reader is the man of whom I speak, and his fulfilled wish came in this form. I won't support the decision, but I certainly won't bash it either. Something had to give. And by something, I mean a lot of shit. Never in my 27 years of watching Chiefs football, have I experienced a season as miserable as this past one. And there've been some really bad ones (Note: see the entire '80s). Anyway, football season is officially over for the HoGers, but we'll secretly watch every moment of every playoff game, and probably prop ourselves up in front of a television when that Super Bowl thing hits the air waves.

Personally, I'm pulling for the five seed in the AFC and the six seed in the Nobody Freaking Cares. Mm-hmm. Jags/'Skins. That'd be a cool Bud Bowl. You know. 'Cause Jack Del Rio's club is pretty rad, and you've got to rally around Joe Gibbs, the memory of the Meast, and long-time Chiefs backup QB Todd Collins. Oh, and of course death and destruction to the Fetus and SmegmaBoy.

Anyhoo. May the new year bring health and happiness to the HoGnation. And by "health and happiness to the HoGnation," I mean enough traffic to this here IntraWebs locale that we can quit our jobs. Finally.

Oh. And the maybe part of the headline to this post is this: If the Chiefs (Herm) continue their ultra-unsuccessful, decades-long, good ol' boys hiring/re-hiring circle, and bring Paul Fucking Hackett back as O.C., I quit. For real. And forever. I will fucking nuke One Arrowhead Drive, so help me Christ.

Just sayin'.

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