Ma Cudrapht 2008 V. Etc.

Since everyone with a second-grade education and an abacus is doing a mock draft right now, I figure I better get back on the stick.

The draft is but two weekends away and the radio silence is bustin' my drums, what with every decision-making NFL type hunkered down in some ala carte steakhouse trying to re-rank offensive guards 26 and 27. So into that breach steppeth the House of Motherscratchin' Georges. Absolutely informed and well-researched* positions after the leap.

(*Not true. In fact, some of these picks are downright fanciful.)


As before, this mock assumes no trades, even though they'll happen. And probably downwards, since every front office rat at the top of
this thing is gonna try and climb down the salary gangrope into a friendlier, less expensive neighborhood. Mixed metaphors be I.

1. Miami Dolphins--Vernon Gholston DE Ohio State

I'm sticking with Steroidus Maximus here. Not only because he'll fit Parcells' 3-4, but because I fear change.

2. St. Louis Rams--Jake Long OT Michigan

Switched Longs from last time. Some guys think he's a right tackle and nothing more, but those guys grow fungus in their decades-old 'staches. Sorry, Chefs fans.

3. Atlanta Falcons--Glenn Dorsey DT LSU

I actually think that spiky-haired parvenu they hired from New England will do the right thing here and help this shitty franchise build from the inside, rather than waste this pick on the overrated Matt Ryan (if Matt Ryan ever makes a Pro Bowl, that was Ol' No. 7's opinion, not mine).

4. Oakland Raiders--Chris Long DE Virginia

Even though I think he's dropping most places, he won't get by Al Davis. There's just no way. Al might also try and re-draft Howie, too, and then sign him to a 23-year 570 million dollar deal.

5. Kansas City Chiefs--Darren McFadden RB Arkansas (formerly Dominque Rodgers-Cromartie CB/RS Tennessee State)

No. 7 pointed out that I had left probably the most hyped and potential-laden prospect in this whole shebang off the list, to which I answered: you're not my real dad, you can't tell me what to do. Anyway, here's rectifying the situation by giving a team with plenty of backs another crazy talent. Fits with earlier Rodgers-Cromartie pick by being wholly unreasonable.

6. New York Jets--Keith Rivers LB USC

Supposedly this guy is really rising, and they need a linebacker, so here you go. Anyone reading this care? Speak up, New York, tell the House how you feel.

7. New England--Sedrick Ellis DT USC

Same as before. I would imagine they'd have preferred a linebacker, since all of theirs are old and broken, but instead they get a guy who I think will fucking rock in the NFL. I remember when I didn't hate this franchise. Barely.

8. Baltimore Ravens--Matt Ryan QB Boston College

Much as I'd like to give this kid a Brady Quinn-like, green room embarassment of a first round freefall, I can't see it happening. Why don't I like him? Because of a simple rule I have when it comes to NFL draft evaluation: go against what Colin Cowherd says.

9. Cincinnati Bengals--Malcolm Kelly WR Oklahoma

Even the team with the league's smallest scouting staff and dumbest owner--maybe second dumbest, after this guy and his Dad--can't really reach for this clown here, right? Right?

10. New Orleans Saints--Leodis McKelvin CB Troy

The mighty machine of Troy puts another guy in the league, fills a need for the Saints and increases to one the number of NFL players named "Leodis."

11. Buffalo Bills--Devin Thomas WR Michigan State

Another fast riser. One-year wonder in school, a tough position to project, but the Bills need to give Lee Evans help, and it wouldn't hurt to draft someone that the citizens of Toronto can embrace early.

12. Denver Broncos--Chris Williams OT Vanderbilt

Do I honestly think he'll be drafted before Ryan Clady? No. But I couldn't resist the Vandy connection. In this alternate universe, they also take Earl Bennett in the second round and the team's trainer in the 5th.

13. Carolina Panthers--Ryan Clady OT Boise State

Carolina execs wet themselves that he's still available. Except that, in that ol' real world, he most definitely won't be.

14. Chicago Bears--Rashard Mendenhall RB Illinois

They get the Illinois kid and instantly improve their running game. Hedging my bets: could be Jeff Otah, OT Pitt.

15. Detroit Lions--Branden Albert G Virginia

I'm giving Matt Millen too much credit by allowing him to draft a good player in my imagination. Real life pick, probably the 6th best wideout on the board.

16. Arizona Cardinals--Jeff Otah OT Pitt

Even though they took a tackle in the Top 5 last year, they still suck. And will probably continue to do so. Anyway, he's kinda like what Whisenhunt worked with in Pittsburgh, so...

17. Minnesota Vikings--Derrick Harvey DE Florida

Just about everyone has the Vikes getting this guy, which would be funny since his teammate Jarvis Moss was taken in the same spot last year by a certain local franchise...OK, so maybe that isn't really all that funny.

18. Houston Texans--Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie CB/RS Tennessee State (formerly )Mike Jenkins CB/RS South Florida

Need to shore up that pass D since Dunta "Don't pronounce it Dun-tah" Robinson is probably gonna lose his career to injuries.

19. Philadelphia Eagles--Limas Sweed WR Texas

Pro Football Weekly actually said that this kid "lacks confidence," which would be a first in an NFL wideout. I love this pick, because it might actually happen. Which would be a first for me.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers--Anthony Collins LT Kansas

Going out on a limb, that's right. Most guys have this dude falling to the second or third round, but if you wanna play it safe, stick to the Kiper and get your weak ass down the highway.

21. Washington Redskins--Kenny Phillips S Miami

Just because of the Meast, RIP.

22. Dallas Cowboys--Felix Jones RB Arkansas

Pretty good speed back, went to Jerry Jones alma mater, I call Win for America's (most overhyped and underachieving) Team.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers--James Hardy WR Indiana

Benjy gets his tall (6'6") wideout, whose past as a girlfriend-and-infant son-abuser dovetails perfectly with this formerly Holier Than Thou franchise's recent history.

24. Tennessee Titans--Dan Connor LB Penn State

Jeff Fisher, when he's not accumulating career criminals and violent headcases, likes good ol' solid footballers like this kid, who doesn't suffer from the sin of modesty.

25. Seattle Seahawks--Jonathan Stewart RB Oregon

Sticking with this kid in this spot, even though Rick Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News has the Broncos taking him #12. Why? Because Rick Gosselin can suck it.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars--DaJuan Morgan S North Carolina State

Another good player for a D that seemingly never runs out of 'em. Real world hope is that Denver trades down and picks him up.

27. San Diego Chargers--Curtis Lofton ILB Oklahoma

Big fan of this kid, which only makes the pain of writing that pick worse. Maybe he and Phillip Rivers will get into an argument over dominoes that ends with Rivers' violent murder...sigh. I can only dream.

28. Dallas Cowboys--Aqib Talib CB Kansas

It baffles me somewhat that his stock is dropping so far, but Dallas lucks into a pretty good corner with an inflated sense of self-esteem. Which isn't a bad thing at his position.

29. San Francisco 49ers--Kentwan Balmer DT North Carolina State

The interesting aspect of this is, why so many high-round picks out of such a blah program? Jeezus. Boom or bust guy, but you can never have too many linemen.

30. Green Bay Packers--Jerod Mayo LB Tennessee

Another fantasy pick, because this kid will go much higher than this, maybe top 15-20. All of my debts with Packerville are hereby settled.

31. New England Patriots--********

FAIL

32. New York Giants--Lawrence Jackson DE USC

They won the Super Bowl rotating linemen, so add another potential 8-10 sacks per year at the end of the round. Why not? Every other team is doing it. Or would. If they won the Super Bowl. Fuck the New York Giants, anyway.