More Wankery

Got my Pro Football Weekly draft book today. And we all know what that means: I'm a massive nerd with nothing constructive to do.

But you all look the other way and leave me sans swirlie. Because someone has to do the dirty work of wading through page after page of largely meaningless information about a group of uncurious millionaires-to-be, and you're all just glad it's not you. Lazy fuckers.

Anyway, here are some lower-profile guys the Broncos and Chefs should look at taking in the upcoming draft. Sleepers, if you will. And we all know you will.


First, JC's squad:

Jerome Simpson, WR Coastal Carolina

We needed another wideout anyway, and after the McDonald's bag/horseplay/15 quaaludes, bondage models and gunfire incident, that's only become more obvious. This long-armed small school player has great hands, a ton of production and was disciplined for screaming obscenities at another team's bench. Our guy, right there.

Andre Fluellen, DT Florida State

It may be stretching things to say this guy's out of the spotlight, since he played for Coach Methuselah in front of the trollops in cowboy gear, but since people think he's a one-note Johnny, a real puckering lemon, a trombone in sansabelt slacks, he's being undervalued. He's smaller but quick, and if you can get pass rush pressure from the inside in a 4-3 defense, you don't suck as badly as the Broncos did last year.

Craig Stevens, TE California

This isn't an area of need, really, since it's probably the team's strongest position. But you can never have enough big-assed fellows who like to mash it up in the run game, which is Stevens' strength. And since Tedford doesn't seem to like throwing passes to the tight end, he might have been misevaluated. But PFW says "tends to cradle-catch," which sounds creepy. So who really knows?

Mike McGlynn, OL Pittsburgh

Blue-collar gritty hard workin' overachiever with a mean streak and sand in his pants and a wide base whom the game means a lot to and who just happens to have grown up as a Broncos fan.

And those Chefs from KC, marinating in their own special rub of desperation and mediocrity:

King Dunlap, OL Auburn

The guy is freaking enormous--6'8" and a half, 310 pounds--and agile for his size. He also played in a big program against the best defensive players in the nation. And he's named King. He's not the first one in his family, either: his father is King IV and was drafted by the Baltimore Colts in '69, leading to the inevitable (and totally ridiculous) talk of "NFL bloodlines." Be warned, though: PFW says he's not a naileater, whatever that means. I actually think that's a good thing, but what do I know about scouting?

Jason Shirley, DT Fresno State

Every year, some kid comes out of Fresno State who just ate all the fucking pizzas. Why so many earth movers from the Bulldogs? Is it the agricultural chemicals? The latest is Shirley, who checks in at a shrimpy 6'5" and a quarter, 338 pounds. Yoiks. He's an underachieving waste of talent thus far, but Herm wants a challenge, right? Right?

Brad Cottam, TE Tennessee

He's kind of a mystery, because he barely played in college--he was hurt for most of his senior year, and evidently a lot early on because he only played in three games from '03-'05. But he's 6'7", agile for his size and blew it up at the combine, so he's worth taking a 4th round chance on. After all, the second best tight end in history can't play forever

Simeon Castille, DB Alabama

Folks 'round these parts, i.e. me, say he's gonna move to safety because he lacks the speed to be an NFL cover guy, but he did play corner in the SEC for four years--even picked off Cutler twice in '05. And versatility is never a bad thing in the bold new world of NFL labor unrest, where every roster spot is worth its weight in some kind of mildly precious metal. He's also the son of former Bronco Jeremiah Castille, whom true believers will recall as the guy who stripped Ernest Byner at the 2-yard line in the '87 AFC Championship game. Bloodlines, you know.