We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Things That Bashing Will Leitch Will Never Get You

Believe it or not, I do in fact pity the fool that makes an utter ass of himself on the HomeBoxOffices, and later on the CyberNets. Not a lot, but a smidge. I was disappointed in myself by contributing to the Googlers out there drumming up the search ratings for Buzz Bissinger, but felt a bit of reprieve when the former "A-Team" star came up around page threeish. So there's that. I'm more than willing to admit that I don't have any credentials. Perhaps I should order some from Amazon. I do, however, have a bit of insight. My small amount of education has led me to the conclusion that Mr. Bissinger's blog -- wouldn't that be a hoot? -- will never hit the "Blogdome" section of Deadspin after being rude to Will Leitch on television last night. He can, as Old No. 7 once said -- is this guy a slogan machine or what? -- consider his blog cast into the virtual Siberia of Blogstralia. Some other things that the slouchy author won't get, just after the jump.

Andie Valentino



If Bob Costas -- or an intern on Mr. Costas' behalf -- ever communicates that your presence on his television program would be appreciated, accept.



Once in the studio, however, make certain that no Leitch-bashing takes place,



or the chances of receiving, as a parting gift, a nifty, framed picture of a quaint, tree-laden rural setting will diminish faster than the words Braylon Edwards can be uttered.



Annette Dawn



Blogger bashing almost never results in eligibility for striped attire. Almost never.

Danielle Teal



Still dreaming of that tropical getaway?



Consider that dream unattainable if your M.O. is to go on television and rudely interrupt other guests each time they attempt to speak.



Divini Rae



I have in front of me a pile of legal documents (Editor's Note: Oops. Turned out to be a pile of unsorted mail and post-it notes to myself. I was wondering where those went!) that says telling Will Leitch that efforts like his "dumbs us down" strictly prohibits one from changing from a slightly cool moniker like "Buzz" to an ultra-hip one like "Divini."



Dita Von Teese



Speaking of cool names, Dita Von Teese carries with her a list of unattainable items that result from actin' tha fool on TV. Among them are: a swanky hotel room where the comforter matches the drapes;



a thingamajig that looks like a violin bow, a whip, and a tinwhistle all in one;



tickets to the SpongeBath MartiniGlass performance;



an antique telephone that only works when the user is partially clothed;



an oddly placed, exquisitely decorated tub (with free bubble bath!);



uh, yeah. It won't get you that either.

Jillian Beyor



Looking for that super-cute one-piece mesh outfit to punctuate your summer wardrobe?



Well, kiss it good-bye if anti-blogging is your message for the Dead Spinster.

Katlain Ryan



Remember that outdoor bedding Costas promised you? Also gone.



Sarah Shahi



Go on Costas's show. G'head. Attempt to ridicule Will Leitch and see if your mom tells you "lesbians are hot" afterwards.

Veronika Zemanova



Say adios to that dinner-for-two door prize with the Russian version of Veronica from the "Archie and Jughead" comics,



which is really a shame because there would've been poolside cocktails afterwards,



as well as the secret to "what's behind door number one,"



and a lovely morning stroll on the beach the next day. All this and more can certainly not be yours if you join Bob Costas, Will Leitch, and Braylon Edwards with a passion to show the world just how close-minded you are. Good luck!

(Perhaps Mr. Bissinger should wear a Gorilla Mask when he eats his bowl of Daily Niner.)