Friday, April 18, 2008

Conversations on the Corner: The AL West

"Conversations on the Corner" returns today, and this time it's bigger and badder than ever. Why? Because we're finally focusing on the American League, where good baseball occurs, and nobody pours sour diarrhea (Editor's Note: as opposed to the fresh and desirable variety), down the auditory canals about real baseball involving pitchers hitting, blah, blah, blah. In case any of our readers missed the NL installments, however, the East can be found here, the West here, and the Central here. I'm told they all make for enthrallingly fantastic reads. This feature was born from the idea that, after hitting singles, base runners frequently chat it up with their opponent's first basemen. It's almost always a warm, heartfelt, full-of-smiles experience to view. When placed under the scrutiny of intensely professional journalism -- something the House of Georges is prone to do more than daily on occasion -- however, it turns out these conversations on the corner are strictly for the camera; they're good P.R. moves, good for the kids. Today's investigation involves the American League West. The goodies on it, with the help of our good friend Richie Sexson, just after the jump.

Bankmeister: Richie -- we're stoked to have you with us today. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule.
Richie Sexson: Not a problem, Banky. Pleasure to be here.
B: Excellent. Mind if I call you Dick?
RS: Yes.
B: How 'bout Sex?
RS: Yes. I mind.
B: Sambora?
RS: Rich will be fine.
B: Fair enough, Richie. Will you say "Raul Ibanez" for me?
RS: Raul Ibanez.
B: Awesome. You're no Denny Matthews, but I won't hold it against you.
RS: O-Okay.
B: The American League West is a pretty exciting place to play baseball for any club not named the Texas Rangers. Remember when they only kind of sucked?
RS: I'll pass on commenting there.
B: Oh, come on. I mean, there's sucking the way the Detroit Tigers sucked to start off the season. There's sucking the way that televised car racing sucks, and then there's Texas Ranger suck. Kind of akin to Ryan Leaf suckdom. Admit it.
RS: It wouldn't be prudent...
B: Right. Might I remind you that they play in Texas.
RS: The professional thing--
B: And they're proud of that.
RS: Okay. They suck. Can we change subjects?
B: Sure. Just as soon as you're done telling us how much Ben Broussard, the Rangers' first baseman sucks.
RS: He's actually kind of good.
B: Kind of good? Come on. He's batting a cool .200 right now. That's good if your name is Joey Gathright.
RS: I mean, I don't think he'll be an MVP candidate, but he's still a pretty quality baseball player.
B: No he's not.
RS: I don't really want--
B: He moonlights as a singer/songwriter.
RS: Right. You're putting me in a--
B: He has his own Web site.
RS: It's--
B: With up-to-date pressers on himself.
RS: Us players kind of--
B: He was born in Texas.
RS: Alright, dude. Jesus. He sucks already.
B: Thank you. He does have three homeruns this year, but looking at the tape, each of them kind of sucked in their own Broussardish kind of way. Moving on, though, to teams that don't necessarily suck. We'll start with your Mariners.
RS: We definitely don't suck.
B: Will you say "Ibanez" again?
RS: Ibanez.
B: That's phenomenal.
RS: So you want me to talk about myself?
B: Not really. You could talk about your wife, though. She's pretty hot.
RS: How 'bout we leave my wife out of this?
B: Sounds like something you'd say in hostage negotiations, but that's fair. When'll Putz be back?
RS: Well, we're hopeful he'll be off the DL here in a few days, but he probably won't take over the closer role again for a couple of weeks.
B: Bummer. You feel good about your club's rotation thus far?
RS: Well, Jarrod's a workhorse, as is Miguel, and Felix has just been phenomenal. Also, Carlos Silva, you can't say enough about what an addition he's been for us.
B: Yeah. That guy's clearly devoted to only sucking when I have him on my fantasy team. But enough about you guys. Let's talk Oakland Athletics.
RS: You want me to talk about Daric Barton?
B: You could. I'd rather you talk about Mike Sweeney. Or better yet, shouldn't there be a limit to how many former Kansas City Royals can be on the roster of the former Kansas City baseball team? Sheesh. Sweeney, Emil Brown, Mark Ellis to an extent. Better still, how about a limit on how many Sweeneys you can have on your team?
RS: Right. That is pretty funny. No, but Barton though. He could have the stuff to be a great player, but he's young still. I think the jury's still out on him.
B: That was a pretty typical, generic answer. But moving on.
RS: Sorry.
B: That's cool. You can say Ibanez for me again. With flare this time.
RS: Eey-ban-yezzz!
B: There you go. The Oakland California Anaheim Los Angeles of Anaheim Los Anaheim Angels.
RS: Yes. Kind of our rivals. They've got a kid named Casey Kotchman manning the bag.
B: Indeed they do. Hell of a start for that guy.
RS: What's he got? Four homers already?
B: Yup. Battin' over .300, slugging higher than six. Think they'll ever call him Mighty Casey?
RS: Be pretty gay if they did.
B: Tou-che, my good man. Tou. Che. Who takes the West this year?
RS: Well, isn't every guy gonna say his own team?
B: Naturally.
RS: Ems, man. It's ours for the taking.
B: If you can hold off the Angels.
RS: If we-- No, dude. It's all ours.
B: Well, you do have the secret weapon on your side. Go ahead. Say it one last time. For the fans.
RS: Ibanez!
B: A job well done, my friend. Here (hands Sexson a bumper sticker that says "Mess With Texas"). Put this on your car. And, uh, tell the wife I said hello.

That's it for today. Check back in tomorrow, and by "tomorrow," I mean Monday, when we'll cover everyone's favorite AL Central.


Unknown said...

Fuck Texas.

Cecil said...

I'm rootin' for Ervin tomorrow.

Unknown said...

good times!

rustoleum said...

Banky, I'm so impressed that you've actually learned of players outside of the k. But for your next interview, please keep Royal references to none.