Baseball In The Daytime: A Rocky Chalky Final Opening Day

I doubt anyone in Kansas City is awake to read this, considering the celebration that had to have taken place out there last night. But you'd better nut up, gents, because your local nine is taking to the green grass of The Kauff for the first time in '08.

Back East, the Mets christen their final season at Shea today as well. Down in Texas, where the Jayhawks pulled off their miracle, the Rangers open their park for the season against the first-place Orioles. And out at Olde Fenway, the Red Sox celebrate their world championship at home, finally, after an odyssey that took them to three countries (including California, I mean Mexico) and across 18,000 air miles over 19 days.

So shake off that hangover, Kansas City, and get your unshaved asses out to the Harry S. Truman Sports Complex. Welcome Trey Hillman to your fair city, cheer on your promising club, and please wait until the end of a half-inning to go puke in the remodeled restrooms...

Philadelphia @ NY Mets, 11:10 Mountain Mets fans get to enjoy their last opener at Shea Stadium before moving into their palace next door in 2009. But sentimentality won't be on the minds of many in Queens today. That's because the opponent is the Phillies, the beneficiaries of the Mets' historic gag job last year. Jamie Moyer starts for the visitors against Oliver Perez.

Detroit @ Boston, 12:05 In what some saw as an ALCS preview before the season, the last two pennant-winners square off at the intersection of Yawkey Way and Brookline Ave. Instead of first-place juggernauts, though, ticketholders will witness a couple of struggling clubs trying to find their seas legs. Neither offense has clicked yet, and superstars like David Ortiz and Miguel Cabrera look lost at the plate. Daisuke Matsuzaka will try to extend the Tigers' teamwide slump, while Boston's bats hope to tee off against The Roaster, no longer the poster boy for sticky fingers.

Baltimore @ Texas, 12:05 The Orioles are one of the rare teams that loves to go on the road, because home cookin' is so awful in the Inner Harbor these days. The fans have deserted this team--everyone hates Peter Angelos, the DC-based backers are checking out the Nats, and almost every star was shipped off over the winter. They drew less than 70,000 to their four-game weekend series against the Mariners that featured their home opener and the return of Erik Bedard. Down in Arlington, Baltimore will start Brian Burress against Jason Jennings.

NY Yankees @ Kansas City, 2:10 What is it about coaching in KC that makes one mangle the English language? Around here, Hank Stram's malapropisms have been immortalized on 100 per cent cotton t-shirts, available for a small fee. Her, is, of course, herm. Now Trey Hillman is throwing down the verbal gauntlet with this gem, talking about his possibly suspended left fielder:

"Honestly, my gigabytes are not even worried about it," Hillman said. "I can't go there, I can't control it. When I need to know something, they'll let me know."

Gigabytes? Today Trey's hard drive is logged on to Brian Bannister, who hopes to crash the system of Phil Hughes. Derek Jeter sprained his cock in A-Rod's ass and may miss this game.

Play ball!