Travashamockery!

I've put it off long enough. It's Sunday, I'm nursing a hangover, but you want--nay, need--to read my first, tossed-off mock draft, which I might very well have just copied and pasted from some poor internet sap without his knowledge. Hah. I didn't, but I could have. And you wouldn't know because they all look the same. To the fakery!


(This is all assuming no trades or other such shenanigans, even though those will certainly happen, and probably with Dallas and Oakland. But I'm not feeling the creative muse today, so suck on it.)

1. Miami Dolphins. Vernon Gholston. OLB Ohio State
Steroids work, kids! Parcells gets his foundation 3-4 DE/LB combo.

2. St. Louis Rams. Chris Long. DE Virginia/Howie's Nuts
They need defense, and Jake Long makes too much sense. Fuck this team, anyway.

3. Atlanta Falcons. Jake Long. LT Michigan
They've gotta build from inside-out, because this team stinks like last week's toilet paper.

4. Oakland Raiders. Darren McFadden. RB Arkansas
I wanted to write in Glenn Dorsey or Sedrick Ellis, both of which would be better picks, but Al Davis loves him some prolific sprinters.

5. Kansas City Chefs. Jeff Otah. LT Pittsburgh
No, I'm not trying to cook the books for Denver to get Ryan Clady--I just think the talent evaluators in KC want a big-ass mauler type instead. I don't have to have a fucking reason why, so don't bother asking...OK, it's because of Herm's Kangol.

6. New York Jets. Glenn Dorsey. DT LSU
He's too good to drop this far, but they'll pick him because he's a bad fit for their 3-4 and the Jets suck horse testes on draft day.

7. New England Patriots. Sedrick Ellis. DT USC
The rich get richer, blah blah fucking blah.

8. Baltimore Ravens. Ryan Clady. LT Boise State
With Jonathan Ogden and his freakishly long arms retiring, there's a need. And he's the best guy on the board and Ozzie Newsome knows what he's doing, even if he played on a bunch of loser teams.

9. Cincinnati Bengal. Phillip Merling. DE Clemson
We can only assume he's running an elaborate interstate mail fraud operation if he lands in Cincy.

10. New Orleans Saints. Leodis McKelvin. CB Troy
Man, how the fuck did Troy start putting so many guys in the NFL? The Aints need some help here after screwing up with Jason David, who carried the suck of Indy south. It's like an infection, the Coltsness.

11. Buffalo Bills. DeSean Jackson. WR/RS California
They need juice on offense, and they love drafting little guys. For the record, this pick will make me very glad, because the Broncos won't make the mistake of picking him, going instead for...

12. Denver Broncos. Rashard Mendenhall. RB Illinois
Surprise! The team that never drafts runners higher than the second round picks maybe the best back in the draft--he only has one season of work on him, played against big-time competition (busted long run against USC in the midst of Illinois' bowl blowout), came through in the clutch and is the kind of person you hope never decides to punch you in the face. Also: likes to read. So my mom will dig this pick, and that's important.

13. Carolina Panthers. Chris Williams. LT Vanderbilt.
Does anyone truly care about this franchise? I've never met 'em. Anyway, a hedge against Jordan Gross leaving.

14. Chicago Bears. Malcolm Kelly. WR Oklahoma
At some point, this team needs to hit on an offensive prospect other than Devin Hester. Has to. Not that it will matter with the Sex Cannon behind center.

15. Detroit Lions. Derrick Harvey. DE Florida
Out with Kalimba Edwards,, in with someone whose name isn't nearly as rad.

16. Arizona Cardinals. Felix Jones. RB Arkansas
The speedy backup to McFadden, who was also speedy. Definite upgrade over the aged Edgerrin.

17. Minnesota Vikings. Mike Jenkins. CB/RS South Florida
Because I don't have to have a reason why, as stated earlier...and this time, I really don't.

18. Houston Texans. Aqib Talib. CB Kansas
The best name in the first round goes to the Kubester. Gary, we miss you. Come back.

19. Philadelphia Eagles. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. CB Tennessee State
Fresh blood for a team that always has a killer secondary.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Limas Sweed. WR Texas
Perfect fit for Gruden's offense; flexible enough to twist for Brian Griese floaters.

21. Washington Redskins. James Hardy. WR Indiana
Burned by short dudes, the 'Skins reach for a really tall (6'6") one.

22. Dallas Cowboys. Reggie Smith. CB/FS/PR Oklahoma
They need help in the back 4, he's got the versatility. In no way will this team actually pick here.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers. Brandon Albert. G/LT Virginia
Big, mobile and a perfect fit. Fuck this team anyway, too.

24. Tennessee Titans. Kentwan Balmer. DT North Carolina State
They should pick up a wideout, but they don't, and go with a guy unlikely to stomp on anyone's face.

25. Seattle Seahawks. Jonathan Stewart. RB Oregon
He was a top 15 pick until news about his supposedly injured toe came out, and the 'Hawks get a gift.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars. Brandon Flowers. CB Virginia Tech
It really doesn't need to be said, but--fuck this team, anyway. Why do we play them every fucking year?

27. San Diego Chargers. Calais Campbell. DE Miami
They're deep, so they can bring this unfinished Denver South product along slowly. Fuck. This. Team. Anyway.

28. Dallas Cowboys. Devin Thomas. WR/KR Michigan State
They need a wide receiver, and can't get one in free agency without hackin' off T.O.

29. San Francisco 49ers. Keith Rivers. LB USC
Pair him with Patrick Willis and the Niners look a lot better at the linebacker spot--except their line still sucks, so...

30. Green Bay Packers. Dustin Keller. TE Purdue
Athletic TE for non-Favre to grow, change and cry with.

31. New England Patriots. Big Fat Sack of Fucking Nada, for being cheaty ass cheaterfaces. Fuck this team, anyway.

32. New York Giants. Gosder Cherilus. LT Boston College
Big guy, may fit best as right tackle, but seriously--Gosder?