Couch-Scout V.2: Jaguars & Broncos

Oh, wait. Sorry. Guess that image is just a smidge out of date.

I missed previewing the Chefs game as per my contract. So let's catch both of you up:

Adrian Peterson humiliates Ty Law on touchdown run, Huard et al appear to have just picked up this "tackle football" thing earlier in the week, Vikings D not giving Inverted Vagina Symbol any room, Vikings kick field goal. Vikings 10-0.

Chefs suddenly show some life, recover a Peterson fumble and complete a few passes. Chefs inside the 30, IVS slams helmet after penalty simply to remove all doubt about what a whiny ass infant he truly is, Chefs settle for a try. 10-3 Land O' a Thousand Lakes.


Now on to the good game. The Broncos of Denver--but really, all of Colorado, not to mention points Montana north and New Mexico south--take on Jacksonville's favorite/only pro team, the Jaguars.

I am of mixed mind about this game. Normally I have a guess, a reading from the ol' Magic 8 Ball that I can feel confident about. Last week, for example, I guessed we'd blow the Raiders back to the East Bay.

I was right about that, except for the long stretches of time that I wasn't. This week is different. The Magic 8 Ball displays a question mark superimposed on an upraised middle finger. Thanks. Fucking smartass Boomer toy.

The Jags haven't run on anyone but have potentially the league's best running game, with Maurice Jones-Drew (when did guys start hyphenating their names? I blame Alex Dorgan-Ross) and Fred Taylor. The Broncos are giving up a 150+ on the turf and haven't faced a team with that kind of legpower. On the flip, we're chokin' the life outta other teams' passing games--even with the McCown/Losman factor on our side. But David Garrard has played well so far. Also the Jags D had 7 sacks last week. No pinche bueno, that.

But their side of beef on the D-line, John Henderson, is doubtful with a "head" issue. Profootballtalk.com raised an interesting notion: what if Mike Tice and Jack Del Rio are calling it that so they don't have to to treat it like what it is, a concussion? A sneaky way around the league's strict new guidelines, perchance? In any case, he's woozy, which will make it easier for some talentless, malevolent scrub like Chris Meyers to cut his legs out and ruin his career.

What it comes down to for me is our run defense against their backs. (I know, that's a hell of an insight. Stick around for my crop forecast. Hint: stay far, far away from beets, sugar and otherwise, in '08). If we hold 'em to 110 yards between the two we win by two touchdowns. If not...I don't wanna think about it.

Broncos 13, Jaguars 10.

And yes, Peter King picked the exact same score. I can hear what you're saying with my interweb mega-ears and you can go choke on a bowl of dicks.

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Handicapper's Corner, Week 1

This is the inaugural edition of yet another regular House feature, wherein I give a pre-game breakdown of both the Chefs' and the Broncos' upcoming matchups (Unlike the actual handicapping done a post below, I don't bother with spreads--this is more, as my boss would say, meta) And, like our new interview segment--which I should mention is already the talk of daytime television--it has a lame, predictable title. I take full responsibility for naming it, as long as you take full responsibility for being the kind of asshole who complains about blog post titles. Anyway. To the breakdowns!


Broncos v. Bills, 11 a.m., Rich Stadium in Buffalo.

Really, what can I write that you haven't read about this game? The Broncos are bringing their new addition at running back, Travis Henry, back to play the team that drafted him. Jay Cutler is making his sixth NFL start, which by my addin' makes him not quite halfway through his rookie year and thus fills the seat of my pants with liquid brown worry. You might have heard that we changed defensive coordinators, that we're going for meat over agility. You might have caught a whisper that the pride of Thomas Jefferson high school, aka the most underrated tight end in the league, has signed up with his hometown squad and is ready to obliterate his career marks in every offensivew category. You might have, for the first time in a long time, picked up the words "Dre' Bly" essaying from the lips of a passing stranger.

But what does it all mean? Um...beats the holy hell outta me.

I'm serious. Usually, I have a fairly good reading on the team heading into that first game. Or like to think I do, anyway. (I figured we'd lose to the Rams in the opener last year, because it was a morning dome game on the road, and I don't think this franchise has ever won one of those.) But this year, I shrug. So many factors, so much mystery. Here's my best guess: the Broncos go in running, running and running some more. The Bills were one of the worst run-stopping teams in the league last year, and when Henry played them in Buffalo with the Titans, he went for 135 yards.

The Bills are also without starting weakside linebacker Keith Ellison, and are subbing in his place the undersized but vigorous Coy Wire. Wire is one of those guys you want on your team...preferably running under kickoffs, not starting in your front seven. Especially since he normally plays safety.

When they throw, they'll be throwing at a D that lost its best corner (Nate Clements) to free agency and wasn't all that hot even when he was there. But--it''s the opening game, the fans are hyped up on Utica and hot wings, their team will be jacked, so I see the Bills defense stepping up some, at least when it comes to defending the pass. No matter, because if Henry has the kind of game I'm imagining, Cutler might post a 1953 stat line. You know, 5 for 7 or something.

Peter King, always trying to jinx the Rocky Mountain region's favorite squad, said Cutler would throw four touchdowns today. Note to Peter: shove a grande half-caf vanilla mocchiato with caramel and jimmies into your jowly piehole and shaddup.

Our defense is even more of a mystery. Self-consciously non-homeristic (ed. note: that's probably not a word) analyst Mark Schlereth made doomy noises about the great Lee Evans. Oh goodness, he said. Prepare for the great Lee Evans. Thing is, the last time Champ Bailey met up with Mr. Evans, Mr. Evans had two catches for 5 yards. Don't let the facts stand in the way of a good opinion, Mark--that's why they're paying you the middlin' bucks.

Still, I remain genuinely concerned about the play of the front seven. Buffalo has the makings of a talented offensive team. J.P. might finally be turning the corner. Their O-line is massive. Marshawn Lynch could be the real deal. Could be...but again, who knows? Let's strap those leather helmets on and play some goddamn football, already.

Broncos 33, Bills 30.

Kansas City at Houston, 11 a.m. real time, Reliant Stadium

This game is a little easier. Not that there isn't mystery--the Chefs' offense, the Texans' defense, the readiness of the inverted vagina symbol, the boggle that is Damon Huard--it's just easier to project.

I didn't watch one single episode of Hard Knocks. But everything I've read about it, everything I've read about that team, leads me to one inescapable conclusion:

The Kansas City Chiefs might be in for a really, really bad year.

There's simply no way Huard is going to maintain last year's torrid pace. LJ, although a hell of back, lost his second future HOFer in two years on the offensive line, and Chefs fans are legitimately jacked up about the return of Damion McIntosh. That's just sad. The wideouts are old or unproven. The defense could be better, but it will have to be the return of the '75 Rams (didn't see that coming, didja?) to make up for the ineptitude on the other side of the ball.

The Texans, on the other hand, are on the rise. Matt Schaub could be a heck of quarterback. Andre Johnson is already a star at wideout, and Kubiak looks to have found another in Jacoby Jones. The D has had a steady influx of first-round talent over the last few seasons, and simply can't be worse than it was last year (ed. note: that statement is not true). All of this adds up to...

Texans 23, Chiefs 20.

Be back next week with more gold, pure gold.

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It's A Bright & Schein-y Day

I really don't dislike Adam Schein. He's a host with Sirius NFL radio and has a column on foxsports.com, Scheintology, which is one of the better features on a generally turd-scented website that infects your computer with massive doses of spyware, leading your wife to think you've been ogling pictures of buxom Croatian yoga instructors. Again.

But man--he proves that it's possible to be a homer for nearly every single team in the league.



To illustrate, here's a line from his bit about the woeful squad down in Nashville:

"But after spending a wonderful day with the Tennessee Titans, where a Jeff Fisher practice is wonderfully intense, you can tell this team truly believes in its quarterback and coach putting it in positions to succeed for the 2007 campaign."

Nothing wrong with being positive. But mental illness is another matter entirely. The guy you see in the park with the winter coat on in 98 degree weather is absolutely positive that it's cold out. Then there's this, ala the Colts awarding a massive contract to Dwight Freeney, a pure speed rusher who didn't even get to the QB last year as much as this guy:

"He is one of the rare players who must be accounted for on every single snap of the football. It is so easy to cite stats to describe Freeney's dominance, like the 56.5 sacks in his five-year career. But it's the omnipresent pressure on quarterbacks and his game-busting ability that separates him. We are talking about a top-five defensive player in the NFL."

Well, maybe two years ago. But if the Colts can't stop the run any better than they did last year, Freeney's going to get bulldozed. He's not a great run defender, and if teams don't pass, he can't get sacks. And overpaying single stars is a bad way to run a team. I think this is the year that their habit of giving a few guys (Peyton, Freeney, Reggie Wayne) huge money and spackling elsewhere throughout the lineup catches up to 'em. At least, I hope so. God, I'm tired of Peyton effin' Manning.

But you've gotta give the guy this much: he's right on talking up the Broncos.

Good job, Schein. Way to stay positive.
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Draining Camp; or, Why I Get Hives When I Read the Words "Groin Tear"

But more often, I worry about my team. Not that zombies aren't worth the energy, because anyone who's had one of those undead suckers gnawing on their temple knows just how inconvenient they can be...

Sot he Broncos are winding up training camp. It's been a rough one this year. Aside from having basically our entire starting corps of wideouts nursing some sort of injury--where have you gone, Brandons Marshall and Stokley?--leaving us with guys like Glenn Martinez taking reps with the first team, our O-line is hurting pretty bad. Ben Hamilton got a concussion and hasn't practiced in days. Matt Lepsis, who you must agree looks a lot like a giant hairy baby, had an MRI to see if he had, in fact, torn his groin. Jesus. Talk about words that should never, ever appear in the same sentence.


To further grey my hair, young Chris Kuper is in danger of losing his potential starting job to Montrae Holland, who wasn't good enough to start for the Saints last year. That's really nothing against him, since the New Orleans franchise had one of the league's best lines, and he's a pretty solid player--but Kuper was a coach's favorite. They expected him to win that right guard spot. The fact that he can't, and that they're moving him around the line, sets my teeth against each other.

Oh, and Jay Cutler has tendinitis in his right wrist. Fuck the rest of this post. Does anyone know of a good solid shower head near Colfax and Broadway? I'm gonna nip off and hang myself.

All of us--Broncos and fans alike--need the season to start. We're sick of all this practice (we talkin' about practice!), all of these nagging injuries that probably seem worse than they are, all of Jim Armstrong's mind-numbing "analysis."

On a slightly different note, has anyone else noticed Paul "Dr. Z" Zimmerman's slow descent into complete worthlessness? I used to admire his take on the game and its history, but he's killing me with his meatheaded stance on Broncos in the HoF. His column today on si.com contained this line, in response to an e-mailers query about what was keeping Louie Wright, Randy Gradishar and Gary Z. out: "What's keeping them out? Stronger candidates, that's what." Maybe you could ladle up an extra serving of snide, you embittered old creep. Read more

The Eve of Camp; or, a Little Davis For Your RIng

Congrats to TD on the Ring of Fame, here's hoping the ossified Hall selectors grow a pair...

The Broncos reported today and practice tomorrow. This isn't the time or place to go into the individual battles, the specific storylines, we'll get to that later, I'd just like to say Fuck Yes. Finally.

All the rookies will report on time, no holdouts. Holdouts piss me off. I always figure those missed two days of practice might be the difference between losing 34-30 and losing 34-33. But none of that this year, nossir.



These opening days can provide some comedy, occasionally a window into the future: when Dale Carter showed up that first day on his cellie, blowing off the press, the collective stomach of BroncoWorld tightened. We knew that fucker was trouble. What else are you gonna get from the Chiefs?

Greg Wesley, maybe. That's the rumor at any rate, repeated enough to seem true--and I do believe I heard Adam Teicher talking on Denver sports radio about the Chefs' desire to include one Dominique Foxworth in the deal. That, to my mind, is a shitty trade, unless Peterson is giving up a 3d or better.

Wesley hasn't been a bad player. But he's gettin' on, and it's not exactly like Kansas City's pass defense has dropped anyone's undies the past few years. Foxworth, on the other arm, is smart, young, willing to sacrifice for the cause (witness his largely unsucessful attempt to cover Brandon Manumaleuna, who outweighed him by literally 100 pounds, in last season' second game against the Chargers), and has that elusive upside.

Greg Wesley has a garage full of stolen stock footage showing Clinton Portis buckling his knees. Upside, not so much. Read more

Tall Hog Back in The Saddle

Look, I haven't a clue myself as to what that title means. Or what the photo of Lil' Rich is about. I just love me some tall hog.

Here's what happened. I've been skulking onto this website like a Turkish thief in a wartime hospital. I'd no computer to call my own, necessitating the borry of my wife's work machine. It was an ugly situation. I couldn't even ogle the occasional free tit.

But now, thanks to the gifts of providence and my dear mate's job, I have a computer to call my very own. It's pretty fuckin' spiffed out. Not to brag or anything, but it's definitely better than what you're using. What you're using might as well be an Apple 2E. Forget that, it might as well be an abacus. Two sticks and a tanned piece of moosehide. Oh, and can yours shoot gaseous jets of bat piss? Right. Didn't think so.

Nevertheless, that gear-driven piece of old Navy equipment that enables your daily fix of porn and college football news is more than enough for the House. To the headlines!



I'll even number 'em because your attention span is...uh...

1. How about that Tour de France thing? Just more ugliness. Once, the Tour was something for every sports fan to be proud of. It was an historical event, an athletic contest that transcended national boundaries. How can you not root for dudes riding fucking bikes up the Pyrenees? Past French families drinking wine and portly men dressed as the Devil?
Cycling is unfortunately and unquestionably the dirtiest sport in the world. The East German women's swim team circa the '76 Olympics could have picked up pointers from these lightweight Eurocheaters. And to have the overall leader removed from the Tour? Even though the story behind it is hardly more than opaque--there seems to be some confusion with the excuse he gave for missing a drug test--you'd have to be terminally naive to think that the event, and possibly the sport, have metastasizing problems.

2. Barry Bonds chases Hank's record. Since I think that Bonds betrayed the game by drugging himself with cow juice when he could have gone down as the greatest natural ballplayer of all time, I won't spend any more time on this subject than: fuck Barry Bonds.

3. There's still no way Selig should miss it. He should sit behind home plate with his "wife" and drink in every moment. Gorge himself on the Greek tragedy that this has become, consider, as a longtime Milwaukeean, the irony of having to watch the fruit of his cowardice and disinterest break his friend Aaron's record. The record. Grab a beer, Bud.

4. This isn't necessarily sports related, but this story rules.

5. Training camp days are almost here again. I'll cover this in more thorough, if not to say exhaustive, fashion in upcoming weeks. But to start this puppy off with an unrelated salvo: Administrator, your team is going to depend on Brodie Croyle as the starting quarterback this year. That is all.

(And yes, I know that last year's Huard-bashing didn't turn out for me. But seriously--Brodie Croyle. Is going to. Be your quarterback. This year.) Read more

Nobody Undersells The King!

Peter King, as is his wont, made a dumb prediction today. No jolt there. That's Peter; such a textured study of the comfortable professional know-it-all that he should be portrayed on the stage. I see Andy Richter doing it. Maybe Warwick Davis on stilts.

Then he followed with a metric tonne of self-satisfied offal. Read on, MacSitOnYourDuffs...

"Of course, when you're thinking about this year's Super Bowl pick, the first thing that goes through your mind is, "Can I please pick two AFC teams?'' Face it: The best three teams in football right now -- and this cannot be debated -- are New England, Indianapolis and San Diego, in some order. Who's fourth? I don't know. Maybe the Saints. Maybe Baltimore, Denver, Chicago."

Whattya mean, this cannot be debated? What the fuck good is something like your column--indeed, sport itself--if it can't be debated? You issue the decree, vetted by your canape-snorting brethren, and that's it? Bullhockey, Mr. King. Bull. Hockey.

And this little bit of virtual fellatio...

"The Patriots, quite simply, have had the best offseason of any team in the free-agency era since the Packers stole Reggie White in 1993 and he became the best recruiter in the NFL. Even if Randy Moss is cut before the first game, the New England offense is dramatically better because Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth give the Pats the kind of talent at receiver they've never had in the Belichick Era."

Sorry, but does anyone else remember the Redskins of the late '90s? When they were collecting Deion and Carrier and whoever the fuck else? Back then, drunk on The Snyde's new car smell, guys like King ate that shite on toast with baked beans. They're doing it again now. If Wes Welker had gone to any other team in the league, would you have read a solitary word about it?

Finally...

You did the right thing, Billy Donovan. You were taking the job in Orlando for the money, regardless of how you tried to convince yourself otherwise, but there will always be money for people as talented as you.

Hey, Pete...hold up. Here. Wipe that off, man. Your wife doesn't believe you anymore. She doesn't believe anything anymore.

And for Christ's sake, fasten up your belt. Read more

The Wind-Up, Vol. 1

There may in fact be no volume two, but I like to stick with the theme...as for the post previous, let me assure the Asian-American Anti-Defamation Society that we here at HoG believe in mutual tolerance, love and respect for all races and creeds at all times, with certain exceptions. And we don't speak in dialect unless we're making fun of midwesterners...oh, wait.

Still, Mr. Chan has a point: Semi-Live Draft Blog ended rather abruptly yesterday. That's because (and the following sentence will not only scare away any reader we have but very likely lose me my posting privileges) my wife and I had to go to a dinner theater in Ft. Collins with my mom and stepdad. We saw "Singin' in the Rain" and they actually made it "rain" onstage.

With water, goddamnit. Not like this. Or this. But yeah, the joke nearly killed me before it finally died in my throat. Nobody at the table would have understood when I threw $13 in singles on the teenage ensemble castmembers/busboys.

So we both had about 10 vodka tonics, ate some pretty seedy prime rib and watched dinner theater. Rock and motherfucking roll. Late that night I flipped on the the flatscreen in mom's basement and saw that my team had selected, in addition to Jarvis Moss, Tim Crowder (DE, Texas) and Ryan Harris (LT, Notre Dame). Today they traded back into the 4th round to take Marcus Thomas (DT, Florida) who was booted off that team last year.

I'll follow up with a detailed analysis--or as detailed as we get here, anyway... Read more

Semi-Live Draft Blog Vol. 2

I was betrayed by the internets right as the Broncos were picking. Figures. Technology, what have you ever done for me?

Anyway. Let's catch up--my team gave up a third, a sixth and their first rounder this year to Jacksonville to move to 17, where they selected Jarvis Moss, a tall defensive end from Florida who murdered the Buckeyes in the national championship game. Most mocks I had seen predicted this was gonna be the Broncos' guy and amazingly, for once, everyone seemed to be right.

Of course, I think he might have been available at 21.

Or they could have traded with Cleveland, who just moved back into the first at 22 and got Quinn. Dallas ended up getting Cleveland's 2008 first rounder. Fuck.

At least the very least, KC got stymied, seeing as they were evidently showing interest in Quinn at their slot.

Here's what Pro Football Weekly's 2007 Draft Preview says about Moss: "Has great length and a lot of room to add bulk and get stronger. Very fluid movement skills. Very limber and flexible." Well, thank god for that. One thing I've said consistently the last few years, we need a more bendable defense. Read more

So far, So %#@*! Good...

Not that we don't swear here at the HoGo, but I dearly love me some curse-icons.

Yesterday I posted a completely uninformed mock draft. To this point, it's surprisingly accurate.

I called the first five picks. Not too tough there, a lot of people had them falling like that, with the possible exception of Levi Brown at #5. And while I flipped choices with the Redskins and Vikings--I had the 'Skins taking Adrian Peterson and the Vikes Landry, it went opposite--I still generally had the top 8 right.

I screwed up the three following, and as I write this, Quinn is still falling. He could fall for a while. Which makes me inexplicably happy. Leon Hall remains on the board as well, and I had Okoye going to Hotlanta instead of Houston.

But! I nailed the following three picks, including the Marshawn Lynch to the Bills, which if I may say so, was a bold and visionary call.

The Jets are picking, after the draft's first trade (with Carolina for this slot and a 6th rounder; the Panthers get the Jets' 1st, a 2nd and a 5th...yow) and the goons are freaking out. They should hold the draft in Sioux Falls . And the pick is...Darrelle Revis, whom I had going a slot later to Pittsburgh.

Len Pasquarelli, in between bites of a disgusting Pittsburgher fries-and-chicken heart sandwich, prepares to anoint whoever the Steelers pick as a "blue-collar character guy." Read more

Not Ho, but Still Good...although not as good as Ho

The folks behind this website are gems. Not only do they share our irrational dislike of Len Pasquarelli but they actually take informed, reasoned positions. Which means we aren't worried about competition.

(Enjoy the bonus Ho.) Read more

Fantasy Baseball, ESPN and why I'm a Dipshit; or, Exercise is for Republican Serial Murderers

In a futile attempt to make this alcohol and drug-ravaged carcass of mine somewhat healthy, or at least more healthy than "holy shit, you aren't healthy," I attempted to work out wife my wife Brandy at our local recreation center.

For those of you who don't live in the Ozzie & Harriett-made-real confines of metro Denver, our local recreation centers are a polyglot community experience, kids and grandpas and 'roided up weightlifters and pre-teen basketball players sharing space with Yoga for Paraplegics and the high school swim team. Usually pretty busy. So we go as early as we can, grunt, eyes on the prize, etc. So, working toward that health, I dropped a barbell on the left side o' my chest and also managed to put an evil lava corkscrew in my left shoulderblade. Both being on the same side is awesome. Ever had a vise on your heart?

Oh...right. I should know better than to ask that question to you all, members as you are of the American Society for Ventrical Surgery Via Simple Machines. Forget it happened.

The Nuggets were losing by 12 when my wife took over the remote (the pains of blogging with back to the tube), but now is the time to say that this team has absolutely made up for any negative early season JuJu. They have the sixth seed, they're playing defense, Nene is turning into a legit NBA pro (nightly double-double threat these days) and they can score 100 on anyone. Can they take down one of the Big Boys in the playoffs?

Doubtful. They've won one game in each of their playoff series the last three years, and that's it. San Antonio is a bad matchup and they likely won't get Phoenix, which everyone thinks is a good matchup but still really isn't. And just remember, Nugs Nation, that Mike D'Antoni was not good enough to coach this franchise. Even so, they give us hope for next year and a full season of Carmelo McIverson.

I also hear we have a hockey team in town. They were kicking rear ends right up until they lost out on a trip to the playoffs by a skate-width. But we'll be hearing more about them soon... hockey season doesn't ever end. It's funny--or not, depending--but there was also supposedly a hockey team here when I was little. And they were called the Rockies(!) True story. I totally don't remember them at all. I hear they turned into the New Jersey Devils. Which just goes to show...nothing, really.

I do miss the Denver Bears, though. We had Tim Raines and Andre Dawson! And Gary Sheffield! And that big fat guy who hit 500-foot taters!

We should also, I suppose, address the inescapable fact that rich people have built a large, soccer-only facility next to what was once maybe the most toxic place in America. What to say about it? Don't disturb me while I'm at the Arsenal fishing for trophy largemouths, you gang of ferociously pan-sexual Euro hoodlums. Read more

Sched-u-Well Vol. 2

Just wait until the Draft. Then I'll be posting some really long, self-involved shit.

Back to breakdown of the Denver Broncos' 2007 schedule. For those who missed it, which I believe is probably all of you, volume one is a few posts down. I still don't know how all this bloggery works. Why we can't have the voluminous comments engendered by these little pieces of sport-literature ecstasy appearing as they do elsewhere, in a list below the post? How come we can't click the ads? Just why is it that we rule so fucking hard someone at SMU is wasting time reading this nonsense when they could be studying? (Thanks to our Administrator for the joke, and you, Mustang--no masturbating. We're watching.)

Anyway...

9. Nov. 11, at Kansas City, 11 a.m.
Not only an Arrowhead game (you'll hear more about the tradition before game-time, but to break it down: several people from the great state of Colorado travel across the hostile plains to the flat state of Kansas/Missouri, where they indulge in bottles galore of Pabst Blue Ribbon, plenty of local barbecue and, usually, a good dose of crow following), but a morning Arrowhead game. The Chiefs could be 0-fer and we'd still have trouble. I have high hopes for future Cutlerian victories, but alas: Chiefs, 30, Denver 27. Broncos 7-2.

10. Nov. 19, Tennessee, 6:30 p.m.
I have a feeling--along with every other sentient human who follows the NFL--that Travis Henry is going to be glad to finally be on a team that doesn't have a high-priced "stud buffalo" (Shanahan's pet phrase, which says something about him...not sure what, though) waiting to get carries. In Tennessee it was LenDale White, a former Denver-area schoolboy player at South and Chatfield--where his coach was ubiquitous Denver sports figure Dave Logan--who used to run for like 260 yards a game back when he was playing against pre-pubescents. Then he went to USC, ate a lot of meat, won a Championship or two, was the best back on the field against Texas, got drafted by a team that employed his college offensive co-ordinator and disappeared. I was flummoxed. I thought LenDale, in addition to having a great name, would be the kind of Jamal Lewis-esque pro who would wear down defenses but still skip and hop through the secondary with nimble, elfin footwork. And who knows? He might still be--but he could not beat out Henry last year when that team would have liked nothing better than to have him do so. We'll see how LenDale fares in his return home, but my money's on Travis. Denver rolls, 41-17. 8-2

11. Nov. 25, at Chicago, 11 a.m.
Road, NFC North team, morning game. Disaster. I don't want to write this, but I will, even though I think the Bears are wicked overrated: Bears 27, Broncos 7. Denver at 8-3, losses in two of the last three...

12. Dec. 2, at Oakland, 2:05 p.m.
While we never like playing the Raiders because they cheat and rape grandmothers, we feel a bit better heading into this game than the first. Why? Because the unknown is now known: JaMarcus (assuming they drafted him, which I think is a safe assume) didn't help. Randy retired early to work his IntaJuice franchise. Lane Kiffin proved to be no Tom Flores. Hell, Lane Kiffin proved to be no Joe Bugel. The Raiders remain a mess. And we still almost stumble here because sometimes that just happens in the NFL. Denver 21, Oakland 20. 9-3.

13. Dec. 9, Kansas City, 2:15 p.m.
This is how it goes, every year: we lose in KC. They lose in Denver. It's the Timeless Rhythm of the AFC West, our tide. Our swallows to Capistrano. We don't question why, we just go with it. Last year, Larry "I'm Really Not The Biggest Fuckbag in the League, Really" Johnson ran for like 130 yards, our offense looked like the intramural squad at Northern Tennessee Teacher's College...and we still won. Don't look for the tide to change this year. Denver 24, Kansas City 18. 10-3

14. Dec. 13, at Houston, 6:15 p.m.
I believe in Kubiak. I think that, given enough time and shittiness, he'll eventually accumulate the talent to make that team a winner. Providing, of course, they give him the time...but how many years did they give Dom Capers? And Dom Capers, besides having truly astounding ears, is a doof. How many coaching gigs can you wring out of a few years of mild success a decade before? Kubiak deserves at least that. And maybe Schaub is worth it. Maybe. They still need receivers, an offensive line, a running game, a competent defense and a reason for their fans to keep caring, which won't come today. Denver 33, Houston 10. 11-3. Denver fans are excited. Again.

15. Dec. 24, at San Diego, 6 p.m.
I tipped my pick earlier when I said we'd split the season. Cutler gets a faceful of 'roid rager Merriman, That country bumpkin Rivers throws a few TDs to ex-Northern Colorado kid Vincent Jackson, and the fans who can just barely show up in number enough to keep their team from moving to Torrance jump around and crow like they've won something. Memo to dude dressed as a thunderbolt: no amount of scrubbing will ever remove your shame. Chargers 30, Denver 17. 11-4

16. Dec. 30, Minnesota, 2:15 p.m.
OK. The list is: night games, dome games, morning games, and games against the NFC North. It's a baffler. A few years back, the Broncos played Minnesota in the dome (ack!) and lost in one of the craziest games I've ever seen. A few years even before that, Sean Salisbury beat us in Mile High. The memory still claws at the back of my eyelids. Do I think we can exorcise some of those demons o' the frozen north? Yeah. I do. I think we roll, 34-13. I think we finish 12-4 and get at least one home playoff game. I doubt 12-4 will be good enough for home field, but who knows?

So get some sleep, Cutler. The Broncos monitors at HoG are expecting big things from you. Read more

Look down, young man (or woman!)

Thanks to the incredible smartness of computers and such, the blog I just blogged about the Denver Broncos' schedule (aka "March to Victory '07") is a few blogs down. So blog your little blogginess downstairs a tad, and stay tuned, because we're only halfway through... Read more