Thursday Thought: But What of the Mansion, Mike?

When my alarm clock went off this morning, one of the first choice words I heard coming at me from the TalkRadios was "Shanahan." Phrases such as "were he to come to Kansas City" and "this deal might actually happen" contrasted with other theories the gents were discussing, such as Shanny waiting for GM/head coach opportunity similar to the one he had in Denver, or taking a year off and becoming the Colts new head coach in 2010, should things not work out for whoever that guy that replaced Tony Dungy is. Naturally, I had to look around for some information on the Nets, and as usual, the boys at Arrowhead Pride had the scoop...

Now, non-Kansas Citians don't know Jack Harry. He's been in the local sports gig for literally as long as I can remember watching sports news on television. He's always been forward and opinionated. He's made a few moves between networks over the years. He's had some folks not care for him. And he loves him some cigarettes. I don't know that I'd call him a behind-the-scenes scoopster, but here's what he published yesterday. Tomorrow will tell how credible the veteran anchor' sources are.

Like Cecil said last week, I can't really process it, and I certainly can't see the man wearing red. Certainly not Herm's sweater-vest red.

(props to AP)

(Update: Adam Schefter of NFL.com has reported, in not so many words, that Jack Harry is, um -- however you say "wrong" in English, not a great source. For said faux pas, he'd like Harry to purchase his next order of Lox 'n Latkes. And he gets to have Harry's pickles and 'kraut.)
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Tradition Tuesday: Shana-Canned!

When I started the day, early this morning, I kept coming back to the notion that there would be little to nothing to write about today with regard to The Tradition -- if you're just tuning in, the backbone of the rough focus
of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos -- given that all three legs of the Iron Triangle are bummed and blue about the results of the 2008 NFL season. As the day wore on, the sentiment kept coming back to me that there was nothing. Well, that kept true until I got in my car, tuned in to the TalkRadios, and began driving home. And it was at that moment that I learned that the Denver Broncos have fired Mike Shanahan. Much, much more will come of this in the hours ahead, but for now I can only say "Oh, glorious day..."

(Update: Now they're saying that Shanny and the team have agreed to part ways.)

Allegedly, Shanahan was asked to give up his "GM" duties to which he responded "no way."
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Tradition Tuesday: Coaches On the Hot Seat

On Tuesdays here at the House of Georges, we like to deliver a little something called "Tradition Tuesday." The aim of the feature is to keep the oft-heated rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos alive and healthy on a week-by-week basis. For those new to the series, Cecil and Old No. 7 were begotten in the heinous hues of orange and blue, while I was created in likenesses of red and gold. The "Tradition" part refers to our annual pilgrimages to the respective venues of our foes, where we battle the ever-unforgiving elements of Mother Nature, hope our yearlong prayers to Father Time have been heard, and gently remind our beloved wives which games they are allowed to attend with us (Editor's Note: This being the free country that it is, the units of spousage are of course free to attend any and all football contests throughout each and every season; the ones delegated as "the boys' games," however, remain off limits. See pages 49-53 of your "Nuptials Manual" for further information. This gig is going on its eighth, and perhaps most interesting campaign. Details after the jump.

It's no secret that the 2007 seasons for both clubs were painful and disappointing. Two thousand eight demands high expectations from the soothsayers of these squads. Or else. Well, not really. Ultimately, Chiefs Owner Clark Hunt has delicately said that the playoff contendability of this year's Chiefs will likely weigh heavy on the contract negotiations of a certain kingly general manager, while in Denver, Pat Bowlen still isn't sure whether or not he owns the Broncos; it's possible Shanahan could've secretly taken over the proprietary role, but no one's positive. Either way, improvement in the standings is at the top of the priority list for both the Chiefs and the Broncos, lest heads be rolled. Unless you're former Bronco Javon Walker, in which case, your head already has been. And unless you're Travis Henry, in which case, your head was rolled so suddenly, you're reaching out to other celebrity figures in the same boat.

Nevertheless, we all know that the owners fork out the dollars and hire the front office staffs, and the front office staffs assemble coaching teams, and in some mystical sense of unity the collaborations procure personnel in the hopes of winning championships. In the blue-and-orange corner, hailing from Oak Park, Illinois, Michael Edward Shanahan enters his 15th year as a NFL head coach. He has compiled a 138-90 record, three division titles, and two Super Bowl wins in his tenure. Out of the red-and-gold corner comes Herman Lee Edwards, a New Jersey native with 52 wins and 60 losses in his illustrious seven years as Head Bloach. Along the way, he has netted one division title, and four playoff appearances.

In 1999, the season immediately following John Elway's retirement, Coach Shanahan's Broncos mustered a 6-10 start, the worst of his pro head coaching career. Since then, he has guided Denver to 77-61 overall record. The first time Herm Edwards went 4-12, he was out of that job at season's end, the New York Jets front office having decided that playing to win the game only four times was insufficient. Edwards is coming off his second season of duplicate numbers, a miracle-laden playoff berth in between making his debut in Kansas City seem semi-acceptable. Strangely, Shanahan averages a divisional-finishing-spot average of 2.3, while Edwards isn't too far behind with a 2.6. Factors of interest in that statistical category include the following: Two of Shanahan's coaching years were with Oakland, where he fell one game shy of .500 one year, and parted ways with Al Davis' club only four games into the next. While leading the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets, Edwards-led teams never finished better than 10-6, but had to compete with the rising dynasty of the Patriots twice a year in each of those seasons. I post neither statement as an excuse of any sort, simply interest.

Looking forward, it has been theorized within this very House that the Jay Cutler Experiment could be Shanahan's last hurrah as the main man in the mile-high city. That is, if Cutler turns out to be the quarterback he's expected to become, Shanahan could be driving the Bronco chariot until they run out of Lombardi trophies to hand him, or until he smokes/tans himself into bottom-of-the-bag potato chip dust, whichever happens first. Should the trials of Young No. 6 go sour, Shanahan could be urged to step down, or promoted to the front office, or offered to have his mansion paid for so that he may run for office, however it happens out there.

(Note: In Kansas City, things go down differently. When it's time to part ways with our Chiefs coaches, we tend to only know how to do things one way, the classy way. As Chiefs fans, we would never can a guy who might lead a team to four consecutive Super Bowl appearances. If we did, though, we would certainly never replace that guy with somebody that's frighteningly underqualified to coach at the professional level. Were we to make such a mistake, we would almost never fire him and replace him with his special teams coordinator. In the event of such a mistake, I know the Chiefs would never employ an only-great-in-the-regular-season, waitress-banging, bespectacled man, or fire that guy and promote his defensive coordinator only to fire that DC via the Internet and bring in a sextegenarian, and listen to him retire. Again.)

And in Kansas City, Edwards could very well, much to the chagrin of many Chiefs fans, have a looser leash. This year will be the big test for Brodie Croyle. Many say it has already happened, said exam returned with many a red mark. Edwards got the defense respectably turned around in the last two seasons, and he's had some ups and downs at the quarterback and running back positions. Perhaps the Chiefs have developed a fleck of a receiving corps to whom Croyle can throw, and perhaps his protection won't look like a drunken attempt at musical linemen. It's possible that Kansas City could win more than six games, and give ownership reason to extend the regime of Edwards. I said possible, not probable.

What's also possible is that, for the first time since the mid 80s, the Kansas City Chiefs are looking at not selling out this season's home contests, all but guaranteeing a local television blackout for December games. In the past couple of years, local networks have scooped up the remnants, knowing that costs will underweigh the great ratings return. This year, an inside source says it's not looking so good. Be it the once-lauded greatest home-field advantage, or the perennial playoff team, Chiefs fans want change, and they want it now. I imagine the same can be said in the high country, which translates to the one commonality between Kansas City fans and aficionados of Bronco: winning.

Well, that and embarrassing the Raiders, maiming the Chargers, pissing on the Colts, and trying to kill Tom Brady. But mostly winning.
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Tradition Tuesday: Scoping the Choncosphere: 3-25-2008

Welcome back for only the second another installment of "Scoping the Choncosphere", where the House of Georges takes a peek at what's goin' down in both Bronco Country and Chiefs Nation. This feature always promises breaking news headlines, professional and objective scopes, and, if we can help it, a few chuckles, even if they are in reaction to the first half of this sentence. We are, nevertheless, here to bring you the scoop on Chiefs/Broncos football, and that's what we aim to do, even if we do it in the form of a link dump. The drill, as it's come to be known, unfolds after the jump. Enjoy.

Where to start, o where to start with the Orange and Blue. I suppose we'll start with the most straight-forward bit, a scoop we're clearly the first to break, as no other sporting agent has yet to report on it. Someone, an offensive lineman who I used to know as Casey Wiegmann -- he's dead to me now, though -- has taken pen to paper, and done the impermissible. What a jackass. That is, way to piss away seven solid seasons, to only be now recognized as a nothing.

Elsewhere in Bronco news, the former Mrs. Horse-Faced Colts Draft has sold some acreage to La Familia Raton. And, it is, allegedly, a doozy, both in terms of the transaction, and the estate that will be. Apparently, Janet, Miss Nasty if you're lucky, was awarded the lot as part of the divorce settlement, while Tanahan's wife Peggy, has some elaborate plans for the homestead:

It includes three Jacuzzis, an 80-square-foot steam room, a 108-square-foot sauna, a 2,299-square-foot heated garage, a 2,100-square-foot swimming pool, a 165-square-foot hot tub. It was built in 2000 and has slate mission tile on the roof.

Two buildings are on the land, one with three bedrooms and six fireplaces; the other with two bedrooms.

The first building has 7,733 square feet, a 7,272-square-foot open porch, a 2,857-square-foot terrace and a 2,353-square-foot wood balcony. The second home has 1,089 square feet.

Also in the plans for the 35,000-square-foot home in the posh Cherry Hills Village suburb are a bowling alley, a poker room, a video-golf room and a kids' arcade. It will have at least six bedrooms, including a master suite with his-and-hers closets. That story embodies cute. And by "cute," I of course mean this. I'm sure these plans are totally unrelated to Uncle Mike's firing of the Broncos' decision to let GM Ted Sundquist go.

In slightly less-gay, more hilariousish Denver Bronco news, is the agility/athleticism of wide receiver Brandon Marshall. For those who haven't read the news, Marshall allegedly slipped on a McDonald's to go back, put his arm through the glass of an entertainment center, and, uh, got a boo boo that will leave him in a cast for two weeks.

Uh. Yeah. That and some post-touchdown snow throwing will get you 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct/being a total 'tard. Nice work, B-Marsh. This sort of injury doesn't sound familiar to me at all.

In Chiefs news, Herm Edwards is claiming -- without claiming -- that there's been some tampering going on. I suppose he's irked because, after 10 picks in the upcoming draft, Kansas City apparently needs to tack on an additional 20. Good thing for Herm there's no roster limit for the Chiefs. Oh, and good thing he's never been accused of tampering himself. Sorry, Cecil, for the PK link.

Elsewhere in Chiefs news, Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham will also take on the responsibility of coaching the linebackers. Logistically speaking, I have no idea what this might mean. Historically, the Chiefs had a stellar D when Gun had a more hands-on role as DC. Ultimately, the one truth I can give you is that the more power you give this feisty old codger, the more sheer entertainment you're going to get, in one form or another.

Finally, Herm has told the papers that the Chiefs will strongly consider selecting a quarterback in next month's draft, which of course would mean Kansas City really puts the youth-movement stamp on their roster and enters the season with three under-25 QBs. Yikes.

And that's a wrap. I now turn the readership loose, free and able to scour the CyberSpaces for Chiefs/Broncos news not broken here on the HoG.
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Mikey and His Donkeys Continue Shanahananigans, Get 'W'

Last year, for the Broncos' home opener, Old No. 7 and I -- in true Tradition fashion -- retreated from our upper-level seats as the week-two contest between Denver and the Chiefs went to overtime. The game, in total, had been a bit of a mindf**k, as both clubs seemed destined to play a ground-control, clock-eating, smashmouth type of football game. At the end of regulation, our clubs, both 0-1, eyed a scoreboard that lacked any touchdowns; the match was set at six a piece. Surprise was a common element to this game, as Damon Huard, in his first NFL start in six years, had looked poised in the pocket, Jason Elam had missed a rare field goal, and the Chiefs had shut out the Broncos in the first half. Week two of the 2007 campaign looked a little different for the Chiefs as they stared defeat square in the eyes during the waning fourth-quarter moments of yesterday's game against Chicago at Soldier Field. Not so much, though, for the Broncos.

For the second consecutive week, the Broncos, despite impressive total yardage numbers had mustered a point total that didn't match their offensive output. Another week-two division rival, this time young Lane Kiffin's Raiders, held the Broncos notched at a tie score. Only this time, the winners of the coin toss aimed to put this Michael Vick castoff of a dog, out of its misery.

Make no mistake, Sebastian Janikowski is a weird dude. He's also a pretty decent field goal kicker. His overtime/game-winning numbers are no special feat, but little pressure has been placed on any member of the silver and black in recent memory, so why wouldn't he nail a GW 52-yarder in the Mile High city? He would. And he did. Game over. Raiders 23, Broncos 20. But wait. Stop the presses.

Your final score from AmVesCoCap: Denver 23, Oakland 20. Huh? How'd that happen? I'll tell you how.

Mike Shanahan has never needed to give football fans any more reasons than he already has given to further the case against him that he is a weaselly, conniving manipulator of the rules who will stop at nothing to giving his team the advantage -- rule book or not --, but that doesn't stop him from giving them. In a week filled with finger pointing and allegations, Denver's head coach pulls the trigger on a violation of integrity no worse than anything that has come out of Foxboro in the last seven days.

Hold your horses, Bronco Nation. I know. We all want to win. We'll do anything we can to scrap and fight for a W each and every week. The difference is, that we do it within the confines of the way the game is set up to be played. Sure. I'll agree. The overtime formula sucks. It's a rotten feeling to watch your opponent line up for an OT game winner when your offense hasn't even touched the ball. But you know what? Those are the chips and sometimes you have to just let them fall.

What Shanahan got away with on Sunday is universes removed from icing the kicker. Ultimately, he nullified the play that cost him the game because, as I'm sure lovers of all things predominantly orange will say, he was "wise" enough to call that time out -- the seconds of which his club did not even use for strategical/recuperation purposes -- at just the right moment. There's another word for tactics like that. It's been thrown around a lot in the last quarter month. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called "cheating."

That's right. I said it. What? You don't like that one? Fine. How about the one the Associated Press is using in its headlines today? Skullduggery. Never heard of it? Allow me.

skull*dug*egery, n. dishonorable or deceitful behavior.

That's what the ol' dictionary says. Know what else? I look up "cheating" in the thesaurus, and that entry goes a little something like this:

cheating, n. lying, defrauding, deceiving; see DECEPTION, DISHONESTY.

Just like that, caps and all.

What Mike Shanahan pulled in overtime on Sunday is dishonorable and deceitful behavior, a topic about which he's well on the way to writing a best-selling novel. I'm aware that Janikowski doinked his "second attempt." That's all part of the ingenious plan, right? And yes, it would've been poetic justice for him to drain it, or for the Raiders to confine Jay Cutler and Travis Henry on the ensuing possession and neither one of those things happened. So chalk one up for the gipper. Hoot. Holler. Honk your horn. The Broncos have respectfully put themselves in first place in the AFC West. Good times. Read more

Tradition Tuesday: (not so) Stand-up Guys on the End

The rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs (heralded by Bankmeister) and the Denver Broncos (championed by Cecil and Old No. 7). It may seem unfair that it's two versus one, but once KC gets that second Super Bowl win we'll even out the delegation.

Seven years ago we started The Tradition, in which Bronco fans travel out to the Truman Sports Complex with their team, and Chef-lovers return to the Rocky Mountains with theirs. We tailgate, we talk massive amounts of shit, our wives are occasionally assaulted by rival fans, and we almost always watch the visiting team lose. It's grand old time.

Here at the HoG, we're going to keep The Tradition going with Tradition Tuesday--a weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.

It's no secret that, around the National Football League these days, commissioner Roger Goodell is trying to import a global model of appropriate behavior to which the players in his league must adhere. Given these athletes' track record over the last 20 years (a span in which media coverage has exposed their behaviors to the public 1000 times more than any previous era), it comes as no surprise to the House of Georges that both the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos will each open the 2007-08 campaign shy a defense end. Good times.

And by good times I mean that pisses me the eff off.



Most teams are going to put forth some effort to field a decent offense, right? As crappy as the Arizona Cardinals and Detroit Lions have been over the years, they've at least sort of tried to put a decent quarterback, a solid running back and some dudes that can catch the ball out on the field. Naturally, teams want to have a fierce offensive line and a defense without any holes in it, but those two animals are a bit trickier in that they involve a unit/squad mentality and arguably more in-depth scouting.

Let's say a team assembles an O-line, and the defense is a work in progress, much like the Ds of the two coveted HoG clubs. Settle down, Bronco Nation. I'm not comparing the Chiefs defense of 2000-2004 to anything orange and blue. I only posit that our Ds have been less than desirable in the big picture.

Now, the Broncos, under the astute leadership of that cheese-loving tanning booth champion, have made more admirable, more consistently intelligent strides in compiling a championship defensive squadron. They've brought in relatively quality lineman and linebackers, and when those guys haven't panned out, they've replaced them with other quality players. Denver has only needed to do patchwork in their secondary since the Champ Bailey trade, and, without seeming crass, one could argue that the loss of the late Darrent Williams was a blessing in disguise; the Broncos were able to replace a semi-quality player with another of higher caliber and larger overall talent.

The Chiefs' story is a bit different. They've had three coaching changes since Shanahananigans took over in Denver, and coach three is only now entering his second season. One might say he inherited one of the league's all-time worst defenses. They were on the mend, granted, but still extremely not good. A flustrated Herm Edwards (Editor's Note: He never watches football games or gives away pages to his playbook to lifelong "buddies" on gameday eve) immediately added age beef to the cornerback end of things, while youthening up the safeties and exchanging mediocre defensive linemen with other mediocre defensive linemen.His efforts to improve the linebacker scenario have had flashes of intelligence, but they're still a work in progress. The one bright star of his debut as head honcho was his first draft, in which the Chiefs selected a nice defensive end with their first overall pick, a selection made to establish the proverbial book ends on the D-line.

That's all fine and well, unless the already-existing end of books likes to consume adult beverages and not use some of his excess American dollars by calling a cab/having an entourage member drive him around. Sounds like the behaviors of a Nebraska "talent" who once wore #44 for the Chiefs. On the other side of Kanorado, you have a free-agent defensive-end acquistion who hasn't discovered the proper methods of covering up juicing. Soundslike this group of athletes. It remains true, though, that even with predecessors, models for how not to do things, in place, learning the lesson can indeed be hard.

We (and when I say "we," I don't mean to include Old No. 7 and/or Cecil) here at the HoG believe that the AFC West title is up for grabs between the Broncos and the Chiefs. Sure. Throw the Chargers in the mix, but Norv Turner is like, from Cleveland or something. Bad times. And the Raiders are, well, the Raiders. My question is this: If the road to the playoffs (playoffs?) only goes through the division title holder, how can you let yourself get suspended for a fucking quarter of the season?

Answer: You can't.

Thus, I have the solution for these two non-fine examples of appropriate off-field behavior.
Jared Allen -- two DUIs. For real, dude? Two? Even I am not dumb enough to drive around drunk in your crime-free-let's-look-for-drunk-drivers-and-drunk-drivers-only neighborhood, and I drive drunk all the time. Difference is, if I get busted, I have to answer to my wife, which is only slightly worse than having to answer to Carl Peterson, Herm Edwards and a rabid, high-expectation-having fan base. Come on, Idaho State. Pay someone to drive for you.






Kenny Peterson -- anabolic steroids and related substances? I'm not sure which offense is worse. Didn't you have enough bad examples rollin' around with you at Ohio State? Barry Bonds just called and said, "Knock that shit off, kid." All the performance-enhancing-substance experts claim that the maskers are always one step ahead of the testers. Get with the program.



Time's a-wastin', fellas. I suggest you tear out of the tunnel in week five and really impress your teammates, fans and coaches. Lucky for the both of yas, the HoG staff will be ready to pelt you with empty Pabst cans and slightly used syringes. Jackasses.


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Tradition Tuesday: Just Weight Until Training Camp

Editor's Note: This post is also featured on the new Broncos blog Predominantly Orange. And yes, that is lazy as sin and a total corporate synergistic douche move. Blow me.

The Broncos' addition of erstwhile Rams defensive lineman Jimmy Kennedy pushes the team's focus there from substantial to borderline silly. If you go back to last week's PO post on the DT position, I'd say Kennedy slots in somewhere beneath projected starters Warren and Adams and Thomas as the talented project, but above journeymen Veal and McKinley. He's got some game (former first-round pick) yet he continuously underperformed for St. Louis (they only required a conditional sixth-rounder for his services).

In his first extensive interview since joining the Broncos, Kennedy blamed his malaise in The Lou on frequent changes in defensive coordinators and schemes, injury and lack of opportunity. He said he saw the writing on the wall when the Rams drafted Adam Carriker in the first round of this year's draft and is happy to be with an organization that appreciates his skill set.

Can someone please find Mr. Kennedy a tissue? I'm sure those years of playing for idiots like Lovie Smith and Jim Haslett, both former Coaches of the Year, were miserable. This is pretty much the standard line we've heard from every vet that's been sucked into Coach Shanahan's vortex--the proof will be in the pudding, and the pudding will be Kennedy's play on the field.

One thing I liked about the Legwold piece was reinforcing the Jim Bates desire for big uglies at the DT position, "occupiers" that in theory create more opportunity for playmakers at linebacker and on the edge rush. At 330, Kennedy can certainly "occupy." But he's also a tremendous athlete who can make plays on his own. Should he buy into the Bates Doctrine I could see a successful marriage of scheme and raw ass-kicking ability.

So welcome to Denver, Jimmy. Don't hang out with any Nuggets just yet, that's a quick way to make the police blotter or worse. Just get to one of the dozens of minicamp OTAs between now and Labor Day and find yourself a spot on that big ol' D-Line.

Second Editor's Note: The term "occupiers" as it pertains to defensive tackles is a registered trademark of the House of Georges and may not be co-opted by Adam Schefter with out the express written consent of our legal counsel, Cecil. And since we can't get Cecil to write a blog post, good luck getting a permission slip, Schef. Although we can work something out in exchange for a few songs at The Opera.

Third Editor's Note: We make no political statement about the situation in the Middle East with the registered trademark "occupiers," either. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali, we ain't got no quarrel with no Al-Qaeda, no Al-Qaeda ever called us crackers, or something. All we care about are football and boobs, and it's offseason for football. Read more

Suddenly, I Love ESPN (Update: No, I Don't)

Just as I was doing "research" on my post skewering ESPN for fucking up summer, they run a huge item on their web site reminding me of a great awesome event that will happen in half an hour.

Seriously, who else makes such a big deal about an event like this? It was not in my morning newspaper, and none of the retards I saw at the coffee shop told me. The release of the schedule alway just sort of happens, and it's the only momentous sports item that flies beneath the radar.

It means the world to fans like me. I live a day's drive away from the nearest NFL stadium, so when and where certain teams are going to play dictates my entire fall itinerary. It's huge, and I appreciate that the four-letter beast reminded me of it.

Of course, the NFL Draft was also once a little underappreciated event for hardcore geeks that ESPN totally overhyped and ruined. So enjoy it for now.

(Update: ESPN fucking lied, as usual. The NFL Schedule is the exclusive property of the NFL Network for the next hour, as they're broadcasting a show about it. Think CBS, and their NCAA bracket show. So please wait for sixty minutes with your dicks in your hands, courtesy of ESPN. God I fucking hate those guys right now.)

(Second update: NFL.com claims to have a link to the show, but it doesn't work. Fuck them too. Figure skating doesn't treat its fans like this.)

(Third update: ESPN announced its MNF schedule, and some douche is chatting about it. All the questions are about the full schedule--because who the fuck cares about MNF anymore?--and Douche is prattling on about the Bills or something.)

(Fourth update: NFL.com has the schedule up, finally, fifteen minutes after promised. That's a quarter of an hour I'll never get back. Broncos schedule here.)

(Fifth update: I have no idea why it's jamming these paragraphs together like this. Blame this guy. I'm honestly hitting Return twice.)

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Broncos Weight Down Cheerleader Tryouts

In an effort to remain atop the classiest of the classy AFC franchises, the Denver Broncos opted to broaden requirements for potential cheerleaders. In the past, potential Colorado cuties had been subject to extreme physical stipulations, provisions that often times left the franchise beneath a lens of ethical scrutiny. HoG found this noble gesture to be so moving, we asked Head Coach Mike Shanahananigan to sit down with us for what we like to call a "Mile-High Chat."


HoG: Coach, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. We know you're a busy little rodent guy, so let's get right down to business. We understand that you were a big advocate of -- how shall we say this -- widening the competition.

MS: Just because something’s in the newspaper or something’s on a so-called channel does not mean that I said it or someone within the organization said it.

HoG: Uh, coach...isn't that like, one of your go-to press conference lines that you use with the Denver media?

MS: Sorry. What was the question?

HoG: The tryouts, coach. Weren't you a big advocate for implementing this change?

MS: What are you trying to say? That I'm not a likeable guy?

HoG: No, coach. The opposite actually.

MS: Well, of course. He got someone...(pauses to compose self) very special in...(long pause)...

HoG: Uh, coach -- what are you talking about? Cheerleaders. Focus

MS: I know, I know. I'm stunned and deeply saddened by this tragedy.

HoG: The tryout changes?

MS: No. Of course not. I'm talking about not having Johnny on the team. I'm so proud of him.

HoG: For what? Winning Super Bowl MVP? Coach, that was nine years ago. You're concerning me. Have you been sticking to your doctor-regimented tanning bed hour maximum? Jesus. (turns to cameraman) Is he fucked up? His face looks redder than normal. Is that...? Is he slobbering? Look how glassy his eyes are.

MS: (drools)...Mmm...tanning beds...cigarettes...Jameson with a splash of Dewar's. Or is it Dewar's with a splash of Jameson? Fuck.




HoG: Alright, let's skip the cheerleader segment. How does your Player Personnel Department feel about the upcoming draft?

MS: Yes.

HoG: 'Scuse me?

MS: Of course. We're very excited about trying to get Mo' Clo' back on the team.

HoG: Coach, I think he's in the slammer right now.

MS: Never under-estimate the power of the Shanster, compadre.

HoG: Can you tell us anything about your team, coach?

MS: Ha. Bly. Stokley. Henry. What's to tell? Don't forget Jay and Champ and Rod. We are going to totally fucking dominate. After we take over the division, the conference, the league, and the nation, our next immediate goal will be specific regions of Central America. Yeeeeee-haw! You best back the fuck up!

HoG: You seem pretty fired up, coach. What gives you the edge and the confidence?

MS: Are you serious? Have you seen the competition? Once I mow over that junior high kid coaching Al's club, then there's Norv Turner -- are you kidding me with this shit? Norv Turner? -- and Tony Dungy's bunkmate out there in Missou-rah, I'll just club old W. over the head, stuff John Fox in Javon's trunk, and I'll be storming Panama before anyone can fucking stop me.

HoG: You're going to put the head coach of the Carolina Panthers in your wide out's SUV?

MS: No, dumbshit. The president of Mexico.

HoG: Coach, that's Vicente Fox.

MS: Whatever. Let's wrap this up. I got a tanning appointment in 30.

HoG: You got it. How do you feel about the play of your quarterback in his upcoming sophomore season?

MS: Well, technically it'll be his first season as a starter.

HoG: Right. Of course.

MS: That kid's gonna tear it up. He gets the finest (does joint-smoking gesture, offers fake snarf) cheeba in town. We good?

HoG: Absolutely, coach. Thanks for your time.

MS: Don't thank me. Thank the front office (points aggressively at self) for getting that ass clown out of here on the first bus to Tampa. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a (offers finger quotes) marathon to run.

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