Conversations on the Corner: The AL East

At last. The moment we've all been waiting for: the final installment of "Conversations on the Corner," the House of Georges' six-part attempt to see just how much Major League Baseball first basemen really know about one another. The idea stemmed from that warm-and-fuzzy, yet peculiar feeling we all get when a baserunner reaches first and proceeds to chat it up his opponent's first baseman. (Editor's Note: Today we actually plan to touch on that.) Who better to ask about guys around the league, especially first basemen, than first basemen. If today's piece, an in-depth look at the American League East (Note: For those that don't know, said division includes the Rays, Yanks, Jays, O's, and BoSox), proves stimulating, feel free to further the reading pleasure by devouring our previous efforts: the NL East, the NL West, the NL Central, the AL West, and the AL Central. Today's guest panelist is none other than Boston Red Sox glover Kevin Youkilis. Check out what the goateed one had to say, a small jump away.

Bankmeister: K-Y -- many thanks to you for being with us today.
Kevin Youkilis: Not a problem. And you can call me 'Youk.'
B: Uh, I'd prefer to save that tag for the guy that has earned it, but for the purposes of this interview, you bet. So, Youk, interesting start for the clubs in your division. If these first few weeks of baseball are any kind of post-season indication, it would appear that you guys'll run away with the division. It'd even be a possibility that the wildcard wouldn't come from the East.
KY: I know, but we've got a lot of tough teams, regardless of their record, in our division. Hell, Baltimore jumped up and surprised everyone out of the gates.
B: True indeed. You surprised that Toronto has managed to stay neck-and-neck with the Yankees?
KY: No, not really. I mean, the Yankees have to face us about three zillion times a season, so the Jays have that working in their favor.
B: Good point. Since you bring it up, and since nobody really knows for sure, how many times a year do Boston and New York face each other these days?
KY: Shoot. Last I heard it was something like 114.
B: Wow. That barely leaves enough games for to have a series with everyone else in the league, let alone inter-league play.
KY: I know, but...
B: But the networks eat it up?
KY: Next question.
B: Fair enough. Let's stick with your club for now. You've logged 20 games this year, but Sean Casey is right behind you with 13. What's going on there? I mean, you're not that much younger than him. Is it safe to say that you're wrangling the job away from the guy?
KY: Well, I don't think that's fair. We've got a lot of good bats in our lineup, though, and you've got to consider where the DH role comes into play.
B: Isn't David Ortiz usually the designated hitter?
KY: Yeah, but Terry does like to mix it up a good deal.
B: I see. If you run down the stats, though, you're the clear-cut number one first baseman on the depth chart. Where does that leave Casey?
KY: There're a lot of places you could plug him in.
B: Like?
KY: Like, I dunno. That's not really my place. Suffice it to say, though, that he's a good role model for the club to have--
B: A good presence in the dugout and locker room?
KY: Yeah. How'd you know I was going to say that?
B: Lucky guess, I suppose. Anyway, your guys' pitching has been pretty lights out thus far. Surprised?
KY: Not at all. Our rotation's just as solid as our roster.
B: How quaint. As we mentioned, the Orioles have had a great start, and they're only two games back right now. Curiously, they've got a similar situation going on at first base where Aubrey Huff has logged 17 games, and Kevin Millar has only two more. Neither one is significantly producing at the plate. What do you suppose is going on there?
KY: Well, I can't really say. I suppose Dave Trembley is trying to keep the competition even keel. Eventually, someone has to emerge as the go-to guy, especially if you're looking to make a post-season push.
B: Or...
KY: (pauses) Or what?
B: Or, they both suck equally, and they call someone up from the farm system.
KY: I don't know about that.
B: I do. Isn't it true that, while on first, you've talked to both of them about how much they suck?
KY: (laughs) No. Not at all.
B: Hmm. You never said "Aubrey -- you suck so bad that Eddie Murray's warming up in the bullpen?"
KY: (grimaces, scowls) No. That's retarded.
B: I see. And you never told Kevin Millar that (holds up scribble-ridden scrap of paper) "if Rafael Palmeiro knew what a horrid stick you swung, he wouldn't be able to get it up, even with a double dose of Viagra?"
KY: (squints and frowns) Who are you...? (lunges for scrap) Gimme that!
B: Relax. I'm just tryin' to get your sockies in a bunch.
KY: Jesus, dude. That's not funny.
B: Uh, yeah it was. The Orioles, nevertheless, have their work cut out for them if they want to stay competitive through the summer and into the fall. Those whacky Toronto Blue Jays, have platooned the first-base action between Lyle Overbay and crazy Canadian Matt Stairs. Overbay's logged a few more games, but Stairs has put up some mildly better numbers. Same scenario there?
KY: Yeah. They're just trying to feel out who the main guy on the bag will be. And they will.
B: I've always known Stairs to be a good utility guy, someone that can be plugged in at first, or DH, or the outfield if need be. Overbay, on the other hand, has almost always been a first baseman. You think Stairs wins the job?
KY: I don't. Not to take anything away from Matt, but the Baltimore front office really doesn't like Canadians.
B: Huh?
KY: Ha-ha. Got you. I think they'll stick with Lyle, though. Stairs, like you said, has many uses, and they'll do their best to get them out of him.
B: You know, in the off-season, Stairs lives, much like the HoG's Lone Reader used to, in Bangor, where they like to say things like, "Bang-or? Hardly knew 'er!"
KY: (stares blankly) I don't get it.
B: Nevermind. The one thing I know about Overbay, is that he broke three bones in his hand last year after getting hit by a pitch. And he had to go on the DL for that!
KY: And?
B: Well, the wily Stairs, given his Canadian grit and hockey-oriented toughness, would've stuck it out a la Jose Guillen.
KY: That sounds pretty presumptious.
B: (stares blankly) I don't get it.
KY: You said--
B: I know. I know. I'm messin' with you. Anyway, if Overbay or Stairs gets on base this evening, they'll likely chat with Carlos Pena. Or Eric Hinske. Or Dan Johnson. They all play first base for the Tampa Bay Rays. What the devil is going on there?
KY: Well, I haven't explored their depth chart, but I think Johnson is a young guy they're going to experiment with this year. The competition between Pena and Hinske, however, is likely the same as the other situations we've discussed.
B: Maybe the front office is trying to bedevil the fans.
KY: What does that mean?
B: Nothing, really. I'll bet by the time they figure out who their guy is, though, it'll be hot as the devil down there.
KY: Yeah. It always is down in Florida.
B: True. Makes you think twice about bringing deviled eggs to the game.
KY: Uh, yeah. I guess.
B: You think this club'll get things turned around this season?
KY: Well, they've got newish ownership, and some of the pieces are in place. They very well could. They really need to stay healthy to compete in this division, though.
B: True, and I hate to play devil's advocate, but if they don't stay healthy, do they stand a chance?
KY: Of course. Everyone stands a chance. It's a tough stretch, though, if you wind up with a lot of young guys in there.
B: True. Especially since the less-experienced guys are prone to keep later hours, and wind up involved in devilment.
KY: Yeah. It can go that way.
B: I've even heard stories of kids on their minor-league rosters spiking devil's food cake with booze and whatnot.
KY: I don't know anything about that.
B: Fair enough. Well, K-Y, I think that's about it. Again, thanks for your time.
KY: Not a problem.
B: Good luck this season. Oh, shit. We forgot about the Yankees. Okay, real quick: still another team that doesn't know who their right-side glover will be. You've got Shelley Duncan, the youngster, who's only logged two games.
KY: Sweet name, (makes fluttering, prancing movements) Shelley.
B: Indeed. Then there's Morgan Ensberg, who's gotten the nod six times. He's been solid in the past, but is obviously facing competition.
KY: Total ass clown.
B: Right. And finally, there's Jason Giambi. He's started 15 times, but has absolutely sucked at the plate.
KY: Donkey-raping shit-eater.
B: Okay. There you have it. Safe to say that you guys take the East and the Yanks are the wildcard again?
KY: Sure. If you're a moron.
B: Hmm. Who takes it then? The wildcard, that is.
KY: I'd say it's either Cleveland or Baltimore, maybe Oakland.
B: Really? No faith in the other Sox?
KY: Nah. They'll crumble. Bunch o' has beens.
B: Bold. But I like it. Thanks again.
KY: You bet.

And that's a wrap on this not-at-all time-consuming six-part series. Tune in next week when we do the same with catchers around the bigs in a feature we're calling "Squatters Behind the Diamond." Or we won't.
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Conversations on the Corner: The AL Central

Welcome, one. Welcome, all, to our fifth installment of "Conversations on the Corner." Our editing team was interested in just how well Major League Baseball's first basemen know one another, and -- when they're on base -- if they're talkin' shop, or about the next day off's round of golf. Earlier in the series, we visited with the Cubs' Derek Lee and the Rockies' Todd Helton regarding the National League East here. The Padres' Adrian Gonzalez spoke with us about the NL West here. Cardinals' first baseman Albert Pujols broke down the NL Central here, and most recently, Seattle Mariners' glover Richie Sexson put the American League West under the lens here. Today, with the help of Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau, we dig into the first-base side of the AL Central. Our discussion with him, after the jump.

Bankmeister: Mr. Morneau -- with the major league schedule in full effect, we're grateful that you would take time out of a now seldom-seen day off to chat with us. Thanks so much.
Justin Morneau: (nods)Not a problem. Thanks for having me.
B: First off, I gotta ask: What's with the towel? You thinking of auditioning for the role of Emporer in the new Star Wars television series?
JM: There's going to be a Star Wars TV series?
B: Yes. It's going to feature all MLB players. So far, they've cast Bartolo Colon as Jabba the Hut and Milton Bradley as Bubba Fett. Word is that David Ortiz is in the running to win the role as Chewbacca, while Derek Jeter is slated to play Princess Leia.
JM: For real?
B: Yes. You should have your agent look in to it. If the towel doesn't work out for you, maybe you can get in as C-3P0.
JM: Wow. That's awesome. Who's playing Darth Vader?
B: David Stern.
JM: Weird.
B: I know. Anyway, you've made quite a name for yourself in the AL Central as of late: AL MVP two years ago, and All-Star appearance, some post-season action. You think your success will continue into this season?
JM: I certainly hope so. Most importantly, I'd like to contribute to the success of my team. Our division looks tougher than ever this year, and we've got to notch some more wins.
B: True indeed. The Central should be a dog fight. Let's break down your counterparts, starting with Carlos Guillen of the Detroit Tigers.
JM: Well, there're a lot of expectations for that club this year. They've got that stacked payroll, and a lot of big sticks in their lineup. Hopefully Carlos won't feel too much pressure in terms of staying competitive with his teammates.
B: Right, but you don't want him to be too good. At least not when he visits the Twin Cities.
JM: (laughs) Nor when we visit the Motor City.
B: Let's talk about that cursed last name: Guillen.
JM: What do you mean?
BM: Well, Justin -- I think it's pretty obvious, and even weirder now that the three main Guillens are all in the same division. Carlos had his drinking-and-driving episode a few years back when he was with Seattle. Jose, now with Kansas City, has that "locker room cancer" label attached to him, and obviously, there was his ordeal with Mike Scioscia a couple years ago. And of course, there's Cuckoo-for-Cocoa Puffs Ozzie over in Chicago.
JM: Um...I'm not even touching that one.
B: Fair enough. The Cleveland Indians. Ryan Garko. Go.
JM: Well...aren't you going to ask me a question about him?
B: Of course. What do you suppose the weekly over/under is on Donnie Darko references for him?
JM: Huh?
B: Nevermind. Since we were talking about being cursed, how do you suppose a guy must feel being a native of the home of pedophiles/pierogies, and employed in a city that Jesus obviously doesn't love?
JM: Banky, that makes zero sense to me, whatsoever.
B: That's okay. We won't hold it against you.
JM: Hold what against me?
B: Let's just say it's not your fault that you're completely unfamiliar with the world of slightly unprofessional sports blogging.
JM: And this has what to do with first basemen?
B: Everything. But anyway, the Tribe is struggling. Last year's AL Cy Young winner can't seem to pitch his way out of a torn teepee, and their power hitters are, uh, not looking all that powerful thus far.
JM: Well, they've got some guys who are hitting for power.
B: But not much. The most consistency they're getting is coming from their catcher.
JM: Hey -- it's a long season. It's early. They'll pull it together, you know?
B: Yes, Justin. I know. How about you guys? Obviously, you're not doing bad with 10 runs batted in and five long balls already.
JM: I could be much better. We as a team could be much better. And we'll get there.
B: How's Boof doing?
JM: Boof? He's great. One of the strongest starts I've seen from him.
B: You ever consider legally changing your name to something that slangly implies copulation?
JM: Uh, no.
B: Very good. As of today, you guys are tied with the Kansas City Royals for second place in the division. That surprise you?
JM: To be honest, not really. Obviously, we see them a lot, and they played some really good ball in the middle-to-late part of last season. They should continue to play decent baseball, especially if they keep getting good starts out of their pitchers.
B: How about the bats on that team?
JM: They've improved. For sure. Their coaching staff needs to keep doing whatever they're doing and they'll stay competitive.
B: How textbook. What about this kid Billy Butler?
JM: Billy's got an incredible swing. I haven't really gotten to know him much, but he seems to have a lot of promising attributes in him.
B: Royals' manager Trey Hillman has, on occasion, been starting Butler at first as of late, but the skipper has repeatedly stated how much of a Ross Gload fan he is. Is that troubling for a manager?
JM: No. Not at all. You want to have more than one guy competitive at each position. Ross is a leader, he swings a consistent bat, and he'll only be challenged all the more with a guy like Billy waiting to take his job.
B: What if Hillman morphed the two?
JM: What do you mean?
B: I mean, what if he went all Dr. Frankenstein, and say, made a Boss Gutler, or a Rilly Bload?
JM: (chuckles) That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
B: It could happen, Justin. We'll save that for some other time, though. In first, and perhaps surprising everyone, are Ozzie's White Sox. Talk about Paul Konerko.
JM: Obviously, Paul's a veteran. He's a guy that the younger guys on the club look up to. He's got a championship under his belt, and when he gets hot, you've got to play him deep.
B: You've got to what?
JM: Play him deep. You know, expect the long ball out of the guy.
B: I'm confused. It sounds like you're trying to hit on him via this interview.
JM: (laughs again) No, dude. Homeruns. Power hitting.
B: Right. Justin -- how's being Canadian working out for you?
JM: I don't even know what that means.
B: Well, it's kind of a given that Canadians are, um not very well liked here in the states.
JM: This is the first I've heard of that.
B: Sure it is. You're a pretty Web savvy guy, right?
JM: Web savvy?
B: Yeah. You've got your Web page, your MySpace page, your Facebook site, etc.
JM: Yeah. I guess so.
B: So you spend all of this time in the Internet, and you've never felt threatened as a Canadian?
JM: Not once.
B: Interesting. Well, take it from me. It's out there. The hate, that is.
JM: Weird. I thought Canada was considered pretty benign.
B: Let's just say, I'd keep that little tidbit under wraps when you go to audition for the Star Wars show.
JM: Thanks for the advice.
B: Thank you, and good luck this season.

Check back tomorrow, as our AL East installment concludes the series. It should be stellar, as said division includes under-hyped teams like Boston and New York.

Update: I promise, with every ounce of journalistic integrity in me, I had no idea my colleague would be simultaneously bashing our northern neighbors. Swear.
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Conversations on the Corner: The AL West

"Conversations on the Corner" returns today, and this time it's bigger and badder than ever. Why? Because we're finally focusing on the American League, where good baseball occurs, and nobody pours sour diarrhea (Editor's Note: as opposed to the fresh and desirable variety), down the auditory canals about real baseball involving pitchers hitting, blah, blah, blah. In case any of our readers missed the NL installments, however, the East can be found here, the West here, and the Central here. I'm told they all make for enthrallingly fantastic reads. This feature was born from the idea that, after hitting singles, base runners frequently chat it up with their opponent's first basemen. It's almost always a warm, heartfelt, full-of-smiles experience to view. When placed under the scrutiny of intensely professional journalism -- something the House of Georges is prone to do more than daily on occasion -- however, it turns out these conversations on the corner are strictly for the camera; they're good P.R. moves, good for the kids. Today's investigation involves the American League West. The goodies on it, with the help of our good friend Richie Sexson, just after the jump.

Bankmeister: Richie -- we're stoked to have you with us today. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule.
Richie Sexson: Not a problem, Banky. Pleasure to be here.
B: Excellent. Mind if I call you Dick?
RS: Yes.
B: How 'bout Sex?
RS: Yes. I mind.
B: Sambora?
RS: Rich will be fine.
B: Fair enough, Richie. Will you say "Raul Ibanez" for me?
RS: Raul Ibanez.
B: Awesome. You're no Denny Matthews, but I won't hold it against you.
RS: O-Okay.
B: The American League West is a pretty exciting place to play baseball for any club not named the Texas Rangers. Remember when they only kind of sucked?
RS: I'll pass on commenting there.
B: Oh, come on. I mean, there's sucking the way the Detroit Tigers sucked to start off the season. There's sucking the way that televised car racing sucks, and then there's Texas Ranger suck. Kind of akin to Ryan Leaf suckdom. Admit it.
RS: It wouldn't be prudent...
B: Right. Might I remind you that they play in Texas.
RS: The professional thing--
B: And they're proud of that.
RS: Okay. They suck. Can we change subjects?
B: Sure. Just as soon as you're done telling us how much Ben Broussard, the Rangers' first baseman sucks.
RS: He's actually kind of good.
B: Kind of good? Come on. He's batting a cool .200 right now. That's good if your name is Joey Gathright.
RS: I mean, I don't think he'll be an MVP candidate, but he's still a pretty quality baseball player.
B: No he's not.
RS: I don't really want--
B: He moonlights as a singer/songwriter.
RS: Right. You're putting me in a--
B: He has his own Web site.
RS: It's--
B: With up-to-date pressers on himself.
RS: Us players kind of--
B: He was born in Texas.
RS: Alright, dude. Jesus. He sucks already.
B: Thank you. He does have three homeruns this year, but looking at the tape, each of them kind of sucked in their own Broussardish kind of way. Moving on, though, to teams that don't necessarily suck. We'll start with your Mariners.
RS: We definitely don't suck.
B: Will you say "Ibanez" again?
RS: Ibanez.
B: That's phenomenal.
RS: So you want me to talk about myself?
B: Not really. You could talk about your wife, though. She's pretty hot.
RS: How 'bout we leave my wife out of this?
B: Sounds like something you'd say in hostage negotiations, but that's fair. When'll Putz be back?
RS: Well, we're hopeful he'll be off the DL here in a few days, but he probably won't take over the closer role again for a couple of weeks.
B: Bummer. You feel good about your club's rotation thus far?
RS: Well, Jarrod's a workhorse, as is Miguel, and Felix has just been phenomenal. Also, Carlos Silva, you can't say enough about what an addition he's been for us.
B: Yeah. That guy's clearly devoted to only sucking when I have him on my fantasy team. But enough about you guys. Let's talk Oakland Athletics.
RS: You want me to talk about Daric Barton?
B: You could. I'd rather you talk about Mike Sweeney. Or better yet, shouldn't there be a limit to how many former Kansas City Royals can be on the roster of the former Kansas City baseball team? Sheesh. Sweeney, Emil Brown, Mark Ellis to an extent. Better still, how about a limit on how many Sweeneys you can have on your team?
RS: Right. That is pretty funny. No, but Barton though. He could have the stuff to be a great player, but he's young still. I think the jury's still out on him.
B: That was a pretty typical, generic answer. But moving on.
RS: Sorry.
B: That's cool. You can say Ibanez for me again. With flare this time.
RS: Eey-ban-yezzz!
B: There you go. The Oakland California Anaheim Los Angeles of Anaheim Los Anaheim Angels.
RS: Yes. Kind of our rivals. They've got a kid named Casey Kotchman manning the bag.
B: Indeed they do. Hell of a start for that guy.
RS: What's he got? Four homers already?
B: Yup. Battin' over .300, slugging higher than six. Think they'll ever call him Mighty Casey?
RS: Be pretty gay if they did.
B: Tou-che, my good man. Tou. Che. Who takes the West this year?
RS: Well, isn't every guy gonna say his own team?
B: Naturally.
RS: Ems, man. It's ours for the taking.
B: If you can hold off the Angels.
RS: If we-- No, dude. It's all ours.
B: Well, you do have the secret weapon on your side. Go ahead. Say it one last time. For the fans.
RS: Ibanez!
B: A job well done, my friend. Here (hands Sexson a bumper sticker that says "Mess With Texas"). Put this on your car. And, uh, tell the wife I said hello.



That's it for today. Check back in tomorrow, and by "tomorrow," I mean Monday, when we'll cover everyone's favorite AL Central.
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Conversations on the Corner: The NL Central

This, our latest endeavor to produce ongoing features stacked with staunch journalism and in-depth sports coverage, is "Conversations on the Corner," where we chat with a few Major League Baseball first basemen about their counterparts in the bigs. We've selected an assortment of glovers from each league, and they've pledged to help us breakdown the other first basemen in various divisions. It promises to be skewed, highly inacccurate, and include and a ton of material over which we'd like to not be accused of libel. So dig in. (Editor's Note: The HoG spared no expense in this project, so, if the inclination arises, don't stifle it. Donations can be sent in the form of multi-packs of Big League Chew, or in American dollars. Click here to inquire about the House of Georges corporate office/mailing headquarters.)

We launched this project two days ago, when we first broke down the National League East. That installment was followed by yesterday's scrutiny of the West, and today, we're inspecting the first basemen of the honorable National League Central. With us today is none other than Kansas City high school "native"/brother of Harry, Albert Pujols. Get a load of this exchange that went down just a few hours east on I-70. (Note: That's today's code for "the jump.")

Bankmeister: Al, how's it goin'? Off to another fine start this season. I mean, aside from the fact that the gayest professional baseball team in Missouri has squeaked out 11 wins already, you've got three long balls, a .367 batting average, and a .653 slugging percentage. Congratulations on such a phenomenal start.
Albert Pujols: There's another gay professional baseball team in Missouri?
B: Negative, Al.
AP: What about the K--
B: And, hey -- only four strikeouts, and an even .500 on-base percentage. Kudos, my little friend.
AP: (offers a semi-grin and flexes) I'll show you little, Banky.
B: I'm sure you will, Al. I'm sure you will. So, today, we're going to discuss your National League Central counterparts. And by that I mean the other guys in the division that also play first base.
AP: I got it. I might be from the projects, but I know what counterparts means.
B: (tilts shades down slightly) I thought you were from La Republica Dominicana, bro.
AP: I am. It's like Beverly Hills there compared to the projects known as the city of St. Louis, you know? (slaps Bankmeister on the back)
B: (coughs, inspects middle left rib cage for fractures, then shares chuckle with Pujols after "getting it.") Nice one. So the House of Georges spent some time with Derek Lee the other day. He seems to be a stand-up guy.
AP: Yeah, D-Lee's aces with me, Banky. We play each other lots, so you know, we kick it after the games with some viscious rounds of Bacci Ball and Hawaiian Punch.
(longish awkward silence ensues)
B: Come again? You play Bacci Ball and drink Hawaiian Punch with Derek Lee? Is that like, code for "Don't Spill the Dead Hooker Blood on Your Massive, HGH-Saturated Huevos?"
AP: Yo, lil' man, that ain't cool. You better not put that in your interview. I'm not down with the juice, bro.
B: I know. I won't. I was only messin' with you. Anyway, how about that Derek Lee? He seems like a pretty serious baller.
AP: Yeah. He's tight. Not his fault though, that I've got more homers than him in a third of the time playing. Not everyone's as gifted as numero cinco.
B: You got that right. George went yard like 317 times. I mean, D-Lee can certainly catch him, but it'll be a close race.
AP: Who's George?
B: Number five, dude.
AP: No.
B: No, what?
AP: (Dominican accent emerges) Alberto es numero cinco. Nadie mas.
B: Okay, Ricky. Settle down.
AP: Who's Ricky? Is that some kind of "I Love Lucy" reference? That's messed up.
B: Forget it. It's all good. Moving on, though. The at-one-time American League club known as the Milwaukee Brewers has a cat by the name of Prince Fielder manning the right side of its infield. What're your thoughts on this kid?
AP: (pounds chest twice, then kisses fist, points to the sky) I love that kid, man. He's awesome. You look at his stats and you're blown away by the massive increases each year. I think he's off to a bit of a slow start this year, but it--
B: I know, I know. It's early (rolls eyes). I can see you're into the kid's, um, talent.
AP: For sure.
B: Then I've got a much more intriguing question for you, Al.
AP: What's that?
B: Well, some say your nickname is Prince Albert (Note: link NSFW, health, or mental well-being).
(AP kisses each bicep, then extends World Series ring to Bankmeister's face)
B: Dude, I'm not going to kiss your ring.
AP: Yeah, eh? Albert can play, too. No?
B: Right. And the Brewers play in Miller Park, right?
AP: Yeah.
B: And it's named for the brewery that made Milwaukee famous.



AP: Yeah, but Anheuser--
B: Whatever. Budweiser products taste like the sewage that doesn't properly drain from the bathrooms at Miller Park, but that's another story. Let's just say, though, that, one night, in the locker room, after a Cards/Brewers game in Milwaukee, countless Hawaiian Punch shooters into the evening, you crammed your non-HGH franks and beans inside the Milwaukee first baseman's poop chute. Would that be a good example of Prince Albert in a can?
AP: No way. Hawaiian Punch is with Derek Lee.
(another ultra-long, awkward silence ensues)
B: Okee-dokie. The Pittsburgh Pirates. Adam LaRoche is their first baseman.
AP: He's pretty good. I don't think he's logged a complete season yet, but that's no big deal. I like their team this year.
B: You are aware of the fact that they suck, right?
AP: Nah, man. They'll be in the mix.
B: You are aware of the fact that Pittsburgh is the home of pedophiles -- I mean pierogies, right?
AP: What's a pierogie?
B: You are aware that you're the most clueless Dominican the HoG has ever interviewed, right?
AP: What's a pedophile?
B: Bingo. Some random guy named Scott Hatteberg plays first base for the suddenly flailing Cincinnati Reds. What's the deal with this team?
AP: Well, they play in Ohio for one thing (begins laughing hysterically).
B: I don't get it.
AP: You ever been to Ohio, dude?
B: Yes. Have you?
AP: Duh!
B: Okay. What about their first baseman?
AP: He's old.
B: I'll give you that.
AP: And he sucks.
B: Count it. Let's wrap this up. I'm meeting an escort.
AP: You're meeting a small, unreliable Ford sedan?
B: Correct. Lance Berkman. Houston Astros.
AP: He's no Craig Biggio.
B: Uh, did Bigg' ever play first base?
AP: I think so.
B: Pretty sure not.
AP: Well, either way, they both swing a good bat.
B: You realize Biggio retired, right?
AP: You know what I mean.
B: Not really. Thoughts on Berkman, though?
AP: I think he's got a good year in store. His numbers look close to mine, so, uh (pulls out small vanity, admires self)...
B: Right. Good times. So, who takes the Central this year, Al?
AP: Red Birds, baby! All the way!
B: Wow. That's clearly the gayest thing you've said, among many, this afternoon. Thanks for your time, Prince. And may your new stadium unexpectedly explode sometime other than June 17-19 of this season.

And that completes our rundown of the National League first basemen. Swing by tomorrow as we dive into the American League, where the players are guaranteed to be just as bizarre, and slightly less off their rockers.

Update: After we went to press on this piece, I was discreetly handed a memo from Old No. 7 indicating that some guy named Joey Votto is emerging as the Reds' first baseman. My response was that a more professional sports blogger would've known that already. What I really wanted to tell him was that I blame Marge Schott. She can rot in hell. (receives another memo from Seven) Oh. Nevermind. Apparently she already is.
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Conversations on the Corner: The NL West

This, our latest endeavor to produce ongoing features stacked with staunch journalism and in-depth sports coverage, is "Conversations on the Corner," where we chat with a few Major League Baseball first basemen about their counterparts in the bigs. We've selected an assortment of glovers from each league, and they've pledged to help us breakdown the other first basemen in various divisions. It promises to be skewed, highly inacccurate, and include and a ton of material over which we'd like to not be accused of libel. So dig in. (Editor's Note: The HoG spared no expense in this project, so, if the inclination arises, don't stifle it. Donations can be sent in the form of multi-packs of Big League Chew, or in American dollars. Click here to inquire about the House of Georges corporate office/mailing headquarters.)

We kicked off this feature yesterday with an allegedly lengthy look at the National League East. Today we look at the West, and here to help us with this endeavor is none other than the San Diego Padres' Adrian Gonzalez. Our conversation, in all of its brilliance, can be found a hop, skip, and a jump away.

Bankmeister: Senor, Gonzalez -- Como esta Usted?
Adrian Gonzalez: I speak English, boss.
B: Que bueno! How are you feeling about the Pads so far this year?
AG: Pretty good, I'd say. You know, right now we're two games back of the Diamondbacks, who've been playing some pretty lights-out baseball.
B: You can call 'em, D-bags, ese. It's cool.
AG: Uh, thanks. But no.
B: Well, you're not doin' too shabby yourself, toying with a .300 batting average, a couple jacks and a few RsBI.
AG: Yup. I keep hitting batting practice early, and sometimes stay after, too.
B: So let's talk about your NL West peers in terms of first basemen. Where shall we start?
AG: You tell me. You're conducting the interview.
B: Si. Es verdad. Let's start with Barry Bonds' former teammate Rich Aurilia. Somehow that guy got the nod for spot one on the depth chart.
AG: Well, he's a guy that's been around the NL for a while. Knows a good deal of the pitchers from his division, and the rest of the league, really.
B: He ever try to get your mom's recipe for tamales?
AG: What?
B: Nevermind. The Giants don't look so hot. Sure, it's early. But they've got their work cut out for them.
AG: Yeah, well. You know, it's a tough division at times, and the season's a grind--
B: Blah, blah, blah. That division sucks. No offense. I mean, the D-bags may keep pitching well, especially if the aged Unit stays healthy, but you guys'll likely choke down the stretch, and the Dodgers are the only other competition worth mentioning, which, by the way, they're not.
AG: Hey, man. (accent surprisingly thickens) Fuck you, homes. We working hard every day as a team.
B: I know. I'm sorry. I was only playin'. Seriously, though -- you ever hang out with your cousin, Tony Gonzalez? That guy's awesome.
AG: Who? Man, that guy ain't my cousin.
B: Sure he is. You're both Gonzalezes, you both live in California. How many of you can there be out here?
AG: Man, forget you. I'm out. (stands)
B: No, no, no. For real. (grabs his shirt sleeve) I'm for real this time. We don't have much longer. Since we were talking about Arizona, how about this Conor Jackson kid? He's tearin' shit up out there: 12 hits, two doubles, a triple, two homers, 13 runs batted in, and a .333 average.
AG: Yeah, man. He's gonna be the real deal by the end of this year. Maybe All-Star next year.
B: You think when he had friends over in high school and they broke some shit, his friends'd be like, "Sorry, Miss Jackson...ooooo!"?
AG: Como?
B: Nevermind. I'm curious how he compares with the Dodgers' James Loney. Whaddayou know about him?
AG: This kid is, how do you say -- oh, yeah -- another rising star. Sometimes he look better than Conor. And he younger.
B: Yeah. Guess that sucks to have to play both of them so many times a year, huh?
AG: Nah, man. We can be better than them. No problem.
B: (nods quickly and repeatedly with a bit of a grimace) Sure you can. Finally, a gentleman who helped us with the NL East segment of this feature, is Colorado's Todd Helton.

Todd Helton: Careful whatchoo say, vato.
B: Todd Helton? What're you doing out here in San Diego?
TH: Playing San Diego.
B: Of course.
AG: He (gives look that suggests otherwise) okay, man. Good team leader. (tries discreetly to make swirling motion with index finger pointed at his ear)
TH: Blow me, beaner.
AG: What? What you saying, Helton? I stab you, man.
B: Yo, Adrian. Let's save that for James Loney's fans, bro. Thanks so much for your time.

That's it for today. Check back tomorrow as we put the NL Central's glovers under the microscope. Peace out.
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Conversations on the Corner: The NL East

This, our latest endeavor to produce ongoing features stacked with staunch journalism and in-depth sports coverage, is "Conversations on the Corner," where we chat with a few Major League Baseball first basemen about their counterparts in the bigs. We've selected a duo of glovers from each league, and each will help us breakdown the other first basemen in their respective divisions. Then they'll collaborate on the leftovers. It promises to be skewed, highly inacccurate, and include and a ton of material over which we'd like to not be accused of libel. So dig in. (Editor's Note: The HoG spared no expense in this project, so, if the inclination arises, don't stifle it. Donations can be sent in the form of multi-packs of Big League Chew, or in American dollars. Click here to inquire about the House of Georges corporate office/mailing headquarters.)

We thought we'd start off the feature with the crappiest division in baseball, the National League East. Here to help us break down this fivesome are the Chicago Cubs' Derek Lee, and the Colorado Rockies' Todd Helton.

Bankmeister: One, two, three...Hey!Look at Mr. Leeeeeee! Three, F--
Derek Lee: Knock it off.
B: Sorry. Thanks for being with us.
DL: Fine. No singing, no problem.
B: Right. So, the, uh, Cubs, eh? Wrigley Field? Pretty cool stuff, there. Lots of history.
DL: Yeah.
B: Don't know much about his-to-ry! Don't know much bi--
DL: (groans) Dude...
B: Just joshin', D-Lee. Chill.
DL: Only my friends call me that, man.
B: Right. So, uh...(shuffles papers), you aren't still mad at Steve Bartman, are you?
DL: I didn't play here then.
B: Of course not. You were with the uh...(taps pencil), Devil Rays back then.
DL: Marlins, man. The Marlins.
B: Marlins, Marlins. Marlins, indeed. Just makin' sure you got your years straight, brotha'-man. You guys knocked off the Yankees that year. That was awesome.
DL: We talkin' about first basemen today, or what?
B: You bet we are. We're going to start with the last-place Washington Nationals, and their glovemaster Nick Johnson. What do you think about that guy?

Todd Helton: Fag.
B: Whoa, Todd Helton. You'll get your turn, sir. Sit tight.
DL: He's alright, I guess. Kinda looks like one of them Garbage Pail Kids in the face, but he's got a pretty mean swing when he's healthy.
B: He ever try the old fake-throw-back-to-the-pitcher-and-try-to-tag-you-out when you've been on first against him?
DL: What?
B: You know. After a pickoff attempt from the mound.
DL: No.
B: You ever think that you should move to the American League so that you can play DH, D-L?
DL: (chuckles) Nah, man.
TH: Dumbass.
B: (gives Helton a menacing look) D-Lee, you ever think Nick Johnson's checking out your ass when you lead off?
DL: Well, yeah. I mean, I haven't stolen a ton of bases in the last couple years, but yeah. He be lookin'.
TH: Fag.
B: He's hitting .263 right now with five doubles and five RsBI. You think he'll pull it together?
DL: It's only the second week of April, man. Shit. You crazy.
TH: NickJohnson'saloser.
B: Fair enough. Every one gets a second chance, I guess. You know he's got a baby?
DL: Who?
B: Nick Johnson.
DL: No. Why would I know that?
B: Thought you were the stats master, man. She just turned two. You know what her name is?
DL: No.
B: It's (tries to sound like Stevie Nicks)Bri-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-na.
TH: Douche.
DL: Dude, isn't it "Rhiannon"?
B: C'mon, dog. No black guy's ever called out a white dude on Fleetwood Mac trivia.
B: Mr. Helton -- your thoughts on Nick Johnson?
TH: No comment.
B: Alright then. Moving on. The fourth-place Atlanta Braves employ a guy by the name of Mark Teixeira--
TH: Tex.
B: He, uh...right, Todd. Some folks call him 'Tex'. Todd, did you ever find Tex trying to scrape your face with his glove when you dove back into first?
TH: Never been on base against him.
B: Um...are you sure about that?
TH: No.
B: Right. Well, how about when you get a good jump -- he ever get a late pickoff throw from the mound and try to peg you in the back on your way to second?
TH: Never get the green light. Thanks, Hurd'.
B: Alrighty, then. Mr. Lee, have you ever sensed that Teixeira has (throws up finger quotes) accidentally let go of the bat in the batter's box while you're on first, and say, it (quotes) happened in your direction?
DL: Man, what the fuck kind of question is that?
B: Hey, man, it happens. Happens all the time.
TH: (coughs very indiscreetly) Bullshit!
B: Nice, dude. That's like, older than your entire franchise.
TH: Dick.
B: Anyway. The New York Mets also happen to have a first baseman on their roster. He goes by the alias of Carlos Delgado, or, as they say in Mexico, "Charles Skinnyman."
(DL chuckles)
TH: Beanpole.
B: Todd, you've been around Carlos a time or two. You ever thought he might try to pickpocket one of your batting gloves and spit in it while you're on first?
TH: Quirk says "run with gloves in hands; won't break fingers."
B: Mm. Hmm. How 'bout you D-Lee?
DL: Dude. For real. Stop callin' me "D-Lee." And, no. I've only batted bare-handed against the Mets. I'm superstitious like that.
B: Ah, so you're like one of those black dudes that gets all weirded out when people accidentally take a broom across your shoes? Some kinda Haitian voodoo shit, that is. Right?
DL: What the... (doesn't finish/keeps shaking head)
TH: Stay away from my rum, Joe Boo.
B: Nice. Anyway, so are you scared of Puerto Ricans, D-Lee?
DL: What the hell are you talking about?
B: Carlos Delgado, bro. Everyone knows he's from (obnoxiously rolls Rs) Puerto Rico.
DL: Sure. Sure, we all do--
TH: Livin' la vida loca!
DL: This dude... (shakes head) No, man. It's Shea Stadium that weirds me out. Not the Mets' first baseman.
B: Aw, that's too bad. Much better story if it'd been an all-Carlos batting-gloves story. Either way, Carlos has already struck out (tries to impersonate Principal Ed Rooney from the hit movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off") nine times.
DL: Ye--
B: Niiine times.
DL: Yeah, man. I heard you. Like I said, it's early in April. Dude'll be fine.

TH: Freakshow.
B: You know that dude's like almost 35? Whew. That is old.
DL: That is not that old. I'm only a couple years behind him. Bet you we both play 'til we're at least 40.
TH: Shoney's discount.
B: You're on. But don't be vexin' me with your Haitian witchcraft when I win.
DL: Dude, I am not from Haiti.
TH: Cu-bano!
B: Alright. Up next is Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies.
TH: Fag.
B: Todd, you think Ryan Howard likes men?
TH: No comment.
B: Oh-kay. D-Lee, you ever sense that Ryan was gonna pull his glove away at the last second of a pickoff throw and let the ball club you in the noggin?
DL: Dude. I never thought anything like that of any play I've ever been a part of.
B: Bummer. How 'bout you, Todd?
TH: Every time.
B: Every time a Phillies pitcher has tried to pick you off at first, you've thought Howard wanted to give you a temple shot?
TH: Not-a-once.
B: (stares at TH in disbelief) Y-yeah.
TH: Every time.
DL: I agreed to do this interview under the guise of answering baseball questions. Don't you have any?
TH: Whiny bitch.
DL: Helton, don't make me come over there and choke your crazy ass.
TH: Like to see it.
B: Alright, guys. Settle down. D-Lee, how many jacks -- hint: he already has three --does Howard hit this season?
DL: Shoot. I dunno. (pauses) Forty-nine.
TH: Not a chance.
B: Todd, you think he'll hit for fewer?
TH: Nineteen.
B: That's it? (simultaneously asks as DL says "Shit.")
TH: Sixty-day DL, head injury from an errant Jeff Francis-pickoff attempt.
B: Wow. Okay. And last, but not least, is some clown named Mike Jacobs, who plays for D-Lee's former club -- and might I add first-place -- Florida Marlins. He's shown us that, uh, he can (shuffles papers)...uh, strike out a lot. Think he tops the century mark again in Ks, Todd?
TH: Nope.
B: Uh, why not?
TH: Plays lots of teams with bad pitching.
B: Okay. D-Lee?
DL: Yeah. I say he fans a buck-twelve.
B: Ooo. A career high? I like it. Do the Marlins stay on top in the east?
TH: Dead last.
B: Interesting. D-Lee?
DL: Third. Just above Washington and Atlanta, but below Carlos' Mets and Ryan's Phils.
B: Alright, guys. Thanks for your time and good luck this season.
TH: Douche.

Check back later in the week as we comb over the rest of the NL, and work our way into the American League, too.
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