Lineup Against The Wall: The Evil Empire

We just need to make one thing clear at the House of Georges: the Anaheim River German Pepper Angels are the best team in baseball. It's been made abundantly clear that not only will they win the World Series, they'll probably win between 140 and 162 games. We apologize for missing the obvious fact that they have zero weaknesses and are also blessed by the Lord with utter infallibility. Please forgive us, Jesus and Angels fans.

Now let's move on to yet another team who will be shittier than the Angels, which of course is every one of them. The New York Yankees, who've made the playoffs every year since gas was a nickel, return with yet another $200 million payroll, yet another powerhouse lineup and yet another fan base full of dicks (Full disclosure: the Red Sox are just as bad, only they win these.). They're like Al Qaeda, only less huggable.

Once again, this club will win, but once again, their ultimate success will be determined by their pitching staff. It's looking shaky on the mound, what with an ace that strikes nobody out, a horse who wants to quit, a fading star, a wunderkind with no defined role, and a bunch of kids.

But they'll score. A lot. here are your 2008 Yankees, one through nine:

1. Robinson Cano 2B
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Bobby Abreu RF
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Hideki Matsui DH
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Johnny Damon LF
8. Jason Giambi 1B
9. Melky Cabrera CF

If you have the means to field an All-Star at every position, kids, and care only about winning this year, this is the lineup you end up with. Everyone will score 80+ runs and most everyone will drive in 80+ runs. I'd still bat Damon leadoff, as he's fully healthy this year for the first time in a while, but there's nothing wrong with getting Cano (a rising superstar) more at-bats. Most everyone here can run, and it's possible that everyone except Matsui, Posada and the first basemen will steal double-digit bases.

I have no idea how Joe Girardi will juggle at-bats and the DH spot. Obviously, all these veterans will need rest (and many will get hurt). Cabrera has gone from supersub to a deserved full-time role, but Shelly Duncan has had a scorching spring (although he'll get detention for some frisky sliding). He'll spell the corner OF spots as well as giving Giambi a break against lefties.

Wilson Betemit and Morgan Ensberg will serve as infield reserves, and one or more Molina brothers back up Posada.

Last year this club was first in the AL in everything: batting average, OPS, runs and home runs. Expect similar output, which should still be good for near the top of the league no matter how awesome Detroit's offense is. As a fantasy geek alert, look for a big year out of Abreu, who's in the last year of his contract. He, along with Giambi, Mussina and (probably) Pettitte will all come off the books next winter, so here come C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeria and ten other awesome dudes. Fuckers.