Lineup Against The Wall: Chicago Cubs

And here's another in our continuing series, where we subject the offensive lineups of each Major League club to our special form of analysis. Bank and Cecil have already hammered the East and West ends of the bigs, I'm lagging in the Central. Today we square up on Chicago, home of those lovable mugs known as Cubs. You may have had to wait a week into the season for this post, but when a team waits a century-plus to win it all is my tardiness really a big deal?

Thoughts on the sticks of the Chicago Nationals, after the jump...

Lou Piniella's Opening Day lineup:

1. LF Alfonso Soriano (R)
2. CF Kosuke Fukudome (L)
3. 1B Derrek Lee (R)
4. RF Milton Bradley (S)
5. 3B Aramis Ramirez (R)
6. 2B Mike Fontenot (L)
7. C Geovany Soto (R)
8. SS Ryan Theriot (R)
9. Pitcher

When you play in front of a packed house every day, in a huge media market, with a global fan base for your iconic franchise, you get a lot of toys. Toys like a $120 million outfielder who's often hurt. Or another outfielder who's one jaywalking ticket away from violating California's three-strikes law. Or yet another outfielder, imported from Japan, who seems like he forgot how to play baseball in August of 2008.

All these toys resulted in an NL-best 855 runs scored, a $118 million payroll, and a division title in 2008. They could not, however, get them past the Dodgers in the NLDS. So, like Sisyphus starting at the bottom of the hill yet again, the Cubs attempt to push that boulder to the mountaintop.

Soriano leads off, why I will never, ever know. Sure, he ran early in his career--he went 40/40 with the Nats in '06 and he's topped 30/30 three other times. But he stole 19 bases last year, 19 bases the year before that. He's slowing down as his age advances (and no one really knows what that age actually is), and the weaknesses in his game are becoming more pronounced. He strikes out a lot. He has an annual reservation on the DL. For such a spectacular athlete, he is as ungraceful a defensive player as you'll ever see--it almost seems like he grew up playing another game and has to think about simple acts like catching fly balls. But his power is, and probably always will be, monstrous. He should be batting cleanup.

Fukudome mans the two-spot, following a complete collapse in the second half and poor showings in the WBC and Spring Training. It's very early, both in the current season and his MLB career, but his outfield defense seems to have suffered a bit from standing next to Soriano at Wrigley. Perhaps he'll get it together, I do like his swing and his game.

Erstwhile Marlin Lee is the first-sacker and third-hitter. While he'll most likely never again see the power that posted 46 jacks and 107 ribbies in 2005 (I didn't say steroids, and I don't know why you brought it up), he'll always hit. I'd bat him lower, though, as well.

I always confuse Milton Bradley with Carl Everett, because to me all certifiably insane outfielders look alike. Except Albert Belle, he was special. Milton Bradley was the one who blew out his knee arguing with an umpire and wrestling with his manager, costing his team a playoff spot. He also likes firing projectiles at hecklers. Everett questioned the existence of dinosaurs and the viability of the gays based on the Bible. Crazy, yes, but good golly can these goofy fuckers hit. Bradley posted a .999 OPS as the Rangers' DH last year, but his already sky-high chances of getting hurt increase exponentially when he's asked to patrol an NL outfield. In fact, he's already dinged.

Aramis Ramirez is still, for some reason, under the radar. All this guy does is hit a buttload of home runs, come through with clutch knocks, maintain a respectable average, play rock solid D at the hot corner, and stay out of jail. I think he's one of the ten best hitters in the National League, give the man some love. Sweaty, public, inappropriate love.

Mike Fontenot plays the second base, unless Aaron Miles does. He's not that good, and he's not that bad. He is the iceberg lettuce of baseball.

Your stubby backstop is Geovany Soto, the suave Purto Rican Lothario currently serving as reigning NL Rookie of the Year. If he plays well, he just might become the first player ever to win the award twice. Seriously, Soto can mash, but please don't count on an average north of .260 this year--he won't see nearly as many fat fastballs in '09.

Bringing up the rear is Ryan Theriot, the only legitimate leadoff hitter on the team. Not that I'm telling Sweet Lou Piniella how to do his job or anything, but this is how I would do his job and set this lineup:

1. Theriot
2. Fukudome or Fontenot
3. Ramirez
4. Soriano
5. Bradley
6. Lee
7. Fontenot or Fukudome
8. Soto

But whatever, these dudes are going to score a bunch of runs, or as my wife calls them, points. The hopes of the North Side will rest on the health of these regulars, the integrity of the bullpen and the pitching rotation. Can Big Z squeeze one more good season out of his right arm? Can Rich Harden manage 30 starts, or even eight? Can Ted Lilly shake off the uneven workload he received in the WBC in March (looks like it, he one-hit the Rockies yesterday)? Can Ryan Dempster continue to excel in a starting role? And can ownership get their ducks in a row and make one more big push for Jake Peavy?

If the answer to a majority of these questions is "yes" you can pencil Chicago in for a third straight postseason appearance. Finally emerging from the first round and taking their rightful place as the NL's best club will require a little extra mustard.
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Lineup Against The Wall: The Non-Sleeper Kansas City Royals

I had an assignment to get all these lineup analyses cranked out by the start of the season. Obviously, I'm hopelessly behind. But then lo and behold, just when I needed it, the Royals-White Sox game done got rained out yesterday. THERE IS A GOD. Either that, or Crash Davis left the sprinklers on all night just to bust a slump.

So today we discuss a topic near and dear to all our hearts, the potential offensive production of the Kansas City Royals. I would ask these gentlemen to line up against a wall, but I'd be afraid they'd take the opportunity to pose for some gay soft-core calendar porn. So we'll just let them take BP while we go in the other room.

Here's your projected lineup:

1. CF Coco Crisp (S)
2. SS Mike Aviles (R)
3. LF David DeJesus (L)
4. RF Jose Guillen (R)
5. 1B Mike Jacobs (L)
6. DH Billy Butler (R)
7. 3B Alex Gordon (L)
8. C Miguel Olivo (R)
9. 2B Alberto Callaspo (S)

Much like the Reds, this is pretty straightforward, predictable, classic lineup. Coco Crisp, like Wily Tavares in Cincinnati, was acquired to lead off and play center. Unlike Tavares, though, Coco is an accomplished batsman and gives you what you want from this spot in the order: a decent chance of getting on base and a methodical approach toward his at-bats. If your leadoff man takes a few pitches and works the count, he allows his teammates to get a sense of the pitcher's velocity and arsenal, in addition to tiring the bastard out a bit.

As a Red Sox fan, i can't tell you how impressed I was with the way Coco handled last year. Brought in to nail down center after the defection of Johnny Damon, Coco was essentially fired during the '07 drive to the World Series by Jacoby Ellsbury's lights-out fall. Ellsbury was named the Opening Day starter in '08 and Coco became the fourth outfielder. But a combination of factors--Ellsbury's youthful slumps, J.D. Drew's constant vagina injuries, Manny Ramirez's advanced senility--gave Coco 361 ABs, and he handled them all with quiet professionalism. Enjoy him, Kansas City, he's a pro.

Mike Aviles mans the two-hole following a breakout campaign. I'm not the biggest Aviles guy out there, simply because there's no way he replicates hitting .325. Even if he does, the guy never takes a walk--his OBP was only 29 points higher than his average last year. That's not a characteristic you want to see at this spot in the batting order.

David DeJesus moves from leadoff down to third, an assignment that makes sense until Alex Gordon gets his shit together. DeJesus hit well over .400 with runners in scoring position last year and should see more RBI opportunities here. He never really ran or scored much at leadoff anyway.

Jose Guillen, all 195 pounds of batshit nutcase, cleans up. He'll give you 30 and 100 unless he gets hurt or murders his manager.

Mike Jacobs was imported from Miami to serve as the latest heir to Mike Sweeney's first base throne. Also, because this team can't hit a home run to save its life and Jacobs is a big old gorilla. He strikes out a lot, this kid, but he'll put quite a few in the fountains. If you're a connoisseur of picturesque left-handed swings, as I am, you'll dig this guy's stroke. He'd look good on a beefcake calendar shoot making out with Zach Greinke.

Our slightly-fallen prospect portion of the lineup starts now, with Billy Butler and Alex Gordon bridging the gap. Both these dudes came up from Omaha with a lot of promise, and while neither has necessarily disappointed, well, they need to produce. Like right away. As Banky pointed out to me last week, this team did win 75 games last year. Their pitching has improved by leaps and bounds, Joakim Soria is easily one of the game's scariest closers, and Trey Hillman feels like a competent skip. It is go time in Kansas City.

Everyone that whines about the Royals' supposed small-market status holding them back, but this team is now solidly middle-of-the-pack in terms of MLB payrolls. KC actually bids for and acquires real big-league players like Coco, Guillen, Gil Meche, Ron Mahay, Juan Cruz and Kyle Farnsworth. Okay, maybe not Farnsworth. There's quite a bit of gloss on refurbished Kauffman Stadium. And numerous pundits in the baseball world have forecast big improvement in Kansas City.

In fact, you can't even say that the Royals are a sleeper team anymore. If everyone says you're a sleeper, if everyone says you're underrated, then you must produce to avoid becoming a bust, becoming overrated. Which brings me back to Butler and Gordon. This is no longer 2006 or 2007, when everyone expected the Royals to finish dead last and the kids could scuffle out of the limelight. Now is the time for these bats to awaken. Alex Gordon is one of the brightest prospects in the entire game, and Billy Butler put up minor-league stats from a video game. They need to start squaring up on baseballs, producing runs and wins, and demanding spots higher in the order for a real MLB offense. The kid gloves are off.

Miguel Olivo shares the catching duties with John Buck and provides a bit more polish in the batter's box. Alberto Callaspo obviously takes his dating cues from Larry Johnson and hits girls harder than he hits fastballs.

On days when Callaspo's wrists are sore from domestic abuse, Mark Teahen can fill in at second. he can also spell Gordon at third, DeJesus in left and Guillen in right. That's right, Mark Teahen, big-time third baseman traded for Carlos Beltran has become Mark Teahen, supersub! he's actually had a colossal spring training, clubbing seven homers and not completely butchering his defensive assignments. Teahen and new acquisition Willie Bloomquist add a ton of depth and versatility to Hillman's potential strategy, while Tony Pena Jr. adds the occasional baseballboner to Banky's pants.

So there you have it, Kansas City fans. Your team might, just might, be able to hit this year. Feel free to enjoy it, no one will begrudge you that.
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Lineup Against The Wall: Cincinnati Reds

Going through life, you have a lot of jobs. Some of these are actual careers, some are just gigs to get you through college. When I was matriculating at The Colorado State University, I toiled as an honest-to-goodness bookmaker for a couple football seasons.

It was fun, and it created some decent supplemental income. It taught me to never gamble, because the house always wins (I rarely follow this lesson). But the most lasting tidbit I gleaned from my bookie days was how to spell Cincinnati. I always botched how many N's and T's were in there, but after typing a few hundred parlay sheets I can recall that shit in my sleep.

What's any of this have to do with the National League Base Ball Club that plays on the shores of the Ohio River? Not much, unless you consider a former Red who knew his way around a parlay sheet himself. I've always loved the history and the spectacle of the Reds, especially back when crazy old Nazi-lovin' Marge Schott owned the team. For my entire childhood the Reds, as the oldest professional baseball franchise, were given the honor of hosting the very first game of the season--Opening Day was always in Cincinnati. They had a parade, and Barry Larkin was allowed to deflower a debutante in the town square.

Then ESPN ruined baseball by pushing the start of the season up to Sunday night, which is like opening your present on Christmas Eve. Sure, you get an early gift, but it still ain't Christmas. Let's start our tour of the divisions Central in Cincinnati, where the Redlegs play a little pepper...

Here's Dusty Baker's projected lineup for the season:

1. CF Wily Taveras (R)
2. SS Alex Gonzalez (R)
3. 1B Joey Votto (L)
4. 2B Brandon Phillips (R)
5. RF Jay Bruce (L)
6. 3B Edwin Encarnacion (R)
7. LF Chris Dickerson (L)
8. C Ramon Hernandez (R)
9. Pitcher

All in all, it's about what I would throw out there. The heavy-duty sabermetrician types would pick this apart to maximize on-base, squeeze out a few more runs and minimize the damage from inevitable strikeouts, but it's fine. It's an old-school lineup, and Dusty is nothing of not an old-school guy.

I don't like Taveras, and few who truly watch the game of baseball do. It's hard to stick around this sport when you have so little ability to actually hit a baseball with any kind of authority, but Wily does it with speed, lots and lots of speed. Whenever he gets on, he'll run, and he'll certainly score with all the firepower behind him.

Alex Gonzalez returns from an injury-marred 2008 to reclaim his shortstop job from Jeff Keppinger. He'll add a ton of stability to the middle of the field, and he has the ability to handle his stick to boot.

Joey Votto is simply one of the best young hitters in the game, with a good sense of the zone and a shit ton of power. Dusty will hate the fact that he'll draw a walk with men on, but Dusty needs to check his watch and whittle another toothpick--first base and the three-hole are locked down in Cincinnati for years to come.

Brandon Phillips is an enigma--he's suited to lead off with his speed, or possibly bat sixth or seventh. But cleanup actually serves him well. It's just weird to see a second baseman bat there. I think he'll hit a few more bombs this year than last, and with a more seasoned Jay Bruce protecting him he should see better pitches and turn in better at-bats. If Phillips could shave 30 whiffs off the back of his baseball card he could be an absolute monster, plus he still runs when he gets on.

Bruce was a much ballyhooed prospect when he was called up last year, and although he slumped late he really appears to be legitimate. A great contact bat with sneaky power, he could do anything from win a batting title to hit 40 homers. He's got a sweet swing and he's fun to watch--even though Junior Griffey has left town there's still a picturesque windmill spinning in the Reds' lineup.

Quietly, Edwin Encarnacion has evolved into a pretty good player. He still gives away too many ABs and loses focus, but at a thin position Cincinnati has a fairly steady player who's grown remarkably and is still only 26. He gives the Reds even more power, respectable speed and defense, and one of the most tradeable commodities on the roster.

I don't know dick about Chris Dickerson, so I'll get to the eight-hole. Ramon Hernandez came over from the Orioles in the offseason, and it's my belief he'll have a nice season. This team needs a catcher who'll work with a young staff, particularly the Latin kids. The Venezuelan Hernandez ought to be able to break down the slumps of Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez a bit more deftly than Paul Bako. He can also hit a lot more than Paul Bako, but I think former Cincinnati mayor Jerry Springer can hit more than Paul Bako. I like Paul Bako, but this is a massive improvement in the lineup.

The bench is paper thin, so no one is allowed to get hurt or popsicles will not be served after the game. There's the lineup for your Cincinnati Red Stockings, boys and girls, let's show them our appreciation. Anyone?
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Lineup Against the Wall: San Francisco's Very-Own G-Men

So the Giants celebrated their 50th anniversary last year. Splendid. I hope it was a great party because their season wasn't worth writing home about, albeit it was about nine games better than the Padres, so they had that goin' for 'em, which was nice. Baseball's NL team by the Bay, just after the jump.

One last time:

1) RF Randy Winn
2) 2B Emmanuel Burriss
3) LF Fred Lewis
4) C Bengie Molina
5) SS Edgar Renteria
6) 3B Pablo Sandoval
7) 1B Travis Ishikawa
8) CF Aaron Rowand

Finally a team in this division that has a little bit of speed. But guess what? They're missing power. Where's that Bonds guy? He could do that every now and again. Yes. I'm hitting the catcher at cleanup, and putting Rowand at the bottom of the order. Mentally switch it if you please. I'm mentally drained.

The rotation:

1) Tim Lincecum
2) Randy Johnson
3) Matt Cain
4) Barry Zito
5) Jonathan Sanchez

Now that's a pitching staff right there. Fifty-six wins, (mostly) respectable earned-run averages, and 901 strikeouts last year. Nine hundred one. Oh, and three lefties. That's awesome.

The bullpen leaves a little bit to be desired. It's not awful. But it's Bob Howry, Jeremy Affeldt, and a ton of youth, followed by Brian Wilson as your closer who managed to drum up 41 saves last year as a Giant, which is really impressive for a not-very-good team a year ago. If my Colorado train jumps track, these Giants could easily leap them and finish in third, but I already made one crazy prediction. A Giants team finishing better than the Rockies and the D'backs is a bit of a stretch.

Put a fork in the West divisions, kids. They done.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Washington Nationals

Not gonna waste any more of your precious time here. You know how to jump in the get-down.


Once upon a time, Washington D.C. was host to a baseball team named the Senators. Or were they" From the Administrator's favorite source:

One of the American League's eight charter franchises, the club was founded in Washington, D.C. in 1901 as the Washington Senators. That was a carryover nickname from a previous, unrelated club in the National League. In 1905 the team changed its official name to the Washington Nationals.[1] The name "Nationals" would appear on the uniforms for only 2 seasons, and would then be replaced with the "W" logo for the next 52 years. The media often shortened the nickname to "Nats". Many fans and newspapers (especially out-of-town papers) persisted in using the "Senators" nickname. Over time, "Nationals" faded as a nickname, and "Senators" became dominant. Baseball guides would list the club's nickname as "Nationals or Senators", acknowledging the unique dual-nickname situation.

Whatever. "Senators" is a great name for a squad. They boasted more than a few famous players, too: Walter "Big Train" Johnson, most notably, but also slightly lesser lights like Sam Rice, Joe Cronin and Harmon "The Killer" Killebrew. They never won anything, with the exception of 1924--when Calvin Coolidge was president and my father was born, yes, my parents were/are much older than average--and they took home a series victory vs. the favored Giants of John McGraw. Other than that, the gag about Washington was: first in war, first in peace, last in the American League.

And then left and turned into the Minnesota Twins. Kirby Puckett, Kent Hrbek, Greg Gagne, World Series wins, Lonnie Smith fucking up on the basepaths, craziness.

Anyway, the team that's in D.C. now has not a scrap of history, or anything else, going for it in any way, shape or form. The lineup:

Catcher -- Jesus Flores
First Base -- Nick Johnson
Second Base -- Ronnie Belliard
Third Base -- Ryan Zimmerman
Shortstop -- Cristian Guzman
Left Field -- Adam Dunn
Center Field -- Lastings Milledge
Right Field -- Austin Kearns

Starting Pitchers:

John Lannan (L)
Scott Olsen (L)
Daniel Cabrera (R)
Jordan Zimmermann (R)
Shairon Martis (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Saul Rivera (R)
Joe Beimel (L)
Steven Shell (R)
Julian Tavarez (R)
Wil Ledezma (L)

Closer:

Joel Hanrahan (R)

Bottom Line: Ugh. There's individual talent--Elijah Dukes is even lurking somewhere on this roster--but man, I'm about to eat dinner and I want to keep my appetite. Their best starter is John Lannan, who wouldn't be bad as a #3. Lastings Milledge is the starting centerfielder. Adam Dunn is...well, around. Fail. Massive, humiliating Fail.

Projected Finish: 5th in the NL East.



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Lineup Against the Wall: Philadelphia Phillies

The Phillies are, and this is somewhat hard to believe, the losingest franchise in American sport. They were the first to 10,000 losses, and before last season had only seen one championship--1980--in 126 years.

So I guess I should be somehow glad that this team, with great chemistry, with a few of the best players at their respective positions in baseball, is ascending the way it recently has been, but no. I'm incapable of that kind of fellow-feeling.

So, to whichever Philly Phanatic is reading this, enjoy your recent success. Hope it's not the meat in a two-century sandwich of Fail.

Lineup. Jump. Get to it.

The lineup:

Catcher -- Carlos Ruiz
First Base -- Ryan Howard
Second Base -- Chase Utley
Third Base -- Pedro Feliz
Shortstop -- Jimmy Rollins
Left Field -- Raul Ibanez
Center Field -- Shane Victorino
Right Field -- Jayson Werth

Starting Pitchers:

Cole Hamels (L)
Brett Myers (R)
Joe Blanton (R)
Jamie Moyer (L)
Chan Ho Park (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Ryan Madson (R)
Chad Durbin (R)
J.A. Happ (L)
Scott Eyre (L)
Clay Condrey (R)

Closer:

Brad Lidge (R)

The Bottom Line: This is obviously a very talented club, on the level of the Mets, whom they've bested the past two years. Albeit with plenty of gag from the New Yorkers as win-lube. Still, though, it wouldn't be too tough to see them making another run at the division, with Utley and Howard providing the pop, Rollins providing the run-scoring spark and Shane Victorino providing the Hawaii. After all, they've proved their championship mettle--and I haven't even mentioned Cole Hamels or clutch, Denver-bred closer Brad Lidge.

But someone has to pay for last night's ridiculous Marlins pick, and it's you, Phillies. I'm sure you'll prove me wrong in real life.

Projected Finish


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Lineup Against the Wall: New York Mets

Another team I can't stand. The late '80s incarnation of the franchise was dominant, particularly over my Cubs--who, we would have imagined in '84 & '85, might have at least been competitive over the next few years, but no. The Cubs managed to take the East in '84, two games ahead of New York, but that was it. After that, The Strawberry GoodenDarlings steamed ahead to a World Series in '86 and general excellence regardless, while the Cubs backslid to suck.

So I'm carrying a grudge. Which might have been why I picked the Marlins to make a huge leap forward and take the division, rather than this ultra-talented group. More after the coding--which doesn't look like coding, but try to think HTML for once.

Given that time is becoming an issue with these, no more pussyfooting. Here's the Amazins' lineup:

Catcher -- Brian Schneider
First Base -- Carlos Delgado
Second Base -- Luis Castillo
Third Base -- David Wright
Shortstop -- Jose Reyes
Left Field -- Daniel Murphy
Center Field -- Carlos Beltran
Right Field -- Ryan Church

Starting Pitchers:

Johan Santana (L)
Mike Pelfrey (R)
Oliver Perez (L)
John Maine (R)
Livan Hernandez (R)

Relief Pitcher:

J.J. Putz (R)
Pedro Feliciano (L)
Sean Green (R)
Brian Stokes (R)
Carlos Muniz (R)

Closer:

Francisco Rodriguez (R)

Bottom Line: I have no defense for last night's pick of the Marlins. I know that the Mets have choked the last years--and mightily so, it should be mentioned--but you can count the teams with that kind of power, speed and overall hitting ability on the fingers of no hands. Plus, they roll out a starting lineup led by arguably the best pitcher in the game, even if the guys behind him are pretty average. They spent a lot of money on F-Rod to shore up a recent weak spot, they have pretty good middle relief...not a lot of weaknesses.

So, naturally, I'm picking them to finish behind the Marlins. You have to go out on the occasional limb.

Projected Finish: 2nd in the NL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Fathers of Saint James?

Well, we're to the Padres, which means I'll soon be signing off on the ol' Lineup Against the Wall features, and not a moment too soon. Whoever came up with this idea is a complete pinhead. The Whale's Vagina Baseball Club almost lost 100 games last year, and I have every bit of confidence that they can top themselves in 2009. See how after the jump.

Their lineup looks a little like this:

1) CF Jody Gerut
2) 2B David Eckstein
3) RF Brian Giles
4) 1B Adrian Gonzalez
5) SS Luis Rodriguez
6) LF Chase Headley
7) 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff
8) C Nick Hundley

Man. These guys are awful. I don't know how you put together an actual lineup with this slow, seldom-hitting crew of degenerate baseball players. And look, they can't pitch either:

1) Jake Peavy
2) Chris Young
3) Walter Silva
4) Kevin Correia
5) Shawn Hill

Fine. They have Peavy. He won 10 games last year and earned 166 Ks. The next four dudes have a total of 11 wins among them from 2008. Their E.R.A. ain't great, and frankly, none of their other numbers are either. There's a common theme -- other than general suckiness -- among this entire pitching staff, though. From Peavy on down to closer Heath Bell, there's not a single lefty on the depth chart. And Bell's the closer because why? He got a ton of holds last year? Good. Lord.

If I were a Seattle Mariner, I'd be stoked that these guys were in the bigs, and if I were a Washington National, I'd be stoked that they play in the National League. Holy Cow. Look out new all-time record for losses.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Florida Marlins

No lie, I hate this team. Two championships in what, a 14-year history? That isn't right. And, also, the Bartman series. I watched that game at the Cherry Cricket in a huge drunken scrum of Cub fans. The wife and I shared a table with a stranger. I've never seen energy dissipate like that--the whole room just went pffffffft.

A pox on the Marlins. Grudging acknowledgment after you-know-where.


The one constant of the Marlins' existence, beyond money trouble and improbable victories, is the amount of elite-level talent that passes through their clubhouse doors. This installment of the squad is more of the same--Hanley Ramirez is one of the five best players in the majors and Dan Uggla, Cody Ross and especially Jorge Cantu are very solid. Cameron Maybin could blossom into a big-time talent, too, but chances are they'll have to wait on him a while. But then, we thought the same thing about Delmon Young. Anyway, the lineup:

Catcher -- John Baker
First Base -- Jorge Cantu
Second Base -- Dan Uggla
Third Base -- Emilio Bonifacio
Shortstop -- Hanley Ramirez
Left Field -- Cody Ross
Center Field -- Cameron Maybin (R)
Right Field -- Jeremy Hermida

Starting Pitchers:

Ricky Nolasco (R)
Josh Johnson (R)
Chris Volstad (R)
Anibal Sanchez (R)
Andrew Miller (L)

Relief Pitchers:

Leo Nunez (R)
Logan Kensing (R)
Renyel Pinto (L)
Kiko Calero (R)
Carlos Martinez (R)

Closer:

Matt Lindstrom (R)

The Bottom Line: This team had a winning record last year (84-77) after two seasons of sub-.500 ball. They could evolve into something ferocious this year. The starting pitching, anchored by Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco, is potentially dominant. The starting lineup can hit for power, there's speed, sheesh. The Mets are being picked to win this division by most people and the Phillies *did* manage to win last year's Series, but...I'm going out on a limb.

Projected Finish: 1st in the NL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Atlanta Braves

I'm still going, you creeps. Quit looking at me like that. Squirrels? Squirrels??

Sorry, starting to get a little punchy. It wasn't that long ago that the Braves were the model of baseball class, a team that consistently won, year in and year out, with an eternally solid roster of starting pitchers, a few excellent position players and the most thoroughly stable front office around.

The last few years have been, well, if not rough, not excellent. And for a franchise that was used to excellence--how many division titles did they win in a row? 14? 17? 30?--mediocrity is cold water to the grundle. Causes the shrivel.

I'll take a gander at their starters and make bets on their chances post-jump.

There isn't a lot of stuffing in this pillow--beyond Chipper Jones, the club's bats fall off in quality dramatically. McCann can swing it, and Kelly Johnson has promise, but man, you look at this lineup and tell me you're excited by it:

Catcher -- Brian McCann
First Base -- Casey Kotchman
Second Base -- Kelly Johnson
Third Base -- Chipper Jones
Shortstop -- Yunel Escobar
Left Field -- Garret Anderson
Center Field -- Jordan Schafer
Right Field -- Jeff Francoeur

Starting Pitchers:

Derek Lowe (R)
Javier Vazquez (R)
Jair Jurrjens (R)
Kenshin Kawakami (R)
Jorge Campillo (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Rafael Soriano (R)
Blaine Boyer (R)
Buddy Carlyle (R)
Jeff Bennett (R)
Eric O'Flaherty (L)

Closer:

Mike Gonzalez (L)

Bottom Line: They've got nada for offensive production but a pretty good staff of pitchers. They're going to have to be, because there aren't going to be a lot of leads to protect. Jeff Francouer has 30 home run power but a .239 reality. Nothing about this team suggests anything beyond 4th place.

Projected Finish: 4th Place in the NL East
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Lineup Against the Wall: Toronto Blue Jays

The Blue Jays. Remember when they won those two consecutive World Series? Remember Tony Fernandez, Alfredo Griffin, George Bell and Jesse Barfield? Dave Steib and Jimmy Key? Ernie Whitt? Remember how Toronto residents didn't give two squirts and went back to reading about the Maple Leafs?

As a fan of the Cubs, I can only say, wear a shirt made of stinging nettles in Hell, you Canada-based bastards. You've had, over the course of the last three decades, more success than practically any team in the bigs.

But no one cares. Because you are the Toronto Blue Jays.

The '09 possibilities follow after the leap.

Enough time wasted on this boring team. Here's the lineup:

Catcher -- Rod Barajas
First Base -- Lyle Overbay
Second Base -- Aaron Hill
Third Base -- Scott Rolen
Shortstop -- Marco Scutaro
Left Field -- Travis Snider
Center Field -- Vernon Wells
Right Field -- Alex Rios
DH -- Adam Lind

Starting Pitchers:

Roy Halladay (R)
Jesse Litsch (R)
David Purcey (L)
Ricky Romero (L)
Scott Richmond (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Scott Downs (L)
Jesse Carlson (L)
Brian Tallet (L)
Brandon League (R)
Shawn Camp (R)

Closer:

B.J. Ryan (L)

Bottom Line: Yeesh. Not much to get excited about, even though they had a winning record (86-76) in '08. There aren't really any bats that scare anyone outside of maybe Rios and Vernon Wells on a good day. Rolen is history, Overbay is overrated (he isn't rated at all, really, but that just sounded right) and Wells himself, once a seeming superstar in the making, is not the player he was three or four years back. The pitching is where this team rises a little. Halladay is a legitimate ace and Jesse Litsch is an acceptable #2. B.J Ryan had a good '08, but will he keep it up? His head looks like a bullet, for whatever that's worth.

Projected finish: 4th in the AL East.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Tampa Bay REDACTED Rays

The Tampa Bay (Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch, Dick Cheney) Rays surprised the living holy hell out of everyone in America last year--well, me, anyway--when they made it all the way to the World Series, where they lost to the Philadelphia Phillies but proved that they actually were a legitimate threat to the power structure of the AL East.

They have some of the finest young talent in the bigs, including a young third baseman who I, probably stupidly, probably extraordinarily stupidly, probably lying-insensate-in-coma-eating-protein-through-tube stupidly, held as my keeper in the fantasy league we HoGsters share--instead of Big Tex, who I'd had for like four years in a row. We'll see how badly that hurts my chances of repeating, but right now it looks like I've done gone and blowed it. Anyway, let's get rollin' after the jump...


The REDACTED Rays have long been a haven for shittiness and laziness, including a late-period Wade Boggs and a disinterested Lou Piniella. They played in front of crowds of dozens, in a "city" with such a strong love of sport that it only recently discovered football was, in fact, played professionally.

But not now. Take a look at this starting lineup:

Catcher -- Dioner Navarro
First Base -- Carlos Pena
Second Base -- Akinori Iwamura
Third Base -- Evan Longoria
Shortstop -- Jason Bartlett
Left Field -- Carl Crawford
Center Field -- B.J. Upton
Right Field -- Matt Joyce
DH -- Pat Burrell

Starting Pitchers:

James Shields (R)
Scott Kazmir (L)
Matt Garza (R)
Andy Sonnanstine (R)
Jeff Niemann (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Dan Wheeler (R)
Jason Isringhausen (R)
Grant Balfour (R)
Joe Nelson (R)
J.P. Howell (L)

Closer:

Troy Percival (R)

Bottom Line: They have, as I said above, a surfeit of young positional talent. There are GMs who would chew their fingers off to get players like Longoria, Pena and Upton. Their pitching staff isn't too shabby either--Shields and Sonnanstine could both take a huge step next year, and there is depth. The bullpen isn't as exciting; Wheeler is a solid vet, Izzy is just old and there is no way on God's Green Planet that Troy Percival has anything left.

Projected Finish: 3d in the AL East
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Lineup Against the Wall: New York Yankees

It's easy to hate the Yankees. No reason to even drag out the numbers. They've won more than anyone, spent more than anyone, get more attention than anyone and consistently offer more media-friendly drama sessions than anyone.

It's the team of Ruth and Gehrig, of Mantle and Maris. Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin. The former Highlanders, the pinstriped enemy of baseball at large. Fuck the Yankees, yes, but do so knowing that, at any time, they can clench their buttcheeks together and rip your dick off.

Their '09 squad and chances after the jump.

The last few years the New Yorkers have underachieved, and we've all had to hear about it--Christ, it's almost worse when they lose. Anytime this team doesn't take a World Series and spend the next few months face-deep in a pile of cocaine and astroglide, big spending and off-season drama are sure to follow.

Sure enough, A-Roid made out with himself in a mirror, Joe Torre broke some supposedly inviolate code of the clubhouse and Brian Cashman paid C.C. Sabathia the gross national product of Paraguay.

But I'll address the Steinbrenners' biggest addition--teased in the previous post!--after the starting lineup:

Catcher -- Jorge Posada (S)
First Base -- Mark Teixeira
Second Base -- Robinson Cano
Third Base -- Cody Ransom
Shortstop -- Derek Jeter
Left Field -- Johnny Damon
Center Field -- Brett Gardner
Right Field -- Xavier Nady
DH -- Hideki Matsui

Starting Pitchers:

CC Sabathia (L)
A.J. Burnett (R)
Chien-Ming Wang (R)
Andy Pettitte (L)
Joba Chamberlain (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Damaso Marte (L)
Brian Bruney (R)
Edwar Ramirez (R)
Jonathan Albaladejo (R)
Jose Veras (R)

Closer:

Mariano Rivera (R)

Bottom Line: As usual, the Yankees look like champions on paper, but this year they actually have the spine to live up to it--Tex is going to be a massive influence on that lineup. He's steady, he's drama-free. A-Rod will miss the first few weeks, but once he returns, that's two legitimate 35+ homer threats in a deep, deep lineup bolstered by (potentially) the best starting pitching in baseball. Their bullpen ain't that hot, and Rivera is running on fumes, but, as loyal reader/patron of Arizonan glory holes Rustoleum would say: count it.

Projected Finish: 1st in AL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Boston Red Sox

The ridiculousness of my doing this one, when No. 7 is about the biggest Red Sox homer in the Four Corners area, is beyond belief. But that was the point of this exercise, to get us out of our comfort zones, to challenge our assumptions, to put us in positions where the public at large can laugh at the shallow nature of our analysis.

Babe Ruth's first team after the jump.

The one-time also-rans of Boston have put together one hell of a run this decade--they've won at least 90 games every year since 2002, with the exception of '06. During that time they've also taken home the World Series title twice, in '04 and '07.

Their young GM is probably the best in the game, their fans are passionate to the point of actual rabidity and they have one of the coolest logos in the league. The current club is stacked. They have bats, they have arms, they have last year's AL MVP (Dustin Pedroia) they have prospects who would be stars on other clubs waiting in the minors (Clay Buchholz) and they stand as good a chance as any to win yet another title this year.

But I'm gonna pick them to finish second in the division. Reasons why following starting lineup:

Catcher -- Jason Varitek
First Base -- Kevin Youkilis
Second Base -- Dustin Pedroia
Third Base -- Mike Lowell
Shortstop -- Jed Lowrie
Left Field -- Jason Bay
Center Field -- Jacoby Ellsbury
Right Field -- J.D. Drew
DH -- David Ortiz

Starting Pitchers:

Josh Beckett (R)
Daisuke Matsuzaka (R)
Jon Lester (L)
Tim Wakefield (R)
Brad Penny (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Justin Masterson (R)
Takashi Saito (R)
Hideki Okajima (L)
Manny Delcarmen (R)
Javier Lopez (L)

Closer:

Jonathan Papelbon (R)

Bottom Line: The Red Sox are, as I mentioned earlier, fucking stacked. Rocco Baldelli, who they just picked up this offseason, is a wicked backup with ability pouring out his nostrils who could steal real playing time at any outfield spot. Varitek has seen better days, as has Don't-Say-Steroids Ortiz, but they still have some pop and plenty of guys who are just plain-ass good hitters, like Youk and the aforementioned midget MVP.

But they'll finish second to the New York Yankees for one reason: Mark Teixeira.

If the Sox had picked up Mr. Consistency, I'd have picked them in a heartbeat. He would have been the Manny replacement, the big bat in the middle of the order. The fact that they didn't land him hurt; the fact that he went to the Yankees hurt worse. I could be easily proved wrong by this, but for now...

Projected Finish: 2nd in AL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Baltimore Orioles

So it was incumbent upon me to break down both Eastern divisions in this lil' ongoing format of ours before Opening Day. Uh, oops.

Please bear with me, and read quickly, as I abandon any sense of style, intellectual honesty or common baseball sense over the course of 10 posts. This is like the time I waited until the last minute to write that paper, i.e. the decade of the '90s.

First up, the formerly great Orioles of Peter Angelos.

As I mentioned, these are going to come at you fast and furious. If you're looking for trenchant humor and interesting sentence structure, check out the Administrator's Fiction Fix--at least until I force it off the page by the sheer power of my accumulated lazy.

It's no mystery to anyone that the Orioles suck, and have sucked since at least the mid-to-late '90s. They have passionate fans, the first of the great classic-modern ballparks--and some would still say the best--but nothing worthwhile to put inside the thing for baseballic purposes. Their lineup:


Catcher -- Gregg Zaun
First Base -- Aubrey Huff
Second Base -- Brian Roberts
Third Base -- Melvin Mora
Shortstop -- Cesar Izturis
Left Field -- Felix Pie
Center Field -- Adam Jones
Right Field -- Nick Markakis
DH -- Luke Scott

Starting Pitchers:

Jeremy Guthrie (R)
Koji Uehara (R)
Mark Hendrickson (L)
Alfredo Simon (R)
Adam Eaton (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Chris Ray (R)
Jim Johnson (R)
Danys Baez (R)
Jamie Walker (L)
Dennis Sarfate (R)

Closer:

George Sherrill (L)

Bottom line: The Orioles have some excellent position players, like Brian Roberts, one of the two or three best two-sackers in the bigs, and Aubrey Huff, who had his best season in years in '08. Nick Markakis might jump out this year, too, but they're depending on eternal skill-tease Felix Pie in the outfield and Izturis is Mendoza-esque. Still, though, they might actually score some runs this year, which is good because that pitching staff is vile, George Sherrill faded badly last year and they play in a heavyweight division where even an improvement on last year's 68-93 record won't get them better than 4th. Sorry, downashore types. No Oriole for you.

Projected finish: 5th.
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Lineup Against the Wall: The Blasted Texas Rangers

Though I haven't been open about this matter all that often here inside this House of Georges, I'm certainly not one to lie: I cannot stand the state of Texas, and that goes for most everything associated with it. I sometimes have pipedreams of retiring on a farm and rolling around on a tractor all day, but if that were ever to happen, it certainly wouldn't be in the Lone Star State. I just can't get into a place that boasts about one-time resilient efforts to secede, one that identifies itself as the lone star in our great union, one that so carelessly flies its quiet flag of rebellion over a piece of land that was supposedly stolen from Mexico. And there's something about the ignorance of Texas pride that translates through their professional sports teams, too. I don't have a beef with the Mavericks, other than the implication the team name carries, but the Cowboys are obviously obnoxious clowns, and the Stars are just, well, stupid. The Houston Texans? Duh-umb. Now the Astros I had a boyhood affinity for, but I pay them little mind now. The Rangers, however, irritate the piss out of me, mostly because their team has been pretty bad for a while now, but typically manages to get the best of the Royals. Like the previous two nights, for example. They are, nevertheless, in the AL West, which falls under my umbrella of coverage, so after the jump, we'll have a look at them, and try to keep all biases aside.

If there's a team that has a chance at marked improvement in this division, it might very well be the Rangers. Granted, they've a long, uphill battle to reach Angels' status, but they should have little problem keeping Seattle in check, and if Ron Washington plays his cards right, they might even make the boys in Oaktown a bit nervous. Regarding their off-season activity, Texas didn't really do a whole lot on the surface. They pushed a lot of farm-system papers, and that may've been a wise decision. At least that way, they're thinking about the future, and they appear to be building a little pitching nest egg, which is smart. Up in the bigs, however, they didn't do much beyond inviting guys like Omar Vizquel, Andruw Jones, Eddie Guardado, and Jimmy Gobble, among others, to spring training. And to some degree, that's fine; they know what they've got to work with for 2009, and they're going to try and make the best of it. So, when they kick things off on Monday with a home-opener against the Tribe, they'll likely know what to expect. I imagine their lineup will look a bit like so:

1) 2B Ian Kinsler
2) RF Nelson Cruz
3) 1B Chris Davis
4) CF Josh Hamilton
5) SS Elvis Andrus
6) DH Andruw Jones or Hank Blalock
7) 3B Michael Young
8) LF David Murphy
9) C Jarrod Saltalamacchia

Frankly, that lineup isn't too bad. You have a couple of up-and-coming kids plugged in around some guys that can hit fairly consistently, and a couple can even mash. So, assuming that the Rangers won't struggle immensely producing runs, let's have a look at how their rubber-steppers look:

1) Kevin Millwood
2) Vicente Padilla
3) Kris Benson
4) Brandon McCarthy
5) Matt Harrison

This rotation might be the hardest to assess in the AL West. I gotta believe that the Texas brass knows a bit more about the game than I do, but I can't for the life of me understand how this club has continued to view Kevin Millwood as a number-one guy these past few years. He had a decent 2007, but only managed to put together nine wins last year, some of which is attributed to poor run support, I suppose. It looks as if he'll be their ace again this year, and kicking off the season against Cliff Lee and the Indians will be no small off-on-the-right-foot task. Next is Vicente Padilla, who actually notched 14 Ws last year, and together, the top two Texas starters have pretty decent strikeout-walk ratios. Things get fuzzy after that, though. Kris Benson hasn't seen any big-league action since 2006 when he was an Oriole, and his numbers then were run-of-the-mill at best. Brandon McCarthy looks to be the four guy, and he only tallied 22 innings of duty in '08. Matt Harrison is their only lefty, and his efforts last season weren't bad, but his E.R.A. was a darn near five and-a-half.

Now the bullpen doesn't look too bad. Actually, scratch that. They look really bad,



but they don't appear to be terrible. Most of their middle relief are big boys that can bring some heat, and their setup-closer pairing in C.J. Wilson and Frank Francisco should be able to get the job done. I certainly don't see any post-season hopes for this team, but they just might be making some strides to get the thing headed in the right direction.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Los Marineros de Seattle

Usually, when I hear "La Bamba," I don't think about Seattle baseball, but with regards to the club's 2008 campaign, I imagine a lot of MLBers took secret pride in thinking to themselves Yo no soy marinero. Seattle's American League-worst record last year -- they finished 61-101, with only Washington in the NL (59-102) doing worse -- was something of a feat in that division-winning Los Angeles, with their 100 wins created the biggest gap in record between first and last place in a division in all of baseball. Needless to say, the Mariners have their work cut out for them this year, and -- yep, you guessed it -- we'll examine what tools they'll use in an effort to improve in 2009, just after the jump.

When the Mariners take the field Monday in Minnesota, I hope for their sake that their skipper Don Wakamatsu has something up his sleeve when he pencils in the lineup, because from down here in my mom's basement, it doesn't look so hot:

1) RF Ichiro Suzuki 15-day DL with a bleeding ulcer. Ouch. Wladimir Balentien likely gets the nod in Suzuki's spot.
2) SS Yuniesky Betancourt
3) 3B Adrian Beltre
4) DH Ken Griffey, Jr.
5) 1B Russell Branyan
6) CF Franklin Gutierrez
7) LF Endy Chavez
8) 2B Jose Lopez
9) C Kenji Johjima

Now, maybe you swap Betancourt and Gutierrez, or perhaps you plug Lopez in higher up, say in Branyan's spot, but given that there's minimal speed on this team, especially with an injured Suzuki, and you never can tell how long Griff'll be healthy, there's automatically a trickier science involved when you attempt to get Mariners in scoring position, then actually advance them. Yes, you have a couple of bats that'll get you 20+ long balls, but the rest of the guys are sub-par at best. And then there's Johjima, who's just awful. So logic would suggest that you lean heavily on your pitching to keep you in games, which is fine, except when your starting rotation looks like this:

1) Felix Hernandez
2) Erik Bedard
3) Carlos Silva
4) Jarrod Washburn
5) Ryan Rowland-Smith

Now, the pro in that squad is that there's two lefties. The con is that they're all coming off of pretty rotten seasons. They had a combined 29 wins among the five. Combined. Their E.R.A. averaged out to 4.32, and not a one of them had a particularly staggering Ks-BBs ratio. Hernandez did fan 175 batters, but Bedard didn't even scrape the surface of what he accomplished in '07, and in all honesty, Ryan Rowland-Smith has just as good a shot as any of those cats at having the best year from the mound, and he's a bullpen promotee.

Speaking of the 'pen, I can think of two words to describe it: young and bad. So, if you can piecemeal some decent starts, and hope to God that your crappy middle relievers can keep you in the game, at least you have your closer. Unless his name is J.J. Putz, who's now cashing checks from the New York Mets. And in the vein of acquisitions, Seattles suits did very little. Yes, they got Griffey back, and true, Gutierrez and Branyan are new to town, but that ain't gonna get you any sympathy wins.

I'd like to say I see a silver lining in this Seattle club, but it ain't there. As a Royals fan, I never want to heap consecutive-100-loss-seasons on a team as a prediction, but I don't see any way around it for these guys. In fact, they might even lose more than last year.
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Lineup Against the Wall: The Oakland A's

We're back with installment two of our gear-up-for-opening-day baseball feature, and today's examinee is none other than the handsome swingers from Oakland. These Athletics are poised to challenge defending-division-champion L.A. and have had a relatively busy off-season in anticipation of doing just that. We'll have a look at one or two of their moves, as well as what the roster might look like, just after the jump.

In addition to a bustle of minor-league activity, Oakland's front office wasted little time over the winter, and kicked things off by the signing of former Colorado Rocky outfielder Matt Holliday. They gave up pitchers Huston Street and Greg Smith, as well as outfielder Carlos Gonzalez in the deal. A couple of months later, they inked a deal with the once-mustachioed Yankee Jason Giambi, a move I'm pretty sure made them the only club to have employed both Giambis. In recent months, they've shuffled a few more pitchers and outfielders around, making frequent transaction partners of both the Rockies and the Cubs. March, however, was their busiest month, one in which they brought another Thigpen into the professional-sports mold, this one a lad by the name of Curtis, and he's the kind of guy that squats behind the plate for his paycheck. They further bulked up their infield by shaking hands on one-year deals with Nomar Garciaparra and Orlando Cabrera. Thus, Billy has been one busy Beaner.

As far as real-time baseball, Oakland will kick off the season with a four-game road stand in Los Anaheim, and their lineup might look a bit like this:

1) 2B Mark Ellis
2) LF Matt Holliday
3) SS Orlando Cabrera
4) 1B Jason Giambi
5) DH options in Garciaparra, Jack Cust
6) RF Travis Buck
7) CF Ryan Sweeney
8) 3B Eric Chavez
9) C Kurt Suzuki

Now, that could be 100 percent wrong, largely because there's a lot of youth on the depth chart and with some of the aged ones listed in that lineup, you never know who'll be healthy. I mean, maybe you DH Giambi and put Nomar at first. And what do you do with that worthless slug Bobby Crosby? The A's, as mentioned, did a lot of shaking in the off-season, but they still have some holes to fill, like speed on the base paths, and consistency with quality plate appearances. This offense has some guys that can hit for power, but it's walking a fine line between long balls and steee-rike outs.

As far as pitching, it appears that Dallas Braden gets the nod for opening day. Behind him in the rotation are Justin Duscherer, (Blanche Feverpiss fantasy favorite) Dana Eveland, Sean Gallagher, and either of two yoots in Trevor Cahill or Brett Anderson. Forgetting for a moment, who gets the fifth spot, the one bright spot for Oakland is that they've got two lefties in the rotation. How they stack up statistically is another story. Duscherer led the green-and-yellow hurlers last year with 10 wins, the lowest E.R.A. and the best K-BB ratio. Everyone else toeing the slab was pretty frickin' mediocre. And the bullpen doesn't look much better. Frankly, it doesn't have a chance to look that good with such a run-of-the-mill rotation, but their numbers don't much help the cause either. Add to that that closer Joey Devine is headed for the DL, leaving Brad Ziegler with the responsibilty of mopping up many a potentially ugly situation.

Therefore, for my money the A's are screwed. If you ask Old No. 7, he might blame the fate of this franchise on the fact that they employ a grown man by the name of Joey. He has on more than one occasion, gone off on this oddity, a soliloquy I could not locate, but found, at very least some evidence of his Joey Harrington bromance. Anyway, I'd like to wish the A's some luck as they fight to maintain their second-place status quo, but I don't really give a shit. So get bent, Oakland. You and your Danas and Joeys.
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Lineup Against the Wall: (Eff It. They'll Always Be the) California Angels

Well, kids. We've just about made it. We're one week away from Opening Day 2009, and it's high time we had a look at the clubs that'll be participating in this campaign. This here feature is one of the many brilliant ideas crafted by proud new father Old No. 7, and in an effort to even the work load and make things interesting, I've suggested that all three sides of the Iron Triangle participate in this little exercise. I've suggested a number of things over the years, but they're usually bad ideas. Very bad ideas. We'll see how this one pans out, but for now, let's see how things look on the American League side of Los Angeles baseball this year. I'll bet you know by now just where we can accomplish such a thing. Before we head there, take note that I a) have no idea what rock'n'jocks means, nor do I intend to investigate, and b) must mention that (unfortunately) none of the above-pictured Angeles were non-roster invitees to this year's spring training.

The Angels are a fascinating club in many regards. Aside from the fact that they have die-hard fans that go by monikers such as Blanche Feverpiss, they embody a special brand of baseball. They successfully plug in a million little pieces of talent to all necessary parts of the roster, and they get an intelligent baseball mind to run the show. Their post-season exit in 2008 was, to me, one of the year's biggest surprises. I won't go so far as to speculate how well they'll do in October this year, but I will say that if I had to pick one team in all of baseball that was a sure-fire division-winner/post-season qualifier, it'd be California. Just why is an interesting combo of the aforementioned well-spread talent, baseball smarts, and because their division is just damn awful. But it's also because they're good, even if they employ third basemen whose parents missed the spelling bus in remarkable fashion. Let me Chow you what I mean.

In the off-season, they lost Mark Texeira and Francisco Rodriguez, two roster spots which leave some holes. They have, however, a pretty impressive lineup, nonetheless, which I imagine looks a little something like this:

1) 3B Chone Figgins
2) CF ToreEye Hunter
3) RF Big Bad Vlad
4) LF Bobby Abreu
5) SS Erick Aybar
6) 2B Howie Kendrick
7) 1B Kendrys Morales or Robb Quinlan (easily the biggest gap to fill in Tex's absence)
8) DH options in newly acquired Juan Rivera, Gary Matthews, Ryan Willits or Maicer Izturis (if you have to), and
9) C Mike Napoli, who I feel will thrive with the starting job this season.

In the rotation, you have:

1) John Lackey
2) Ervin Santana
3) Joe Saunders (the three of whom combined for 45 Angel wins in '08)
4) Jered Weaver, and
5) Dustin Moseley.

Now, this combo only gives you one lefty, but it's a solid one-through-three, not a bad four, and, well, five just might pan out okay for you.

The meat of the bullpen looks pretty solid as well. The top three Angels relievers averaged at a 2.40 ERA while killing the strikeouts-to-walks ratio (167-67), and scraping together 23 wins, which leads to K-Rod's replacement in Brian Fuentes, who just happened to net 30 saves last year for a pretty bad Rockies club.

Now, take all that, throw in the Seattle Mariners, who will likely stink up the joint again, the old college-try Oakland Athletics, and a surprisingly (spring-training) feisty Texas Ranger club, and you may as well just hand L.A. the pennant. Stranger things have, of course, happened, but I wouldn't gamble on the West being won by anyone else. Not this year, anyway.
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Lineup Against The Wall: Colorado Rockies

We're but a day away from yet another fake Opening Day, and in 48 hours we can kick of the season for reals. We've meandered through a selection of promising offensive baseball teams (and the Royals), so we might as well spend some time on the home state nine.

You may have heard, even if the only sport you follow is dog tossing, about the Colorado ROCKies. They attended the World Series last October ROCKtober after winning something like a hundred games in a row. That's hard to do. They then lost, of course, but all forty-three baseball fans in the Centennial State have boners ROCK COCKS over the prospect of a decent team on Blake Street.

So follow me, friends and foes, to Clint Hurdle's lineup card...

1. Willy Taveras CF
2. Clap Clap Clap-Clap-Clap Clap-Clap Clap-Clap TULO! SS
3. Matt Holliday LF
4. Todd Helton 1B
5. Garrett Atkins 3B
6. Brad Hawpe RF
7. Yorvit Torrealba C
8. Jayson Nix 2B
9. Pass

Pretty nice, huh? This team's fate will not be determined in the batter's box, of course, but on the mound. Still, getting this kind of depth and power out of your sticks never hurts.

Taveras is not a very dynamic hitter, but someday the kid Dexter Fowler should supplant him. Willy is a masterful bunter and speed demon, and he sets the table for the lumber due up next.

And then the Murderer's Row begins. Tulowitzki clubbed six jacks in spring training, and he definitely has the frame to add power to his already mature plate resume. Holliday is in the perfect position--nestled amidst guys who will hit and two years away from a massive FA payday in another city. Helton's not a conventional cleanup hitter in that he rarely homers anymore, but every other peripheral he has is stellar.

I wish the Rockies had seized the opportunity to trade for starting pitching, with arms like Santana, Bedard and Haren on the block. Atkins would have been a perfect chip, as he's on the verge of stardom yet still young and cheap. This would also open up an everyday spot for Ian Stewart or Jeff Baker. But, alas, it was not to be, and so Mark Redman is a vital cog in returning to the playoffs. Hawpe's a nice lefty bat to have among all the northpaws, and if he could cut down on his strikeouts he might replace Holliday someday as the straw that stirs the drink.

Yorvit, in addition to carrying the name of my future son, has had a fantastic spring. He's an able handler of pitchers with just enough power to keep you honest. Nix fills in for the departed Kazuo "Sex" Matsui, whose tale is, well, I'll let you read about it. I'm glad the ROCKies picked Nix, the superior defensive player, over the other options at second. They didn't need more production from this spot, but hampering what was in '07 an incredible web of leather on the infield would have been a mistake.

Rock on, kids, rock on.
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