Who Will Suck Most?
But the reader (that would be you) is what drives both conventional journalism and the new school of craptastic slander you're currently enjoying. And you readers are a funny lot--you want these predictions, even from unqualified morons such as myself. More accurately, you want me to make predictions, and then you want these predictions to be wrong (especially if they are about the teams you love), and then you want to rub my face in it. I don't understand this, but I am a slave to my audience. After the jump I'll get into some ridiculously inaccurate prognostication concerning the 2008 season.
But first, this link comes via the fine Rockie scribes at Purple Row. Read it, and several things might happen to you. You might be really, really ready to watch some baseball, especially baseball played in the United fucking States of America on natural grass at a decent hour of the day. You might be particularly excited to watch what transpires between the Rox and the D'Bags this season. You might want to pay a little more attention to amateur ball this year, as well as the June draft. And finally, you may feel the desire to throw down a few clams for a Tulo jersey, if you're into that sort of gay shit.
So here we are, on the cusp of Opening Day Version 2.2(a). If you look at all the clubs, all of their offseason moves, the trends in Spring Training, and injuries, you can pick up some distinct patterns. The popular parlor game in every sport is determining which teams will improve, the "sleepers" if you will. I can play that game, but what's just as fun is figuring out who will really, really suck. First, the up-and-comers (teams I think will improve on their '07 win totals by five or more):
TEAMS THAT WILL SUCK LESS
Toronto (83 wins in '07, 85.5 over/under for '08)
The Jays have excellent starting pitching and can mash a little, but they got nailed by injuries last season. They may be cursed, as Casey Janssen and Scott Rolen already went down in March. Or Canada may just suck at baseball like they do at everything else. If they're healthy at all, they could win 88.
Tampa Bay (66 in '07, 73.5 o/u)
That over/under indicates the fact that a lot of folks expect improvement in Tampa. The Bay-Rays are stocked with stud everyday players and promising young pitchers, and they added a few smart vets in Troy Percival and Cliff Floyd. Will they go to the playoffs? Absolutely not, but the gay Jays and the Bay-Rays should ensure that the AL wild card does not come out of the East.
Detroit (88 in '07, 93.5 o/u)
They'll have a great lineup, but many are worried about their pitching--especially the bullpen. Not me.
Kansas City (69 in '07. 71.5 o/u)
I already went over these guys.
N.Y. Mets (88 in '07, 93.5 o/u)
They absolutely collapsed down the stretch, and they got Johan Santana. If you average all of that out, I don't see how you don't find five more wins.
Atlanta (84 in '07. 84.5 o/u)
The Braves of the 90s are not back, but they could have outstanding pitching if they stay healthy (big if) and adding Teixeira to an already pretty-balanced lineup is a big plus.
Cincinnati (72 in '07, 79.5 o/u)
Another trendy pick, but I actually believe in these guys. I ought to, because I drafted virtually the entire roster for my fantasy team. But I see a real breakout in store. They have a potent mix of savvy old-timers like Griff, Dunn and Harang, an entering-his-prime superstar in Brandon Phillips, and a ton of badass prospects: Jay Bruce, Joey Votto, Edinson Volquez, and Johnny Cueto. Their bullpen is deep and potentially fearsome. And--sigh--Dusty Baker is running the show. Say what you will about the Lizard--I certainly have--but the man inexplicably wins in his first few years on the job. He's like the Herm Edwards of baseball. Mark it down, kids, the Reds will make the Central interesting, challenging the Cubs and Brewers and vaulting way past the Astros and Cards.
L.A. Dodgers (82 in '07, 87.5 o/u)
Fuck, I hate the Dodgers. Most people do, except gang members and old people. But this is, after all, a game with no salary cap, and when you spend a lot of money you occasionally get results. Combine those resources with a productive farm system and good pitching, and they might not underachieve again. How's that for a lefthanded compliment?
TEAMS THAT WILL SUCK MORE (at least five fewer wins than '07)
Baltimore (69 in '07, 65.5 o/u)
Someone has to move into the cellar of the AL East, and that somebody is the Orioles. They shipped out Bedard and Tejada and are trying like hell to do the same with Brian Roberts. Their bullpen blows. They do have Nick Markakis, however.
Minnesota (79 in '07, 72.5 o/u)
I'm beginning to think that Mauer and Morneau are incredibly overrated.
Oakland (76 in '07, 73.5 o/u)
You've got to give it to Billy Beane, he's trying to suck this year. He'd love to find takers for Joe Blanton and Eric Chavez, he'll give his kids playing time, and then re-emerge as a force next decade with a new park.
Philadelphia (89 in '07, 87.5 o/u)
Their pitching really stinks.
St. Louis (78 in '07, 78.5 o/u)
Their pitching really stinks.
Houston (73 in '07, 72.5 o/u)
Their pitching really stinks.
San Diego (89 in '07, 84.5 o/u)
Their pitching is good if aging, but I don't see them scoring enough runs to be a threat. They do have Mark Prior though.
San Francisco (71 in '07, 71.5 o/u)
They have a chance to be the worst baseball offense the world has ever seen. Bengie Molina is batting cleanup. Even if they pitch their ass off--and the rotation of Cain, Zito, Lincecum, Lowry, Correia and Dirty Sanchez could be great--they will lose a ton of games in a very deep division.
TEAMS THAT WILL SUCK ROUGHLY THE SAME (within five wins of their '07 total)
That would be everyone else, ace. If you want to make a few bucks, take the overs on the Rockies (82.5), Indians (88.5), Brewers (84.5) and the under on the Nats (70.5), in addition to the horrible insight I've given you above.
TEAMS THAT WILL SUCK THE MOST
Your preseason Bottom Twelve:
30. San Francisco
29. Baltimore
28. Washington
27. St. Louis
26. Pittsburgh
25. Oakland
24. Kansas City
23. Florida
22. Houston
21. Minnesota
20. Tampa
19. Texas
5 comments:
Dude, I hate the Dodgers too. I hate that swagger they carry around, even if they've basically had 20 years of mediocrity. Their fans suck too. Thugs, gang members, white guys with mexican accents, and old guys who think the game is "too fast" now. All you HoG readers east of Rivertucky are lucky you don't have to listen to Vic "the Brick" Jacobs on sports radio talk about "The Azul" as if they were some sort of dynasty. Yuck.
I'm headed to the Angels/Dodgers preseason game at the Green Chili Ballpark of Germanhome (alongside the banks of Rio Santa Ana), and trust me, I'll be wearing body armor. Those gangster fans come down the 5 fwy and terrorize the crap out of us rich, white, suburbanites.
Don't forget, your average Dodger fan also voted for Hillary.
See, here's the thing--if I had a team as a kid that *wasn't* the Cubs, it was the Dodgers.
My mom's a UCLA grad who grew up in the city, but really it was entirely because of my Dad's stepmom, Dot. She lived in Irvine and was--probably still is--a huge Dodger fan.
And, without going into every bit of the story, at one point in 1988 I legitimately thought I'd get to go to L.A. and see a World Series game. I didn't, of course, but still. The warmth remains.
Nothing against the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim, though.
So yeah, old people. Someone get me O'Malley on the wireless!
you won't be laughing when I knife your ass- I'll hurt you- white devil
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