A Vote For Pedro?

Coming into this World Series (that's the World Series of Baseball, not to be confused with the ongoing poker reruns), I felt that the Yankees had the better club and would win their 27th championship. Not much that happened last night changes my gut feeling, although a few things surprised me. I knew the Phillies had a deep, patient, AL-caliber lineup, but the fact that they could run C.C. Sabathia's pitch count up in seven innings and get to New York's vulnerable middle relievers was eye-opening. I also couldn't believe that Cliff Lee was that good against the Yankee bats. How in the world did this dude go 7-9 in the AL before his midseason trade to Philly?

I know the Phillies have an excellent ball club, but my biggest doubts concerning their title hopes lie in the remainder of their starting rotation, specifically tonight's pitcher Pedro Martinez. How can a guy who was unemployed for most of the summer after his disastrous four-year stint as a Met be the No. 2 starter for a Series contender? Did you see Pedro pitch the last two seasons? He was terrible.

I know, he's been solid in Philly thus far, and he helped clinch the NLCS with seven innings of shutout ball against the Dodgers last week. But seriously, what can you expect out of Pedro tonight, against baseball's most potent offense?

The media loves the idea of old guys shining in huge spots when everyone has written them off--this is because the media is packed with old guys. Cue Brett Favre leaping into the arms of a lineman, or Tom Watson chugging down a British Open fairway. If Pedro comes out tonight and mows down the Yankees, giving his team two road wins with the next three games scheduled for Philly, the aged sports-hack gallery will shower him with accolades. For his "grit" and "poise" and "defiance of Father Time," or whatever cliches they'll employ.

I'm not saying this can't happen, I'm just saying I seriously doubt that Pedro won't get hammered this evening. I don't want him to fail--Pedro is one of my favorite pitchers of all time and I'd love to see the Yankees lose this Series. I just can't suppress my rational side to allow my hopeful romantic self to believe in Pedro tonight.

What I can believe in, however, is the probability that the Phillies will pound A.J. Burnett just as hard as the Yankees abuse Pedro, and that this game will get thrown to the bullpens, and that Philly could end up winning anyway. That's an outcome I can get behind that doesn't involve a belief in unicorns, UFOs or Pedro turning back the clock.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 6-12-08

In between my periodic sips of Bud Selig's joy juice and Big Papi's taint sweat, I suppose I should find time to preview the day games in the horribly unfair and grotesque sport of baseball. To the 442,692 losers that attended an MLB game yesterday, and to the millions that tuned in to a broadcast, y'all are some buffoons. And you probably seduce children, damage the ozone layer, and engage in predatory lending to boot. Dicks.

Just for you villains who hate America, Mr. Selig has scheduled nine, count 'em, nine festivals of capitalist oppression. If you watch them, somewhere a puppy will be electrocuted, so enjoy, assholes...

Washington @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain If you're a fan of extraneous "N"s in guys' surnames, boy is this game for you. The starting pitchers are nnonne other thann Jason Bergmann and Tom Gorzelanny. If you'd like to buy a vowel please contact your closest concession stand between innings two and six.

Chicago White Sox @ Detroit, 11:05 The Pale Hose continue to hold on to first in the AL Central--at press time their lead was five and a half over the Twins and a full nine games over these Tigers. Buster Olney, who's far smarter than me on these matters, claims that if Dontrelle Willis does not regain major-league form (he's currently the highest-paid member of the Class A Lakeland Tigers), the trade that sent him and Miguel Cabrera from Florida to The D for a bucketful of hot prospects will go down as the worst ever. Wow. Crafty lefthanders Mark Buehrle and The Gambler/Roaster go in this one.

Arizona @ NY Mets, 11:10 Three All-Star pitchers were traded in the offseason (four if you count Dontrelle, which I don't). Two of them will face off today for their new clubs as Dan Haren represents the D'Bags and Johan Santana flies the flag of Los Mets. Meanwhile Erik Bedard sits at home with his dick in his hand.

Milwaukee @ Houston, 12:05 These two clubs haven't been NL Central rivals for long--the Brew Crew has only been in the division since 1998. These two cities, however, have been locked in a fierce battle for a century. A battle over who can claim the crown as America's Fattest Metropolis. Houston has dominated this contest for years, which pisses Milwaukee off to no end. They've been ingesting bratwurst, cheese curds and dark beer at an alarming rate, just to beat those Texas douchebags next year. Ben Sheets and Brian Moehler start today, and there will be no sausage races.

Texas @ Kansas City, 12:10 This one hardly seems fair. A whole state against one city? Luckily for the hometown Royals, they send plucky Brian Bannister to the hill opposite some dude named Eric Hurley. Joe Posnanski is surely transfixed to this contest, which makes him a sucker, a punk and probably an Islamic extremist. Real Americans like hockey and soccer.

Atlanta @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 As per usual, Wrigley Field has to barge in on BITD. You guys insist on being invited to every party, don't you? Today, on the city block bordered by Sheffield, Addison, Waveland and Clark, Tim Hudson's Atlanta Braves take on Carlos Zambrano's North Side Bruins. Carlos is a good hitter, and he really likes his porn.

San Francisco @ Colorado, 1:05 These two clubs played a really remarkable game last night. I suppose the novelty of pitchers' duels at Coors Field hasn't completely worn off yet. After a couple of gems hurled by Tim Lincecum and Ubaldo Jimenez, the game was 0-0 entering the bottom of the ninth. The Rox loaded 'em up with one out before Yorvit Torrealba lifted a short fly to left. Barry Bonds and his little girl arm Fred Lewis sent a throw home that beat Garrett Atkins to the plate, but the ball was dropped and everyone in LoDo got laid. Today you'll see Dirty Jonathan Sanchez against rookie Greg Reynolds.

LA Dodgers @ San Diego, 1:35 Jake Peavy, whose trip to the DL coincided with the Padres' nosedive, returns to the mound today. Actually, that's not true, the Friars have actually played pretty well without their ace, and last week they won four consecutive 2-1 games, which about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Trying to spoil Peavy's homecoming will be Hiroki Kuroda and his G.I. Joe kung fu grip.

Baltimore @ Boston, 4:05 This is another semi-early start time necessitated by the NBA Finals, but I don't see it wrapping up quickly. Your starters are Jeremy Guthrie and Jon Lester, both of whom tend to nibble and walk a fair share of dudes. Lester's returning from his baloney five-game suspension, and I can't wait for the next time the Sox play those bitch-ass Bay-Rays. Someone's taking one in the ribs, and then we're playing the feud--Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 6-10-08

In the beginning, there was no BITD on this Tuesday. But lo, through the intervention of the Gods of Baseball, a game was rescheduled. We thus have a contest commencing prior to when we get off work. And by "we" I mean the fine gents in the Mountain and Pacific time zones who toil at 9-to-5 gigs.

So rejoice, congregants, and give thanks and praise to the Creator and his disciples. There is baseball, sweet glorious baseball, on tap today.

Baltimore @ Boston, 4:05 Mountain I don't have the slightest clue as to why this one got bumped up an hour. (Update: Now I do.) But like Bob Knight once said, if something is inevitable, you may as well just relax and enjoy it.

A couple of nasty-stuff-wielding pitchers start today in Daniel Cabrera of the O's and Josh Beckett of the Sox. One might think that "stuff" was their only similarity, since Beckett is a two-time World Series winner while Cabrera is a model of mediocrity with his 45-51 career record. But you'd best hold up with those assumptions there, son. Beckett has been hovering dangerously close to his disappointing 2006 numbers, especially in HR allowed. He's yielded 11 jacks this season after only 17 all of last year. That's good for 1.35 per nine, after .76/9 IP in '07 (his '06 rate was 1.58/9 IP).

But still, he's the ace, and he does pitch with those bloodshot stoner eyes and kill deers good to boot. So root, root, root for the home team and go Play Ball!
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Lineup Against The Wall: The Evil Empire

We just need to make one thing clear at the House of Georges: the Anaheim River German Pepper Angels are the best team in baseball. It's been made abundantly clear that not only will they win the World Series, they'll probably win between 140 and 162 games. We apologize for missing the obvious fact that they have zero weaknesses and are also blessed by the Lord with utter infallibility. Please forgive us, Jesus and Angels fans.

Now let's move on to yet another team who will be shittier than the Angels, which of course is every one of them. The New York Yankees, who've made the playoffs every year since gas was a nickel, return with yet another $200 million payroll, yet another powerhouse lineup and yet another fan base full of dicks (Full disclosure: the Red Sox are just as bad, only they win these.). They're like Al Qaeda, only less huggable.

Once again, this club will win, but once again, their ultimate success will be determined by their pitching staff. It's looking shaky on the mound, what with an ace that strikes nobody out, a horse who wants to quit, a fading star, a wunderkind with no defined role, and a bunch of kids.

But they'll score. A lot. here are your 2008 Yankees, one through nine:

1. Robinson Cano 2B
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Bobby Abreu RF
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Hideki Matsui DH
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Johnny Damon LF
8. Jason Giambi 1B
9. Melky Cabrera CF

If you have the means to field an All-Star at every position, kids, and care only about winning this year, this is the lineup you end up with. Everyone will score 80+ runs and most everyone will drive in 80+ runs. I'd still bat Damon leadoff, as he's fully healthy this year for the first time in a while, but there's nothing wrong with getting Cano (a rising superstar) more at-bats. Most everyone here can run, and it's possible that everyone except Matsui, Posada and the first basemen will steal double-digit bases.

I have no idea how Joe Girardi will juggle at-bats and the DH spot. Obviously, all these veterans will need rest (and many will get hurt). Cabrera has gone from supersub to a deserved full-time role, but Shelly Duncan has had a scorching spring (although he'll get detention for some frisky sliding). He'll spell the corner OF spots as well as giving Giambi a break against lefties.

Wilson Betemit and Morgan Ensberg will serve as infield reserves, and one or more Molina brothers back up Posada.

Last year this club was first in the AL in everything: batting average, OPS, runs and home runs. Expect similar output, which should still be good for near the top of the league no matter how awesome Detroit's offense is. As a fantasy geek alert, look for a big year out of Abreu, who's in the last year of his contract. He, along with Giambi, Mussina and (probably) Pettitte will all come off the books next winter, so here come C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeria and ten other awesome dudes. Fuckers.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 8-30-07

Here on the penultimate afternoon of August, four day games flavor the palette of baseball. All four have possible playoff implications, and one is the latest edition of the greatest rivalry in sports.

From the venerable old Stadium in the Bronx, the Red Sox and Yankees play the final game of their three-episode midweek drama. The Bombers have taken the first two behind the strong pitching of Rocket and Andy Petitte, and have trimmed Boston's AL East lead to a six-pack. It's still the biggest spread in baseball, but because of the history of these two franchises we have to speculate about whether it's possible for the Yankees to catch the Olde Towne Team. It all comes down to simple mathematics.

At the outset of this series, I figured the Sox would need to win one of the remaining six games the two teams had scheduled (they play three at Fenway in mid-September). In taking that one contest, Boston would allow New York to pick up a maximum of four games head-to-head, half of what they need (the lead was 8 as of Tuesday morning). I further deduced that Boston's easier schedule (more home games, more games against crappy teams) would lead them to the division title.

Well, that's all well and good, but you still need to win that one game. The assignment in this suddenly big, important game goes to old Curt Schilling, who's won more big, important games than any pitcher still drawing a big-league paycheck. He'll step on to the same mound where he once bled through his sock and attempt to shut 50,000 New Yorkers up.

His doppelganger will be Wang, who's having another nice season (15-6, 3.95). Of much more import to Boston than slowing the Yankee lineup is scoring runs off of Wang--their offense has gone into another funk, and now Man-Ram is hobbled with an oblique injury. It should, as always, be fun, and it all kicks off at 11:05 Mountain on XM 176, DTV 734 (SD) and 731 (HD).

At the same time from the City Of Steak N' Cheese, the Phillies attempt a sweep of the Mets. To call such a sweep improbable is a vast understatement: the way these two teams were playing last week you'd have given the Phils a one-in-ten shot at even splitting the four-game series. Yet here we are. The home team has cut the Metropolitan's division lead in half, from six to three, and Philly is within the same distance of the wild card lead. El Duque, who's played in his fair share of big games himself, is the Met starter, opposite Kyle Lohse, who's one of only two Native Americans in Major League baseball (the other is Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain). XM 183 and DTV 735 are your audio/video options.

At noon the Tigers and Royals square off at The Kauff on XM 180 and DTV 737. Detroit continues to defy logic--after taking three of four from the Yankees over the weekend they've dropped consecutive games to the fourth-place Royals.

Their starter today is Jeremy Bonderman, who's even more mystifying than his employer. Once thought of as one of the best young pitchers in the game, Bonderman has absolutely sucked donkey balls since the All-Star Break. He's lost six straight decisions and today faces Leo Nunez. The defending Al champion Tigers are clinging to their postseason lives, currently 4 1/2 behind the Indians in the Central and three back of the wild card lead.

Finally, also at noon, the Cardinals and Astros get one in at Minute Maid Park. Assbag loser Joel Pineiro starts for St. Louise, while Matt Albers toes the slab for Houston. Following the Astros' shutout win last night and the Brewers' impersonation of a big league club, the Cards are still two behind the Cubbies in the NL Central. This one can be found on XM 187 and DTV 736. Cheers!
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