Lineup Against The Wall: Chicago Cubs

Before we let fly with another edition of our preseason offensive preview, I must comment on the latest shenanigans down in Florida. I'm pretty excited about the Joe Girardi Era, so long as he's going to let the Bay-Rays get under his team's skin. I predict that Joe and Hank Steinbrenner brawl in a clubhouse tunnel by May.

Moving on, let's talk Cubs baseball. I heard somewhere that it's been awhile since the Chicago Nationals won it all, and I say hey, anyone can have a bad century. Dempster says it's their year, so I'll play along. I do know that this team's going to put a few runs on the hand-cranked Wrigley scoreboard, so let's examine how.

I can claim a legitimate "scoop," as I just heard on XM Radio that Lou Piniella is considering shuffling his lineup and dumping Soriano from the leadoff role. So technically it's their scoop, but all I know is that we beat Bleed Cubbie Blue to the punch. So suck on that. We're not the 948th-best Cubs blog on the TubeStreams for nothing, slackers.

And here are your 2008 Baby Bears, one through nine:

1. Ryan Theriot SS
2. Alfonso Soriano LF
3. Derrek Lee 1B
4. Aramis Ramirez 3B
5. Welcome To The Fukodome RF
6. Mark DeRosa 2B
7. Geovany Soto C
8. Felix Pie's Nutsack CF

I personally dig the move, although Theriot needs to refine his plate approach to make it work. I hate Soriano in the leadoff spot, I think it's a waste of his talent. I know he can run, and on a supremely loaded offense like the Yankees he could be a luxury in the one-spot. But the Cubs need him to both steal bases and drive in runs, and moving him down even one spot will help.

Plus, leading off in the National League is kind of a bitch. You spend the first six innings of the game watching the pitcher flail right in front of you, thus insuring that you always come up with no one on and/or outs already recorded. Let Theriot take that bullet.

Both Theriot and Soriano will need to up their OBP, regardless of where they slot. Both hovered around .330 last year, and Soriano struck out 130 times. I'll bet Cubs fans cannot wait to see Soriano's game at the end of his contract in 2014, when he's 260 pounds.

Lee and Ramirez are pros in the 3-4 spots, as is Mark DeRosa at No. 6. Sandwiched in between is Fuck-A-Dome, this year's expensive new toy. I'll be shocked if he gets to 20 HR this year, but I do expect him to hang around .300 and drive in 80+. Geovany Soto is supposed to be both a dynamite receiver and force with the bat--a future franchise catcher.

But no discussion of Cubbie hitters can take place without discussing the scrotum of Felix Pie. Oh my. Felix's frankfurter is in intensive care, following a handful of gruesome procedures that you can read about if you like stories about junk incisions.

Oh, and we won't be talking about the Astros this March, but current 'Stro and ex-Rockie Kazuo "Sex" Matsui is having some issues south of the border as well. Good day...