Wednesday Whatnot: No. Really. Big. Fat. Idiot.

What better a way to remember someone than by loading up statements into the racist pipe.



For this, and many other gems, we thank ye, Rush Limbaugh

(clip courtesy of Media Matters)
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Playoff Baseball In The Daytime, And Nighttime: First Pitch '09

Today we kick off a little thing known as the Major League Baseball Playoffs. In our minds it seems as though that bubble was burst yesterday, with the Twins' extra-innings win over the Tigers. But that festival of screwup in the Metrodome was merely a regular-season tiebreaker -- today is the real deal.

We've got a tripleheader on tap, with all games broadcast on the TBS. That's right, y'all, no Buck or McCarver until the ALCS starts next week. Our first game includes a heaping helping of local color in the person of your Colorado Rockies, so join us after the jump for today's orgy of baseball...

Colorado @ Philadelphia, 12:37 Mountain Both today's and tomorrow's games in the City Of Brotherly drop at this absurd noonish hour, a direct result of the Rockies' lack of national magnetism. The Philly phaithful are pissed about this, and demand is so light that one can acquire a nosebleed seat to today's game for less than a c-note on the black market.

Ubaldo Jimenez assumes his rightful role as the Colorado ace and Game 1 starter, while midseason acquisition Cliff Lee gets the ball from Charlie Manuel. Both are capable of complete domination, but only one has experience pitching in the postseason. Jimenez was on the staff of the '07 Rocktober club, but Lee was not on the Indians' playoff roster that autumn.

The question marks in Jim Tracy's lineup are found at third base (Ian Stewart or righty-hitting Garret Atkins versus the lefty Lee?), catcher (Yorvit Torrealba played most of September, but Chris Ianetta has crouched much of the last week), and in the outfield (the normal alignment of Gonzalez-Fowler-Hawpe, or a wild card such as Seth Fucking Smith or RH Ryan Spillborghs?). Regardless of the particulars, everyone knows that the Rockies have had a harder time hitting lefties this season (.253/.335/.430 against LHP vs. .264/.346/.445 against RHP), and they will face Lee, Cole Hamels and J.A. Happ in this series. If they can get to the bullpen, however, the Rockies will see almost no southpaws (unless Happ is assigned to relief). J.C. Romero, Scott Eyre and Jamie Moyer are all hurt.

As for the Phillies, they boast a prodigious power-and-speed lineup along with rings from last year's championship. The fact that Colorado's only lefty starter (Jorge De La Rosa) will not pitch in this series to Philly's lefty sluggers (Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Raul Ibanez) is pretty devastating to the Rockies' hopes.

The deck seems stacked against the Rockies, but Tracy is some sort of voodoo witch doctor. My guess is that he has one more potion in his bag of tricks for these Phillies. SERIES PREDICTION: ROCKIES IN FIVE.

Minnesota @ NY Yankees, 4:07 21 hours after killing off the Tigers, the Twins get a date with the 103-win Yankees at the Stadium. All you need to know about this game is that the Yankees' new park is an absolute bandbox, and the weather forecast calls for 10-40 mph winds blowing out to center. Expect copious home runs, mostly by the home team. Brian Duensing is Minnesota's sacrificial lamb, while C.C. Sabathia starts for the Bombers. SERIES PREDICTION: YANKEES IN THREE.

Cardinals @ Dodgers, 7:37 The late game features two teams that limped down the stretch, but still coasted in thanks to massive division leads. Although the Dodgers have home field here, everyone's picking St. Louis thanks to their Cy Young-y 1-2 pitching punch of Chris Carpenter/Adam Wainwright and their MVP-ish hitting combo of Albert Pujols/Matt Holliday. LA's issues start with their thoroughly pedestrian rotation (Randy Wolf starts tonight opposite Carpenter) and their punchless cleanup hitter (Manny Ramirez, who's hit just one HR since Sept. 9). Try as I might to find a way for the Dodgers to prevail, I just don't think they're very good. SERIES PREDICTION: CARDINALS IN FOUR.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 23 September 2009

Yet again, but one day game highlights our major league calendar. I know the kids are back in school, and these clubs are simply trying to milk every last buck out of the season before shutting down for the winter. But I've got another reason for Baseball In The Daytime: It's cold!

The temperature at Coors Field for last night's Rockies-Padres game was Farenheit 45 at first pitch. By the end of the 11-10 home team win, stalagtites of snot were seen forming on Jason Giambi's handlebars. This is no way to play the game, use the daytime. That's the end of our public service announcement, join us for the game preview (and a little Cy Young political activism) after the jump...

NY Yankees @ Los Anaheim, 1:35 Scott Kazmir starts for Los Angels today, and there's a rumor working the circuit that Kazmir would be Mike Scoscia's choice to pitch Game 1 of the AL Division Series. This is a joke, right? I know that Kazmir has been solid since coming over from the Bay-Rays, and that he's a historic Red Sox killer, but going with Kazmir over John Lackey is cuckoo. Lackey is a horse, the ace of the staff, and a playoff veteran. I never thouhgt I'd call Mike scoscia a dope, but if he goes with Kazmir over Lackey the shoe might fit. A.J. Burnett is your Yankee pitcher, and Joe Girardi is desperately looking for a way to hide Burnett in his playoff rotation. Fun times at the Big A today.

In almost completely unrelated news, I saw a bit on Joe Posnanski's blog (last paragraph) about a gentleman named Patrick Reusse. Reusse is a sports columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and a part-time radio personality. Apparently while on the radio yesterday Reusse said that Zack Greinke will need to win at least 16 games to get consideration for his--Reusse's--Cy Young vote. I tried to listen to Posnanski's link to the broadcast but couldn't get it to work, so I have no idea about the accuracy of the statement or its context, but I'm still steamed.

The fact that this Reusse would deny Greinke the Cy, after Greinke has posted not only the indisputably best season of any pitcher in the AL but the best season of any pitcher this decade is nutty enough. But to announce to the world that his reason for potentially doing so is that he needs 16 wins (not 20, not 11, not 85, but 16) is completely bonkers. I know awards are stupid, and that they often go to undeserving recipients, but I see a unique opportunity in baseball history here. In the past the Patrick Reusses of the world worked solely for newspapers, and they were insulated from their readers and the world around them. No baseball writer ever discussed his votes for the Cy Young award or the MVP, never. The secret ballot was sacred.

Now, most of your Patrick Reusse types do what Patrick Reusse does, out of survival. They chatter on the radio. They pop up on television. They blog. They work harder more, across more platforms, in order to make a living. As a result, they're forced to come up with more shit to discuss, more than would simply fill three 500-word columns a week. And if they're Cy Young voters, they have a golden fountain of interesting talk-radio fodder. I could care less about the spoken opinions of Pat Reusse, Twin Cities lunchbag sportswriter. But Pat Reusse, Baseball Writer of America Member and Cy Young Voter, let me hear that. That's interesting. Unfortunately, his voting method is idiotic.

So I emailed Pat Reusse, (you can too, preusse@startribune.com) with my feelings about this topic. I was polite, and I didn't call him a moron. If he gives his Cy vote to C.C. Sabathia, however, moron will be the nicest thing I label Patrick Reusse. The email:

Mr. Reusse,

I'm writing in regards to your vote for the American League Cy Young award. It's my understanding that you have gone on the record to say that Zack Greinke needs to win at least 16 games to garner your vote for the Cy. Now it's your vote, and your business what you do with it, but the fact is that you announced to the world some of your criteria for that vote, and I have an opinion about that. I respect you as a journalist and a baseball man, but I think saying that 16 wins is mandatory for a Cy Young season is not commensurate with the spirit of the award.

In your previous Cy Young votes have you imposed this 16-win standard? I wonder where, exactly, you arrived at this figure as the threshold for excellence. Perhaps you have a valid set of standards for doing so that I have missed. I've always been bothered by the rigid adherence to certain arbitrary counting numbers in the game of baseball.

20 wins, for instance, has over my lifetime always been the line of demarcation for a great pitching season--even though since we've set that standard we've changed the number of games teams play in a season from 154 to 162, we've gone from four-man rotations to the current five-, and we've radically altered usage patterns with relief pitchers. Yet 20 wins remains the benchmark for excellence. There's nothing inherently evil with that--20 wins is great, and is in fact significant. But what gets me is that if you don't reach that plateau you're downgraded too severely. Let's say we have three pitchers, and one wins 24 games, one wins 20 and one wins 19. The 24-game winner would be universally applauded, and rightfully so. The 20-game winner would also get many accolades, and probably more Cy Young votes, than the 19-game winner, because he simply notched one more victory. The reason he won that single contest could be that he's much better than the 19-game winner. But it could also be pure luck, more run support, a better defense, a pitcher's park, or any of a hundred reasons why one team beats another on a single day.

Same goes with hitting .300, or collecting 200 hits in a year, or 3,000 hits in a career, or winning 300 games as a pitcher. Doing any of these things requires great skill as a ballplayer, but falling just short sometimes condemns that player to baseball purgatory. In my opinion Bert Blyleven is better than at least a dozen pitchers in the Hall of Fame, yet the fact that he ended his career 13 wins shy of 300 has haunted him. Johan Santana won Cy Young awards in 2004 and 2006, but finished third in the voting in 2005 despite leading the AL in strikeouts, WHIP and ERA+. His ERA was second in the league that year, yet his win total of 16 was tied for fifth. Bartolo Colon won the Cy Young in 2005, despite finishing 8th in both ERA and strikeouts. But Colon led his league with 21 wins, thus trumping an obviously superior season from Santana. All because of a silly adherence to the magical value of 20 wins.

Now C.C. Sabathia will get two more starts this season, and in those he will have a chance to win his 19th and 20th games. Zack Greinke will also start twice more, and it's possible that he could end up stuck on 15 wins. Even if their win totals were to end up with that wide disparity, every other statistical measure says that Greinke is the better pitcher in 2009. Sabathia has the benefit of working for a team that will win over 100 games, Greinke labors for a club that is currently 25 games under .500. Even if you simply throw out all the stats and numbers, just watching Greinke pitch it's obvious that he's on a higher level than Sabathia (or Felix Hernandez or Roy Halladay or Justin Verlander or anyone else in the AL). I would beg you, as a fan of the game of baseball, to reconsider your requirement of 16 wins for Greinke to earn your Cy Young vote. Up to this point he's been the finest pitcher in the American League, and he deserves it.

By the way, I'm not a Royals fan--I actually root for the Red Sox.

Thanks for your time,
(REDACTED)

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Baseball In The Daytime: 12 August 2009

Five games dot our landscape of day baseball this morning and afternoon, and we have teams representing five of the United States and one Canadian province. Break out your atlas and a rosin bag and get ready to head round the world of baseball...

Toronto @ NY Yankees, 11:05 Mountain The Yanks keep bulldozing toward a seemingly inevitable AL East crown, which will buy Joe Girardi at least two weeks of job security. Lose in the first round again, though, and Joe might be toast. A.J. Burnett, today's starter against his former BJ's teammates, holds a major key to the Bombers' postseason puzzle. If he can be an effective No. 2 behind Commander Cheeseburger, start planning a tickertape parade down Broadway. If he acts like A.J. Burnett, though, and the load falls to Joba and Pettite, Girardi may want to hold off on buying Manhattan real estate. Ricky Romero hurls for the visitors.

Oakland @ Baltimore, 11:35 It's very possible that these two clubs will sport two of the finest young staffs in the majors next year. Of course, a big reason for that is because they have zero veterans and they're playing kids that would be normally be in the minors. Oakland's Vin Mazzaro looks like a future ace, but he gets lit up a lot because he's 22. Oriole Jason Berken, a relative graybeard at 25, is not among Baltimore's elite prospects like Chris Tillman, Brian Matusz and David Hernandez, but he still shows big-league potential.

Tampa @ Los Anaheim, 1:35 After their deadline deal to trade their old "Devil" name to the Yankees fell through, the Bay-Rays were able to get the moniker through waivers this week. It's possible that the Angels, in need of some thump for the stretch drive, might deal Tampa a lefty reliever and a player to be named later, because the Los Anaheim Devil-Angels of Costa Mesa is a fucking sweet tag. On the field, these two gangs take up hostilities again this afternoon, after the Halos swept the first two games of this series. Jeff Niemann tries to salvage one for the Bay-Rays, while Trevor Bell becomes the 100th pitcher to start a game for the Angels this season.

NY Mets @ Arizona, 1:40 In an air-conditioned box in downtown Phoenix, two lousy baseball teams will play a baseball game that means absolutely nothing. If no one attends and they forget to turn on the cameras, will it actually happen? Of course it will, there are fantasy implications. Oliver Perez and Jon Garland take the balls from their respective catchers, and if you're counting on either Oliver Perez or Jon Garland for your fantasy baseball hopes today, I'd suggest some strong liquor.

LA Dodgers @ San Francisco, 1:45 The Giants rolled into this series after beating up on some damn good teams, including taking a series from the defending champion Phillies. They'd closed to within four and a half of the Dodgers, who'd lost 10 of 15 and have No. 1 starter Chad Billingsley gimpy and missing today's start.

So what happens? The Dodgers simply fuck the Giants up in the first two games of the series and stand to sweep today. San Fran has very nice pitching, but even with Fat Ichiro and new additions Ryan Garko and Freddy Sanchez their lineup is really, really weak. At least reigning Cy Younger Tim Lincecum starts today, against Weaver. Which Weaver, you ask? Both brothers play in SoCal, they have similar haircuts, and both of their first names start with J. So which one? The bad one. Oh, you mean Jeff. Try to throw strikes, my brother, and Play Ball!
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Friday Morning Fracas: Makin' Posts Outta Nothin' At All

Stuff and junk, after the jump.

The Denver Broncos are close to getting a five-year deal signed with first-round pick Knowshon Moreno. And in Kansas City, it appears that the Chiefs are also close to a five-year deal with fifth overall pick Tyson Jackson.

Speaking of Denver, 13,000 strong booed the Broncos last night, leading head Denver idiots Kyle Orton and Josh McDaniels to say things like, "We have good fans," and "I've been around for a while," respectively. Really, Kyle? Really Josh? Did you guys know they just found the Loch Ness monster, too?

Royals fans: If you can't imagine things being worse than this season, then do not click here to read about what's going on down on the farm. Consider yourselves warned.

If you haven't read this headline about nasty ol' Pig Slapi, peep it. It's a good one.

I mentioned yesterday that there was day baseball on the MLB.TVs. Apparently, there's plenty more of that to come. Hip, hip, hooray! for day baseball.

I remember being stoked when it was announced that the Chiefs would be on HBO's "Hard Knocks." Of course, an unnamed colleague of mine promptly rained on my parade by mentioning that every team that'd been on it immediately had a terrible season, which panned out for them, as well as the previously featured Dallas Cowboys and Baltimore Ravens. But...what happens if you put an already shitty team on the program? Like the Cincinnati Bengals? Do they make a Super Bowl run? We shall see.

If you haven't checked in with ol' JoePos recently, he's doing a Yuni watch, and pimping his new book pretty hard core:




Speaking of Joe, put this in your pipe and smoke it.

Oh, boy. We're in for a doozy of a weekend.

And, a giant Gemma Atkinson bikini collection.

Happy Friday, people.
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Deadline Deliberations Deliver Delicious Drama, And Pizza

The non-waiver trading deadline in Major League Baseball passed a couple hours ago, and in contrast to recent years this one actually had some spice. If I have one request of you, the educated House of Georges baseball fan, it's this: be aware that trades will still get made for the next month. Don't be that guy, the one that wonders aloud in a week why the Cubs acquired some dumpy reliever from the Padres. We've been over this.

There was also some news that popped out yesterday, news about a couple of fringe utility guys that may or may not have played for my favorite ballclub, allegedly testing positive in a fake survey test back when steroids were totally legal. I have no idea about any of this, I don't really follow baseball very closely.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE RED SOX? Glad you asked, this team doesn't get nearly the attention lavished upon such large-market juggernauts as the Pittsburgh Pirates and Asheville Tourists. Boston pulled off the deal for the most immediately impactful player, Indians catcher Victor Martinez. After a sluggish '08, V-Mart has rebounded with an All-Star campaign this season (although he's slowed noticeably in the second half).

Martinez will take over nominally from Jason Varitek as the Sox starting catcher, although I doubt he'll don the tools of ignorance more than four times a week. He'll also spell Kevin Youkilis at first and Large Papi (Winstrol-free since 2003!) at DH, as well as providing even more insurance for gimpy Mike Lowell (Youk can slide to third). If that ain't enough versatility for ya, Martinez is also a switch-hitter with power and can recite many Jeff Foxworthy comedy routines. Good guy to have around.

In case you thought Sox GM Theo Epstein was only good for big-boy serious deadline moves, he also provided quite a bit of slapstick over the last few weeks. He designated Julio Lugo for assignment in anticipation of cutting him, except the Cardinals were actively looking for a strikeout-prone shortstop with hands of stone. So Theo shipped Julio to the Lou in exchange for Chris Duncan, who's equally awful only younger and able to get sent down to the farm. Enjoy Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Theo traded a couple of disposable prospects to Pittsburgh for Adam LaRoche, one of the uglier active big-leaguers (even uglier than Duncan and Lugo). Today he capped off this spree with a final swap of LaRoche for Atlanta first-sacker Casey Kotchman, who's closest comparable player is Adam LaRoche.

All in all, not a bad haul, although an actual shortstop would have been nice. I'm ecstatic that Martinez only cost the Sox Justin Masterson and some parts, leaving the franchise's best pitching prospects (Clay Buchholz, Daniel Bard, Michael Bowden and Oil Can Boyd) wearing crimson hosiery.

As for that business from yesterday, I'll leave my comment to Craig Calcaterra, who's not even a Boston fan:

You're not surprised, so please don't pretend you are. The only people who will truly surprise you to be associated with steroids are Derek Jeter, juniors Cal Ripken and Ken Griffey, and dudes like Jason Tyner and whatnot (though guys like him shouldn't surprise you).

You've not been betrayed, so please don't claim to be. You enjoyed the baseball of those years and nothing of value has been taken from you as a result of recent revelations. While it's totally legitimate to be turned off and disappointed and generally depressed about all of this, if your sense of trust has been so violated by all of this steroids business that you actually feel the need to claim "betrayal," you probably need to examine if you're still a fan or not.

And you know this one is going to come up like crazy, so let's be perfectly clear: the Red Sox' championship in 2004 is not tainted. At least no more tainted than the outcome of any other championship won by any other team in at least the past 20 years, not to mention the awards and the regular season games and everything else, so please don't even go there. Baseball had a steroids problem. Not just the Red Sox, not just the Yankees, not just the Orioles, Rangers or A's. As such, to the extent one uses this latest news as a means of singling out the Sox, one is simply showing that they see the entire world through rivalries and not reason.

Now, with that out of the way, you may resume your regularly-scheduled outrage.

ARE THERE ANY TEAMS IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BESIDES THE RED SOX? Not that I'm aware of.

COME ON. WHAT ABOUT THE YANKEES OF NEW YORK CITY? If you insist. Those crazy Bombers got their mitts on utilityman Scott Hairston, who'll share a bench with recently added Eric Hinske.

THE BAY-RAYS WON THE AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST LAST YEAR, DID THEY HELP THEMSELVES AT THE DEADLINE? Tampa tried unsuccessfully to reacquire the "Devil" in their name, thinking it would give them the additional cruelty needed to make a push for the playoffs. Unfortunately, Satan has a full no-trade clause and refused to play on the Gulf Coast of Florida. He'll continue protecting A-Rod in the Yankee lineup.

DID TORONTO EVER TRADE ROY HALLADAY? To say that BJ's GM J.P. Ricciardi overplayed is hand would be a colossal understatement. He asked for a king's ransom for Doc, which is understandable--Halladay is arguably the best pitcher on Earth. But when the bidding war involving the richest teams never materialized (it would have been problematic for Ricciardi to deal within his division to the Red Sox or Yankees anyway), J.P. was unable to land a suitable package from the handful of contenders remaining. The Phillies really wanted him, but they refused to part with all four of their best prospects. The Dodgers, Angels and Rangers also had lines they would not cross.

So Halladay stays put, and Ricciardi is now fucked. He'll be lucky to get half the prospect value this winter when he picks up talks again, and for what? So Halladay can pitch August and September of this season for a team that doesn't want him and fans that don't care? Dumb.

ISN'T THERE ONE MORE TEAM IN THIS DIVISION? Indeed there is, it's the Baltimore Orioles. For a team that once again totally blows, they sure are playing it smart. The O's reaped a fortune in talent when they dealt Miguel Tejada and Erik Bedard a couple years ago, and at this year's deadline they flipped George Sherill (filler from the Mariners in the Bedard deal) to the desperate Dodgers in exchange for a pair of nice prospects. The Baltimore system is loaded with good young arms, the first wave of which was seen Wednesday when Chris Tillman started against the Royals. Catching all those freaks is Matt Weiters, a 6-5 leviathan of a catcher who may someday hit 50 home runs. In a single game. The outfield corners are set for a decade with Adam Jones and Nick Markakis. All they need is a trained assassin to dispatch of Melvin Mora and Aubrey Huff and you've got a scary club on the horizon.

BUT WHAT OF THE REST OF BASEBALL? SURELY MORE ROSTER MOVES WERE MADE TODAY YOU CAN WISE-ASS-I-PHIZE ABOUT?!? Patience, little man. I'll be back with the rest of our deadline happenings soon. Perhaps even by the end of the season, when Midseason Report Cards are due.
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Baseball in the Daytime: Hot Diggety Dog

Apparently, there was a hot dog eating contest over the weekend, and apparently, some guy not named Kobayashi -- Joey Chestnut downed 68 for his second consecutive title and a world record -- won the thing. Now, I kind of loathe the phrase "only in America," but this is one event where I would make the exception. I find this contest absolutely disgusting, but I sure do love me some hot dogs. Had one on Sunday, even. Right after I took one for the team and took the most burnt bratwurst on the tray. Seems as though, what with Memorial Day, graduations, and Fourth of July, I've had quite a few dogs lately. In fact, my sister-in-law and I were talking about this last evening. One day last week, she had three dogs in three different settings in a 24-hour period. And apparently, she could've squeezed down another. She, uh, has this way with words, shall I say. She summed the experience by saying, "Three weiners in one day. Who'd've thunk it?" Approximately seven minutes later, over by the display of M&Ms and mixed nuts, she, downing a mouthful said, "Mmm. Chocolate nuts."

But baseball. Baseball. I've noticed a pattern. In yesterday's day baseball affair (link, cough), there were a bunch of National League day games, whereas in today's there're three American League and one N.L. tilt to wrap things up. Come with me, over the jump, and find out all about it.

Toronto @ Tampa Bay, 11:08 Central: It's Roy Halladay as the visitor in today's first contest. He faces David Price and the Bay Rays in a battle of wits and sliders. Halladay's 10-win first half, coupled with his below-three E.R.A. has been incredible. Price will have his work cut out for him as he comes in at 2-3 with a plus-five. Lucky for he and the Tampa crew, they have a four and-a-half game lead over the Jays in the A.L. East, which is surprising, considering some of the flash Toronto has, on occasion, shown this year. They lock up on DirecTV 721, XM 176.

New York @ Minnesota, 12:10: Precisely one hour and two minutes later, Alfredo Aceves will battle with Glen Perkins. Except that he won't; the Twinkie on the hill will actually be Francisco Liriano. Perkins, apparently, is ill and will go tomorrow instead. But anyway, Liriano comes with a 4-8 record, a 5.49 E.R.A., is fully loaded and available for 1.9 percent financing. Aceves, on the other hand, has strung together a quiet 5-1 record with a 2.03 E.R.A., from the 'pen. The pinstripe front office was going to give him the nod two weeks ago when CC Sabathia's chances of starting looked shaky. Today he's a definite go in place of Chien-Ming Wang, who's 2009 has looked shaky. They'll hate on one another on DirecTV 722 and 723, or over on XM 177.

Cleveland @ Chicago, 1:05: Matchup number three is a duel of southpaws as David Huff faces Clayton Richard and the White Stockings. Each hurler has one fewer loss than wins, and E.R.A.s they'd like to whittle down a bit. I keep expecting Cleveland to get their act together and get out of the A.L. Central, but when you lose eight of your last 10, that's hard to do. Chicago, conversely, has done the opposite. Watch these jerks play baseball on DirecTV 724, 725, or listen to their jerkiness on XM 178.

St. Louis @ Milwaukee, 1:05: For the league of hitting pitchers, it's right-hander Joel Pineiro against lefty Manny Parra. Though the Cardinal's record (6-9) doesn't speak volumes about his season, his 3.39 E.R.A. tells a bit more of the story. Another missing piece is that he's gotten very little run support in his appearances thus far. Parra, on the other hand, will make his first start in a month for the Brew Crew. After early-season struggles, he was sent down, where he wasn't all that much better. Either way, he takes the mound in the bottoms of the innings today at Miller Park. Don't believe me? Check DirecTV 726 or 727, or listen for his name on XM 183.

That's your slab today, folks. Enjoy some baseball, and hell, have a hot dog for lunch while you're at it.
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Baseball In The Daytime: July 3 2009

Suddenly flush with quality infielders, the Colorado Rockies sent Jeff Baker to the Cubs yesterday. This bums me out a little bit, because I know a guy named Jeff Baker and it was always cool to see another Jeff Baker playing at Coors. But then I heard who the player to be named later was, and I was happy.

In exchange for Baker, the Rockies acquired a minor-league righty named Al Alburquerque.

I didn't make that up, nor did I misspell his name. It's Alburquerque. I want this dude to make the bigs in the worst possible way, or at the very least play a little in Triple-A against the Isortopes.

Big news on the day baseball beat this Friday, folks, as there is a matinee that does not take place in the city of Chicago. It's not even part of a rainout doubleheader. That's right, Baseball in the Daytime is spreading, spreading like hepatitis. Once you get a taste you can't wash it out. Get infected, after the jump.

Toronto @ NY Yankees, 11:05 Mountain I'm not sure why the Yanks scheduled this as a businessman's special, nor if the Friday day-game thing is going to become SOP in the Bronx. Whatever, I applaud the management of the franchise, especially Assistant To The Travelling Secretary George Costanza. If old George Steinbrenner were still alive I'd shake his hand. Play baseball the way God intended it, under the sun! Today the B'Jays come to town, led by starter Brian Tallet. Meeting them at the gate will be former Beej A.J. Burnett. I know I've mentioned this here before, but did you know that Burnett once threw a no-hitter in which he walked nine men? That's hard to do.

Milwaukee @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 I'm so excited about that Yankee game (and I hate the fucking Yankees like I hate burnt toast) that it's hard to get worked up about--yawn--another Friday afternoon match at Wrigley. But come on! There's going to be girls there! Drunk girls! And you know what drunk girls do, don't ya? They watch Jeff Suppan and Big Z pitch, that's what they do. Then they throw up. Hold her hair out of her face, and Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: 4-16-09

Twas the second Thursday of the season, when all through the league, some pitchers tossed well, while some showed fatigue. And what to my wondering eyes hath appeared, but some afternoon baseball, the matches all tiered. You get the drift. Your slate, clean and shiny, post-jump.

Marlins @ Braves, 11:10 Central: Our first matchup is one of two pre-nooners, so we gotta hustle. I recommend you try reading this in your best auctioneer's voice. On the hill for the visitors is Anibal Sanchez who's nickname might be "Dirty." Whether it is or not, he's getting his first start of the season after tossing five scoreless innings against Los Mets el otro dia. His right arm will battle the right arm of Kenshin Kawakami, who I think is of Asian descent. He logged a win last week in his first major-league start, but it was against the Nationals, so, toss a grain of salt in that carry-on. Catch what nobody is calling the Floridian Venezuelan-Japanese showdown on DirecTV 721, 722, or on XM 183

Astros @ Pirates, 11:35: In another bout between teams I could't care less for, it's Russ Ortiz on the hill for the Astros, Jeff Karstens for Las Piratas. Whaddayou wanna know? They're both righties, it's Ortiz's first start, and Karstens made the roster by beating out a guy named Virgil, which ain't exactly braggin' rights. DirecTV calls the shots on 723 and 737, while XM weighs ways in on 184.

Indians @ Yankees, 1:05: The pesky Indians escaped from Kansas City with a win yesterday, but they'll really be tested against the Pinstripes, who'll send CheeseburgerCheeseburger Sabathia to the mound. Cleveland calls on Cliff Lee. This will either be a fantastic pitching duel, a realization by all that both guys are overrated, or a good kindergarten-room example of fat versus skinny. The tilt's on DirecTV 724 and 736. Also find it on XM 176.

Cardinals @ Cubs, 1:20: We cap it off with a good old-fashioned, hate-fueled rivalry of the N.L. Central. Adam Wainwright and the Redbirds grapple with lefty Sean Marshall and the Baby Bears. Tune in to DTV 725 or 726, depending on which side of the Miss' you live on, or just have a listen on XM one eight five.

You know the rules: Mask your emotions, act like you're working, and when you slip out for a shot at the bar across the street, leave a shooter for the co-worker that goes "on break" after you.
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Lineup Against the Wall: New York Yankees

It's easy to hate the Yankees. No reason to even drag out the numbers. They've won more than anyone, spent more than anyone, get more attention than anyone and consistently offer more media-friendly drama sessions than anyone.

It's the team of Ruth and Gehrig, of Mantle and Maris. Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin. The former Highlanders, the pinstriped enemy of baseball at large. Fuck the Yankees, yes, but do so knowing that, at any time, they can clench their buttcheeks together and rip your dick off.

Their '09 squad and chances after the jump.

The last few years the New Yorkers have underachieved, and we've all had to hear about it--Christ, it's almost worse when they lose. Anytime this team doesn't take a World Series and spend the next few months face-deep in a pile of cocaine and astroglide, big spending and off-season drama are sure to follow.

Sure enough, A-Roid made out with himself in a mirror, Joe Torre broke some supposedly inviolate code of the clubhouse and Brian Cashman paid C.C. Sabathia the gross national product of Paraguay.

But I'll address the Steinbrenners' biggest addition--teased in the previous post!--after the starting lineup:

Catcher -- Jorge Posada (S)
First Base -- Mark Teixeira
Second Base -- Robinson Cano
Third Base -- Cody Ransom
Shortstop -- Derek Jeter
Left Field -- Johnny Damon
Center Field -- Brett Gardner
Right Field -- Xavier Nady
DH -- Hideki Matsui

Starting Pitchers:

CC Sabathia (L)
A.J. Burnett (R)
Chien-Ming Wang (R)
Andy Pettitte (L)
Joba Chamberlain (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Damaso Marte (L)
Brian Bruney (R)
Edwar Ramirez (R)
Jonathan Albaladejo (R)
Jose Veras (R)

Closer:

Mariano Rivera (R)

Bottom Line: As usual, the Yankees look like champions on paper, but this year they actually have the spine to live up to it--Tex is going to be a massive influence on that lineup. He's steady, he's drama-free. A-Rod will miss the first few weeks, but once he returns, that's two legitimate 35+ homer threats in a deep, deep lineup bolstered by (potentially) the best starting pitching in baseball. Their bullpen ain't that hot, and Rivera is running on fumes, but, as loyal reader/patron of Arizonan glory holes Rustoleum would say: count it.

Projected Finish: 1st in AL East

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