Deadline Deliberations Deliver Delicious Drama, And Pizza

The non-waiver trading deadline in Major League Baseball passed a couple hours ago, and in contrast to recent years this one actually had some spice. If I have one request of you, the educated House of Georges baseball fan, it's this: be aware that trades will still get made for the next month. Don't be that guy, the one that wonders aloud in a week why the Cubs acquired some dumpy reliever from the Padres. We've been over this.

There was also some news that popped out yesterday, news about a couple of fringe utility guys that may or may not have played for my favorite ballclub, allegedly testing positive in a fake survey test back when steroids were totally legal. I have no idea about any of this, I don't really follow baseball very closely.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE RED SOX? Glad you asked, this team doesn't get nearly the attention lavished upon such large-market juggernauts as the Pittsburgh Pirates and Asheville Tourists. Boston pulled off the deal for the most immediately impactful player, Indians catcher Victor Martinez. After a sluggish '08, V-Mart has rebounded with an All-Star campaign this season (although he's slowed noticeably in the second half).

Martinez will take over nominally from Jason Varitek as the Sox starting catcher, although I doubt he'll don the tools of ignorance more than four times a week. He'll also spell Kevin Youkilis at first and Large Papi (Winstrol-free since 2003!) at DH, as well as providing even more insurance for gimpy Mike Lowell (Youk can slide to third). If that ain't enough versatility for ya, Martinez is also a switch-hitter with power and can recite many Jeff Foxworthy comedy routines. Good guy to have around.

In case you thought Sox GM Theo Epstein was only good for big-boy serious deadline moves, he also provided quite a bit of slapstick over the last few weeks. He designated Julio Lugo for assignment in anticipation of cutting him, except the Cardinals were actively looking for a strikeout-prone shortstop with hands of stone. So Theo shipped Julio to the Lou in exchange for Chris Duncan, who's equally awful only younger and able to get sent down to the farm. Enjoy Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Theo traded a couple of disposable prospects to Pittsburgh for Adam LaRoche, one of the uglier active big-leaguers (even uglier than Duncan and Lugo). Today he capped off this spree with a final swap of LaRoche for Atlanta first-sacker Casey Kotchman, who's closest comparable player is Adam LaRoche.

All in all, not a bad haul, although an actual shortstop would have been nice. I'm ecstatic that Martinez only cost the Sox Justin Masterson and some parts, leaving the franchise's best pitching prospects (Clay Buchholz, Daniel Bard, Michael Bowden and Oil Can Boyd) wearing crimson hosiery.

As for that business from yesterday, I'll leave my comment to Craig Calcaterra, who's not even a Boston fan:

You're not surprised, so please don't pretend you are. The only people who will truly surprise you to be associated with steroids are Derek Jeter, juniors Cal Ripken and Ken Griffey, and dudes like Jason Tyner and whatnot (though guys like him shouldn't surprise you).

You've not been betrayed, so please don't claim to be. You enjoyed the baseball of those years and nothing of value has been taken from you as a result of recent revelations. While it's totally legitimate to be turned off and disappointed and generally depressed about all of this, if your sense of trust has been so violated by all of this steroids business that you actually feel the need to claim "betrayal," you probably need to examine if you're still a fan or not.

And you know this one is going to come up like crazy, so let's be perfectly clear: the Red Sox' championship in 2004 is not tainted. At least no more tainted than the outcome of any other championship won by any other team in at least the past 20 years, not to mention the awards and the regular season games and everything else, so please don't even go there. Baseball had a steroids problem. Not just the Red Sox, not just the Yankees, not just the Orioles, Rangers or A's. As such, to the extent one uses this latest news as a means of singling out the Sox, one is simply showing that they see the entire world through rivalries and not reason.

Now, with that out of the way, you may resume your regularly-scheduled outrage.

ARE THERE ANY TEAMS IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BESIDES THE RED SOX? Not that I'm aware of.

COME ON. WHAT ABOUT THE YANKEES OF NEW YORK CITY? If you insist. Those crazy Bombers got their mitts on utilityman Scott Hairston, who'll share a bench with recently added Eric Hinske.

THE BAY-RAYS WON THE AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST LAST YEAR, DID THEY HELP THEMSELVES AT THE DEADLINE? Tampa tried unsuccessfully to reacquire the "Devil" in their name, thinking it would give them the additional cruelty needed to make a push for the playoffs. Unfortunately, Satan has a full no-trade clause and refused to play on the Gulf Coast of Florida. He'll continue protecting A-Rod in the Yankee lineup.

DID TORONTO EVER TRADE ROY HALLADAY? To say that BJ's GM J.P. Ricciardi overplayed is hand would be a colossal understatement. He asked for a king's ransom for Doc, which is understandable--Halladay is arguably the best pitcher on Earth. But when the bidding war involving the richest teams never materialized (it would have been problematic for Ricciardi to deal within his division to the Red Sox or Yankees anyway), J.P. was unable to land a suitable package from the handful of contenders remaining. The Phillies really wanted him, but they refused to part with all four of their best prospects. The Dodgers, Angels and Rangers also had lines they would not cross.

So Halladay stays put, and Ricciardi is now fucked. He'll be lucky to get half the prospect value this winter when he picks up talks again, and for what? So Halladay can pitch August and September of this season for a team that doesn't want him and fans that don't care? Dumb.

ISN'T THERE ONE MORE TEAM IN THIS DIVISION? Indeed there is, it's the Baltimore Orioles. For a team that once again totally blows, they sure are playing it smart. The O's reaped a fortune in talent when they dealt Miguel Tejada and Erik Bedard a couple years ago, and at this year's deadline they flipped George Sherill (filler from the Mariners in the Bedard deal) to the desperate Dodgers in exchange for a pair of nice prospects. The Baltimore system is loaded with good young arms, the first wave of which was seen Wednesday when Chris Tillman started against the Royals. Catching all those freaks is Matt Weiters, a 6-5 leviathan of a catcher who may someday hit 50 home runs. In a single game. The outfield corners are set for a decade with Adam Jones and Nick Markakis. All they need is a trained assassin to dispatch of Melvin Mora and Aubrey Huff and you've got a scary club on the horizon.

BUT WHAT OF THE REST OF BASEBALL? SURELY MORE ROSTER MOVES WERE MADE TODAY YOU CAN WISE-ASS-I-PHIZE ABOUT?!? Patience, little man. I'll be back with the rest of our deadline happenings soon. Perhaps even by the end of the season, when Midseason Report Cards are due.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Toronto Blue Jays

The Blue Jays. Remember when they won those two consecutive World Series? Remember Tony Fernandez, Alfredo Griffin, George Bell and Jesse Barfield? Dave Steib and Jimmy Key? Ernie Whitt? Remember how Toronto residents didn't give two squirts and went back to reading about the Maple Leafs?

As a fan of the Cubs, I can only say, wear a shirt made of stinging nettles in Hell, you Canada-based bastards. You've had, over the course of the last three decades, more success than practically any team in the bigs.

But no one cares. Because you are the Toronto Blue Jays.

The '09 possibilities follow after the leap.

Enough time wasted on this boring team. Here's the lineup:

Catcher -- Rod Barajas
First Base -- Lyle Overbay
Second Base -- Aaron Hill
Third Base -- Scott Rolen
Shortstop -- Marco Scutaro
Left Field -- Travis Snider
Center Field -- Vernon Wells
Right Field -- Alex Rios
DH -- Adam Lind

Starting Pitchers:

Roy Halladay (R)
Jesse Litsch (R)
David Purcey (L)
Ricky Romero (L)
Scott Richmond (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Scott Downs (L)
Jesse Carlson (L)
Brian Tallet (L)
Brandon League (R)
Shawn Camp (R)

Closer:

B.J. Ryan (L)

Bottom Line: Yeesh. Not much to get excited about, even though they had a winning record (86-76) in '08. There aren't really any bats that scare anyone outside of maybe Rios and Vernon Wells on a good day. Rolen is history, Overbay is overrated (he isn't rated at all, really, but that just sounded right) and Wells himself, once a seeming superstar in the making, is not the player he was three or four years back. The pitching is where this team rises a little. Halladay is a legitimate ace and Jesse Litsch is an acceptable #2. B.J Ryan had a good '08, but will he keep it up? His head looks like a bullet, for whatever that's worth.

Projected finish: 4th in the AL East.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Tampa Bay REDACTED Rays

The Tampa Bay (Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch, Dick Cheney) Rays surprised the living holy hell out of everyone in America last year--well, me, anyway--when they made it all the way to the World Series, where they lost to the Philadelphia Phillies but proved that they actually were a legitimate threat to the power structure of the AL East.

They have some of the finest young talent in the bigs, including a young third baseman who I, probably stupidly, probably extraordinarily stupidly, probably lying-insensate-in-coma-eating-protein-through-tube stupidly, held as my keeper in the fantasy league we HoGsters share--instead of Big Tex, who I'd had for like four years in a row. We'll see how badly that hurts my chances of repeating, but right now it looks like I've done gone and blowed it. Anyway, let's get rollin' after the jump...


The REDACTED Rays have long been a haven for shittiness and laziness, including a late-period Wade Boggs and a disinterested Lou Piniella. They played in front of crowds of dozens, in a "city" with such a strong love of sport that it only recently discovered football was, in fact, played professionally.

But not now. Take a look at this starting lineup:

Catcher -- Dioner Navarro
First Base -- Carlos Pena
Second Base -- Akinori Iwamura
Third Base -- Evan Longoria
Shortstop -- Jason Bartlett
Left Field -- Carl Crawford
Center Field -- B.J. Upton
Right Field -- Matt Joyce
DH -- Pat Burrell

Starting Pitchers:

James Shields (R)
Scott Kazmir (L)
Matt Garza (R)
Andy Sonnanstine (R)
Jeff Niemann (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Dan Wheeler (R)
Jason Isringhausen (R)
Grant Balfour (R)
Joe Nelson (R)
J.P. Howell (L)

Closer:

Troy Percival (R)

Bottom Line: They have, as I said above, a surfeit of young positional talent. There are GMs who would chew their fingers off to get players like Longoria, Pena and Upton. Their pitching staff isn't too shabby either--Shields and Sonnanstine could both take a huge step next year, and there is depth. The bullpen isn't as exciting; Wheeler is a solid vet, Izzy is just old and there is no way on God's Green Planet that Troy Percival has anything left.

Projected Finish: 3d in the AL East
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Lineup Against the Wall: New York Yankees

It's easy to hate the Yankees. No reason to even drag out the numbers. They've won more than anyone, spent more than anyone, get more attention than anyone and consistently offer more media-friendly drama sessions than anyone.

It's the team of Ruth and Gehrig, of Mantle and Maris. Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin. The former Highlanders, the pinstriped enemy of baseball at large. Fuck the Yankees, yes, but do so knowing that, at any time, they can clench their buttcheeks together and rip your dick off.

Their '09 squad and chances after the jump.

The last few years the New Yorkers have underachieved, and we've all had to hear about it--Christ, it's almost worse when they lose. Anytime this team doesn't take a World Series and spend the next few months face-deep in a pile of cocaine and astroglide, big spending and off-season drama are sure to follow.

Sure enough, A-Roid made out with himself in a mirror, Joe Torre broke some supposedly inviolate code of the clubhouse and Brian Cashman paid C.C. Sabathia the gross national product of Paraguay.

But I'll address the Steinbrenners' biggest addition--teased in the previous post!--after the starting lineup:

Catcher -- Jorge Posada (S)
First Base -- Mark Teixeira
Second Base -- Robinson Cano
Third Base -- Cody Ransom
Shortstop -- Derek Jeter
Left Field -- Johnny Damon
Center Field -- Brett Gardner
Right Field -- Xavier Nady
DH -- Hideki Matsui

Starting Pitchers:

CC Sabathia (L)
A.J. Burnett (R)
Chien-Ming Wang (R)
Andy Pettitte (L)
Joba Chamberlain (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Damaso Marte (L)
Brian Bruney (R)
Edwar Ramirez (R)
Jonathan Albaladejo (R)
Jose Veras (R)

Closer:

Mariano Rivera (R)

Bottom Line: As usual, the Yankees look like champions on paper, but this year they actually have the spine to live up to it--Tex is going to be a massive influence on that lineup. He's steady, he's drama-free. A-Rod will miss the first few weeks, but once he returns, that's two legitimate 35+ homer threats in a deep, deep lineup bolstered by (potentially) the best starting pitching in baseball. Their bullpen ain't that hot, and Rivera is running on fumes, but, as loyal reader/patron of Arizonan glory holes Rustoleum would say: count it.

Projected Finish: 1st in AL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Boston Red Sox

The ridiculousness of my doing this one, when No. 7 is about the biggest Red Sox homer in the Four Corners area, is beyond belief. But that was the point of this exercise, to get us out of our comfort zones, to challenge our assumptions, to put us in positions where the public at large can laugh at the shallow nature of our analysis.

Babe Ruth's first team after the jump.

The one-time also-rans of Boston have put together one hell of a run this decade--they've won at least 90 games every year since 2002, with the exception of '06. During that time they've also taken home the World Series title twice, in '04 and '07.

Their young GM is probably the best in the game, their fans are passionate to the point of actual rabidity and they have one of the coolest logos in the league. The current club is stacked. They have bats, they have arms, they have last year's AL MVP (Dustin Pedroia) they have prospects who would be stars on other clubs waiting in the minors (Clay Buchholz) and they stand as good a chance as any to win yet another title this year.

But I'm gonna pick them to finish second in the division. Reasons why following starting lineup:

Catcher -- Jason Varitek
First Base -- Kevin Youkilis
Second Base -- Dustin Pedroia
Third Base -- Mike Lowell
Shortstop -- Jed Lowrie
Left Field -- Jason Bay
Center Field -- Jacoby Ellsbury
Right Field -- J.D. Drew
DH -- David Ortiz

Starting Pitchers:

Josh Beckett (R)
Daisuke Matsuzaka (R)
Jon Lester (L)
Tim Wakefield (R)
Brad Penny (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Justin Masterson (R)
Takashi Saito (R)
Hideki Okajima (L)
Manny Delcarmen (R)
Javier Lopez (L)

Closer:

Jonathan Papelbon (R)

Bottom Line: The Red Sox are, as I mentioned earlier, fucking stacked. Rocco Baldelli, who they just picked up this offseason, is a wicked backup with ability pouring out his nostrils who could steal real playing time at any outfield spot. Varitek has seen better days, as has Don't-Say-Steroids Ortiz, but they still have some pop and plenty of guys who are just plain-ass good hitters, like Youk and the aforementioned midget MVP.

But they'll finish second to the New York Yankees for one reason: Mark Teixeira.

If the Sox had picked up Mr. Consistency, I'd have picked them in a heartbeat. He would have been the Manny replacement, the big bat in the middle of the order. The fact that they didn't land him hurt; the fact that he went to the Yankees hurt worse. I could be easily proved wrong by this, but for now...

Projected Finish: 2nd in AL East

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Lineup Against the Wall: Baltimore Orioles

So it was incumbent upon me to break down both Eastern divisions in this lil' ongoing format of ours before Opening Day. Uh, oops.

Please bear with me, and read quickly, as I abandon any sense of style, intellectual honesty or common baseball sense over the course of 10 posts. This is like the time I waited until the last minute to write that paper, i.e. the decade of the '90s.

First up, the formerly great Orioles of Peter Angelos.

As I mentioned, these are going to come at you fast and furious. If you're looking for trenchant humor and interesting sentence structure, check out the Administrator's Fiction Fix--at least until I force it off the page by the sheer power of my accumulated lazy.

It's no mystery to anyone that the Orioles suck, and have sucked since at least the mid-to-late '90s. They have passionate fans, the first of the great classic-modern ballparks--and some would still say the best--but nothing worthwhile to put inside the thing for baseballic purposes. Their lineup:


Catcher -- Gregg Zaun
First Base -- Aubrey Huff
Second Base -- Brian Roberts
Third Base -- Melvin Mora
Shortstop -- Cesar Izturis
Left Field -- Felix Pie
Center Field -- Adam Jones
Right Field -- Nick Markakis
DH -- Luke Scott

Starting Pitchers:

Jeremy Guthrie (R)
Koji Uehara (R)
Mark Hendrickson (L)
Alfredo Simon (R)
Adam Eaton (R)

Relief Pitchers:

Chris Ray (R)
Jim Johnson (R)
Danys Baez (R)
Jamie Walker (L)
Dennis Sarfate (R)

Closer:

George Sherrill (L)

Bottom line: The Orioles have some excellent position players, like Brian Roberts, one of the two or three best two-sackers in the bigs, and Aubrey Huff, who had his best season in years in '08. Nick Markakis might jump out this year, too, but they're depending on eternal skill-tease Felix Pie in the outfield and Izturis is Mendoza-esque. Still, though, they might actually score some runs this year, which is good because that pitching staff is vile, George Sherrill faded badly last year and they play in a heavyweight division where even an improvement on last year's 68-93 record won't get them better than 4th. Sorry, downashore types. No Oriole for you.

Projected finish: 5th.
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Midseason Baseball Report: AL East

We're stretching this "Midseason" theme to comical proportions. The current working definitions at the House of Georges World Headquarters:

1. A point equidistant between the beginning of a season and its end.
2. Give or take a month from Definition No. 1
3. Sometime before rosters expand Sept. 1
4. Give or take a month from Definition No. 3
5. On the eve of a Carl Pavano start.

That's right, sports fans, tomorrow marks the season debut of one Carl Anthony Pavano, the Yankees' big free agent catch in 2004. Pavano inked a four-year, $40 million pact and then promptly took the next four years off. For that $40 million in Steinbrenner loot, Carl has contributed 111 innings, 60 strikeouts and five wins. C.C. Sabathia was traded to Milwaukee six weeks ago and has accumulated 73 innings, 69 strikeouts and eight wins in that span.

Pavano is making his third start since June 27--that's June 27, 2005. I'll be throwing a party, if anyone wants to come over. If ever there was an official white flag on a baseball season, the Yankees' decision to hand the ball to Pavano is it. The streak of not missing the playoffs since 1994 is finally, mercifully, magically, over.

So let's talk about the AL East, shall we? Joining us today is old friend Rustoleum, a lifelong Yankees fan and sophisticated baseball connoisseur. You could say he's slightly less excited about Pavano's start than I am. He also employs a literary technique known as sarcasm quite liberally--brace yourself. You can find the AL Central report here, and the AL West version here.

Old No. 7: Let's talk about our favorite division, the one typically dominated by your Yankees and my Red Sox. It's being led by that historically ass-kicking franchise that plays down in...Tampa? What's going on here? Why are the Bay-Rays still getting it done, months and months after we thought they'd fade?

Rustoleum: Tampa has become the A’s and Twins of the Al East. Right now they are just loaded with young studs in all facets of the game. Their pitching has just been superior. I’m sure their tremendous fan support at home plays a huge role as well. I know I always got fired up pitching softball in front of crowds that large… at Lee Martinez park in Fort Collins. Though I thought they would certainly fade due to lack of maturity, but pitching has just been so huge from starters to the pen. It’s certainly not the only case of pitching carrying offense (see D-Backs, Dodgers). Injuries to Longoria, Crawford, and Percy will certainly play a huge roll in where they finish and I’m thinking they still might fall short. But with two number ones in Kazmir and Shields, you’ve always got a chance.

Old No. 7: Meanwhile, the defending champs are just hanging around. They're not winning much (15-13 since the break), but they're still not bad (+117 run differential, 1st in the AL in batting, 6th in ERA). I have my theories, but why do you think the Red Sox have taken a step back?

Rustoleum: Have they really taken a step backwards? Third best record in the AL seems pretty good to me. But if you’re asking why they aren’t the best team in the league, there are two big reasons: Bullpen and Beckett. The bullpen has been an absolute dumpster fire, outside of Paps, and it certainly doesn’t help when starting pitching has been going only 3 innings. I heard Alex Cora was warming up the other night, I’m sure he has electric stuff. It seems like teams have gotten used to Oki-doki, who was huge last year, and Timlin is lights out regularly.

Beckett just hasn’t been as sharp as he was last year, I’m sure in part to a little hangover from last year. But there is only one October, and when the lights are bright the Sox will be the toughest out of the playoffs. At least it’s not 2006, remember the five game sweep?

Old No. 7: I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm still hung over from celebrating two titles this decade. Now let's get to your boys in the Bronx. Hank Steinbrenner conceded the season last week, and you're double-digit games behind the young Bay-Rays. Sidney Ponson is an effective part of your rotation, Richie Sexson was on the roster until just a few days ago, and best of all your scheduled starter for Saturday is Carl Pavano. Let's hear your thoughts.

Rustoleum: I’d like to use this time to talk about my fantasy baseball team. I have very few Yankees, which is a big plus. I do have Mariano, who’s a Hall of Famer, and Johnny Damon is having his best offensive year since coming over from the Evil Empire. I love that he’s moving back to center, his gun is one of the most feared in baseball. Did I mention my fantasy team was in first place and I’m gunning for my fourth title in five years? The Bronx did host the All-Star Game this year and I hear we’re the favorites to Get C.C. Sabathia next year. Remember when the Yankees were unwilling to part with Melky, Phil Hughes, and Ian Kennedy to get Johan? Those three play a lot right now and last I heard the Mets were in first. The Yankees are old and might be in a lot of trouble for years to come.

Old No. 7: I hate Canada, but the Blue Jays are quietly turning in another quietly decent season. Who are we kidding? They suck. They have a big payroll, because their owner is heavily involved in both whiskey distilling and the trafficking of sex slaves from Laos. Why can't the Jays get over these days?

Rustoleum: Remember when we used to do shots of whiskey when I would strike someone out in softball and talk about Brenda’s obsession with ladyboys from Laos? Those were the days. I heard Toronto was considering moving to Montreal and having the team learn French. I just don’t like the Jays, their problems mainly revolve around a lack of pitching and a lack of offense. The Jays need to take a page from the Rays, build from within and stop overpaying for douchebags like B.J. Ryan, David Eckstein, and Lyle Overbay.

Old No. 7: More importantly, are Roy Halladay and Vernon Wells traitors to their native United States for signing contract extensions in Toronto?

Rustoleum: They really aren’t traitors, they just like the health care benefits. Wells knows first hand, he’s spent more time on the DL recently than he’s spent active. The Jays were wise to lock up Halladay, Wells maybe not so much. The Jays have solid prospects coming along, such as Adam Lind and David Purcey. They can get there, but like the Yankees, you have to do it from within.

Old No. 7: Finally, we get to Baltimore. Both you and I have mined the Orioles all season for fantasy players on hot streaks--we're currently profiting from Melvin Mora and Jeremy Guthrie. Other than stat-whore goodies, what's the point of the Orioles these days? When will they turn it around?

Rustoleum: I really like the direction the Orioles are heading. I think the Bedard and Tejada trades stole awesome prospect that have already contributed like Adam Jones and Luke Scott. They have decent pitching coming up, like Garrett Olson and Radhames Liz, to complement Guthrie. This is a team that could really benefit by overpaying for a pitcher like C.C. and dumping awful Daniel Cabrera. That guy is among the worst pitchers on earth. They’ll get Chris Ray back to solidify the bullpen. If they hold on to Brian Roberts, the rest of the division should watch out.

Old No. 7: I know you've been watching a little bit of the Olympics. Are you as impressed as I am with the men's trampoline event and Chinese champion Dong Dong? Beyond Dong's prodigious feats of bounce, what are your impressions of Canadian female trampoliner Karen Cockburn? She can be a little rough on the ascent but she's smooth coming back down.

Rustoleum: I think the best part about the Olympics are the obscure sports. Fuck basketball and track, give me team handball, badminton, archery, and especially trampoline. There’s nothing like watching a bunch of washed up gymnasts make one more run at Olympic glory. Who hasn’t thought about their Dong-Dong bouncing up and down until the Cockburns? I know Banky had that problem last year. What I want to know is why the announcers for NBC have changed the name of shuttlecock to just shuttle for badminton? Are the scared to say cock? Would they just say Karen Burn or Karen Privatepartsburn? Adam Jones will always be Pacman, I’ll always call Isiaih Rider J.R., and it will always be the shuttlecock.
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