Baseball In The Daytime: August 5 2009

When you think about it, day baseball is one of the most environmentally friendly civic movements one can imagine. By leaving the lights off, we're preventing like eleventy billion tons of smog-forming emissions from reaching the atmosphere, and our kids will breathe easier in the future. Baseball in the Daytime: hippie-approved since 1837!

So whizz your Prius down to the old ball yard or fire up your hand-cranked radio device for the game action, detailed below if you click right about here...

St. Louis @ NY Mets, 10:10 Mountain Citi Field is the venue and the Cardinals and Mets are the teams for this renewal of a classic Senior Circuit rivalry. Kyle Lohse gets the start for the road Birds, and Lohse is one of only two Native Americans on MLB rosters (the other is flaming fuckstick Joba Chamberlain). Rookie lefty Jonathan Niese dons the home whites of the Metropolitans, who really suck. Yeah, yeah, injuries, cry me a river. Isn't it fun when the team with the second highest payroll in baseball is dreadful? Yes? No? I think it's fun.

San Francisco @ Houston, 12:05 Entering last night's games, the NL Central was bunched into a cute little pattern--you had the Cubbies and the Cards tied in first, the Brewers and the Astros knotted together at 4 games back, and the free-falling Reds and perennially rebuilding Pirates locked at 11 and a half in arrears. So these clubs all played a bunch of baseball games--Albert Pujols hit his fifth grand slam of the year (five fucking grand slams?), Tom Gorzellany won his Cub debut, and everyone else lost. So the NL Central is still bunched into that cute little pattern, only with different numbers.

Joe Martinez makes his first big-league start for the Giants, so we're all pulling for old Joe. Except fans of the Rockies, who are engaged in a gladiatorial death brawl with San Fran for the wild card, they want Joe Martinez to immolate on the mound at Minute Maid Park. Brian Moehler is your Astros starter, he's been around if you know what I mean.

Atlanta @ San Diego, 1:35 There's a faux beach in right center at Petco Park, where you can get some sand in your shoes. Don't goof off in that litterbox too much or you'll miss the rampaging Atlanta Braves, who are in the midst of a violent siege of the Phillies. At press time the Braves sat six and a half back of the champs after winning four of their last ten. Wait, that's not any good. Atlanta does have a nice rotation, represented today by rookie phenom Tommy Hanson, who's kind of fat and nasty yet locates his breaking pitches nicely. Chad Gaudin starts for the Friars, and Chad Gaudin is scheduled to make $1.8 mil this season. So the drinks are on him after the game. I like pina coladas, and getting caught in Play Ball!

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Baseball In The Daytime: July 29 2009

Yesterday was about the most miserable day of the whole summer. I was intensely hung over from the night before, when I volunteered to help serve food at a concert and ended up drinking a vast amount of Evan Williams "bourbon." The Red Sox, who I follow with great relish, blew a seemingly unblowable game--up by three in the ninth with Pap on the hill. The Rockies, who I keep track of with noticeable regional pride, got worked 4-0 by the New York Mets. To call the Mets a train wreck is to insult many proud drunken railroad engineers who once got plowed on Evan Williams and derailed their vessels. The Mets are chaos wrapped in a riot surrounded by a disorganized circus of unsupervised screaming children.

So the mood was sour when I went to play softball. I know, softball. It's not really a sport, and it's barely a game. To compare my softball foibles to what happens on a major league baseball diamond, even if it involves the Mets, is a leap that strains all credibility. But I'm telling the story and you're stuck reading it, so kiss off. My team, which normally defines mediocrity, has been on quite the little postseason run. After an unremarkable 3-5 regular season, we caught fire in the tournament and advanced to semifinals against our hated nemeses, the Rapist Kangaroos. In the midst of losing to these dicks, I took a line drive off my throwing hand. I don't think it's broken, but my right ring finger is about the same color as those two-tone batting helmets the Rockies wear. If I fumble a few Ks and Us while typing today, that's my excuse.

Now that all my whining is out of the way, let's move on to today. The sun is shining, there's day baseball on the docket, and all is right and peaceful with the world. Join me after the jump, where I'll preview today's ballgames and give you several indispensable bits of baseball trivia you can show off around the water cooler...

Houston @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Mountain Boy howdy has this National League Central turned into a humdinger of a donnybrook. After languishing in Suckville for three-fifths of the season, the Cubs have decided in the past two weeks to start playing up to their promise, payroll and preseason predictions. Chicago briefly wrested control of the division from the Cardinals on Monday, but then they gave it right back last night following their heartbreaking gag job versus these dirty Astros. Today the Cubs assign rookie Randy Wells the task of painting the black, while Mike Hampton gets the start for Houston.

Cleveland @ Los Anaheim, 1:35 On the site of an old citrus grove in Orange County today, we get a pitching matchup of Aaron Laffey v. John Lackey. In the annals of funny pitching names, these two are nowhere near the ironical humor of Kevin Slowey, Grant Balfour or Bob Walk. But still, Laffey-Lackey is pretty smirk-inducing. Also, the Indians really blow.

Pittsburgh @ San Francisco, 1:45 While we're getting cheap laughs off of puns involving the random distributions of starting pitchers, let's head to the City By The Bay. There, in a seemingly nondescript tilt betwixt the Pirates and Giants, your starting pitchers are Zach Duke and Matt Cain. Duke-Cain. Same pronunciation as Duquesne, a respectable Catholic university located in...wait for it...Pittsburgh. ZOMG! what are the odds? I guarantee I was the only scribe in Blogstralia to pick up on this stupid, stupid coincidence today.

Toronto @ Seattle, 2:40 Our final day game today features...what? Why are you looking at me like that? I promised you insightful analysis and all you got from me is a rote glance at the standings and a couple dumb jokes? You want stats? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE STATS! I'm here for a few yuks and maybe a guffaw, pal. You want stats, buy an abacus.

Anyway, back to lovely Safeco Field, where Roy Halladay will be on an unfamiliar short leash for his start today. Not because he's shitty or the Blue jays have anything to play for, but because he could literally be traded ANY MINUTE NOW. Seriously, in the middle of his windup he might be tackled by two player-personnel guys from the Phillies and whisked to a waiting helicopter. It's that secretive and intense in the Roy Halladay Saga.

Everyone is shocked, shocked I tell you, that Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi's super-serious Halladay trading deadline of yesterday was complete bullshit. Doc is still in play, but most teams publicly claim to be offended by Ricciardi's immense greed in the number and quality of prospects it will require to secure his services. Philly refuses to part with Kyle Drabek, the Red Sox balked at Daniel Bard, the Dodgers won't even discuss Clayton Kershaw. Which is all fine, those three kids are fucking studs, and there's a chance that all three will some day win Cy Youngs.

There's also a chance, however, that all three are in a holding tank with Ryan Leaf in two years recounting how they blew out their elbows and no one gave them a second chance. If you're a second-tier club like the Pirates or the Orioles, you don't sell the farm for Halladay. You have to win through homegrown players, it's your only route to success. if you're championship-caliber, as the Phillies, Dodgers and Red Sox are, I think you have to seriously consider giving up your top two, three, or four prospects to get him. This ain't Freddy Garcia we're talking about here, this is the meanest ass-kickingest bulldog in the game. Put him on any of the aforementioned three clubs and the road to a title becomes smooth and straight. I'm not saying it guarantees a title, no one player can do that. But it makes it infinitely easier.

If I'm the Sox or the Phillies, and I just won a ring in the past 22 months, I can see backing off and protecting the depth of your organization. You won titles without Halladay and you might do so again. But the Dodgers, come on. The Cards, the (shudder) Yankees, the Angels...what are you guys doing? You get Halladay, you can start printing World Series tickets. Prospects are just that--they may pan out they may not. The Angles have hoarded their minor-league kids for years, and in my opinion it's cost them at least one additional championship. Remember Dallas McPherson. Supposed to be the top power-hitting prospect in all of baseball, now he's an usher for the Shreveport Slugs.

If Humberto and his fellow felons in the bleachers at Dodger Stadium think that a playoff rotation of Chad Billingsley, Kershaw and someone from the Kuroda/Wolf/Schmidt grab bag is going to cut it, I say good luck with that. It could happen--no one thought Cole Hamels was ready to be a postseason workhorse last year. I'm just saying that getting Halladay is worth the long-term damage to your system.

The Phillies are supposedly working up a cheaper deal for Cliff Lee, which I think is insane. Why would you give up 80 per cent of the talent you offered for Halladay for an inferior arm? Cliff Lee's a fine pitcher, and he's definitely better than Joe Blanton or Jamie Moyer or Pedro Martinez in terms of giving you a compliment to Hamels come October. But let's get serious here--championships require sacrifice.

Opposite Halladay at Safeco today is Ryan Rowland-Smith, a distant cousin to Malcolm Jamaal-Warner and Mahmoud Abdul-Raouf. If the hyphen doesn't get you the changeup will, so keep your head in and Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: The Michael Jordan of July 2009

Recent polls show that "Baseball in the Daytime" is still, in fact, the most favorite feature on all of the Internets. If you've been skipping it, it's time to embrace the truth. If you're just not that into it, well perhaps you'll enjoy the Top 100 Baseball Players post at Sports Illustrated.com, penned by one Joe Posnanski. No? How about the Houston Astros' walk-off win last night, the one that brought them within a game of first place in the N.L. Central? Nothin' doin'? I know. You want the details on Manny Ramirez's 21st career grand slam that gave Humberto's Dodgers a sweep over the Reds, and saved another stab victim. Oh. I get it. You're the torturous type, that wants to read about how the Kansas City Royals coughed up the lead in the seventh-consecutive eighth inning last night. Well, there's only one thing that the people are saying about that: It's Trey Hillman's fault. All of it. By "people," I of course mean complete morons.

Perhaps, if that's your poison, you should peep Dayton Moore's latest words, where he thankfully "turns a deaf ear to growing demands that change is required," asks how much success the Royals have had in recent years vs. how many changes they've made, and answers with "None and a lot." He points to the successes, such as the rotation he assembled in Gil Meche, Luke Hochevar, Brian Bannister, and (re-signing) Zack Greinke. He admits to constantly "re-evaluating decisions that we make," and acknowledges that the club doesn't "hit on everything we do, but we've hit on a lot of things." Recent signings have drawn countless statements such as "Dayton Moore doesn't have the slightest idea what he's doing," to which he might suggest the OPS's of Yuniesky Betancourt and Ryan Freel since donning a Royals jersey, .436 and .590, respectively.

Enough about all that, though. Let's, post-jump, look at today's slate, which has enough chest in it for everyone to get a piece.

Cleveland @ Toronto, 11:37 Central: It's Jesus' favorite baseball team in Canada for our first day game this fine Thursday. Two lefties will square off: David Huff (4-4, 6.60) for the Tribe; Marc Rzepczynski (1-1, 2.50) for the Jays. This could be a pivotal game for the visitors as the Kansas City Royals have finally caught up to them in games played, and managed to lose nine straight. A Cleveland victory could loft them out of the A.L. Central basement. As for Toronto, they've dipped below the .500 mark and now sit 10 and-a-half back of the first-place Yankees in the East. DirecTV wants you to watch on 721. XM hopes you'll listen on the 176.

Seattle @ Detroit, 12:05: Two more lefties continue the trend at Comerica Park as the 7-6 Jarrod Washburn battles Lucas French for bragging rights. Washburn, as recently noted, is part of an impressive Mariner rotation through one half of the season, while French looks to continue his streak of good outings which include some AAA starts and two relief outings of late. Seven twenty-two and 723 are your DTV settings, while XM finds 177 a decent number for this tilt.

San Francisco @ Atlanta, 12:10: Kenshin Kawakami is the day's first right-hander. He and his 5-7, 4.15 take the mound for the Braves, while the Giants stick with the lefty theme in Barry Zito. Zito has five wins to 10 losses and hopes to keep his E.R.A. under five. Losers of three straight, the Giants have seen the SethfuckingSmiths leap them in the N.L. West standings, while Atlanta has strung together four straight, keeping Florida at bay and continuing to chase Philly. This heated battle promises DirecTV sizzle on channels 724 and 725. Satellite TV's audio-only counterpart has the crackle on pop on XM 183.

Tampa Bay @ Chicago, 1:05: In our final tilt, we're back to dueling lefties as Scott Kazmir taps the rubber for the visiting club. It'll be Mark Buehrle for the OzzieGuillens. Kazmir comes in at 4-5 with a 6.62, while All-Star Mark brings a 10-3 mark with a 3.48 E.R.A. to the hill. Tampa's still in the playoff mix, and Chicago has crept to within one of first-place Detroit in the A.L. Central. Good times all around on the DirecTVs. Peep it on 726 or 727, or listen in on the XMs, 178-style.

That's your day baseball for today, party people. If your park sells Cracker Jack, you best be buyin'.
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Baseball In The Daytime: May 15 2009

I don't care what calendars and meteorologists say, summer has arrived when the Cubs play on Friday afternoon. Even though they caved into the forces of "change" and "science" (actually, it was nothing more than sleazy capitalism) by installing lights at Wrigley, the Cubs have held on to one last vestige of tradition--if they're home on the weekends they play a day game on Friday. No one else does this, and it's cool. Sure, once in a while you'll get a weather-induced doubleheader on Friday, but otherwise this is all that's available for Baseball In The Daytime.

So follow me, folks, to the Friendly Confines, after the jump...

Houston @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 I really dislike the Astros, and it didn't have to be this way. Drayton McLane owns this team, and he could have sold it to someone less distasteful and bought something else, like Greenland. McLane thinks he invented baseball, and that his team is always on the verge of winning the World Series. Let me tell you something, old man: Your team blows right now. You're too old, too slow and you employ Russ Ortiz. Russ Ortiz! That guy was washed up by the 2002 World Series, he bankrupted the Giants, Braves and D'Bags, and you gave him a job.

Today, because one-fifth of your rotation is Russ Ortiz, you must start Brian Moehler against Randy Wells and the Cubs. Now Moehler isn't good either, but compared to Russ Ortiz he's fucking Bob Gibson.

Moving on to Wells, Sweet Lou Piniella has some rotation-management delusion of his own. Lou is, for some reason, infatuated with Wells. He's sent Jeff Samardzija to the minors and Sean Marshall to the pen to make room for him, when both of those guys are perfectly fine pitchers. Perhaps Lou's right and I'm an idiot, and Randy Wells will throw a complete-game shutout today. Tune in to WGN or something to find out, and Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: 4-16-09

Twas the second Thursday of the season, when all through the league, some pitchers tossed well, while some showed fatigue. And what to my wondering eyes hath appeared, but some afternoon baseball, the matches all tiered. You get the drift. Your slate, clean and shiny, post-jump.

Marlins @ Braves, 11:10 Central: Our first matchup is one of two pre-nooners, so we gotta hustle. I recommend you try reading this in your best auctioneer's voice. On the hill for the visitors is Anibal Sanchez who's nickname might be "Dirty." Whether it is or not, he's getting his first start of the season after tossing five scoreless innings against Los Mets el otro dia. His right arm will battle the right arm of Kenshin Kawakami, who I think is of Asian descent. He logged a win last week in his first major-league start, but it was against the Nationals, so, toss a grain of salt in that carry-on. Catch what nobody is calling the Floridian Venezuelan-Japanese showdown on DirecTV 721, 722, or on XM 183

Astros @ Pirates, 11:35: In another bout between teams I could't care less for, it's Russ Ortiz on the hill for the Astros, Jeff Karstens for Las Piratas. Whaddayou wanna know? They're both righties, it's Ortiz's first start, and Karstens made the roster by beating out a guy named Virgil, which ain't exactly braggin' rights. DirecTV calls the shots on 723 and 737, while XM weighs ways in on 184.

Indians @ Yankees, 1:05: The pesky Indians escaped from Kansas City with a win yesterday, but they'll really be tested against the Pinstripes, who'll send CheeseburgerCheeseburger Sabathia to the mound. Cleveland calls on Cliff Lee. This will either be a fantastic pitching duel, a realization by all that both guys are overrated, or a good kindergarten-room example of fat versus skinny. The tilt's on DirecTV 724 and 736. Also find it on XM 176.

Cardinals @ Cubs, 1:20: We cap it off with a good old-fashioned, hate-fueled rivalry of the N.L. Central. Adam Wainwright and the Redbirds grapple with lefty Sean Marshall and the Baby Bears. Tune in to DTV 725 or 726, depending on which side of the Miss' you live on, or just have a listen on XM one eight five.

You know the rules: Mask your emotions, act like you're working, and when you slip out for a shot at the bar across the street, leave a shooter for the co-worker that goes "on break" after you.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 9-15-08

Hurricane Ike sure threw a monkey wrench into baseball over the weekend. I completely lost track of how many games were postponed, how many doubleheaders were rescheduled, or how many times I cursed at the computer when one of my fantasy players didn't play. Not that it matters, Cecil beat me fair and square in the playoffs and moves on to the championship round against occasional HoG contributor Rustoleum. Good luck, asshole.

One of the weirdest Ike-related twists was the disposition of the Cubs-Astros series scheduled for Friday through Sunday in Houston. Seeing as how that city took the storm head-on, the teams relocated to Milwaukee to try and get a few ballgames in. You see, Milwaukee has a dome, a dome built by Commissioner Bud Selig. It's always available for rent to get MLB out of weather-related jams, like when the Indians and Mariners played a series there last season after snow wiped out a week of contests in Cleveland.

So the Cubs played a "road" game 90 miles from their home against "host" Houston. All Big Z did was throw a fucking no-hitter, first for the Chicago Nats since 1972. They pushed their division lead over the Brewers to seven and a half, following the Crew's sweep at the hands of the Phillies. And now, adding insult to injury, Milwaukee flies home from Philly and they can not even enter their home clubhouse. It's still occupied by the Astros, who'll "host" the Cubs once more before the midweek series featuring Chicago and the Brewers kicks off tomorrow. Details after the jump...

Chicago "@" Houston, 12:05 Mountain Last night's Zambrano gem was further evidence that the Cubs are looking just a little charmed in 2008. I'm not trying to jinx anything, just stating what's obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes. Today they send Ted Lilly, who'll either be a No. 4 starter or a lefty specialist in the postseason, up against Brian Moehler. Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: 8-28-08

About the only way I'd tune in to some daytime baseball today would be the same way I typically watch golf on TV: low volume, stretched on the couch, eyes closed, and nobody home. But that's just me. I'm sure there are some cats out there that are into the teams playing today. I ain't one of them, and I's sorry for you if you is.

Two contests on the menu today, and they'll be served charred, as in beyond well done, with a side of boring, and a twist of nothing.

Red Stockings @ Pin Stripes, 12:05 (Central): Okay. At least the pitching matchup can be called an exciting appetizer. It's Mike Mussina and his 16 wins for the home crowd, and Jon "Lefty" Lester of the 12-5 variety for the visitors. Boston's won three in a row and keeps trying to narrow the gap between themselves and the first-place AL East Bay Rays. The Bombers sit 10 and-a-half back. Ultimately, who cares. Last Sox game at Yankees Stadium? Big deal. Let's wrap this season up today so both clubs can watch the playoffs from home. Now that's a special! Catch it Sox style (722) or Yanks version (723) over on DirecTV. XM carries it on channel 176.

Cincinnati @ Houston, 1:05: Talk about a sleeper. Brandon Backe'll toe the slab for the Astros. His counterpart is also a righty, and goes by the name of Aaron Harang. Backe's 8-12, while Harang is 4-13. These guys are 16, and 25 games out, respectively, in the NL Central. Yikes. DirecTV has this one on 724, while XM calls the shots on 189.

And that's Baseball in the Daytime today, kids. Feel free to watch cartoons. Or scrambled porn. Either one'll be more exciting.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 8-20-08

I know the Dodgers don't play this afternoon--they're scheduled to face the Rockies tonight at Chavez Ravine. I still want to use this space to bash Jeff Kent.

Jeff Kent is one of the finest second basemen ever to play this game. Go ahead, look up his numbers. Few at his position have ever hit like he has. Unfortunately, Jeff Kent is also a huge giant piece of shit as a person. This goes far beyond his moustache, which is actually pretty awesome. No, Kent's doucheness is acute and long-lasting. It's pretty hard to have a feud with Barry Bonds and have folks take Barry's side, but that's Jeff Kent. Bigger fuckstick than Barry Bonds.

Jeff Kent once wrecked his motorcycle in the offseason, which is a bad enough deal for a ballplayer. The bigger problem was that Kent had recently signed an enormous contract, a contract that specifically forbade him from riding motorcycles. Faced with the prospect of voiding the contract and losing millions, Kent did what any dipshit asshole would do, he lied and said he broke his leg whilst washing his truck. Which is totally probable. Jeff Kent does not like it when I go to games and yell at him, asking him how clean his truck is. But fuck him.

I could go on and on about how shitty a teammate Jeff Kent is, how he has singlehandedly tried to ruin the impressive youth movement the Dodgers are in the midst of, how he got Grady Little fired (actually a plus), and how in his spare time he adopts cats and then drowns them in his hot tub. I'll let that go, because that moustache is pretty awesome.

But this I can't let stand. Now Jeff Kent has committed an even greater sin upon the dignity of the game of baseball. Since the Dodgers acquired Manny Ramirez, merely one of the 20 best hitters ever to hold a bat, Kent has been killing it. One could draw the logical conclusion that Kent, hitting in the prime spot directly in front of Manny, is seeing great pitches and capitalizing on them. No way, says Jeff Kent. Totally unrelated, fuck you and fuck Manny. Or something to that effect. Which is all fine, because everyone knows Jeff Kent is a world class dick. Not content with that, Kent went on and impugned the integrity of Vin Scully, who discussed the connection of Kent's hot streak to Manny's arrival on air.

Jeff Kent criticized Saint Vincent. This can not stand. I've never asked anything of Dodger fans, a species that is below earwigs in my book. But tonight, I implore you, let Jeff Kent have it. With twenty thousand voices, ask him how clean his truck is. Boo his sorry ass. And while I never condone such actions, if someone throws a battery at him I'll smile, on the inside. Don't let us down, Humberto.

Oakland @ Minnesota, 11:10 Mountain While the Twins try to hang with the White Sox in the race for the AL Central flag, the A's are on cruise control to nowhere. You mean trading away our three best pitchers is a bad thing? Shit! Left behind after the purge in Oakland is young Dallas Braden, who'll match wits with Fransico Liriano at the Hube.

Seattle @ Chicago White Sox, 12:05 In another matchup pitting Central contender vs. Western loser, the Mariners take on the Pale Hose at U.S. Cellular. Somehow this season R.A. Dickey made his way from the Rangers to the M's, I'll go ahead and say that's the least important trade of the year. R.A. starts for Seattle, while Gavin Floyd takes the ball for the home team.

Houston @ Milwaukee, 12:05 The Astros have been hot lately, and in fact were the focus of a section-front story in USA Today yesterday concerning their playoff hopes. Playoffs? Cecil hates it when I cite McPaper, but I'll always counter that the multicolored fishwrap is no less accurate than the New York Times. On a dissimilar note, how does a grown man end up with the name Wandy? That's the handle of Houston starter Wandy Rodriguez, who today battles Manny Parra and the Brewers. Play Ball!
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Baseball in the Daytime: 8-05-08

It's Tuesday, not Friday, yet we've got a loner in the BitD department today, and it does involve the Cubbies. This is reminiscent of childhood, when you'd come home from morning playing outside, have a bologna and cheese, and flip on the WGNs for some Cubs baseball. Mostly because it was the only thing on, but hey -- I'm still fond of the memories. Details on the contest after the jizzy.

Houston @ Chicago, 1:05 (Central): Things got a little stormy at Wrigley last night, as a near-three-hour delay and tornado warnings sent Cubs fans packing. In slightly less scary conditions, Dan Harden takes the mound today for the home squad. He'll bring his 6-2 record and 2.04 E.R.A. to the hill, and his counterpart will be Wandy Rodriguez. The visiting lefty is 6-3 with a 3.61, while his club sits a dozen back from the division leading Chicago team. I'm certain this game will be viewable on WGN, but DirecTV will also carry the tilt. The 'Stros feed is on 722, while the Chicago version's one channel higher. XM broadcasts it on the 183. So don your throwbacks, carry compact storm shelters just in case, and take me out to the ball game.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 7-3-08

If you like to watch baseball, one thing you should never do is buy your own home. Sure, purchasing property is part of the American Dream and the single most responsible thing you can do for the struggling economy. But it fucks your baseball season, man. Big time.

When else is the wife going to decide to concurrently remodel your bedroom and install a sprinkler system in the yard? That shit ain't happening in March, not if you're married to a teacher. No, that only goes down in July, when the pennant races are heating up and your team is getting blasted by the fucking Bay-Rays.

So here's some Baseball In The Daytime for ya, you jerks. Enjoy it. I'll be at work until my lunch break, when I get to go stick some pipe in a trench. Same thing I'll be doing tomorrow, on the national holiday. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, unless they buy a house, in which case those men enslave themselves for a lifetime of chores in exchange for some lousy equity that's diminishing anyhow. God Bless The U.S.A.

LA Dodgers @ Houston, 12:05 Mountain In each of the last five seasons I've predicted that the Dodgers would win the NL West. They always have the division's highest payroll and they assemble great teams on paper. But they nearly always disappoint. This year, with Joe Torre, a mix of veteran and nice young everyday players and deep pitching, I thought once again that they would take the flag.

These Dodgers still might, but they've let a golden opportunity pass by. Arizona's hot start has melted, as the D'Bags dropped to .500 this week. LA still sits a game and a half back because they can't piss straight. Everyone's hurt, Torre hasn't helped and the pitching staggers around as if sniffing paint. Today's starter Chad Billingsley has a 3.38 ERA but only a 7-7 record to show for it. He won a game on Saturday, in fact, in which his offense didn't collect a single hit. Try to do that sometime, it's really hard. Billingsley faces Brandon Backe of the Astros, who listens to Creed.

Milwaukee @ Arizona, 1:40 Those very Diamond Bags get a little BITD in themselves. In this matchup of teams with convertible houses, the Brewers of fan-shaped Miller Park infiltrate Chase Field, which resembles a box of bread. Manny Parra dons the road grays across from Brandon Webb in home whites. Unless one team or both wears those stupid solid-color BP jerseys, which are weak and vaguely un-American. In a time of global terror we must wear serious baseball uniforms, men. Now suit up and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 4-17-08

It's a triple-header of National League games at the old ballyards today, so pull up a seat and soak it all in, folks. Just don't forget the SPF 80, it's still early in the season.

Today we're treated to the rubber game of the Ed Wade Showdown and a couple of NL Central clubs shooting for sweeps. We'll also rehash the friendly competition between the InterSpace's two most dominant day-baseball preview features. Oh, it's on...

Houston @ Philadelphia, 11:05 Mountain Ed Wade is about as Brotherly Loved in the City Of as Michael Irvin or Santa Claus. His tenure as Phillies GM ended mercifully in 2005, but his career was resurrected by nutty old 'Stro-wner Drayton McClane. Wade promptly snagged one of his old pet projects in Philly, the preposterously fast outfielder Michael Bourn, who's now leading the NL in steals. Brandon Backe and Brett Myers tangle in this on at Citizens Bank Park.

Milwaukee @ St. Louis, 11:15 The Cards are the toast of baseball once again and own a share of the top record in the NL, 11-4. Following World Series appearances in 2004 and 2006, this was supposed to be a rebuilding campaign for the Redbirds, but what the fungus!? They're winning! A big reason is today's starter, Kyle Lohse, who mysteriously forgot how to suck on his way to Busch Stadium and guns for his third victory of the season versus the Brewers' Manny Parra.

Cincinnati @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Edison invented the light bulb, the phonograph, and the steam-powered waffle-maker, but a young man named Edinson hopes to concoct a new idea at Wrigley today: Hope. Edinson Volquez's Cincinnati Reds are floundering, having lost five straight. They're threatening to make a giant ass out of me for forecasting their breakout this season, and if they don't get to winning I'll be forced to thrust upon you, poor reader, shitty phrases like this: Help Us Edinson Volquez, You're Our Only Hope. Jesus. Your Cubs' starter is pharmaceutical heir Ted Lilly.

Walkoff Walk Watch As of press time yesterday our pals over at the WoW had yet to post their afternoon delight, so we'll break it all down retroactively. There was, of course, only one day game in the bigs, a closely contested affair in which the D'Bags trumped the Giants 4-1.

WoW's Camp Tiger Claw highlighted the contrast between Arizona ace Brandon Webb and Giant mope Barry Zito. CTC, however, was more subtle in his slight:

Zito is, well... if you want to read about how lousy he is, go to every other baseball website in existence.

That's nice. I, conversely, went with a rote breakdown of Zito's crappy stats and bloated contract--damn it! So predictable!

On the other hand, CTC dropped the ball in his opening sentence whe he talked about Webb and Zito's career "arches," which would make a lot more sense if it was "arcs." I, meanwhile, managed to field my position without an error, unless you count my use of the Bermanism "G-Men." Mild faux pas, but I had to dive for it and the official scorer ruled it a base hit.

So the game was tied going into the ninth, and was decided on originality. Baseball In The Daytime, as the genesis of the species, emerged with a nailbiter of a W. Better luck next time, fellas, and Play Ball!
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