You Know You Make Me Want To Shout

Greetings again, boys and, uh, boys. Today we are once again live and rockin' in Kansas City, on the HoG's first-ever staff field trip. Seeing as how the Weekend Correspondent is in an alcohol-induced coma and Bankmeister is fixin' to honeymoon, you and I are going to be seeing an awful lot of each other over the next week. Let's establish the ground rules: you don't like me, and I do not like you. Settled.

Without question, the greatest thing about sports and being a fan is that you have something to talk about with other guys. Were it not for this fact, men would never have conversations, with anyone, at any time. Sports gives us an avenue for actual discourse with any stranger.

Face it: small talk blows. If I were forced to talk to you in a social setting, the details of your job would bore me to tears in approximately one second. Don't be offended, my job is just as tedious and awful. Work sucks, and talking about it when you're not at work sucks one hundred per cent more. I wouldn't care if you were a covert special agent for a mercenary assasin squad full of lethal strippers, after about a minute I'd prefer a hollow point bullet to the temple over your job-related war stories.

Family & kids? Please reload and fire again. Your wife is exactly the same as mine. They don't understand us and they shop a lot. Your children suck at most everything they try and they are not well-behaved. If you regale me with stories about them it only makes me hate them, and hate you.

While these bullshit details about our lives are horrible conversation, sports make it easy. I can and do spend hours babbling with complete strangers about early entries in the NBA draft, Double-A baseball and the kind of trim that bench players pull. And football. Always football. Even most gay men I've met can carry on a minute or two about the NFL.

That's why, if you are a guy and you don't like sports, you are the lowest life form possible. I'd rather deal with pedophiles than the guy who says "I'm not that into sports." What? Why do you even leave the house? These "men" sicken and disgust me, in that they make my day to day life more difficult. Because I'm lazy and I like things easy.