We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: The Girls of SI Re-visited; or My Pre-CyberWebs-Porn-Fetish Fetish

In the days before I could throw away good American dollars on various mediums of adult entertainment, a brotha' had fewer options. It wasn't like now, my chapping young meast-massaging dice shakers. There was no A.T.M. action, no 10-on-one business, no Daily Niner (NSFW). No InterFugue babes of any kind for that matter. What you sought, you bought. And seldom was that easy, especially being underage and living with the folks.

There was, however, the swimsuit issue. And it was a Godsend. After my discovery of SI's annual gift (circa 1989) to the female-admiring men of the world, I managed to acquire copies of each issue for the previous 10 years. And I got to know them well. If there would've been swimsuit model fantasy sports back then, my lineup would've dominated; I'd've gone undefeated, sweeping the competition perenially.

This is not to say that I don't dig me some February SI these days. I just dug it a lot more back then. I'm told sex with real women will do that to a fella. I know this installment of We Are Hot Chicks would probably be a lot cooler if I timed it with the release of a current swimsuit issue. But huh-uh. That would require timing and planning, two items I don't speak. I'm pretty impressed for even spelling them right.


Let's have a run-through of Bankmeister's Top Ten SI hotties of the 80s and (early) 90s. I'm sure there are other opinions. This (in no particular order) is merely one of them.


Cheryl Tiegs

Cheryl, while far from the hottest of some of the hotties in SI's gift package back then, served a purpose. The purpose of fantasizing about older women. She was blessed upstairs, had a pretty smile, and was, for all intensive purposes, the MILF pilot.

Carol Alt

If Cheryl was the working man's woman, Carol served as white-collar wet dream. Alexi Yashin's to be exact. Though no one's really figured that part out. Beautiful smile, though. Smokin' bod'. And an uncanny knack for making you-know-what-eyes at the camera. Delectable.

Christie Brinkley




There isn't much we need to say about the former Mrs. Joel. She was the bag of chips at one time. She probably contributed a lot of something to the world of supermodeling. But who really cares? We peeked at her crack for a few years, admired her teeth, and ultimately, felt sorry for her in that she couldn't squeeze more of her genes and less of Billy's into their daughter.




Paulina Porizkova



Continuing the fad of shocking selections for husbands, Miss Porizkova astounded SI readers when her "work" appeared in its pages. I don't think astounded is a synonym for aroused. But it should be.

For reals. What a kitten.




Whether she's selling sea shells by the sea shore, or arching her back to Beatles lyrics, the artist not known (legally) as Miss O'Casek is really good at what she does. Another stellar nab, SI. The HoG thanks you and quietly boasts its ability to convert any and all Cars lyrics into Porizkova-directed sexual innuendo. Especially when there's a flower involved.

Elle McPherson

Elle was huge. Mammoth, even. She rocked the world with her height, gorgeous face, golden brown skin, and Aussie accent. Her images in the swimsuit issues bulldozed men around the globe for much of the 80s and early 90s.

Something about the area in between her hips gets the ol' gears cranking. I'm pretty sure the "she's got legs that go for days" saying had women like Elle in mind when it was conceived. Sheesh.

Kathy Ireland

It was no secret amongst my high school friends that I had a borderline-unhealthy, unbridled love for Kathy Ireland. The dungeon of my mom's basement -- where we never drank beer or smoked any mexico -- had one wall that was littered with every photo SI ever published of her. She moved me like no other.


Therefore, I'll be rewarding myself you guys with more pictures of her than most anyone else in this installment. Don't complain. She's worth it. Even when she makes goofy faces like this one (above).

Or this one (right). She does have a gift for grasping poles selecting outfits that accent her features, though. I think she's spent a few moments in the sun, too.

Sun, though, is good. Bikinis? Not bad, either. Tweezers? Also a nice invention.

I remember "The Making of the Swimsuit Issue" special that HBO featured. That was pretty bad ass. I was really bummed to discover that Kathy was a annual fan favorite. She received tons of mail, none of which was from me, I might add, after every issue was released and the shoot's producer shared with us what a genuinely sweet girl she was.

At first, I was pissed that other clowns out there were writing to my future wife. The nerve. I got over it. I knew I could still wrangle her in. Then my very world was shattered when I heard her speak. Ugh. So very unfortunate. But she wasn't done there, though. The very substance of my every waking (and passed out) moment had post-modeling plans. She had another career in mind. The world, to this day, is still unsure of why. But God bless her for trying. And for some other stuff.

Rachel Hunter



We know her very well. Extremely hot. Got the accent thing going. Also married a nimrod. Moving on.


















Stephanie Seymour



Stephanie took the world by storm. She exploded in the SI issues, leaving men around the globe with explosions of their own. This, of course, translated into a relationship with Axl Rose. Obviously. Why wouldn't it? And they made music videos and whatnot. Very quaint. And she is absolutely gorgeous.




























I figured I'd let you view in silence for that one. Especially since some folks (and by some I mean Asshole Yankee Fan) have big problems with words.











Vendela Kirsebom




When the heyday of McPherson/Ireland, and Seymour in the pages of SI came to a gentle halt, many men wondered if the magazine could top themselves. With this gorgeous blonde, they did just that. Only problem: she was gone as soon as she debuted. More or less, anyway. Big problem. Major problem. And I still wait, demanding an explanation.





Yamila Diaz



Yamila (notice my refusal to acknowledge her now-hyphenated, indicative-of-occurred-matrimony name) came later than the rest of these bunnies. Much later. Turn of the century even. But she knocked my drawers socks off, thus earning an honorable mention. Me gusta las Latinas, ese.


Not sure this one (right) ever made the pages of SI, but it should've, damn it. Isn't that a raft? That implies pool, which totally qualifies her outfit as a swimsuit. C'mon.





Good horsey. Steady there, boy. Bring Yamila home to daddy. There's a pickup bed full of sugar cubes in it for you.






That's it for this week. Drop by next week and roll your eyes at the minimal amount of time I put into that installment. God, I'm a loser.