We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: The Facial

Guys like boobs. Guys don't mind butts either. Legs -- also not too shabby. I think guys can tend to forget what got them to inspect those: the face. Let's inspect it. Closely. The faces attached to the following girls are special. They are all (or have at some point been) leading ladies of Hollywood in some form or another. And they are indeed hot chicks. Not the hottest in the world. That's not a claim being staked. They just have attractive facial features that makes them unique to the same faces the media gives us over and over again. That said, they're all familiar, some more exposed than others. But enough jabber. Let's ogle.



Patricia Heaton

















Sure. Everybody loves Raymond. Nobody ever talks about why, though. That'd be his wife. "Everybody Loves Checking Out Raymond's Hot Wife" would be a much better title for the award-winning, occasionally funny sitcom. Evocative eyes, attractive smile, poignant cheeks. Debra Barone has them all.







Gillian Anderson
















We haven't heard too much from this fabulous redhead since she stopped calling herself Special Agent Dana Scully. But she's around. And she's beautiful. She's the master of the penetrating glance, full-bodied lips, and erotic jawline. Hot indeed.












Liv Tyler

















So sometimes she looks goofy. Sometimes you can't not picture her father. But get over it. She's hot. The oval face, precise nose, modest cheekbones, and adorable chin qualify her as a must in this installment. Call her Princess Arwen, tell her father he's a dude that looks like a lady. Whatever floats your boat. Her hotness keeps our ship above water.













Maggie Gyllenhaal













I fell in love with Maggie during my first and second viewings of "Stranger Than Fiction." I understand she's appeared in other films, but have yet to figure that out. One could argue that she is not a hot chick, per se. One could also have the head that voiced that argument inserted in the colon attached to that same body. Everything about her face is hot. Like sake at Arrowhead in December.








Nona Gaye

We're tired of Halle Berry. There are plenty of other hot African-American actresses out there. And by plenty, I mean Miss Gaye. She's hot here in this shot of her from "The Matrix: Reloaded." And she's just a tad smokin' in the other one. (Note the cross' undying efforts to get farther south.) We know by her name she's talented. We know by just looking at her that she's hot as can be.

Julianne Moore

We at the HoG firmly believe that one good redhead deserves another. And Gillian Anderson is very deserving of Julianne Moore. Together. In the sack. With footage, of course.









Okay. If that doesn't happen, we'll be cool. Really white, very sexy redheads by themselves are inviting enough for us to survive. Keep an extinguisher handy. This zinger'll light you up.











Amanda Peet






She's becoming borderline overexposed. We thought we'd include her before she got there. You know, seeing as how she's suh-mokin'. Very sexy. Gorgeous lips, seizing gazes, delicious eyes. Amanda is our favorite kind of moss: the peet that drapes itself over the chiseled rocks the HoG staff resemble.







Editor's Note: The writer of this installment couldn't resist the urge to include that ultra-cheesy, entirely accurate pun.








Nicole Kidman












So she married Tom Cruise. Throw the girl a bone (imagine a very Beavis & Butthead-sounding laugh). That face is too stunning to pass up. The HoG, just before it was launched was immaculately close to naming itself the HoNK. Well, not really. I just made that up. Worked out pretty well though, eh?







Anyhoo, back to the model of the moment. I won't try to describe her face. Words in any language, verb tense or other sense would not do justice. Some people were just born gorgeous. This just in: she's one of 'em.






Elizabeth Hurley











Yikes. I forgot to mention that attractive faces are seldom hindered by bodies that make a man quiver. In fact, interestingly enough, Miss Hurley's maiden name was quiver. No longer can she boast that title, though. She just proudly refers to herself as Mrs. Bankmeister. Believe it!





Let's pause, catch our breath, and take another moment to appreciate those lovely faces. Now I'm gonna deliver two more. They are glo-effin'-bal. But that's cool. We can still dig on 'em. Get out your shovels, boys. Dig on them we shall.






Charlize Theron

Let's be truthful here. Some guys (eh-hem, cough) go nuts over Miss Scarlett Johannson. And that's fine. She's gorgeous, too. We at the HoG, however, happen to think that Miss Theron just happens to be the hottest blonde on the planet. And we can say that in good faith. Not one of our wives is blond. Well, not that blond. I won't point out any features. Absorb them on your own. And then do it again. We're right.

Salma Hayek

What could better follow the world's hottest blonde than world's hottest brunette? Not a damn thing. Don't argue. She is. Have another peek. We're right. Again. Good thing for us none of our wives are brunettes either. Well, they have brown hair, but it's not, you know, latina brown. So, she's the hottest latina-brown-haired brunette here on ol' planet Earth. She also, like any good package, comes with accessories included. Spell her first name with an 'e' if you prefer. We've seen it done both ways. And Miss Hayek told us that when it comes to HoG-related material, both ways is perfectly fine with her.



Well, she didn't tell all three of us that. She told ol' Bankmeister that. After clearing it with his second wife, the actress formerly known as Miss Theron. It's pretty easy to get to rambling when you have so much to say about all of these pretty faces. I'll shut up, though, and leave you with two more shots of Miss Bankmeister's favorite other woman to sleep with her husband.



























If those faces don't tell 1000 tales, then shoot me. Shoot me quick. Shoot me now. I don't want to hear anything other than the tales they tell me.

Stop by next week and see how efforts to compile a WAHC installment are thwarted by my wife -- the one that didn't used to be named Miss Bankmeister -- as we vacation in Central America.