Rocket, Rocket, All Of My Rocket Sauce

Since Rocket signed with the Yankees, a lot of folks have asked me what, as a fan of the Red Sox, I think of the deal. To their surprise, I’m perfectly fine with it. In the grand scheme of things, it was inevitable. Like Bobby Knight once said, in situations like this, you may as well lay back and enjoy it.

Make no bones about it, I hate Rocket. Not as much as some do, but he’s committed the unforgivable sin. What kills me most about him is that he’s so incredulous that anyone could have a negative opinion of him. Oh, gosh, Rock, could it be that you’re a gutless mercenary juicer? At least Damon is savvy enough to know that he’s made a devil’s bargain—he’s rich as all fuck but he burned his bridges with the Nation.

Regardless, Rocket is the greatest pitcher of my lifetime, bar none. No one else is remotely close. Buster Olney pointed out this morning that Rocket is 16 wins away from tying Warren Spahn for the most victories by a pitcher since 1930. I guess that’s pretty good. Even if I think he has zero morality, is a cheater, is a headhunting bitch who hides behind the DH, and is totally overrated as a big-game pitcher, I give the Rocket the appropriate amount of respect, because he’s earned it.

And that’s part of why his signing with the Empire is no big deal. Would it have been better for the Red Sox had he gone back to the Astros? Sure. But the Astros suck pretty hard. Another season there, with zero run support and nobody watching, what good is that?

I suppose Rocket signing with the Red Sox would have been cool—sort of. He is a great pitcher, and he would have upped the odds of a World Series title. But he’s a traitorous slimebag, and a greasy cock, and the champagne will definitely taste sweeter if his fat ass is not involved.

I also laugh at the notion that Rocket went to where he has the best chance to win a championship. Please. I think it was Rob Dibble yesterday that said if Rocket was truly interested in helping Steinbrenner take down No. 27 he would have gutted it out in spring training with the team. Cherry-picking in this fashion doesn’t display altruism. They’re going to end up paying almost $26 million for his services—if the Devil Rays had offered more he’d be there.

Beside, our poor brothers in the Bronx certainly need Rocket a lot more than the Red Sox do. Maybe this will make the race more interesting. My biggest concern with the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is the distinct lack of both media interest and superstar players. Perhaps the AL East can receive some much-needed pub.

New York’s projected, best-case scenario for a rotation now goes Rocket, Pettitte, Wang, Mussina, and Hughes. There are certainly no red flags or potential injury problems in that bunch—nice work, fellas.

And so here we go, in earnest. The clock has struck May and we’re almost free of basketball and hockey. I can’t wait to watch Rocket’s ludicrous starts in the low minors soon, and I can’t wait to see the greedy fucker take the bump at Fenway in early June. He will be good, and the Yankees will certainly be playing better at that point, and it should make for some drama. I just hope that America wakes up and notices.

(Editor's note: In the interest of full disclosure, Rocket does appear on the fantasy baseball roster of Old No. 7. So he has ulterior motives here. He did also matriculate at the University of Texas, which means he probably likes photos of young boys in tighty whities. Just sayin'.)

(Second Editor's Note: This post was originally supposed to air May 7, but was stolen by gremlins. So leave me alone, Administrator.)