We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Keepin' Up Appearances

It's good to hear from Banky, who apparently has yet to succumb to flesh-eating viruses (link NSFW) and third-world kidnappers on his honeymoon. I am aware of my grave responsibility in publishing this week's edition of WAHCW (that's a terrible abbreviation, by the way. If this were the military, it would be We Are The Chicks of Hotness...WATCH).

I'm up to the task. It involves two things I don't really enjoy, examining soft-core photos of hotties and drafting the accompanying snarky prose. That was a joke, a front, a facade if you will. I actually really enjoy those things.

And so, in searching for a theme for this week's installment of our (by far) most popular feature, I scrapped the first idea. Hot Chicks Of The WNBA didn't make the cut. Sue Bird is cute, and Swin Cash is legitimately attractive, but page after page of fugly horseflesh doesn't do it for my crotch fabric tension. I need cheap slutty gold-digging whores, and for that, we bring you the following fronts, facades and outright jokes:

HOT FAKE WIVES OF ATHLETES I KNOW TO BE GAY

How do I know they're gay, you ask? I just know. Rumors exist for all of these cats, and if they don't they should. And sixty per cent of the time, rumors are true every time. If you feel I've libeled any of these pole-polishers, feel free to boycott our advertisers.

MIKE PIAZZA (ALICIA RICKTER)

Piazza's gayness is so mainstream that he has to call press conferences denying it. His "wife" was once on Baywatch, yet she can't act worth a shit--isn't that weird? This is clearly the hottest photo of her on the Interbays, I'd say she's a solid 6 in this field.

JEFF GARCIA (CARMELLA DECESARE)

Like Piazza, Garcia overcompensates for his homocity by hiring a Playmate as arm candy. Jeff is really committed to the charade, because he paid lovely Carmella to get into a wicked lesbian catfight on the pretense of jealously guarding his affection. Brilliant. To say Jeff Garcia is the Babe Ruth of gay celebrity sham marriages is an insult to overused metaphors. Garcia, who's rather handsome, has no peers in this field.

SERGIO GARCIA (MORGAN-LEIGH NORMAN)

I honestly don't think Sergio takes it in the ass, unless Morgan-Leigh (daughter of Greg) straps on. She's simply not hot enough to be a true gay cover wife, and Serge also once dated Martina Hingis...yuck. I simply find it amusing that the golfer with a ton of talent who always chokes in majors would date the daughter of the golfer...you get where I'm going here.

RICKY WILLIAMS (WEED)

I've always had a theory that Ricky is gay, but it was his 60 Minutes interview with Mike Wallace that sealed it. In it Mike reminded us that Ricky has three daughters from three broads but no girlfriend, toured with Lenny Kravitz, is misunderstood and has a high-pitched pussy voice. Guilty.

TERRELL OWENS (FELISHA TERRELL)

I'm not sure, and I don't really care, but I think this was the chick that dumped TO, leading to his fake suicide. She's fairly pretty and used to work for a modeling agency, so if TO's publicist wanted to hire her to look good and deflect attention from his trysts with young boys it wouldn't be too much of a stretch. I'm especially fond of how TO chose a fake wife that has the same name as him--sound familiar?

JEFF GORDON (INGRID VANDEBOSCH)

Gordon is actually on fake wife No. 2, as initial employee Brooke took him for a reported $15 mil in the divorce settlement. Ouch. If there's anything worse than the loneliness of having to pretend that you're heterosexual with a hot chick you don't want to have sex with, it's having that bitch clean you out in court. Brutal.

DEION SANDERS (PILAR SANDERS) & PEYTON MANNING (ASHLEY MANNING)

Two more dudes who I actually don't think are gay, I just like to give Google one more relevant hit for when someone searches "Deion fag" or "Chesnning."