Baseball In The Daytime: May 29 2009

Friday brings us a pair of day games. That's right, folks, the final weekday is not, repeat not, the sole domain of the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs are still here, but they're joined by a game to be played in Arlington, Texas. That town sounds goofy, it must be made up.

So join in, ranch hands and milk maids, for another edition of Baseball In The Daytime--where we take our national pastime, soak it in lemonade and tobacco spit, then iron it out with a 33-ounce ash bat...

Editor's Note: I have no idea why I can't italicize or emboldify my text here, or add a photo...stupid free website.

LA Dodgers @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Mountain

The Cubs are a fiasco right now, an official four-alarm fire in a town that's skittish about such conflagrations. By my count they've lost 64 games in a row, but that may be off by one or two. Their longtime ace Carlos Zambrano is fading, often injured and now suspended for completely losing his marbles in a game on Tuesday.

The Dodgers, meanwhile, are cruising and on pace to wrap up the NL West by Flag Day. I don't actually know when Flag Day is, but I hope it's soon--there is absolutely zero chance that any of the other clubs in the division will catch this juggernaut. The best news for Humberto and his fellow LA fans is that in early July they'll call up this prospect named Manny Ramirez, who's currently on the DL due to complications from bearing his first child.

Today Chad Billingsley, who has a giant ass, starts opposite Ted Lilly, who owns a springer spaniel.

Oakland A's @ Texas Rangers, 3:05

Down in the Lone Star State, where George W. Bush once used other people's money to build the most roided-up roster in baseball history, Billy Beane's A's undertake an effort to slow down the red-hot Rangers. With a ball-crushing offense and a picthing staff that somehow gets a lot of outs, Texas has skated through the first two months of their season in first place. Today they send out a kid named Tommy Hunter to face off with Oakland's Josh Outman. Outman wears a sharp-looking pair of stirrup socks, which I'd show you if this God damned site would allow me to. Use the Googles, kids, and Play Ball!
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Wednesday Whatnot: Two Prominent HoG Figures Still at Large in Cities of Wind, Angels

Yes. There are two of them. And yes, we are international bloggers of mystery. It's true. We've even posted from overseas before. We're gonna make you work for the goodies, though. Check beneath the fake grass of the jump your Easter basket for the scoop.

Oh, good. Glad you decided to join us. The first is none other than Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who, as you can see,



is fitting in just fine in his new town.

The second? Well, authorities are prohibiting us from putting his likeness up on the 'Tubes, but he's certainly no stranger to these parts. Sure. The cops call him "suspect A." We know him better as Humberto.

So, you're headed to the the viney-walled Wrigley for some Cubby Ball? Got a trip to the Friendly Confines in your planner? Take note. Use the buddy system. Watch your back. These men are out there, and they will, in fact, hurt you.
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Lineup Against the Wall: Humberto's, Johnny Utah's L.A. Dodgers

Let me just start off by saying that if you use the word Dodgerball in your everyday life, feel free to get bent.

There. I feel much better. Are the Dodgers likable to non-Dodger fans? Are they? I can't really tell how I feel about them. As a kid they were great. Just flippin' stacked. Now they're just kind of obnoxious, it seems. I'm not really sure why, so please, after you've read this thoroughly researched, poignant post-jump lineup assessment, share your thoughts in the comments.

The lineup:

1) CF Matt Kemp
2) 1B James Loney
3) RF Andre Ethier
4) LF Manny Ramirez
5) SS Rafael Furcal
6) 2B Orlando Hudson
7) C Russell Martin
8) 3B Casey Blake

Three things about these hitters: 1) They're old, 2) they're slow, and 3) they can hit. Honestly, if this team can stay healthy, they'll be a threat, but I really don't think they will. Yes, there's some youth mixed in with all that experience, but I feel like the mix might be a bit much for L.A. this year. In a nutshell, I feel like the Dodgers' potential for success will depend heavily on the under-achievments of the pitching staffs in their division. That's the ticket; if they face shitty or inconsistent pitching, they can use that as a crutch for their old-ass selves, because frankly, they're not going to be hurling that well from their own mound.

1) Hiroki Kuroda
2) Randy Wolf
3) Chad Billingsley
4) Clayton Kershaw
5) James McDonald

About the best thing I can say for this staff is that they walk very few batters. They manage to get their fair share of strikeouts, but they just don't seem cohesive enough to dominate, and their rotation was an issue last year as well. How Kuroda is your opening-day starter over Billingsley is beyond me. Why you were interested in obtaining Randy Wolf is a bit of a puzzle as well. Clayton Kershaw may develop into a 15-game winner for you one day, but I doubt it'll happen this year. James McDonald was a September call-up last year, and he makes the rotation? Sounds pretty fishy to me until you consider just how young the Dodger bullpen is. They are damn young.

Throw in a couple of sucky journeymen like Guillermo Mota and, well, you're bummin'. The good news is that Hong Chi-Kuo and Jonathan Broxton are better than decent. The bad news is that that ain't gonna be enough. The Dodger sticks keep them in contention through mid-September, but second place is meant for them this year.
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More Playoff Baseball In The Daytime: Adorable Century Of Failure Edition

On the same horrible, horrible day that Cecil and I sat watching our Broncos lose at Arrowhead, there was a bit of good news. Cecil's fantasy baseball team captured the championship of the Ted Williams Unfrozen Head league over sometime HoG contributor Rustoleum. Now Rusto typically wins these things, and since he's a colossal dick he'll remind you of this fact. Cecil, on the other hand, had built quite a nice little pad for himself in the Ted's basement--until this year. This year his team had it all--power, speed, starters, relievers, you name it. They overcame their legacy of misery and took home the hardware.

As luck would have it, Cecil's also a Cubs fan. Figures. For now Chicago launches a playoff mission of its own, weighed down by 99 years of disappointment and the expectations of millions. It's a good thing that this Cub club is the finest gang of Chicago Nationals I've ever seen, and that they're probably the best team in baseball this year. Because if they don't bring this one home, mercy.

But first things first, the Dodgers are in town for Round 1. And the Dodgers are not exactly dripping with that most precious October commodity, starting pitching. Let's take a look at the other National League Division Series...

Los Angeles Dodgers @ Chicago Cubs, Game 1, 4:37 Mountain It just occurred to me that both Chicago clubs and both Los Angeles-area clubs made the tournament while neither NYC team qualified. Take that, ya East Coast pricks! Let's break down this series via nothing but gut reactions, stereotypes and innuendo--no facts, stats or logic allowed. Sort of the McCain-Palin method.

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE DODGERS Where could I start? Tommy Lasorda, for one. As for shortcomings on the current team, though, you have to start with the starting pitching. If Derek Lowe is the best you can do with your Game 1 assignment you'd best be an outstanding offensive squad, which LA is not. Game 3 starter Hiroki Kuroda has been alternately marvelous and awful, and he has exactly as much postseason pitching experience in this country as I do. Other than Manny, there's no power. And then there's the famously apathetic Chavez Ravine crowd, which pretty much does the opposite of creating any kind of playoff excitement.

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE CUBS This list pretty much begins and ends with Alfonso Soriano. He's a crappy leadoff hitter. He strikes out too much. He's quite possibly the worst defensive baseball player of all time--I don't know if he can even play catch. He's also capable of hitting 10 homers and stealing 10 bases in this series. I really don't like anything about Alfonso Soriano.

What else? The up-the-middle defense of Soto, Theriot and Edmonds is merely average. You never want to really count on Kerry Wood. And Big Z has turned in some stinkers down the stretch. But then he also threw a no-hitter. Picking nits.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE DODGERS I love Humberto, or at least I claim to so he doesn't murder my family. I love the fact that Rafael Furcal will play. I love the fact that Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre will not. I love the huge ass and filthy junk of Chad Billingsley, and I'm comfortable with the homoerotic overtones of that statement. But most of all, I love the Dodgers organization becoming a haven for refugees from the remains of the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.

On one side there's Joe Torre, who seems a lot more likable now that he's awake and actually managing. Torre, who decimated Scott Proctor's arm in the Bronx, just left Proctor off the playoff roster. I'd say Torre's kind of an asshole for mistreating Scott Proctor, but do you know anyone that likes Scott Proctor? Exactly.

On the other side is owner Frank McCourt, who's from Boston and bought the Dodgers only after he couldn't afford the Sox. There's Lowe, of course. The Dodgers do give Nomar a paycheck, which is nice because the man needs to eat. And then there's Manny, who's only put up MVP numbers since his trade. I wasn't sure how I'd react to seeing Manny in another uniform, but the verdict is in--I'll always be a fan. Unless he takes Steinbrenner's money, in which case I'm turning Humberto loose on his family.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE CUBS Everything, dude. Their bench is great. Piniella is great. The atmosphere will be electric. Lee and Ramirez and Fukudome are pros. Harden can shut anyone down. Ryan Dempster had a great year, as did Mark DeRosa and Soto and almost everyone else. Cubs fans, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

Prediction: Cubs in 5.
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Midseason Report Card: NL West

What. So it's September. Hardly mid-season. I got it, already. We type (from wheelchairs no less) our content, mail it to a Web-publishing office, who then sends us a draft edit, and we fix stuff, and send it back. It takes time. We promise, though, to have the National League covered by month's end. For real. Anyway, special agent Johnny Utah joins us today, and if you like what he says about America's pastime, then check out what the babealicious Sooze said about the AL Central here, Blanche Feverpiss on the West here, and Rustoleum's slant on the East here. Actually, we don't really care if you liked it or not. We did, and we're not only slow as erosion, we're self-pleasers. Anyway, for the record, our boy Utah is also a fan of exclamation points and all-capping the occasional word.

Bankmeister: First, if you would, tell us a bit about yourself, your history as a baseball fan, and how you've come to embrace the team we all associate with Tommy Lasorda, Steve Garvey, (Editor's Note: I've heard you say before that Garvey is a sore spot since he later went to San Diego, but that's how I'll always remember him, so all apologies.) Steve Sax, Ron Cey, and of course, Fernando Valenzuela. I trust you were well engaged by the 1988 World Series, and I'll assume that since I remember the '81 defeat of the Yankees, that you do, too.

Beyond that, as of today, the Dodgers are a game and-a-half back of the Arizona Diamonbacks (Note: Obviously a few days ago; the reverse is true today.), and if memory serves correctly -- chances are it doesn't, and I'm too lazy to look it up -- that's pretty much been the case since mid-season, give or take a small handful of games. We've got a little over three weeks left in this regular season, and as of today, L.A. hosts Arizona for a three-game series (Note: LA swept that series, 7-0, 7-2, and 5-3). How do you see this division shaking up? If Team Lasorda can't get it done, the Phillies right now have a better record than the Dodgers. I imagine that you're hoping to take the division and rule out the nerve-racking possibility of having to squeak in as a wildcard.

Johnny Utah: Ok, Im a life-long Dodger fan since my father played for them in the 60s and later tried to make a comeback in the Phillies organization. I grew up in Philly watching the likes of Mike Schmidt, but always had the Blue Blood. And yes, Garvey is my boy even though he became a Padre (I still block that out!). The wanker once not only wouldn't sign an autograph for me, but he dropped my pen and wouldn't pick it up! Bastard!

The '88 series was magical for me. I was fresh out of high school and becoming a member of the working force. Man, I remember the Gibby home run like it was yesterday. It was all the sweeter that he hit it off Douche Eckersley. In my opinion, Mickey Hatcher was the MVP of the series but never got the credit. One home run all year, with 2 clutch at bats in the series! Atta boy, Mickey!

Enough with the history lesson; on to the present. It has to be the division or nothing. Ten games out of the wild card would be next to impossible, so nix that out of the equation.

This weekend series is pivotal. Good for me that it takes place in the not-so-friendly confines of Chavez Ravine. I predict the boys in blue take two out of the three and go on to win the division by two games. Why?

First, the Snakes' rotation is totally overrated. The Unit is not what he was. He's not intimidating anymore, although John One Nut Kruk will say different. Brandon Webb has proven in his last two outings that he is not untouchable. He has given up six runs in each of his last two, one of the games in question was to the pillow-bitting Padres. Sit down Webby, you started hot and gave my fantasy team a boost, but...Dan Haren? Gimme a break....

Adam Dunn was a nice pickup, NOT. The friggin guy strikes out more than me at a Victoria's Secret photo shoot! Moot point, just wanted to include.

Why LaLa will take it...

Joe Torre is a really good manager. He has kept Jeff "The Mustache Kent" from causing any grief with teammates. Bonus points there!

The bullpen has proven that even with the loss of Takashi Saito they can shut down the opposition in the closing innings. Kind of a closer-by-committee approach courtesy of Mr. Torre. Chan Ho Park and Jonathan Broxtan have proven themselves in this department.

A quality starting staff: Derek Lowe has been in many a playoff hunt, so there is some experience. Chad Billingsly is going to be a fantasy stud in the next few years, as is Clayton Kershaw. In fact, the Indians wanted Billingsly in a deal for Sabathia, which LA obviously declined. Thank you, Ned Colletti!

The additions of Casey Blake and ManRam: They have both contributed a great deal. Blake seems to come up with key hits in the clutch. Manny always finds a way to get on base now that he is happy with his situation. Even if it is by the ole IBB, he is a strong bat in the lineup the Bums have been missing since Pedro Guererro.

The schedule also points in the favor of LA. More road games, but six against San Diego, six against the Jints, and four at Pittsburgh.

Looming are the fricken Rockies @ five games back. They DID come out of nowhere last year....Not concerned about Jorge DeLa Rosa this year....Matt Holliday would look good in Blue, isnt he a free agent?....I'm just saying

B: Interesting. So, LA has the edge based the non-strength of their remaining schedule, and because the Diamondbacks, are, you say, a tad overrated? Perhaps I can see a shade of that with their rotation, but they've still managed to score more runs than anybody in the division except the Rockies. That means they're either putting some lumber on some seamage, or getting on base and advancing runners, or some combination of both. Therefore, they can remain competitive, even if their pitching is slightly weaker than it looks on paper. Are you feeling confident enough to guarantee an LA division title? Assuming you are, and that that happens, who would you fear most in the playoffs? The Cubs of course have the great record, but they sort of seem to be falling apart right now. Do the Mets pose a threat? How about Milwaukee? They're my dark horse.

JU: Very overrated. They do have the second most runs in the division. However, when they lost the O-Dog Orlando Hudson, they lost a piece of their chemistry. Since he was placed on the DL August 10th, they have seemed to lose steam. I have a lot of love for Steven Drew, baseball's version of Scott Skiles, but he alone won't get the job done. Adam Dunn, as I stated earlier, is a strikeout machine. He is unable to advance runners. Glory hound I say...

With that, I say I'm very confident on a NL West Title. Im trying to stay unbiased, but all signs point to DodgerTown.

Although the starting rotation is shaky, the Phils are the biggest scare. That lineup is fierce. Chase Utley has a career .355 and an OPS of 1.105 against my boys. Russell Martin has been horrendous throwing out runners this year, so Jimmy Rollins becomes even more dangerous. Shane Victorino (who was drafted by LA in '99) finds ways of coming aroung to score. Needless to say, sound fundamental ball is the Dodgers' weakness.

Just advancing to the NLCS will be a victory after the past disappointments.

It will occur, write it down. So says Johnny Utah.

B: NLCS you say? So they get in, win one round of the playoffs, get eliminated, and you're fine with that? I find that hard to swallow. Frankly, I would expect more from someone who's waited 20 years for a Dodger World Series trophy, and even more so for someone who watched a Philly Eagles team come so close for those consecutive years, only to go home disappointed each time.

JU: Geez, Banky. Why do you have to bring Donnie Mac into this?

I'm not saying that I would be satisfied with a one and out. I was just saying that anything less than that would be a huge disappointment. With bringing in Torre, and his ability to manage the team, not winning the division would have Dodger Nation calling for his head.

We Blue Bloods are hungry for a ring! With ManRam, Torre, the pitching staff, and the hot bat of Ethier, it's obtainable.

B: Fair enough, Utah. How do you see the rest of the playoffs panning out, both NL and AL?

JU: For the N.L., I see Dodgers~Phillies in the NLCS, with the Phils winning in six games. In the A.L., I see the Red Sox taking the East, with the Rays getting the wild card. White Sox and Twins tie, with the Pale Hose winning the one-game tie breaker. I'll say the Angels take out the South Siders in the ALCS.

I predict another title for the Angels in five games. They have no glaring weakness.

B: Interesting. No Baby Bears anywhere in the mix? First-round elimination for the best record in baseball?

JU: Not so much; just not sold on the Scrubs (real original I know). I'm not buying this 100 years; it's fate B.S. I hate the Cubs so much that come November I'm writing in Steve Bartman for Prez!

B: Alrighty, then. It's been a pleasure having you with us. If you make it to the Ravine for any playoff ball, be careful. Humberto will find you.

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Friday Afternoon Fracas: 8-29-08

Bunch o' lame shit going on 'round the MilkyWays today. Not a bunch, rather, but some. John McCain announced his running mate last night. It's a woman: kind of surprising. She's been the governor of Alaska: pretty rad. She's a hockey mom: pretty kick ass. This might mire some 'tweeners that can't think for themselves and decide which is worse, a minority in office, or a woman in office. That's them, those mentally twisted f**ks that make a up a large portion of our population. It's didn't alter my voting plans at all. But it is a curious move. Either way, I'm stoked to move forward into the haze of lame-duck Bushdom, which really won't be much different than the last seven and-a-half years, but whatever. A small handful of non-political yabyum, after the jump.

There's been a lame sports story or two making the cycles as of late, but this one takes the cake.

Oh, wait. My bad. This one does.

Continuing with the theme, Major League Jerk rails Fire Joe Morgan, then gives them a taste of their own medicine. Yowsers.

Strange happenings all around. Like Cristian Guzman hitting for the cycle yesterday, and helping his Washington Nationals crush Humberto's Dodgers 11-2. As the beauts at BLB say, "what the hell just happened?" One can't help but wonder how they'll fare this weekend against division rivals/leaders, the D'Bags.

To wrap it on a funny note, yesterday's "Balls Deep" at Deadspin, by the BDDster himself.
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Friday Morning Fracas: 8-22-08

When I went to bed last night, I was thinking to myself, "Man, I can't wait to get up and go to work tomorrow; the thought of sweating over a griddle for both the lunch and dinner rush again just sounds spec-fucking-tacular." So to start my day off, I'm going to include a picture of Miss Rice -- the Australian Olympic swimmer -- in her underwear. Why? 'Cause it's the GoreTubes, and I felt like it. Now, I myself have never owned any underwear like that. Of course, I've never had photos of myself in my underwear taken either, but that's a really boring story. What's not quite as boring lies ahead...

The first time I fought with my wife -- who was very, very far from being my wife at that point -- the topic of tantrum was this: dinner at her folks house, or attend my fantasy football draft. At the time, she hated football. Hated it. Now, she's a pretty big fan of it, and, I proudly sent the lil' camper off to her first fantasy draft of her own the other night. It made me curious, excited, and nervous. Curious to see how many of the other women had male assistance in draft preparation, excited for her to enjoy it, and do well, and nervous that she would fare better in her league than I in my own. In the end, I found myself feeling lucky. Lucky that she is not one of the women that belongs to this campaign, or club, or whatever you want to call it.

Speaking of fantasy, The NFL Draft Site has scribed a post consisting of fantasy sleeper picks. It includes a total of five whole players, two of whom are Calvin Johnson and Jason Witten. Nice work. Really.

This Little League World Series clip comes to us via Awful Announcing. They have many opinions on it. I, however, do not.

In Major League Baseball, there is one team that we here at the House of Georges will never fail to cover: Humberto's Dodgers of Los An-hell-ace. We all like picking up Hiroki Kuroda for a spot start in fantasy baseball, we adore the ManRam, and hell, throw skipper Joe Torre blogging into the mix, and consider my throwback Orel Hershiser jersey all but purchased.

Speaking of Los Dodgers, Ozomatli, one of my favorite bands of all-time, is now apparently on the payroll...



(clip courtesy of Sons of Steve Garvey)

That was quite unsavory. But speaking of throwback...



That's pretty good stuff, but I prefer the briefer, more on point rendition delivered by Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster...



(clips courtesy of Big League Stew)

Bugs & Cranks wants to know who the bigger MLB villain is: Barry or Manny.

Finally, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't look forward to BDD's "Balls Deep" column each Thursday over on the Deadspins. I do look forward to it, mostly because it's freaking hilarious. I'm going to link to yesterday's piece, but before I do, please read this sentence: There is a picture of a woman with her breasts exposed at the bottom of the post. They are fully naked, rather largish breasts, thus marking the post Not Safe For Work. Okay. Just wanted to make that clear. The post is here.

Enjoy your Friday, people.
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Monday Miscellany: 7-28-08

It's Monday. We're working hard/hardly working, and bored. To pass the time, here are a few fun sound bytes to listen to while we hurl a bunch of completely random barrels at our readership. I've never understood the concept of using a hammer to bash anything other than a nail. It just seems odd and fruitless. An easier solution seems to be to simply jump.

CBS Sportsline is re-visiting their Top 50 Jerkiest Athletes of All Time list from last year with an updated version. Good calls include: Art Modell, Bill Romanowski, Terrell Owens, Mike Tyson, Ron Artest, Adam Jones, John Rocker, "Ko-Me" Bryant, and Mike Vick.

Not so much: Michael Irvin gone from the list? O.J. Simpson replaced at number one by Roger Clemens? Reggie Jackson higher than Bonds, Bryant and Jones? Tommy Lasorda's more of a jerk than George Steinbrenner? What will Humberto and the Dodgers' faithful say?

(Props to The Big Lead for delivering the links, and for this story, which makes me wonder if Peyton was around.)

Kissing Suzy Kolber has been previewing each division in the NFL. Their latest is the AFC North, which they apparently don't think too highly of. Freaking hilarious.

Joe Morgan accepted the first Buck O'Neil Lifetime Achievement Award in Cooperstown this weekend. The award itself is an honor, and Morgan is clearly deserving of it. The article, however, is very confusing as MLB HOF president Jeff Idelson presented the award to O'Neil's son Warren, who presented the award to Morgan? On behalf of the O'Neil family? Though The Kansas City Star article's sub-header and photo caption are confusing, it's clarified in this video by Negro Leagues Baseball Museum Marketing Director Bob Kendrick; O'Neil's family received the first award, in honor of the late Buck, then handed one to Joe Morgan, as this year's recipient.

Fire Joe Morgan thinks that the Dodgers G.M. is crafty. I mean, his name is Ned after all. He must be.

Elsewhere in the world of craftiness is the guy that made this sign:



(image courtesy of Babes Love Baseball)

Those crazy Red Sox. When they're not belting tunes with Chesney, or cooing Manny, they're looking back at some of their club's best 'staches of the past. Or at least we are.

Be it AL East, NL West, or NL Central, trade talks continue to circulate, and Mark at Bugs and Cranks thinks that the rumor mill regarding the Rockies might be changing.

Of course there are always rumors. Some are more believable than others. Some are just plain shocking. Like the one that suggests that ESPN might replace Barry Melrose with Matthew Barnaby. The former Sabre and Penguin did have a knack for logging penalty minutes (2562 for his career next to 113 goals and 187 assists), but I doubt he can outdo the mulleted master of pinstripe-suit-wearing white guys. Come. On.

(shizams to Going Five Hole via Awful Announcing)

And for no apparent reason, I'll once again link to the article known as "The Chase." Just because it's that good.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-26-08

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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-7-08

Our first day games of the week tee off this afternoon with two selections from the Senior Circuit and one from the Junior. If I seem a little hung over today, well, it's because I am.

One of the few things my brain has been able to handle this morning was this video, suggested by Mr. Olney. MLB does not allow you to embed its clips into the blogs, but even if they did I doubt I could have pulled it off. Blame the tequila. After the jump, we'll get our hands dirty with some game previews and vomit...

Chicago Cubs @ Cincinnati, 10:35 Mountain Adding intrigue to BITD for exactly two people in the world is a fantasy baseball trade made on Sunday. I acquired Carlos Guillen from my cousin Brian for a package of players that included Reds righty Edinson Volquez. It was tough to part with the kid, but my infield is in shambles. Now, in a cruel gesture fit for Shakespeare, Brian sends Volquez to the mound against me today. Jon Lieber is your Cub starter, if you require these sorts of details.

NY Mets @ LA Dodgers, 1:10 The NL representatives for the nation's two largest media markets wrap up their series today with a getaway contest in Chavez Ravine. John Maine, who was actually born in Virginia, goes against Brad Penny, who makes more than one cent. So what I'm saying is these guys' names are totally misleading. Just wanted to clear that up.

Baltimore @ Oakland, 1:35 I love The Wire, and I love Tupac, so whom shall I pull for in this game? Both the seminal television series and the rap kingpin are dead, but today their legacies are honored by starting pitchers Jeremy Guthrie and Joe Blanton. Two street gangstas if I ever saw 'em. Since I acquired Blanton as a throw-in in the aforementioned Guillen deal, I suppose I'll side with the A's and hope Omar doesn't come after me.

XM Radio MLB game schedule

DirecTV Extra Innings schedule

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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-1-08

We span the majors under the sunshine again today, with four games played on grass fields and the lightswitches set to "off." On tap are a surprising showdown for first in the AL East, a Lake Michigan grudge match in the NL Central, a Japanese rookie and an honest-to-goodness fat knight.

After the game previews, We'll also dissect the strength of Cecil's fantasy baseball team and why he's kicking the shit out of me this week. So advance past first and smoke 'em if you got 'em...

LA Dodgers @ Florida, 10:10 Mountain I watched quite a bit of the Dodgers-Marlins game last night (please don't ask me why) and I noticed that while very empty, Dolphins Stadium was not quite as barren as usual. Have these still-barely-first-place Fish captured the hearts of South Florida? Or have years of training in Vero Beach left a core of local Dodger fans? We may never know. Don't expect attendance records today, what with the early getaway start time and Burke Badenhop on the mound (Hiroki Kuroda goes for the Dodgers).

Tampa @ Baltimore, 10:35 Baseball is all abuzz with the ascendancy of the Bay Rays, and with good reason. This team has never been relevant in any fashion. The '08 version has the requisite young position player talent, including future All-Star Evan Longoria. But the big difference has been in the pitching staff--the rotation has been solid and the pen spectacular, and ace Scott Kazmir has yet to throw a pitch in anger (he'll come off the DL this weekend). Matt Garza, obtained from Minnesota in the Delmon Young trade, seeks a win today, a win that will be contested by Brian Burres of the O's.

Kansas City @ Texas, 12:05 The wheels have come off in KC, and all we're waiting for is the annual Posnanski column signaling the end of the Royals' season. On the plus side, that piece has normally already run by now--improvement! The odds are good we can wait another day for the Poz obituary, as Sir Sidney Ponson, the Rangers' obese Aruban gas can, gets the nod this afternoon. Opposing His Royal Highness is your Royal starter Zach Grienke.

Milwaukee @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Finally, at the Friendly Confines, we wrap up the series between the Cubs and the Brewers. While well-paid monster starter Carlos Zambrano (Big Z, in the parlance of the times) represents the North Side nine, Milwaukee turns to young Yovani Gallardo. Gallardo has pitched well this season (0.64 ERA in two outings), yet his teammates with bats tend to hang him out to dry (1 run of support in said outings).

Fantasy Update Gallardo and Greinke are also starting today for the Fort Meast Blood Badgers, the fantasy baseball team of your favorite writer and mine, Cecil. I'm somewhat less of a Cecil fan this week, as his Badgers are absolutely devouring Making Noises for Moises--my club. Cecil's boys are leading this head-to-head league with a stellar .705 winning percentage, and it's not hard to see why. It's the sticks.

Fort Meast leads the Ted Williams Frozen Head league in runs scored, homers, batting average and OPS--even after trading slugger Pat Burrell to me. Now while many of his hot starters most likely won't last (Nate McClouth, Carlos Quentin, Geovany Soto), his high picks have failed to bust (Brian Roberts, Aramis Ramirez, Carl Crawford). Cecil leads the league in free agent transactions and has effectively rounded out his roster with gems like Erick Aybar, but it was his low-round picks of Conor Jackson and Longoria that have paid off the most. Asshole.

The pitching staff is impressive, just not as dominant. The big score is Ervin Santana, who ran his record to 5-0 last night. While the bullpen has not put up huge numbers, it should improve with Joba Chamberlain, Doug Brocail and Scott Downs (holds count in this league, so middle relievers are valuable).

Cecil has never made the playoffs in the Ted, which is celebrating its fifth anniversary. He's a serious threat this time around, with a good draft and a tremendous amount of hustle and research. Is he ready to take the next step? It's a long haul, but all you can do is hit the yard everyday and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 4-9-08

I've listened to a lot of Reds baseball on the radio this year. I'll admit, I've got a case of Cueto Fever that medication will not assuage. Now they play this song, and it's annoying, but it's on the radio so I just assumed it was some Cincinnati douche-rockers.

I don't know if Bronson is just lip-synching to the Cincinnati douche-rockers or that's actually his composition, but holy hell. I must give credit to this find to the excellent Bugs And Cranks, a tremendous full-service baseball blog that also gives us this running Royals scrimmage with, of all people, Trev Alberts.

But on to the day games. We get a pair of West Caost-y getaway numbers today, featuring skinny dudes busted for performance-enhancing drugs, a slugging pitcher and the latest Japanese mound sensation...

Cleveland @ Los Anaheim, 1:35 Mountain At this point, the only thing that bugs me about the whole steroid mess is when people talk about "clean" players. Mark Grace oughta be in the Hall because he's "clean." Ken Griffey will be a worthy addition to the 600-HR club because he never did that shit. There's no way John Kruk was on juice, look at him. Nuts to all that. Paul Byrd was on the HGH, people. Paul Byrd. Paul Byrd looks like a toll collector and he can barely break the speed limit with his fastball. Today he starts against Dustin Moseley, who's totally clean.

LA Dodgers @ Arizona, 1:40 i didn't watch his start last Friday, but judging by his linescore Hiroki Kuroda is legit. His major league debut featured seven innings of three-hit ball, and if he can keep that up these Dodgers are going to be formidable until Brad Penny gets his annual injury. Today, under the rrof of Some Bank Stadium, he'll engage Micah Owings. Owings is known as as one of baseball's best-hitting pitchers, but did you know he's third on the all-time home-run list for high school players? It's true, or at least Wikipedia-true, which is pretty close.

Now get out there and Play Ball!
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Does This Look Like A Ballfield?

I'm a big geek when it comes to ballparks, so this stunt they're pulling Saturday in LA is interesting, at least to me. The Dodgers and Red Sox are playing a three-game exhibition series starting tonight, with two of the games being played at Chavez Ravine.

Saturday's game, however, will be at the Coliseum. Yes, that Coliseum, where Olympics have been staged, USC plays, and the Raiders once roamed (saw my first regular-season game there, matter of fact). The Dodgers played there for a few years after they moved from Brooklyn and their park was under construction, and they rigged up a 42-foot-high screen 250 feet from home to account for the goofy dimensions.

Tomorrow, that screen will be closer and higher, and Manny will take aim and pose. Take a look at this cool interactive graphic, and stay tuned after the jump for another Lineup Against The Wall, Dodger-style...

I don't know what Joe Torre will do, but if he's smart LA will sport a lineup like this:

1. Rafael Furcal SS
2. A second baseman
3. Matt Kemp LF
4. James Loney 1B
5. Andruw Jones CF
6. Russ martin C
7. Andre Ethier RF
8. A third baseman
9. A pitcher

You'll notice a few things here that may look a little weird. Porn-Stache Kent and Nomar aren't around, but that's because they're old, brittle and will most likely start the year on the DL.

The other veteran I've benched is Juan Pierre, because he's really an awful baseball player. Check out this Fire Joe Morgan sendup of this Bill Plaschke piece for an idea of the shittiness of Pierre and the myopia concerning his nonexistent talent. Look, I like Pierre. I liked what he did for the Rockies and the Marlins, and he was once an exciting player. But he can't hit a baseball and he throws like a penguin. And penguins don't have thumbs.

Play the kids. The kids are awesome. Few clubs have the kind of young core that the Dodgers have, and it's a waste to make Ethier sit behind Pierre. There's some dude named DeWitt who can play third and a second-sacker that goes by Hu, but Hu gives a fuck? The rest of these guys can hit.

One final note, about Andruw Jones. The two-year, $36 million deal he signed was one of the most widely ridiculed in baseball, but I thought it was brilliant. LA is a team that could easily win the NL this season. They needed a centerfielder to replace Old Penguin-Arm, and they needed a slugger to pick up the slack that Porn-Stache and Nomar invariably leave when they rip groin muscles from the bone and wash trucks. Andruw had the worst contract year in the history of baseball, when he showed up weighing about a Barkley and a half and he hit Pierre's weight. By giving him a short-term deal, he still has the incentive of playing for one more big payday (we forget this, but he's only 30). I expect Andruw to have a decent year at the plate and hustle his beer gut around the outfield.
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Baseball in the Daytime: 9-18-07

Today's lone day baseball matchup means very little in the hunt for October, so if you really have to pee, go ahead. You're not missing anything here. If your bladder's nice and empty, and you're interested in this NL West matchup, you may view it with an even keener eye when I tell you that it's the first part of a double headers. Guess what, baseball fans? Today's game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Colorado Rockies is the first half of a double header!

Seriously, though. The matchup pits Dodgers' righty Chad Billingsley, who's four straight wins fill out his overall 11-4 much nicer than his legs do his pants, against the Rockies' 15-game-winning lefty Jeff Francis. Things don't look great for the Dodgers, who sit four games back; they look even less great for Colorado who's two games behind L.A., but could obviously eliminate that defecit with a sweep of today's games.

Speaking of this evening's bout, Mark Redman and his lone win take the mound and faces the always-attractive, slim-good-bodied, 8-8 David Wells. The first matchup gets underway at 2:05 Central and can be caught on the XM One Eight Nine; the first pitch of this evening's matchup will be delivered at 7:35. Read more