Baseball In The Daytime: May 29 2009

Friday brings us a pair of day games. That's right, folks, the final weekday is not, repeat not, the sole domain of the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs are still here, but they're joined by a game to be played in Arlington, Texas. That town sounds goofy, it must be made up.

So join in, ranch hands and milk maids, for another edition of Baseball In The Daytime--where we take our national pastime, soak it in lemonade and tobacco spit, then iron it out with a 33-ounce ash bat...

Editor's Note: I have no idea why I can't italicize or emboldify my text here, or add a photo...stupid free website.

LA Dodgers @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Mountain

The Cubs are a fiasco right now, an official four-alarm fire in a town that's skittish about such conflagrations. By my count they've lost 64 games in a row, but that may be off by one or two. Their longtime ace Carlos Zambrano is fading, often injured and now suspended for completely losing his marbles in a game on Tuesday.

The Dodgers, meanwhile, are cruising and on pace to wrap up the NL West by Flag Day. I don't actually know when Flag Day is, but I hope it's soon--there is absolutely zero chance that any of the other clubs in the division will catch this juggernaut. The best news for Humberto and his fellow LA fans is that in early July they'll call up this prospect named Manny Ramirez, who's currently on the DL due to complications from bearing his first child.

Today Chad Billingsley, who has a giant ass, starts opposite Ted Lilly, who owns a springer spaniel.

Oakland A's @ Texas Rangers, 3:05

Down in the Lone Star State, where George W. Bush once used other people's money to build the most roided-up roster in baseball history, Billy Beane's A's undertake an effort to slow down the red-hot Rangers. With a ball-crushing offense and a picthing staff that somehow gets a lot of outs, Texas has skated through the first two months of their season in first place. Today they send out a kid named Tommy Hunter to face off with Oakland's Josh Outman. Outman wears a sharp-looking pair of stirrup socks, which I'd show you if this God damned site would allow me to. Use the Googles, kids, and Play Ball!