Baseball In The Daytime: 7-3-08

If you like to watch baseball, one thing you should never do is buy your own home. Sure, purchasing property is part of the American Dream and the single most responsible thing you can do for the struggling economy. But it fucks your baseball season, man. Big time.

When else is the wife going to decide to concurrently remodel your bedroom and install a sprinkler system in the yard? That shit ain't happening in March, not if you're married to a teacher. No, that only goes down in July, when the pennant races are heating up and your team is getting blasted by the fucking Bay-Rays.

So here's some Baseball In The Daytime for ya, you jerks. Enjoy it. I'll be at work until my lunch break, when I get to go stick some pipe in a trench. Same thing I'll be doing tomorrow, on the national holiday. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, unless they buy a house, in which case those men enslave themselves for a lifetime of chores in exchange for some lousy equity that's diminishing anyhow. God Bless The U.S.A.

LA Dodgers @ Houston, 12:05 Mountain In each of the last five seasons I've predicted that the Dodgers would win the NL West. They always have the division's highest payroll and they assemble great teams on paper. But they nearly always disappoint. This year, with Joe Torre, a mix of veteran and nice young everyday players and deep pitching, I thought once again that they would take the flag.

These Dodgers still might, but they've let a golden opportunity pass by. Arizona's hot start has melted, as the D'Bags dropped to .500 this week. LA still sits a game and a half back because they can't piss straight. Everyone's hurt, Torre hasn't helped and the pitching staggers around as if sniffing paint. Today's starter Chad Billingsley has a 3.38 ERA but only a 7-7 record to show for it. He won a game on Saturday, in fact, in which his offense didn't collect a single hit. Try to do that sometime, it's really hard. Billingsley faces Brandon Backe of the Astros, who listens to Creed.

Milwaukee @ Arizona, 1:40 Those very Diamond Bags get a little BITD in themselves. In this matchup of teams with convertible houses, the Brewers of fan-shaped Miller Park infiltrate Chase Field, which resembles a box of bread. Manny Parra dons the road grays across from Brandon Webb in home whites. Unless one team or both wears those stupid solid-color BP jerseys, which are weak and vaguely un-American. In a time of global terror we must wear serious baseball uniforms, men. Now suit up and Play Ball!