Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lineup Against the Wall: Colorado's Third Form of Rockies

Number one would be the mountain range. Duh. Number two would be the hockey team that called Denver home in between calling themselves the Kansas City Scouts and the New Jersey Devils, leaving the third to be the baseball club that has home games at Coors Field. There's a reason why Arizona won't win this division this year, and there's a reason why it won't be Humberto's Dodgers either. Let's not forget San Diego. Okay, let's actually forget San Diego. And while we're at it, let's forget about Colorado's 2008, and think more along the lines of the two-years-ago Rockies, and call that the basis for my theory that they will win the West in 2009. I know. I know. Jeff Francis is likely out for the season. Stay with me, or at least join me after the jump, ya' naysayin' ninnies, where we go over the rules of HoG Club and look at this lineup.

The first rule of HoG Club is that you must hate Canadians. The second rule of HoG Club is that Jeff Francis is a stupid-ass Canadian, so he can have his shoulder surgery, his rotten record/E.R.A. and he can go play minor-league ball for the Blue Jays or something. I have a hunch, that even without Matt Holliday (Editor's Note: The third rule of HoG Club is that Canada and Oklahoma are pretty much the same thing.), this team is going to click this year. They kick things off against Arizona, who gave Colorado fits last year, and by golly, times've changed. Let's look at the Rockies:

1) LF Seth Smith
2) 2B Clint Barmes
3) CF Ryan Spilborghs
4) 1B Todd Helton
5) RF Brad Hawpe
6) SS Troy Tulowitzki
7) 3B Garrett Atkins
8) C) Chris Iannetta

This could be the most inaccurate lineup prediction I've put together thus far, but it doesn't matter, because for this team, there is no speed on the basepaths. I think the Rockies, collectively, stole like 6.5 bases in 2008. Nope. The approach for this team is to just plain crush the ball, and who better to start the mashing off than Seth fucking Smith. Seth Smith is going to hit the cover off of the ball for Colorado this year. Why? Because he slugged for .556 and had a +.300 average throughout spring training. That's why. Not to mention that one, lone time he went yard. You do not fuck with Seth Smith, kids. You should also not use profane language under any circumstances, unless, of course, you are talking about Seth fucking Smith. I mean look at him.

That guy eats rusty Hyundai bumpers sprinkled with Tony Gwynn back hairs for a midnight snack. You do NOT mess with that. Christ. Do we even need to look at the rest of this team?

Okay. Fine. We will. But we're not going to call them the Rockies. They are the Colorado SethFuckingSmiths. Take note. The rotation:

1) Aaron Cook
2) Ubaldo Jimenez
3) Franklin Morales
4) Jason Marquis
5) Jorge De la Rosa

I love this rotation. You've got a New Yorker, and a kid from Kentucky mixed in with a hell of an appetizing Latino smorgasbord. Plus you've got three flippin' lefties. The best part, though, about this fivesome, is that you've got a collection of dudes that are on the brink of being pretty darned good, and every last one of them could do just that. Plus, none of them has to pitch to Seth Smith. Jack. Pot. Honestly, I think this rotation hinges on Franklin Morales. All four of the others won at least 10 games last year and they tallied sufficient strikeouts as well. But Franklin Morales is like that wasted chick that does something stupid and ruins the chances of the 4 a.m. threesome. And you even had the YouTube'corder charged and ready. If Morales doesn't man up, this rotation crumbles, and the rest of the team goes with it, because the bullpen is going to thrive on quality starts. They don't strike out a ton of guys, they give up too many runs, and obviously you can't go straight to Manny Corpas and Huston Street 162 times in a season.

So I say, a healthy dose of Seth Smith at the plate, eight or nine wins from Morales, and middle relief that doesn't blow leads gets you the division in 2009. You heard it here first.