Baseball In The Daytime: 6-12-08

In between my periodic sips of Bud Selig's joy juice and Big Papi's taint sweat, I suppose I should find time to preview the day games in the horribly unfair and grotesque sport of baseball. To the 442,692 losers that attended an MLB game yesterday, and to the millions that tuned in to a broadcast, y'all are some buffoons. And you probably seduce children, damage the ozone layer, and engage in predatory lending to boot. Dicks.

Just for you villains who hate America, Mr. Selig has scheduled nine, count 'em, nine festivals of capitalist oppression. If you watch them, somewhere a puppy will be electrocuted, so enjoy, assholes...

Washington @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain If you're a fan of extraneous "N"s in guys' surnames, boy is this game for you. The starting pitchers are nnonne other thann Jason Bergmann and Tom Gorzelanny. If you'd like to buy a vowel please contact your closest concession stand between innings two and six.

Chicago White Sox @ Detroit, 11:05 The Pale Hose continue to hold on to first in the AL Central--at press time their lead was five and a half over the Twins and a full nine games over these Tigers. Buster Olney, who's far smarter than me on these matters, claims that if Dontrelle Willis does not regain major-league form (he's currently the highest-paid member of the Class A Lakeland Tigers), the trade that sent him and Miguel Cabrera from Florida to The D for a bucketful of hot prospects will go down as the worst ever. Wow. Crafty lefthanders Mark Buehrle and The Gambler/Roaster go in this one.

Arizona @ NY Mets, 11:10 Three All-Star pitchers were traded in the offseason (four if you count Dontrelle, which I don't). Two of them will face off today for their new clubs as Dan Haren represents the D'Bags and Johan Santana flies the flag of Los Mets. Meanwhile Erik Bedard sits at home with his dick in his hand.

Milwaukee @ Houston, 12:05 These two clubs haven't been NL Central rivals for long--the Brew Crew has only been in the division since 1998. These two cities, however, have been locked in a fierce battle for a century. A battle over who can claim the crown as America's Fattest Metropolis. Houston has dominated this contest for years, which pisses Milwaukee off to no end. They've been ingesting bratwurst, cheese curds and dark beer at an alarming rate, just to beat those Texas douchebags next year. Ben Sheets and Brian Moehler start today, and there will be no sausage races.

Texas @ Kansas City, 12:10 This one hardly seems fair. A whole state against one city? Luckily for the hometown Royals, they send plucky Brian Bannister to the hill opposite some dude named Eric Hurley. Joe Posnanski is surely transfixed to this contest, which makes him a sucker, a punk and probably an Islamic extremist. Real Americans like hockey and soccer.

Atlanta @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 As per usual, Wrigley Field has to barge in on BITD. You guys insist on being invited to every party, don't you? Today, on the city block bordered by Sheffield, Addison, Waveland and Clark, Tim Hudson's Atlanta Braves take on Carlos Zambrano's North Side Bruins. Carlos is a good hitter, and he really likes his porn.

San Francisco @ Colorado, 1:05 These two clubs played a really remarkable game last night. I suppose the novelty of pitchers' duels at Coors Field hasn't completely worn off yet. After a couple of gems hurled by Tim Lincecum and Ubaldo Jimenez, the game was 0-0 entering the bottom of the ninth. The Rox loaded 'em up with one out before Yorvit Torrealba lifted a short fly to left. Barry Bonds and his little girl arm Fred Lewis sent a throw home that beat Garrett Atkins to the plate, but the ball was dropped and everyone in LoDo got laid. Today you'll see Dirty Jonathan Sanchez against rookie Greg Reynolds.

LA Dodgers @ San Diego, 1:35 Jake Peavy, whose trip to the DL coincided with the Padres' nosedive, returns to the mound today. Actually, that's not true, the Friars have actually played pretty well without their ace, and last week they won four consecutive 2-1 games, which about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Trying to spoil Peavy's homecoming will be Hiroki Kuroda and his G.I. Joe kung fu grip.

Baltimore @ Boston, 4:05 This is another semi-early start time necessitated by the NBA Finals, but I don't see it wrapping up quickly. Your starters are Jeremy Guthrie and Jon Lester, both of whom tend to nibble and walk a fair share of dudes. Lester's returning from his baloney five-game suspension, and I can't wait for the next time the Sox play those bitch-ass Bay-Rays. Someone's taking one in the ribs, and then we're playing the feud--Play Ball!