Way To Go Fans, But You Still Belong Behind Glass

I have returned to the House, and I need to send out a few thank-yous. Thanks to Bank for covering my Baseball In The Daytime shift. Thanks to all of you who expressed concern over my absence. And thanks especially to the Toronto Blue Jays, who canned their manager and hired Cito Gaston. Cito Gaston! That is certainly a blast from the past. Next thing you know the Braves are gonna bring back Bobby Cox.

I wish my hiatus had been a fun one, filled with topless serving wenches mixing mai tais. No dice. It was, alas, related to the old day job. Luckily I can now slip back into the mindless sloth of my normal workday and bombard you, dear reader, with fairy tales about baseball.

I've missed pretty much the entire College World Series, but I understand that Fresno State and Georgia have made the final, which begins its best-of-three tonight. That should be ping-tastic. Up in the bigs, we're in the midst of another round of interleague, but a lot of the focus has turned to the upcoming All-Star Game. Specifically, it's now Bitch About The Fan Vote season! Now I harbor no love for the typical baseball fan, and I have in fact proposed packaging them in aquariums. But just this once, I have to give a pat on the back to the millions of knuckleheads who have voted for the All-Star rosters. You didn't fuck it up nearly as much as normal.

I relinquished my role as Commissioner of our main fantasy baseball league last season, mainly to spend more time writing here. Not that it's a full-time job or anything, but I think a fantasy Commissioner has some basic responsibilities that need to be met. Get to trade approval in a timely manner, plan a decent draft, and give an appropriate amount of shit to deserving parties on the league news page. As they say in Canadia, that's aboot it.

Our pal Rustoleum has taken the reins, and aside from being a douchebag Yankee fan he's ably filled the spot. Lately, though, he's gone on several tirades about the leaders in fan voting for the All-Star game, specifically the number of Cubs leading at this point. Let's look at what's transpired so far and assess how Joe Fan has done.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

If the voting ended right now, your lineup would look something like this:

1. Ichiro CF
2. Pedroia 2B
3. Ortiz DH
4. ARod 3B
5. Manny Being Manny LF
6. Josh Hamilton RF
7. Yook 1B
8. Mauer C
9. Jeter SS

Big Papi almost certainly won't play in the game, so you'll need to find a replacement. Unfortunately, the DH crop this year blows. Travis Hafner is in the tank, and your next four vote-getters are Godzilla, Thome, Frank Cattalanotto(?) and Sheff. That, my friends, is unsavory. Do you have to pick a real DH for that spot? Couldn't you just take the next most deserving hitter (Milton Bradley, for instance) and DH him?

Aside from the Papi selection (which isn't actually a bad one, he's just hurt), the only other egregious pick is Jeter. He's not having a good year. But you know what? Neither's anyone else, and I have zero problem with giving a legend like the Captain a spot, especially when they're closing down Yankee Stadium after this season.

Rusto bitches about Pedroia at second, and there are some issues with him. He's tailed off after a hot start, and Ian Kinsler has better numbers. But there is nothing wrong with Red Sox fans stuffing the ballot box to get a favorite like Pedroia in there. They're the consensus best team in the AL, the defending World Series champ, and if a club like that gets disproportionate representation so be it. Plus Pedroia's gritty, which appeals to all the folks that think Pete Rose is better than Barry Bonds.

And for all of you aggrieved Kinsler partisans out there, relax--he's still going to make the club. Both he and Pedroia deserve to make it, so why quibble over who's starting? It's only when someone completely undeserving gets in (like we'll address in the National League outfield) that folks should bunch up their panties and yell. The AL voting gets my conditional stamp of approval thus far.

Just one thing: where in the hell are the fans of the Angels? I can understand why no Bay-Rays are going to get voted in, nobody goes to their games. And the underrepresentation of the Tigers and Indians is directly proportional to their shittiness on the field this season. But there's no excuse for Vlad in 4th and Torii Hunter in 11th in outfield voting, and to see Casey Kotchman not even in the top 5 at first is dumb.

Meanwhile, the Rangers faithful are exercising their suffrage masterfully. Set aside the deserving nod for Hamilton, who's having a lights-out campaign. Kinsler and Michael Young are second at their positions, Cattalanotto(?) is fourth at his, and Hank Blalock is in the top five at third base. Never mind that Hank Blalock is no longer a third baseman, and never mind that he's been on the DL since April 29, and never mind that he's not really that good. Stuffing the ballot box is a grand American tradition. Vote early and vote often!

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Now here's where it gets a little dicey. If I were filling out this lineup card, I'd go in this direction (keep in mind that these are starters as of June 3, the most recent release of figures):

1. Hanley Ramirez SS
2. Welcome To The Fukudome CF
3. Chase Utley 2B
4. Lance Berkman 1B
5. Chipper Jones 3B
6. A designated hitter (Pat Burrell?)
7. Ken Griffey Jr. RF
8. Geovany Soto C
9. Alfonso Soriano LF

Soriano won't play, which lets you slide Carlos Lee, Matt Holliday or Burrell into that spot (obviously further up the order). You could also insert a true centerfielder like Nate McLouth to improve your defense (just please don't give it to Carlos Beltran).

It's nice to see fans reward Berkman and Chipper for their great first halves at the expense of fixtures Albert Poo Holes and David Wright. And although Miguel Tejada is exceeding expectations in his first year in the NL, Hanley deserves the nod as the Senior Circuit's finest shortstop.

As for the beef about Soto, he is inferior to Brian McCann and Russ Martin, no doubt. But let's acknowledge the flaw of voting for essentially a quarter of a season--most of the votes that will be cast have already been counted, and Soto had a tremendous start. Plus, there's nothing wrong with rewarding the Cubs for posting baseball's best record. They're going to win the World Series--count on it--so I say fill 'er up.

Just don't do it with Soriano. Vote for Derrek Lee or Aramis Ramirez. Vote for Theriot and DeRosa, who gives a shit? But please don't reward Soriano for being an awful baseball player. He's already making hundreds of millions of dollars, don't throw him this bone.

And then there's Griffey. Like Jeter, he meets my criteria as a certain Hall of Famer--so why do I have such a problem with his inclusion in the starting lineup? It's because he can no longer play baseball at a high level. His bat speed is long gone, he's a serious defensive liability, and watching him makes me sad to be an American. Don't take it personally, Junior, Tim Wakefield does the same thing. To me, casting a token pity vote for Griffey makes a mockery of his great career. At least Ripken could still acquit himself admirably in his twilight, and at least Jeter's current bad year is .279/4/32 in the Triple Crown categories. Compare that to Griff's .249/8/32 at a less demanding defensive position.

OK, all this defense of Derek Jeter has made me feel icky and I need to take a shower. Leave all of your reasonable criticism and witticisms in the comments.