How To Fix Baseball

Editor's Note: The remedies included in this post are not intended to fix everything wrong with the sport of baseball. As you may have heard, the professional version of the game has an issue with economic disparity among its clubs. If you haven't heard, please email The Lone Reader and he will send you a daily customized newsletter detailing the reasons baseball sucks, the excuses for small-market teams losing, and some handy pound cake recipes.

We're also ignoring myriad other problems, such as the tendency for fans to boo when the visiting pitcher throws over to first base more than once during an at-bat. I've never understood this, and it makes me furious. I also hate it when batters call timeout. Get your ass in the box. And, yes, I hate it when Manny (or anyone else) stands around and admires his home runs, especially when they aren't home runs.

No, today we're dealing with three issues. One, Canada sucks. Two, everyone's complaining about maple bats (which come from Canada, by the way) splintering and how someone's going to get killed. And three, this season has seen an alarming number of botched home run calls that have led to numerous pleas for instant replay in baseball. I have elegant solutions for all three.

SOLUTION NO. 1: MOVE THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS TO THE UNITED STATES I don't really care where, but the rumor that the Marlins were headed to Las Vegas if they couldn't get a new stadium was intriguing. Seriously, folks, watch this clip (hat tip: Deadspin)and find one good reason to keep a team in the Great White North:



After the jump, the answer to everything else (which, ironically, was inspired by Canada)...

SOLUTION NO. 2: ERECT A PLEXIGLASS WALL AROUND EVERY BASEBALL FIELD Just like the one that surrounds a hockey rink. And I don't know if that fucker is made of Plexiglass, real glass, acrylic or recycled fetuses from Laos. It's clear, it's ten feet tall, and it keeps fans out and pucks in.

I for one don't understand the recent furor over maple bats. When the wood, which is denser and harder than traditional ash, gained popularity a decade or so ago, it seemed like a solution to breakage issues. Batters bragged about their maple sticks lasting months, as opposed to needing dozens of ash bats to get through a season. Now that maple has become the preferred lumber in The Show, hitters are tweaking their bats more and more, trying to make them lighter with more mass at the barrel. Many speculate that because amateur players grow up on light aluminum bats with thin handles and fat barrels, they try to find wood bats that replicate those qualities.

If you've watched any ball this season, it does seem that bats have been breaking a lot more often than normal. And every once in a while a shard will hit either a fielder, umpire, coach or fan or come darn close. There's a lot of speculation that MLB will mandate a uniform minimum handle thickness to counteract the threat of a projectile someday impaling a child. Like everything else, though, the players' union would have to approve such a rule change.

My opinion is that if you step on a ballfield and collect a check, you assume a risk of getting drilled, whether it's by a batted ball or a sliver of maple. Fans in the stands do as well (read the back of your ticket sometime), but it is reasonable to offer paying customers down the foul lines some protection from flying lumber. So put up the hockey boards.

But this will cut down on the number of foul balls collected by fans in the front row, you say. To this I have one word: Good. Actually, I have seven more words: Fuck The Fans In The Front Row. I'm sick of you douchebags and your juvenile shenanigans. I'm sick of you reaching onto the field of play to grab baseballs. I'm sick of you falling onto the tarp and spilling beer and nachos everywhere. I'm sick of you begging the ball girls, the outfielders, the base coaches, to toss you a ball you didn't deserve. If you want a ball at game, you have four options:

1. Buy one.
2. Get lucky as shit and catch a pop foul.
3. Show up early for BP and wait in the bleachers.
4. Attend a Marlins game, where foul balls sit in the empty stands for hours before ushers and janitors throw them away.

Yes, I'm a little bitter, because I've neither sat in the front row nor snagged a foul ball in my lifetime. I've come real close but never sealed the deal. So you assholes that do both on a regular basis can eat the corn out of my shit. I hate that it's not enough for you to have the best seat in the house, you need to affect my enjoyment of the game by interfering with it and pestering on-field personnel. Now I'm supposed to be concerned about you taking a wooden spear to the temple. Fuck you. Get behind the glass.

I needn't tell Cubs fans what this proposal might have meant to your team's fortunes back in 2003. And if Jeter tried to dive into the stands again, he'd look like a bug on a windshield. What could possibly be wrong with eliminating the chance a fan could interfere with a game?

Beyond clearing up the foul lines, you could run the glass all around the outfield as well. Too many new parks have infinite artificial zig-zags and jogs in the outfield, arbitrarily painted yellow lines differentiating a homer from a ball in play. That weirdness, more than umpire incompetence, is what causes a majority of the botched calls that have fans clamoring for replay. Erect the glass, and the ground rules are simple: over the glass is a home run. Off the glass and back onto the field of play--get on your horse and run, Manny.

This has nothing to do with anything, but you could also give ushers Tasers and the authority to nail fans who yap on their cellphones behind home plate and wave at the camera. I doubt the players' union would have any objection to that.