Nobody Undersells The King!
Then he followed with a metric tonne of self-satisfied offal. Read on, MacSitOnYourDuffs...
"Of course, when you're thinking about this year's Super Bowl pick, the first thing that goes through your mind is, "Can I please pick two AFC teams?'' Face it: The best three teams in football right now -- and this cannot be debated -- are New England, Indianapolis and San Diego, in some order. Who's fourth? I don't know. Maybe the Saints. Maybe Baltimore, Denver, Chicago."
Whattya mean, this cannot be debated? What the fuck good is something like your column--indeed, sport itself--if it can't be debated? You issue the decree, vetted by your canape-snorting brethren, and that's it? Bullhockey, Mr. King. Bull. Hockey.
And this little bit of virtual fellatio...
"The Patriots, quite simply, have had the best offseason of any team in the free-agency era since the Packers stole Reggie White in 1993 and he became the best recruiter in the NFL. Even if Randy Moss is cut before the first game, the New England offense is dramatically better because Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth give the Pats the kind of talent at receiver they've never had in the Belichick Era."
Sorry, but does anyone else remember the Redskins of the late '90s? When they were collecting Deion and Carrier and whoever the fuck else? Back then, drunk on The Snyde's new car smell, guys like King ate that shite on toast with baked beans. They're doing it again now. If Wes Welker had gone to any other team in the league, would you have read a solitary word about it?
Finally...
You did the right thing, Billy Donovan. You were taking the job in Orlando for the money, regardless of how you tried to convince yourself otherwise, but there will always be money for people as talented as you.
Hey, Pete...hold up. Here. Wipe that off, man. Your wife doesn't believe you anymore. She doesn't believe anything anymore.
And for Christ's sake, fasten up your belt.
13 comments:
Are you honestly comparing today's Patriots to the 90s Redskins?
Ummm ... you ARE aware that the Patriots have won a few rings recently. In fact, they're the closest thing possible to a dynasty during the salary cap era. Their offseason and draft moves over the past 10 seasons have set a precedent for managment in the modern NFL. I almost never agree with their moves, and they almost always work. I think it's time to admit that they may know what they're doing.
King is certainly justified in his claim regarding their offseason. I am shocked by their ability to address the need at WR. Unfortunatley for them, the Jets are gonna take 'em down. J-E-T-S ... Jets, Jets, Jets.
- The Lone Reader
P.S. I can't fuckin' stand the goddamn Pats.
P.P.S. The NHL blew an opportunity to set a precedent in a "highly" covered game yesterday,
Pronger should have been playing and Neil suspended. This was the league's grand chance to penalize intent over injury, and they couldn't do it. It is this kind of mismanagement that will cost them fans, and keep them a secon-tier league forever.
'07 Patriots = 90's Redskins? This is truly the best comedy-based blog on the interwebs.
Go Broncos. Maybe #4!!! Count it!
No comparison with the organizations, you fools. Learn how to read for content. I know getting hit in the face with hockey pucks (and in Waveland's case, massive doses of sperm) makes it tough, but let me walk you through it:
I was addressing King's assertion that the Pats "had the best offseason since Reggie White and the '93 Patriots, blah blah." Not comparing the Patriots' organization to the Redskins'.
If you had been paying attention and not, say, rubbing one out onto the pages of Older & Bolder, you would remember the 'Skins yearly bring-in of the biggest names in free agency: Deion, Mark Carrier, Fred Smoot, Bruce Smith, etc etc etc.
And every year they did so, King and his boys would wet themselves in anticipation. At one point, he even exhorted fantasy team owners to pick up Danny Wuerffel, because those 'Skins were gonna score some points.
That was my point. And in closing: if you think the Patriots are the winners of this year's offseason derby based on Adalius Thomas (good pickup) and the collective wideoutery of Welker, Stallworth and Kelley Washington (Moss hasn't played in years, so need to mention him), you have been sipping the same cup of Belichickian man-fluid as King.
Excelsior, bitches.
Listen, LR: I must continue to respectfully disagree with your every NHL post-season assertion. Pronger is a repeat offender. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that even if something looks close, you nail 'em.
You make the guilty party and his entire team suffer. The league is trying to do what they can in the sticky violence/fighting debate that simply is obnoxious and will not go away. Therefore, you let fighting continue to occur, but you penalize shots to the head, especially when the victim (his own fault albeit) has his head down, and the assailant is, as I mentioned, a repeat offender.
Had you watched any hockey prior to your northern relocation, you'd be well aware that Pronger has been a mean bastard his entire career. Don't get me wrong. I love to watch him play. He's a whiny crybaby who also happens to be a bad-ass motherfucking defenseman.
The NHL, second-tier as it may be, can only do so much. The public isn't interested in seeing it rise to the level of the NBA, NFL, or even MLB. So they must deal with the small market that they have.
Bottom line in that market is this: shots to the head, whether they are intentional or not, whether they cause injury or not, end fucking careers. Period.
I can't tell you how many press conferences (or blips of) I've watched where I guy is hanging up the skates a good eight years early because he's had a history of concussions and some massive Canadian buffoon drilled him in the noggin in the corner.
I posit that this is no different than the NFL's efforts to protect the quarterback. It's not fair to blindside a sitting duck at full speed. That eliminates athletes from competition.
And that's why we watch the games. To see these guys compete, not lie motionless on the grass on opening day for 11 solid minutes.
Jesus Christ. Take it easy.
Point duly noted you complete spaz, the Pats could certainly flop in the wake of their moves like so many Snyder teams before them, but not bloody likely. But that's not the point. There is no way you can look at what the Patsies have done this off-season with anything but respect and applause.
Adalius Thomas alone is a tremendous pickup and worthy of high praise.
Then there's the WRs. Are you high? Where do you get it? My Denver connection quit smoking yesterday. He's a pussy. Anyway, "no need to mention Moss!!!!???" Actually nevermind, I don't think I can handle those kind of drugs.
Stallworth did wonders for a Philly passing game that isn't quarterbacked by Tom Brady. Wes Welker is sure to be a solid over-the-middle pass catcher keeping linebackers honest.
New England's most glaring, and possibly, only flaw over the last couple-three years has been a lack of productivity at wide-out, so how can adding three veterans at the position be anything but a significant upgrade?
BTW: Scoreboard Motherfunction!
Add BTW-Hockey sucks
Waveland -- I couldn't agree more. Well said on all accounts. High praise indeed. Except for that last little one-line nugget you let fall out of your bowl.
If hockey sucks, what exactly do you call that activity you engage in where Kobe's nutsack collects dust mites while resting on your lower lip's flavor saver?
Easy, Waves. Wes Welker was the number one receiver on a team with no effin' wideouts (Chris Chambers apparenly having taken last year off). So of course he caught a lotta balls in Miami...and two whole touchdowns!
Does that make him worth two draft picks? That's what they gave up, one a second-rounder. I guarantee, any other team in the league makes that trade, they get ripped like a co-ed in a slasher movie. But the Pats did it...so it must be genius. Backwards logic.
Stallworth, I grant you, is a good player. That's a fine signing. He and Thomas alone make a fine offseason for the Pats, never said they didn't have one.
But dude, wake up and smell the Moss-coffee.
When was the last time you saw him look like the formerly terrifying Viking longball specialist? In...three years? I don't buy the "oh, he'll play now that he's on a winner" bullshit.
His calling card had always been: didn't matter who threw it to him, he went up and got it. You or I could have stood in at QB for some of those Vikes squads. (Jeff George? Come on now.) That's gone now. Say what you like about Aaron Brooks and Walter, and they both suck, but both of 'em can wing it. And more often than not, they were winging it to a guy that clearly couldn't do what he used to.
Let's give the Pats credit where it's due, but let's also not make them Football Lourdes. If a guy loses a step--which he clearly has--just having a locker next to Captain Impregnator isn't gonna return it.
Oh, and you are correct, Wavy: you can't handle the Denver TROOF.
Stick with the Arvadan schwag.
Oh, and if my team can, I dunno, not totally suck this week, you're history, pal. His. Story.
Is Older & Bolder a good website? I'm looking for a new one.
True story: went out to the dumpster in the alley to dispose of some waste, and someone had thrown away about 20 copies of that very mag.
I looked around for Zach, but he must have had his wheeled sneakers on.
And by dispose of some waste, he means swill from his morning flask and roast a couple one-hitters.
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