Everyone's Favorite Storyline

A week or so ago, I dared to compare the current tulip frenzy over the Patriots' offseason maneuvering to the spending binges of the early-aught Redskins. To my surprise, the several permanent members of HoGNation rose up in indignation. Pshaw, said they; no matter what anyone thinks of Belichick or his team, their recent successes dictate that we must merely stand up and applaud no matter what they do.

Well, that's just so much horseshit. I'll admit the Redskins were maybe not the best comparison simply because those teams didn't see *any* real regular season success, but I stand by the rest of my analysis. The Pats made one great acquisition (Adalius Thomas, who simply killed my CSU Rams years ago in the 2000 Liberty Bowl), one very good one (Donte Stallworth, who will give Brady his first true deep threat) and a few mildly interesting ones (Wes Welker, Kelley Washington and Randy Moss).

I lump Randay in the "mildly interesting" category because, no matter what anyone says about the healing power of Tom Brady's schlong, he just isn't the player he used to be. Everyone's excited about him in the slot, they say. Huh. Yeah. Randy really loves going over the middle. Even when he was with the Vikes he didn't go over the middle.

So all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that, just because he moved from a hopeless situation to a winner, he's going to be Moss circa '98?

Hardly. Lest we forget, Randy played on winners. His '98 team went 15-1 and got canned by a vastly inferior Falcons squad. He went to the NFC Championship game again a few years later and showed such heart that his team, which needed a huge game from him on the road, lost 41-0.

Randy is a front-runner without any killer instinct. He's the football version of "Mr. May." (Sorry for including you in this, Mr. Winfield, I still think you were great). I can see him outjumping some Buffalo Bills for touchdowns early in the season, getting the hilariously excitable Boston media afroth...and then disappearing right when he's needed, aka the playoffs.

What brought my bile up? Today's column by--you guessed it--Peter King, which breathlessly detailed the way New England would send its bevy of wideouts flying past befuddled secondaries, all of which will, apparently, be staffed by TecMo Bowl robots playing base defenses. The site actually changed the initial headline, which was something along the lines of "Patriots will Be Impossible to Stop" to "hard to stop," perhaps realizing that they shouldn't let copy editors indulge in the same variety of man-love homerism that King claims as his specialty.

This is why real football fans despise this part of the offseason: because everyone looks like an All-Pro without pads on. Every catch is proof that someone is the perfect fit, every catch of a breath proof that someone is a bust.

I'm not saying the Pats won't be good. Clearly they will be, barring massive unforeseen setbacks (which never, ever, ever happen), but come the fuck on. Can we get some reportage on a team west of the Ohio?