Rockies/Cubs GameBlog 6-25-07

Bill Simmons calls it a Running Diary, some call it live-blogging, I call it "The Wife's at work, the Red Sox are on late and I already jerked off." Let's see how it goes.

PREGAME Through the magic of satellite television, I was able to watch the Rockies' pregame show even though the Extra Innings broadcast is the Cubs' feed. I've been meaning to say it for a while, the Rockies' studio crew is fucking out of control. They act as if they're covering the best team in baseball history. Every win is a precursor to the World Series, and every loss an abomination of bad umpiring. Guys. Settle down. You're having a nice season, and the playoffs are certainly within reach, but with every outlandish statement you only hurt your credibility with actual baseball fans.

Case in point: Host Tim Ring claims that in the last two months Jeff Francis has been the most dominant pitcher in baseball. I'd have to do a little research, but this is certainly not true. Then sidekick Jeff Huson asserted that Francis is among the best lefthanders in baseball. Now this is open ended, but I could list at least a dozen better. Francis is a very good pitcher, and he's been putting the Rockies in a position to win every single night, but come on.

Let's play some ball, shall we?

1ST INNING The wind is blowing out at Wrigley Field, so we can expect some offensive fireworks. Bob Brenly is the color man, working with some nondescript play-by-play guy on Comcast. Brenly is a joke. Mark Grace should have this job, or at the very least it should still be in the hands of Steve Stone.

The Rockies' lineup really is impressive. The middle four of Holliday, Helton, Atkins and Hawpe is particularly nasty, especially now that Atkins is seeing and squaring up on the ball. Even though they were nearly no-hit yesterday and swept in Toronto, this young club can really swing it.

After Taveras strikes out, Matsui singles and steals second on Rob Bowen, the new catcher acquired in the Barrett deal. Holliday singles and Helton walks, meaning the three Rox on my fantasy team have reached. Atkins immediately grounds into a double play to end the inning.

In the Cubs half, Soriano leads off and flies out. Fontenot legs out an infield hit/Kaz Matsui error (I never noticed what the official scorer decided) but is picked off first in short order. Then, with two outs, the Cubs sequence goes single, single, single to score Lee, three-run homer off the bat of Angel Pagan. All off of Jeff Francis, the most dominant pitcher in baseball and the best lefthander in the history of the sport. Bowen whiffed to end the inning. Cubs 4, Rockies 1.

2ND INNING In the top half, Jason Marquis reaches his 1000th inning pitched in the bigs. Congratulations. Just for kicks I looked up his career stats, which yielded a 61-56 record, 4.44 ERA and 602 strikeouts. For that he got a three-year, $21 million contract. His lifetime numbers are similar to Ted Lilly, Gil Meche, Jake Westbrook and Joel Piniero, who signed for a combined $120 million last winter. If you think I'm not making my kid pitch until his arm falls off you're nuts.

The Cubs went 1-2-3 in the bottom half, so let's examine the uniforms. The Cubs wear the classic white pinstripes. I'm glad they put names back on. Look, some jerseys can pull off the no-name look, such as the Yankees and the Red Sox home threads. But when teams artificially take the names off, like the Cubs or the Dodgers a couple years back, it feels fake. Anyway, the Rockies are, as always, among the worst-dressed teams in baseball. Their latest disaster is the black vests over black t-shirts. Guh. At least they don't have a giant purple dinosaur as a mascot. Still 4-1 home team.

3RD INNING Now we're settling into a groove, and Francis actually does look like Walter Johnson--Jeff Huson, I stand corrected. We now have the Cubs' directer of public something blathering about his promotion to let average Joes sing during the seventh inning stretch. This is brutal, and I'm going to walk the dog and drink beer out of paper bag. It actually works great, as I can consume an open container of alcohol in public and pick up the inevitable shit. My neighbors love me.

4TH INNING Somehow it's 5-1, and through the magic of TiVo I discover that it was a result of a DeRosa groundout. I know you've heard it a million times, but TiVo really is the greatest. If you consider yourself a sports fan, you have to have it, along with HD, widescreen, hi-speed Interwebs, XM radio, and the football, baseball and SportsPak packages on DirecTV. It's only money, you sissies. If you're relying on ESPN to filter and deliver your sports information you are behind the times, my friend. It's an on-demand world.

The AFLAC trivia question is: Who was the first Rockie to win a major postseason award? Easy, Larry Walker in '97, MVP. Now give me my money. If you were wondering how the dog's shit went, it was a little runny for the paper bag. Luckily today was trash day and I could get the mess off my hands in a hurry, then wipe off with a diaper from the gutter. These are the things you do if you love your pets.

The AFLAC trivia answer is: Don Baylor? '95 Manager of the Year? That's fucked. Manager of the Year is a ridiculous award. All it means is you took a team none of the writers thought was any good to the playoffs. That, to me, is indicative of the fact that the writers don't know what they're talking about. And we hand out an award for that? I'm just bitter because I only hit that AFLAC trivia question once a year, and I thought I nailed that one. Fuck the duck.

5TH INNING In the midst of Marquis mowing down the Rox 1-2-3, Kaz Matsui strikes out. Have you ever looked at his stats from Japan? They're amazing, when you consider what he's done in MLB. His last five years with Seibu, his averages were .330-.322-.308-.332-.305 and his home runs 15-23-24-36-33 (he's hit fifteen total in five years stateside). I'll go ahead and start the rumor that Matsui was on the Japanese BALCO, just for fun.

He also eats lightning and shits thunder.

That Southwest Airlines commercial where the guy throws a cinder block at the window of a car that's not his is in the Commercial Hall Of Fame. I don't care if the director was on steroids or it was made using CGI. Hall of Fame.

DeRosa delivers another RBI on a groundout, and Walter Johnson has yielded six runs to the Cubs. I'm sure FSR will say that home plate umpire Ron Kulpa was squeezing him.

6TH INNING Todd Helton skies a ball to left, a routine fly that Soriano nearly turns into a triple. I don't care what anyone says, Soriano is a horrible defensive ballplayer at any position. He's also a hot-dogging dick who puts his teammates at risk with his post-HR shenanigans. And he's overpaid by about $50 million. Other than that, great guy.

The Rockies load the bases with a Torrealba single, and Atkins is held at third. The Cubs' play-by-play guy trumpets Soriano's laser rocket arm as the reason, and goes on and on about Alfonso's outfield assists from the last couple years. This is a bullshit stat. Manny Ramirez is always among the AL leaders in outfield assists, but that's only because everyone thinks he's the worst defensive leftfielder in the game and runs on him. Ditto with Soriano. He does have a gun, but he's still lousy. Ryan Spilborghs singles home a couple runs, and we've got a ball game. Lou brings in Wuertz to pitch, and he induces a ground ball to stop the bleeding. 6-3 home team.

7TH INNING The Red Sox game just started, and I'm in a pickle. No worries, as I go to the Game Mix channel--eight contests at once. I can see Cubs-Rockies (lefty Tom Marten takes the mound for the Rox) and the first pitch of Boston-Seattle. As a bonus, the audio is none other than Vin Scully, calling the Dodgers-D'Bags game. The contrast to Brenly and this other a-hole is stunning.

The downside to my viewing strategy, of course, is that I miss almost everything that goes on in the game I'm live-blogging. Marten just balked Theriot to second, and now the Cubs' baserunner is on third following a grounder to short. I can't even remember the last time I saw a balk. It's like the Loch Ness Monster--I've heard of it, and I've seen grainy evidence, but I'm not sure it actually exists. Fontenot singles in Theriot to make it 7-3, and we're reminded for the fortieth time that Fontenot, Theriot and Hawpe all played on LSU's College World Series championship team a few years back. I get it.

By the way, congrats to Oregon state for defending their Omaha title. If I knew a single person that matriculated at OSU I'd call 'em up, but I don't.

Our Red Tank Top count for the night sits at seven, but that number may be inaccurate. There's a smokin' hot brunette sitting about five rows back in Section 25 that shows up every time a lefthander bats. Just to refresh, the Legend of the Red Tank Top was born in the bleachers of Coors Field on blazing-hot summer day, during one of these Rockies-Cubs games. Sitting three rows in front of us were a couple of stacked young ladies wearing, well, you can guess. We were drunk, and their boyfriends were not happy, but hey, 2 on 25 is not good odds. They took it like Bobby Knight would have wanted. Cubs broadcasts are well-known for their gratuitous Hot Chick shots. Arne Harris has no shame whatsoever.

Back to the action, the Rockies have something cooking here. Back-to-back walks by Wuertz have chased him and brought Scott Eyre into the fracas to face Hawpe. Eyre sits him down with a 3-2 fastball and there goes the rally.

Our Seventh Inning Stretch brings us "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" sung by, guh, Patrick Kane. He's the No. 1 pick of the NHL Draft by the Chicago Blackhawks. Naturally, he botches the lyrics, and if I were President this would be the last straw. We're pulling the military out of the Middle East and invading Canada.

Afterward, they interview this jackass, who turns out to be just as big an idiot as every other 18-year-old millionaire you've ever seen. They showed his ceremonial first pitch, where he shook off the catcher and sailed a throw wide, all while wearing Lindros' 88. By the way, it turns out the kid's from Buffalo, but I don't care. We're still going to war.

8TH INNING Sorry about the delay, asshole, but my stolen wireless Web-coms from across the street took a hiatus. The eighth was uneventful, so let me disclose that Craig Biggio took a seat tonight. Biggio is four hits shy of 3,000, and he'll almost certainly ride the pine until his team returns home from Milwaukee. Bullshit. Craig Biggio is now out of my Hall Of Fame. Fontenot doubles in Theriot ("Did you know they were college teammates, Bob?"), 8-3 Cubs.

TOP OF THE 9TH Scott Eyre came in to a jam in the seventh, then cruised through the eighth. Brenly and The A-Hole have been yipping about how important this game is for Eyre, who's been a gas can of late. Lou leaves him in to close it out, and here's how it goes:

Matsui single. Holliday walk. Helton double, Matsui scores. Howry in for Eyre. Atkins singles, Holliday scores. Hawpe singles, Helton scores. Tulowitzki homers, Atkins and Hawpe score. The Rockies lead 9-8, and the Cubs have yet to record an out. Howry eventually extracts himself, but I'm leery of these developments. It was only Friday that Tulowitzki homered in the top of the 10th in Toronto to give the Rockies an 8-6 lead, only to see the Rox blow it in the bottom.

BOTTOM OF THE 9TH Brian Fuentes comes in for Colorado, essentially negating Lou's lefthanded bench power (Cliff Floyd, etc.). DeRosa leads off with a bloop single, and Pie runs for him. Pagan whiffs, Bowen grounds into a fielder's choice, and then Koye Hill laces a long single into left. The outfield basically had ivy up their asses, and Holliday cut the ball off and held Bowen the catcher at second. With two outs, Theriot's grounder is booted by Matsui, and the bases are loaded with two outs for Soriano.

First pitch, single to center. Jacque Jones, running for Bowen, and Hill score, and the Cubs win! Cubs win! What a game. I seriously thought I'd picked the worst game of the year to live-blog, and it turned out to be one of the best. Tough luck for the Rockies, who've now lost four in a row after sweeping the Yankees.