Baseball In The Daytime: 7-10-08

There's generally at least one game on any given Thursday that gets the motor of diehard baseball fans running. No such luck today. Try as I might, I can't find a single reason to watch any of these dogs. Go to the lake, go watch a movie, go do anything but watch baseball today. You hear me? Beat it!

You're still here. It's in your blood, kid. You're a junkie. Well then, if you insist on watching one of these clunkers, let's figure out exactly which one it'll be, shall we? As always, these are genuine Major League Baseball games served hot and fresh with no garnish. Please use responsibly.

Minnesota @ Detroit, 11:05 Mountain Fresh off a sweep at the hands of the Red Sox, the Twins limp into the Motor City to try and keep their dreams alive. Pitching for the visitors today will be Kevin Slowey, who actually throws fastey, while the home team counters with Kenny Rogers, who is truly slowey.

St. Louis @ Philadelphia, 11:05 Once their division rivals made big moves for starting pitchers this week, the Cards had to do something. Something to show the world they mean business and will not stand idly by while Milwaukee and Chicago hog all the glory. So last night they sent to the mound their secret weapon: Don't Forget Mark Mulder. Mulder's had a bum shoulder all season, so he returned to give the Cardinals a big boost and...he reaggravated his shoulder and could not finish the first inning. Thanks for attending, folks, please retrieve your belongings from coat check and tip your servers and bartenders. Today Braden Looper tries to keep it together opposite the Phillies' ageless Jamie Moyer.

San Francisco @ NY Mets, 11:10 There was once quite a long stretch of time when Barry Zito was a prime target for the Mets, either via trade with his A's or as a free agent. Neither scenario was realized, a fact that makes Mets fans more smug than they are naturally. Don't get too cocky--just remember Scott Kazmir. Today Zito brings his Giants to Shea against John Maine.

Colorado @ Milwaukee, 12:05 This one's a swing-state showdown. Current polls show John McCain up two points in Colorado, while Barack Obama holds a current eight-point lead in the Badger State. Get ready for a slew of advertisements this fall, Rockies and Brewers fans. Compared with those, the telecast of Jorge De La Rosa and Dave Bush today might seem appealing.

Cincinnati @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 The Reds are at Wrigley this afternoon, on grass. The last time I was at Wrigley I was only on beer, maybe a little paint fumes. On the bump are starting pitchers Bronson Arroyo, named for Charles, and Ted Lilly, named for the failed United discount airline spinoff. I can't say that I've ever seen a Charles Bronson movie, unless he was in the Dirty Dozen. Then I have.

Seattle @ Oakland, 1:35 Finally and mercifully bringing today's schedule to a close are the Mariners and Athletics. Probable pitchers are R.A. Dickey and Greg Smith, and lemonade will be available if it gets hot. Play Ball!