Baseball in the Gay Time: A.J. Pierzynski Continues Reign As Prince of Doucheville

I was pretty fired up during Sunday's match between the Sox of White and the hometeamn town Kansas City Royals. For a division rival that typically has my team's number (Editor's Note: Please. Take a moment to think up your own what-team-doesn't-typically-have-the-Royals-number joke. Got it? Good.), I actually have liked the Sox on occasion since I was a kid. I rooted for them in '05, and well, whatever. I haven't really cared for them much since, though. I think at one point, I even stood up for A.J. Pierzynksi in some random message board discussion. But then he developed a beef with Zack Greinke, and the two have almost gotten after it in the last year and-a-half. Now? The bleach-blond sac's address and cell phone number, just after the jump.

What? You didn't really fall for that, did you? Either way, one thing that's been overlooked about this anti-climactic bench clearer, was that Pierzynski was, on tape of course, issuing weird sequences of signs in directions indicating high and inside just before D.J. Carrasco threw at Miguel Olivo for the third, consecutive pitch, the one that hit him. Olivo charges, but settles down like he's got a 90-second round's worth of time, and finds himself contained by GayJay Pierzynski. The great part was that he winded up punching the catcher on the skulltop, but things were not done. A few minutes later, Carrasco, Olivo, and the totally sane Ozzie Guillen having been ejected, Greinke plunks Nick Swisher on the thigh, and Greinke and Trey Hillman are tossed. I get why. There were warnings, etc., but I still say bullshit.

So the league decides to levy the punishments today: Greinke and Olivo get five games; Guillen gets two and a fine; Hillman gets one and a fine; and Carrasco and Pierzynski get nothing.

Golden.

And pay no attention to Slick Ozzie lending us a bit of his secret recipe for acting like an ass. Of course the suspended Royals are appealing the suspensions, allowing them to remain on the active roster for the time being, but that's just swimmingly awesome. Take our first-in-the-rotation starter, our backup catcher, and toss them for a cinco. May you slip on a McDonald's bag, and sever an artery, Bud Selig.
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Baseball In The Daytime: 7-13-07

It is outstanding to be back on the day baseball beat. Although there's only one game on this abbreviated Friday schedule, that one game is vitally important to my weekend. You see, I'm skeedaddling out of work at noon for two days of fishing, and listening to that Cubs-Astros game will get me all the way to a nice cabin nestled next to a mountain lake.

I'll be listening to XM 186 at 12:20 Mountain, as Jason Jennings takes on Carlos Zambrano. If you have the Extra Innings package on DirecTV you can also tune in to channel 734. The Cubs have amazingly crawled to within 4 1/2 of the Brewers, and are hoping that Big Z can continue his recent witchcraft (5-2, 1.75 ERA since June 6). You needn't worry about the Astros, they're a game and a half back of the Pirates and in fifth place.

I would like to note that in the wake of Julio Franco's dismissal by the Mets I hope the Rockies sign him. You just can't go wrong with Julio Franco. Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 6-22-07

You ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do.

BITD on a Friday is a rare treat and is generally only available when the Cubs host a weekend series. Today on the South Side of Chicago, however, the Cubs will play on a Friday afternoon in road grays. Their opponent? The rival White Sox, in what has become a delicious crosstown war.

Once was the time when Cub fans overwhelmed their White Sox counterparts. The Baby Bears have always been the more fashionable team, with the cooler ballpark in the cooler neighborhood, and the blue-collar Pale Hose got the short end of every stick (especially newspaper coverage, as the Trib owned the Cubs). But two autumns ago the Americans won it all and awakened a sleeping giant in the Windy City. Now it is Sox fans that swagger into Wrigley and act like they own the place. For an outside observer, it's lot of fun.

Neither team has much to get excited about this season. After a brief period in which the Cubs came together and Milwaukee stumbled, the Brewers are back firing on all cylinders. While Lou's dudes are by no means out of the race--we are, after all, talking about the Brewers here--their flaws look congenital once again.

I got to thinking this morning about the White Sox, once again assuming that their superior talent and especially rotation would get them going at some point. Looking at the facts, though, I realized that I've been smoking the rock. The White Sox have deteriorated right before our eyes. The lineup is full of holes, and the rotation is so much shittier than the Indians' and Tigers' it's not even worth discussing. They're lucky to be 11 1/2 out.

With that kind of intro, I'm sure you're fired up to catch this game. It drops at 2:05 Mountain on XM 181 and two DirecTV Extra Innings channels: 734 for the old TVs and 731 for the shiny high defs. No word on a WGN broadcast, but I always kind of hope for The Hawk ("He gone.") to put it on the board, yes. If he's not around I'll just listen to Ron and Pat.

Your starters today are Carlos Zambrano and Mark Buehrle, both of whom could be pitching elsewhere in a month. These guys both have ace stuff but flaky focus, and both have pretty much evolved into grinders instead of virtuoso practitioners of the pitching arts.

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Baseball In The Daytime: 6-15-07

Since the Chicago Cubs play more day games than any other team, they're featured in BITD at a disproportionate rate. Don't bitch about any Windy City bias, these are just the facts. We also are, at some level, the world's crappiest Cubs blog, as Cecil's a lifelong disciple.

The Cubs sit at 5 games below .500 and 5 1/2 out of first in the NL Central. These are by no means dire straits on the North Side, as Milwaukee isn't blowing anybody away and the rest of the division is seriously suspect. Chicago is one hot streak away from putting this season in gear.

So what's missing? With this payroll, this manager and these expectations, the Cubs are yet again underperforming this summer. Sure, since Lou's meltdown and the dugout brawl they've played much better, and even Big Z is pitching well now--perhaps Barrett was the problem.

It all makes me wonder where the leadership is on this team. They brought in Piniella, and it's certainly his team, but I haven't seen a true field leader at Wrigley in years. Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez have enough track record in Chicago to have demonstrated that neither is enough of a general to help the team in anything other than their play on the field. Soriano and Zambrano are incredibly talented, but both suffer from petulant immaturity. Barrett is a poor man's A.J. Pierzynski, a polarizing pest at a position where you want a steady vet. There's no Jeter, no Varitek, no Sean Casey or Orlando Cabrera or Mark Freaking Grace to settle this team down through the torturously long grind of the season.

Today's installment in that grind is a game against the Padres, and the Cubs send Ted Lilly to the mound opposite San Diego's B.F. David Wells. This 12:20 Mountain event will be broadcast nationally on WGN, and on the XM Radio channel 186.

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Baseball In The Daytime: 6-6-07

Another day, another selection of ball games on the major league menu. Today's selections feature smoked Marlin and fried, beer-battered Cubby Bear.

At 11 Mountain, we get the second consecutive day game between Florida and Atlanta at the Ted. Your starters are Scott Olsen for the Fish and Kyle Davies for the Warriors. Tune in to the same bat-channels as yesterday, XM 183 and DTV 734, for this National League East showdown. Yesterday, as per my instructions, Sergio Mitre took the loss and maintained my slim fantasy lead over that asshole that keeps talking shit in the Comments section.

Then at noon we play catch at the intersection of Waveland and Sheffield Avenues. After building a miniature winning streak under Alan Trammell, the Cubs reverted to their Piniellaesque ways and dropped their game with the Brewers last night. Today's game sees the two teams brawling again, at noon on XM 186 and DTV 735. Perhaps "brawling" is not the best verb for that previous sentence, as today's starting pitcher is that noted pugilist Carlos Zambrano. He'll take his fastball, bad attitude and left jab to the mound today opposite Jeff Suppan. I haven't seen a lineup card yet, but there's a pretty good chance that Michael Barrett will be viewing this game from somewhere other than his typical perch behind home plate.

Over in the Americans, the Twins (Slowey) and the Angels (Lackey) face off in a matchup of unfortunately named starting pitchers. You can find this game at 1:35 on XM 179 and DTV 736. Finally, the Orioles (Cabrera) and Mariners (Washburn) renew acquaintances at 2:35 on XM 178 and DTV 737. Expect the O's to build a healthy lead, only to piss it away with their shitty fucking bullpen. Enjoy your meal, and remember that your bill includes a 20 per cent gratuity.

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Baseball In The Daytime: Pulling A Head Out Of An Ass

If you pay attention to both weekday baseball and this blog, you may have noticed that I've botched my one and only permanent assignment. Not just last Friday, but today as well.

Just to recap, the Cubs were home for a weekend series, which means their Friday game took place under natural light on the North Side. It was a fairly uneventful contest, other than the home team's starting pitcher and catcher getting into multiple fistfights with each other and their manager beginning a rapid slide to madness. Jesus. Not a game to whiff on.

Then today, we had the Giants and Phillies locking horns in the City of Brotherly Fuck You. At press time the G-Men were handing it to their hosts 8-1 behind an actual decent start by Barry Zito. There's also a game unfolding at Tropicana Field in Tampa, where the D'Rays lead the Royals 2-0 in the bottom of the third frame. Things are getting Meche-y down there, methinks.

I totally promise to make up for my boo-boos over the next three days, by both hammering the day baseball beat and laying off the festering pile of dung that is the NBA. Cheers!

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Managers Gone Wild

Some people have given up on baseball entirely. Those people we like to call "communists."

Fact is, baseball only stopped being awesome for a few years in the ('20s, late '80s '90s, early '00s) when every utility second baseman was hitting 35 homers and .345. Now, utility second basemen are back to being unappreciated, sub-Mendoza scrubs and all is right in the horsehide multiverse.

Proof? Here you go: the two greatest manager tirades of the last few years--with one notable exception--happened today.

The gag isn't that the managers (Lou Piniella, whom Ol' No. 7 and I once drunkenly harassed following a three-hour rainout to no visible effect, and some portly gent from Double A) made a scene in the first place; everyone remotely familiar with the sport knows baseball managers do that for various reasons, usually to light the proverbial fire beneath an underachieving squad's collective keisters. That wasn't it at all.

It's the fact that the umps let it go on for as long as they did in each case, clearing the way for managerial pyrotechnics. They were also sending the unmistakable signal that they, too, knew what was going to happen and gave it their tacit blessing--to be followed, of course, by an ejection, but still. Even umps know that sometimes the skipper's just gotta go fucking moonbat.

Piniella's was good, no lie. Lotsa pointed dirt kicking, a face-to-face dance with Blue. It was almost like chess. And then Bruce Froemming waddled into the picture, grabbed Sweet Lou's arm, and for a second you thought it was Pine Tar George redux. Quality, friends. Quality.

But the dude in the minors, who looks kinda like a thyroidal Cal Ripken--man, that was awesome. Not only did he mound up dirt on home plate, but he took the time to cut fucking base-shaped edges in the dirt. (Very "Close Encounters of the Third Kind.") He threw a base, then crawled in from the outfield on his belly like a Navy SEAL and lobbed the rosin bag homeward with a Dutch Leonard-style knuckler. I didn't see him chuck any bats, but even so, that was legend.

You just can't get that confluence of tradition, self-absorbed petulance and showmanship in any other sport. Long live Major (and Minor) League Baseball. Read more

Nobody Likes Me

Sports fans, these are tough times. The landscape of jockhood is littered with stories about assholes, pricks and outright salad-tossers. Read any sports page or catch any talk radio broadcast in America today, and you get nothing but whining bullshit by and about some of the most unlikeable athletes imaginable.

The Rapist wants out of L.A. Actually, no he does not. Which is it? Paper or plastic? I'm the wrong guy to ask, as I follow not the NBA, but Kobe is a great player, not a great guy. Yes, that's an earthshattering revelation.

Ron Mexico is inching ever closer to a criminal indictment, and in the big house he can wager on fights between blind inmates. If you're a Falcons fan this is a big deal. For those of us who don't fondle our first cousins, Mex was on the precipice of marginal status anyway.

San Francisco Outfielder (longtime fantasy baseball owners will get that one) is closing in on Hammerin' Henry. Bud Selig may attend, Barry may donate some paraphernalia to Cooperstown, and everyone wishes we could just get this sad episode behind us.

Our old friend A-Rod is bush-league, and he may or may not have a piece or two on the side. This is only relevant because of his status as the game's most talented player, and has nothing to do with the fact that his team is pathetic. In other Yankee news, I actually heard the ESPN crew last night discuss the possibility of Cashman not activating Rocket and saving the cash, since he's signed to a minor-league contract. Stunning.

Elsewhere in the AL East, the wife of Tampa slugger Elijah Dukes would like a divorce. That's a smart broad.

And Iron Mike is back in the fight game, but his criminal past is infringing upon his plans. I happen to think that Mike would be a great cornerman. He's always been such a rational practitioner of the sweet science, and his decision-making is top-notch.

One of the problems associated with being the most talented and respected writer (Editor's Note: This is not true.) at the best sports blog in the whole fucking world (Ed: Also a blatant lie.) is that our millions of reader(s) expect me to react to this shit. It's not fun. I'd rather write about the good guys, like Yook and his 22-game hit streak. But the big news is the big news, and it makes me want to cover Wall Street today. Hopefully this weekend will bring about some warm and fuzzy sports news, and perhaps a Cecil sighting to boot.

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Up In The Nosebleeds: To Catch A Predator

And so begins yet another semi-regular, soon-to-be-forgotten feature in the HoG, Up In The Nosebleeds. In it we’ll give some attention to obscure, niche sports that get pushed aside by the mainstream, like competitive bass fishing, cow tipping and ice hockey.

Think Cheap Seats, only not on ESPN Classic and without the twin brothers who bone each other.

It’s time to break down the event that happens on Saturday. No, not the Kentucky Derby, although the Run For The Roses does hold its own allure. It remains the only sporting contest that I regularly watch with my mom. Mom, for all of her puritanical opposition to drinking, drugs, porn and gambling, is a fiend at the track. She grew up within spittin’ distance of Saratoga Springs and has been wagering on the ponies since she was but a wee lass. But I digress.

No, men, the big happening on Saturday is the fight pitting Oscar De La Hoya and Floyd Mayweather Jr. in mortal combat (warning: link contains shirtless dudes). At the house of the House of Georges, we’ll have that bad boy purchased on pay-per-view. The Coronas will be flowing and the guacamole dipping for Cinco De Mayo, and we’ll almost certainly watch De La Hoya win another big fight—just a hunch.

But the big highlight for me will almost certainly be the appearance of Mayweather’s dad, Floyd Sr. This old-timer is the most extreme example of one of my favorite phenomena: Athletic Figures That Look Like The Predator.

I don’t mean to date myself, but I loved Predator. It came out back in 1987, when Schwarzenegger was in his prime, but the supporting cast was what made the movie. Apollo Creed was in there, as was the Governor Of Minnesota, and this big bad ass alien with a fucked-up grill and goofy dreads. He could become invisible and shoot lasers and shit, and apparently he can also train world-class fighters:



And play basketball:



(Courtesy of Pulled My Groin)

And football:



Please feel free to submit your own examples in the comments. I think this could someday become its own web site, like this.

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Bitchin' in the Kitchen

Real quick—all apologies for my inexcusable absence. I’ve been traveling and scouting, preparing the distended mound of awesome that is my 2007 National League Preview. While I finish that opus, I need to quickly call out a few offenders for pissing me off:

DENVER BRONCOS I can’t believe you extended the contract of Dre Bly. The beauty of that pickup was contained in Bly’s lame duck contract status. If he sucked this year, you could wash your hands of him. If he was average, you could negotiate, and if he was excellent you could franchise his ass. Now your stuck with him, at $16 million guaranteed, and I predict awful ramifications.

UNCLE CECIL Since we have apparently picked up an actual reader, it must be explained that Cecil is the most talented writer (link NSFW) here at the HoG. If you think Bly’s contract is measty you should see the compensation awarded to Mr. Superstar Spotlight Editor Guy. I’m happy to work for the league minimum, but as a teammate to this prima donna I’m getting mildly irked at his lack of output. Let’s see it, Unc.

LENDALE WHITE The Titans, after letting Travis Henry go, are expecting big things from the ex-Trojan. Concerns about his gut and character caused him to drop to the second round, and it appears that may have been generous. Lendale showed up for an offseason conditioning program weighing a svelte 260 pounds. I think we’ve solved the dilemma of that missing D-tackle the Broncos were trying to acquire from the Dolphins, Lendale ate him.

THE ONE READER Listen, dude. I’m happy that you read the blog, and I respect your hatred of Red Sox Nation. It’s true, we have a lousy and entirely well-deserved rep. I myself am not a Masshole and have never lived in New England, but I can imagine it’s overbearing and annoying. But here’s my point: KC fans are always bitching that the fans of other teams, in other cities, are mean and lame. Fine. But how do you appear to out-of-town fans that move to Kansas City? What’s that? No one willingly moves to Kansas City? I see. Apparently, your city and your teams are so fantastic that everyone leaves them, moves to actual desirable places to live and then bitches about the hometown fans. Classy.

MICHAEL RAY RICHARDSON Michael Ray is not, apparently, down with the John Amaechis and (Insert prominent Jewish basketball star)s of the world. I don’t take offense with what he said (as I’m neither Jewish nor gay) but I’m very disappointed with his lame, lame apology. Mike, that shit will get you nowhere. Have we not learned anything from Pete Rose, Tim Hardaway, Dan Issel, Janet Jackson, Kramer, etc., etc.? Notice that none of those people have jobs. The half-ass, “if I offended anyone” apology is always more offensive than whatever you said, because it means you really don’t give a shit. Own up, and say that you’re a bigot, or a degenerate gambler, or a crackhead, or a serial boob-flasher, and America will forgive you. By the way, Michael Ray was a very talented hoops star back in the day. Do you know why he is so familiar with the Tel Aviv airport? Because he had to play overseas for decades after getting banned from the NBA. For being a crackhead. Nice life.

INSOMNIA Never again will you fuck with me. I have found the cure, and it's not a pill, it's not a leafy green smokeable, it's not a distilled spirit, nor is it a good jerk into the sleeve of Mike's long-sleeve t-shirt. It's the HoG's hockey coverage. Man, that's some strong sedative. I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Good times.

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AL Central Preview: How four big bucks bent KC over and did not call back

Man, this division is good. Kansas City could lose every single game, and they very well might, and it would still be the best division in baseball. The American League Central has pitching, it has powerhouse lineups, it has crusty old veterans and the next wave of superstar kids, it has a recent World Champ, and it has crazy fuckers like Ozzie and Sheff (who are guaranteed to scuffle at some point this season). Loaded.

I believe it was 1995 when baseball realigned, and Kansas City was not too far removed from being an actual major league franchise. MLB stuck the Royals in the AL Central, far from their old foes of the West and away from the powerful big-money Eastern clubs. This was a tremendous advantage for the Royals, as they were handed a schedule filled with easy ass games. So what did they do with it? Well, they pissed it all away through decisions that were cheap and stupid, and their division evolved into an insurmountable pit of death.

First, Cleveland got good and went to a couple World Series in the 90s. They wavered after the core of those teams left, but have rebuilt with new stars and little pitching. Then the Twins turned into the Oakland A’s of the Upper Midwest, a small-market club that actually thinks about how it conducts its business. The White Sox, under the maniacal leadership of HoG patron saint Ozzie Guillen, rode a stacked pitching staff to a World Series Win in 2005. And last season Detroit followed the same formula to advance to the all Classic, where they clumsily gave the title to the Cardinals (who are still celebrating, apparently).

I don’t have a gut feeling on this division, as I can legitimately see four teams winning it. Let’s break it down, with the assumption that the Royals are last in every category:

PITCHING ROTATION Minnesota 1, Detroit 2, Chicago 3, Cleveland 4. With the price of even mediocre pitching this offseason (see here and here), it’s understandable that the Tribe and the Sox didn’t go after any name arms. But at least Chicago’s Kenny Williams made some moves to get younger in the rotation, and Mark Buehrle may regain his form.

BULLPEN Minnesota 1, Detroit 2, Chicago 3, Cleveland 4. As good as Santana is, this is the strength of the Twins. Setting up Joe Nathan are reliable arms like Jesse Crain and Juan Rincon. Todd Jones is not much of a closer, but the Tigers’ pen is deep and Jim Leyland knows how to use it.

LINEUP Chicago 1, Cleveland 2, Detroit 3, Minnesota 4. This is the toughest call, but I think the White Sox have a veteran group that knows how to lay wood to leather. Sheffield makes the Tigers way better, and the Twins have a number of easy outs—placing more pressure on the pitching staff.

DEFENSE I think Ozzie might have to man short, as Juan Uribe was involved in a minor murder over the winter. Honestly, does anyone give a shit about defense these days? It’s not like it costs anyone a World Series or anything, Detroit.

RESOURCES Detroit 1, Chicago 2, Cleveland 3, Minnesota 4. If moves need to be made, the Tigers have shown a willingness to part with dollars and/or prospects to make it happen. They are taking advantage of their window. Williams has publicly stated that the White Sox will not engage in ludicrous spending, but they still maintain a $100 million-plus payroll. The Indians’ Mark Shapiro and the Twins’ Terry Ryan subscribe to the Bill Stoneman school of testicle-free GM’ing.

ALL IN ALL I think the White Sox still have it. Their pitching is iffy, and they could tune out their manager at any minute, but the sticks are there and I think they blew an opportunity last season. The wild card will almost certainly come from this division as well, and I see Detroit edging the Twins for that distinction.

Chicago 95 wins

Detroit 92

Minnesota 88

Cleveland 85

Kansas City 61

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